I'm not sure where that is, but here I am.
Walking through the front door yesterday was more painful than I'd expected. Just when I feel that's it's physically and emotionally impossible to feel any more pain -- I do. Every room that I walk into hurts me. I see something that came from "before". My life is being defined as "before" and "after". I'd like the "after" to stop.
I've been lying awake since around 4:30. I finally gave up around 5:00 and got up. That's about the time that it hit me that two weeks ago today I was up and getting ready to take Jim to the e.r. I don't remember much about that whole week, but I remember that day. Vividly. The one day I'd like to completely erase from my memory and I think I can remember every second after 4:00 a.m. Doesn't seem quite right, does it?
Here's what else doesn't seem quite "right" and makes me almost furious: Kenya.
What was that? What was the point? Why did I have such a life-changing experience one month and then have "this" happen the next? Here's what I want to shout: "Where does that fit in, God?! Did it matter as much as I thought it did? Is it something that I'm supposed to still be involved in? Did you kill Jim just so that I could devote myself more to that?!!!!!"
Sorry, if that was too honest for some to read, but as I sit here with tears streaming down my face I feel somewhat better for having typed it (because it IS what I'm thinking).
So, back to Kenya. Not sure what that was all about but I feel like an idiot about it. I feel like it was so huge to me and now someone has just said, "Psych! Wasn't that big and now it has nothing to do with your life." So, here I am. Again.
While you're praying, because I know you are, here's something else I'll add to the list: We were going to send Son #2 to a military school in a couple of weeks. In fact, the morning I came home from the hospital I received an e-mail from the school saying that he had been accepted. Plans change. I was told when I called them that they would defer his enrollment until the fall. So here's my request -- that Son #2 completely changes as a student this next semester; that he starts to care about his grades and at least passes his classes. Because if I have to send him off to that school in August (and I will have to if he won't pass 9th grade) it will rip my heart out. It was already difficult enough to think about when I had Jim. Now, it's killing me. And it comes with the realization that Daughter #1 will be going off to grad school and Son #1 will be going off to college. So it will be just me and Son #3 in this house if he goes, too. So please pray for him. I try to pray but I still feel like I'm asking and He's going to say "No."
Just like He did two weeks ago.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Going home
Well, we should be home in about 12 hours. We are all looking forward to, and yet dreading, going home. I am dreading the horribleness of it.
As I am sure my children are.
I know that many (if not most) of you don't know what to say or do. Well, I've never done this before either, so I have no idea. Just let us know that you're there. Don't be afraid to talk about Jim -- you can't possibly "hurt our feelings". Trust me, I don't think it's possible to hurt any more than we do now.
If you call and you get the machine, please be patient and leave a message. I have no idea how often I'll want to answer the phone ... or get out of bed, for that matter. I don't know what to expect, except that I'm breathing one second at a time.
And I'm guessing that my children are breathing one second at a time. None of them have ever lost anyone in their lives. I can't count the 2 guinea pigs that croaked several years ago. They've never lost a grand parent, a cousin, an aunt or an uncle .... no one. They don't know how to do this.
Hell, I don't know how to do this. So we stumble through each day. Together ..... and yet seperate.
The pain ebbs for minutes now and then a huge wave catches me off guard and I feel like I'm going to drown. Usually at unexpected times. And I really wish I could drown, but the girls have threatened me with dire consequnces if I choose to just die of a broken heart (like in "The Notebook", which is how I wanted it to happen. So much for Hollywood).
I am overwhelmed with the thought of everything that needs to be done when I get back -- just putting things in order and making decisions that I never dreamed I'd have to make, alone. Things that can't be done by my awesome friends or family.
Thanks again to all of you for your comments, texts and e-mails. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell you how much each meant to me -- especially all who understand the rantings and anger. My brain knows that will improve, I just wish my heart knew when. I'll try to keep being honest here -- and telling you how much this sucks (sorry, "stinks" isn't a strong enough word). And maybe one day you'll notice that there's less "suckiness" and more positive words.
Someday.
As I am sure my children are.
I know that many (if not most) of you don't know what to say or do. Well, I've never done this before either, so I have no idea. Just let us know that you're there. Don't be afraid to talk about Jim -- you can't possibly "hurt our feelings". Trust me, I don't think it's possible to hurt any more than we do now.
If you call and you get the machine, please be patient and leave a message. I have no idea how often I'll want to answer the phone ... or get out of bed, for that matter. I don't know what to expect, except that I'm breathing one second at a time.
And I'm guessing that my children are breathing one second at a time. None of them have ever lost anyone in their lives. I can't count the 2 guinea pigs that croaked several years ago. They've never lost a grand parent, a cousin, an aunt or an uncle .... no one. They don't know how to do this.
Hell, I don't know how to do this. So we stumble through each day. Together ..... and yet seperate.
The pain ebbs for minutes now and then a huge wave catches me off guard and I feel like I'm going to drown. Usually at unexpected times. And I really wish I could drown, but the girls have threatened me with dire consequnces if I choose to just die of a broken heart (like in "The Notebook", which is how I wanted it to happen. So much for Hollywood).
I am overwhelmed with the thought of everything that needs to be done when I get back -- just putting things in order and making decisions that I never dreamed I'd have to make, alone. Things that can't be done by my awesome friends or family.
Thanks again to all of you for your comments, texts and e-mails. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell you how much each meant to me -- especially all who understand the rantings and anger. My brain knows that will improve, I just wish my heart knew when. I'll try to keep being honest here -- and telling you how much this sucks (sorry, "stinks" isn't a strong enough word). And maybe one day you'll notice that there's less "suckiness" and more positive words.
Someday.
Should I be happy?
Interesting quesiton, MB. Should I/we be happy that Jim is in heaven? Well, of course if I were a "good" Christian then I'd have to give you the pat, "good" answer: 'Of course I'm glad that he's up there, with God, praising and singing (though he never really enjoyed singing so I'm not sure he's all THAT thrilled) and will never suffer again.'
But I think we Christians tend to gave way too many "pat" answers, mostly because we don't know what to say, or because we don't know what the heck (refrained there) we're talking about. So here's my real answer (because I don't feel very "good" nor "pat" at the moment):
No, I'm not happy that he's in heaven. I'm beyond furious! I think this was a stupid idea and I wish I could understand what HE was thinking when He tore such a good, decent and godly man out of our lives. He hadn't been sick; he wasn't suffering (until the morning he woke up); and I was told there was an 80 - 90% success rate for this surgery! Jim could've and should've done so much more in our community, in our church and in our family. I was making headway in getting him to go to Africa so he would've had an even bigger impact on our world.
I'm not happy that my children have lost their father. My sons, especially the youngest two, need him now more than they've ever needed him. And now they just have me. A grieving me. I wish they had him .... and not me. I wish with all of my heart that it had been me .... and not Jim. They need him so very much.
Yes, I know there's the whole "My thoughts are not your thoughts & My ways are not your ways" verse, but for the first time in my life, verses seem to ring a little shallow.
It's not that I'm turning from my faith -- heck I've had that longer than I had Jim, but it just seems far away right now. God seems very far away. He felt like He was a million miles away on the 18th when so many people were in battle, praying for Jim to live. To use one of Rick's illustrations from the Cantata: I feel like one tiny frozen pea, lost in the Astrodome of God's galaxy. And I don't or can't trust that He'll ever put me back in His arms again.
Yet.
But I think we Christians tend to gave way too many "pat" answers, mostly because we don't know what to say, or because we don't know what the heck (refrained there) we're talking about. So here's my real answer (because I don't feel very "good" nor "pat" at the moment):
No, I'm not happy that he's in heaven. I'm beyond furious! I think this was a stupid idea and I wish I could understand what HE was thinking when He tore such a good, decent and godly man out of our lives. He hadn't been sick; he wasn't suffering (until the morning he woke up); and I was told there was an 80 - 90% success rate for this surgery! Jim could've and should've done so much more in our community, in our church and in our family. I was making headway in getting him to go to Africa so he would've had an even bigger impact on our world.
I'm not happy that my children have lost their father. My sons, especially the youngest two, need him now more than they've ever needed him. And now they just have me. A grieving me. I wish they had him .... and not me. I wish with all of my heart that it had been me .... and not Jim. They need him so very much.
Yes, I know there's the whole "My thoughts are not your thoughts & My ways are not your ways" verse, but for the first time in my life, verses seem to ring a little shallow.
It's not that I'm turning from my faith -- heck I've had that longer than I had Jim, but it just seems far away right now. God seems very far away. He felt like He was a million miles away on the 18th when so many people were in battle, praying for Jim to live. To use one of Rick's illustrations from the Cantata: I feel like one tiny frozen pea, lost in the Astrodome of God's galaxy. And I don't or can't trust that He'll ever put me back in His arms again.
Yet.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Did I say "bumps"?
Actually all of those times that you get on the way down this long fall are full-body slams. "Bump" was way too nice of a word.
I've beem taking the stairs almost every time I go anywhere. Eleven flights of stairs. And you want to know the reason? Because it hurts. Because it makes me feel something other than this indescribable pain in my heart, soul, head and body. For the first time in my life I totally umerstand why someone would "cut" themselves to ease the pain they feel inside. Now don't go freaking out and worry that I'l start doing that. Geesh --- who do you think would have to clean up the mess? Me! So, not that I'd ever do it, but I totally get it.
Yesterday during my second Bible time I realized that I'm not in agreement with Paul or James. You know Paul -- the "give thanks in everything" guy. He was never married. Never cleaved to someone or made his heart one with her. Sure, he cleaved to Jesus, but I'm being human and emotional here. Can't manage the "give thanks" part.
And James -- the "consider it joy when you have to suffer" man. I have decided that: a. he was never married, or b. if he was, he didn't like her.
So not sure if this will get me kicked out of the LCMS, but I'm feeling in sync with those 2 at the moment.
So yesterday was the Caymans. We got off for a couple of hours (except Son #2 ... still worried about the Sons. They don't talk much about any of this). We wandered around a bit and bought the obligatory Tortuga Rum Cake (Jim loved it). The last time we were here we had to wait in a long line to get back to the ship, during which time JIm launched into a long, drawn out story about a man named Captain Tortuga who moved here hundreds of years ago to start a turtle farm. He was so successful that they made him the General and he discovered the recipe for the rum cake. The story was much longer than this and so full of BS that there wasn't a shovel big enough to handle it. But we loved it (and called him a huge dork for making it up). Too bad we didn't have a camera to video that. Too bad I haven't had a video going 24/7/365 x 25 + years.
Lis, saw the pics and they're gorgeous. They look just like you.
WH- I do get e-mail though I don't respond because of the time constraints.
We have mixed feelings about coming home. Here people don't know --- although after yesterday we're not too sure. I took the kids to a hamburger place on ship for lunch (Johnny Rockets). We had to it at 2 seperate and distant tables but had the same waiter. When my table was done he came to gave me the check (they charge extra for JR) and said, "I want you to know that I think you are a very strong woman." He was so so soft-spoken and quiet that I had to ask him to repeat it. He did. He eyes were very kind and gentle. Not sure if it was because he knows what's going on with us (what's in he computer) or because I have 6 kids. But it was nice.
I've seen almost everyone of you on this ship. Now I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Maybe it's God's way of sending comfort. Thank God I haven't seen anyone who remotely looks like Jim. Not sure I could trust myself near the ship's side if that happened.
Thank you all for being there. Especially those who are writing from farther than Texas. You all mean so much to me.
I've beem taking the stairs almost every time I go anywhere. Eleven flights of stairs. And you want to know the reason? Because it hurts. Because it makes me feel something other than this indescribable pain in my heart, soul, head and body. For the first time in my life I totally umerstand why someone would "cut" themselves to ease the pain they feel inside. Now don't go freaking out and worry that I'l start doing that. Geesh --- who do you think would have to clean up the mess? Me! So, not that I'd ever do it, but I totally get it.
Yesterday during my second Bible time I realized that I'm not in agreement with Paul or James. You know Paul -- the "give thanks in everything" guy. He was never married. Never cleaved to someone or made his heart one with her. Sure, he cleaved to Jesus, but I'm being human and emotional here. Can't manage the "give thanks" part.
And James -- the "consider it joy when you have to suffer" man. I have decided that: a. he was never married, or b. if he was, he didn't like her.
So not sure if this will get me kicked out of the LCMS, but I'm feeling in sync with those 2 at the moment.
So yesterday was the Caymans. We got off for a couple of hours (except Son #2 ... still worried about the Sons. They don't talk much about any of this). We wandered around a bit and bought the obligatory Tortuga Rum Cake (Jim loved it). The last time we were here we had to wait in a long line to get back to the ship, during which time JIm launched into a long, drawn out story about a man named Captain Tortuga who moved here hundreds of years ago to start a turtle farm. He was so successful that they made him the General and he discovered the recipe for the rum cake. The story was much longer than this and so full of BS that there wasn't a shovel big enough to handle it. But we loved it (and called him a huge dork for making it up). Too bad we didn't have a camera to video that. Too bad I haven't had a video going 24/7/365 x 25 + years.
Lis, saw the pics and they're gorgeous. They look just like you.
WH- I do get e-mail though I don't respond because of the time constraints.
We have mixed feelings about coming home. Here people don't know --- although after yesterday we're not too sure. I took the kids to a hamburger place on ship for lunch (Johnny Rockets). We had to it at 2 seperate and distant tables but had the same waiter. When my table was done he came to gave me the check (they charge extra for JR) and said, "I want you to know that I think you are a very strong woman." He was so so soft-spoken and quiet that I had to ask him to repeat it. He did. He eyes were very kind and gentle. Not sure if it was because he knows what's going on with us (what's in he computer) or because I have 6 kids. But it was nice.
I've seen almost everyone of you on this ship. Now I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Maybe it's God's way of sending comfort. Thank God I haven't seen anyone who remotely looks like Jim. Not sure I could trust myself near the ship's side if that happened.
Thank you all for being there. Especially those who are writing from farther than Texas. You all mean so much to me.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
A flicker
I laughed yesterday for a bit. It felt good. The girls and I were watching the "Sexiest Mens Legs Contest" at the pool.
Today, for the first time, I was able to open a Bible and read. Then I was able to journal -- a real entry for the first time. I don't count the entry I made two days ago which was really just a "What the hell were You thinking?" tirade in huge letters.
And though this goes off into a totally different religious sphere, I felt like Jim was channeling through me today. I started a list of things I need to do when I get home. For those of you who really know him (can't force myself to use the past tense), this is classic.
So, a bit of light at the end of a very, very long tunnel. However, I don't trust that the light will remain. Yet.
The kids and I went to Jamaica today and never had a close encounter with death. Well, unless you count Sons #2 & #3 and Daughter #3 going down a 100 foot slide into the ocean. And Daughter #3 continually getting hit on by men (not boys!).
Tomorrow we go to the Caymans.
Jo, I'm not sure what to do about the flowers --- if the box is refrigerated do you think they'll keep? Whatever you think is best. Thanks.
W.H. -- too weird. Thanks.
I guess that's it for today. I'm exhausted and dinner is still 3 hours away. I expect to feel exhausted for quite a while. I hate that.
I still feel as though I'm living someone else's life. But the hope that I'll wake up from this is slowly fading.
Keep commenting, texting and praying. I don't know what I'd do without all of you.
Today, for the first time, I was able to open a Bible and read. Then I was able to journal -- a real entry for the first time. I don't count the entry I made two days ago which was really just a "What the hell were You thinking?" tirade in huge letters.
And though this goes off into a totally different religious sphere, I felt like Jim was channeling through me today. I started a list of things I need to do when I get home. For those of you who really know him (can't force myself to use the past tense), this is classic.
So, a bit of light at the end of a very, very long tunnel. However, I don't trust that the light will remain. Yet.
The kids and I went to Jamaica today and never had a close encounter with death. Well, unless you count Sons #2 & #3 and Daughter #3 going down a 100 foot slide into the ocean. And Daughter #3 continually getting hit on by men (not boys!).
Tomorrow we go to the Caymans.
Jo, I'm not sure what to do about the flowers --- if the box is refrigerated do you think they'll keep? Whatever you think is best. Thanks.
W.H. -- too weird. Thanks.
I guess that's it for today. I'm exhausted and dinner is still 3 hours away. I expect to feel exhausted for quite a while. I hate that.
I still feel as though I'm living someone else's life. But the hope that I'll wake up from this is slowly fading.
Keep commenting, texting and praying. I don't know what I'd do without all of you.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Free falling
I realized yesterday, as those two words kept going through my head, that that's how I feel: as if I'm falling and falling and falling. I feel as though I can't wait to hit the bottom really, really hard so that the falling will be over. But last night, I had another realization. There are a lot of hurtful bumps on the way down. I saw a couple holding hands. We held hands -- a lot. So much so that it really bugged the kids (don't even get me started about a pat on the butt!). I thought I was pretty much in control yesterday until that sight. The thought of his hand never being in mine again was more than I could stand. Then I couldn't even watch "Shrek 3" without hurting. Or the Christmas ice skating show on board. I had been trying to hold it all in for the kids yesterday. And to my support team: I went through most of the day on my own (and I know you know what that means). I realized last night that my doctor really does know best.
The kids went to a magic show last night (I was too exhausted to go, so Daughter #3 stayed behind to babysit me, no matter how much she denies it). Then I met them for dinner (we have the 8:30 seating -- too bad I'm not a New Yorker). Then we went back to the "girls" room and watched "A Christmas Story". That was nice and we all love that movie.
Today I was more worried about Son #3. He says that he's having "fun" but his eyes look just like mine: dead. But then something good happened. An hour or so ago he ran into a girl that he's gone to school with since kindergarten. So another KW family is here. She was glad to see him, as she's a bit shy and doesn't like hanging around kids she doesn't know. And he was glad to see her. So they're going off to ice skate later. His smile looked real.
I wish I knew how to help all 6 of them. We are all grieving and we are all grieving in our own unique and individual ways. They don't know how I feel. I don't know how they feel. We can only imagine.
I just found some text messages that many of you have sent. That was good. And I've read all of the comments (if this dang internet wasn't so slow I'd reply to each of you). But I do have to say--- W.H. --- you made me smile with the "glow worm" song. Thank you.
Son #2 is still hanging with the teens until 1:00 a.m. (thank God for the ship's curfew).
I wish I could say that I'm lying by the pool enjoying the frozen beverages non-stop. I have managed to drink one. Funny how your heart can even not be into doing that. The girls and I did spend the morning in the sun --- it's much warmer now.
I'm trying to read but can only seem to focus on one or two sentences before my mind wanders. It's a good thing I'm not trying to read "Gone With The Wind".
Oh, and I meant to post this earlier:
The teacher came to the memorial and she came through the line to meet me. She was lovely (and young) and heart broken for us. So I felt guilty about previous posts. Her heart is in the right place and she's trying. (I still may let the machine pick up the phone when caller i.d. shows a school, though.)
Thank you again for ALL of the comments, texts and prayers.
We're taking it one second at a time.
And I do wish all of you a good Christmas with your families.
The kids went to a magic show last night (I was too exhausted to go, so Daughter #3 stayed behind to babysit me, no matter how much she denies it). Then I met them for dinner (we have the 8:30 seating -- too bad I'm not a New Yorker). Then we went back to the "girls" room and watched "A Christmas Story". That was nice and we all love that movie.
Today I was more worried about Son #3. He says that he's having "fun" but his eyes look just like mine: dead. But then something good happened. An hour or so ago he ran into a girl that he's gone to school with since kindergarten. So another KW family is here. She was glad to see him, as she's a bit shy and doesn't like hanging around kids she doesn't know. And he was glad to see her. So they're going off to ice skate later. His smile looked real.
I wish I knew how to help all 6 of them. We are all grieving and we are all grieving in our own unique and individual ways. They don't know how I feel. I don't know how they feel. We can only imagine.
I just found some text messages that many of you have sent. That was good. And I've read all of the comments (if this dang internet wasn't so slow I'd reply to each of you). But I do have to say--- W.H. --- you made me smile with the "glow worm" song. Thank you.
Son #2 is still hanging with the teens until 1:00 a.m. (thank God for the ship's curfew).
I wish I could say that I'm lying by the pool enjoying the frozen beverages non-stop. I have managed to drink one. Funny how your heart can even not be into doing that. The girls and I did spend the morning in the sun --- it's much warmer now.
I'm trying to read but can only seem to focus on one or two sentences before my mind wanders. It's a good thing I'm not trying to read "Gone With The Wind".
Oh, and I meant to post this earlier:
The teacher came to the memorial and she came through the line to meet me. She was lovely (and young) and heart broken for us. So I felt guilty about previous posts. Her heart is in the right place and she's trying. (I still may let the machine pick up the phone when caller i.d. shows a school, though.)
Thank you again for ALL of the comments, texts and prayers.
We're taking it one second at a time.
And I do wish all of you a good Christmas with your families.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Out on the sea
We're on our way to Jamaica. If you've read my past posts then you know about the "deadly Coke search". We all voted to stay near the dock this time.
The weather is warmer this morning than the freezing blast we had last night as we stood outside for the required drill. And the sun is shining.
They, of course, have internet access on board .... 50 cents a minute, which hopefully be cheaper than the $2,000 iPhone bill. Yes, you read that right and by the way, Jim never said a word about it. He just looked at me with that half-sly smile of his, which said, "Janine, you're killing me." He wanted me to clear that up on the blog --- sometimes he didn't get my blog humor.
So, even though it's 50 cents a minute (and trust me, I don't think it be any slower even if they tried) it feels like a life line to me.
I miss my friends and family. Everywhere I look I see someone who looks like someone from home. And I want to be home.
But the boys seem to be having a bit of fun. I hope they are. It's hard to tell how much they're hurting inside. I haven't lost a father. I can't know what they are feeling. All I can do is tell all 6 of them that I'm here .... and that we will always talk about him. His name will never be taboo in our lives, because to not talk about him would hurt more than talking about him.
I'd like to think Jim can see us from Heaven because he would've gotten a huge kick out of the girls hitting on Son #2 last night. Totally cute girls. He ended up joining a bunch of kids on a ship scavenger hunt and didn't get in till 1:00 a.m. (the ships's curfew for under 18). He had a great time so that makes me feel good.
The girls and I had a good talk/cry last night. We really hadn't had time to talk before now.
I think I may be up to about 10 bucks now so I'll sign off for now. But I hope to get on every day and I hope to read comments from you. I feel like I need contact as much as I need air at the moment.
The weather is warmer this morning than the freezing blast we had last night as we stood outside for the required drill. And the sun is shining.
They, of course, have internet access on board .... 50 cents a minute, which hopefully be cheaper than the $2,000 iPhone bill. Yes, you read that right and by the way, Jim never said a word about it. He just looked at me with that half-sly smile of his, which said, "Janine, you're killing me." He wanted me to clear that up on the blog --- sometimes he didn't get my blog humor.
So, even though it's 50 cents a minute (and trust me, I don't think it be any slower even if they tried) it feels like a life line to me.
I miss my friends and family. Everywhere I look I see someone who looks like someone from home. And I want to be home.
But the boys seem to be having a bit of fun. I hope they are. It's hard to tell how much they're hurting inside. I haven't lost a father. I can't know what they are feeling. All I can do is tell all 6 of them that I'm here .... and that we will always talk about him. His name will never be taboo in our lives, because to not talk about him would hurt more than talking about him.
I'd like to think Jim can see us from Heaven because he would've gotten a huge kick out of the girls hitting on Son #2 last night. Totally cute girls. He ended up joining a bunch of kids on a ship scavenger hunt and didn't get in till 1:00 a.m. (the ships's curfew for under 18). He had a great time so that makes me feel good.
The girls and I had a good talk/cry last night. We really hadn't had time to talk before now.
I think I may be up to about 10 bucks now so I'll sign off for now. But I hope to get on every day and I hope to read comments from you. I feel like I need contact as much as I need air at the moment.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Not much has changed
I still want to die, sometimes pray for it (although God & I don't seem to be on the best of terms lately. My head knows He was there in the wee hours of Tuesday morning, my heart feels He turned his back on me and my pleas and I don't know why).
Please don't worry -- I'm not going to do anything stupid. What kind of person would do that to the now 6 most important people in their life? Again, these are just my honest feelings. I so want this pain to stop, to at least numb a bit. But it won't. And I so want to be with Jim, the person who's heart beat with mine; the person whom I still look for when I want to share something kind with him; the person who would have done anything possible to make sure I never had to hurt this much.
I have lost my heart.
My children have lost their father. We each have lost something/someone different. And the challenge will be to help them grieve as I grieve. I don't know how to do this.
My friends have been wonderful. I can't thank them enough. I'll never be able to thank them enough. I can only wish that they hold their spouses tightly, never let a day go by without telling them how much they love them, and that they never, ever have to feel this way. I wouldn't wish this on the worst person in the world.
The kids and I have decided that we can't do Christmas this year. I'm not even sure about next year, but we'll take that when it comes. We're leaving in the morning for a week long cruise. My awesome friends and dozens of complete strangers worked for hours this week to make this possible. I don't expect that we'll enjoy the cruise, but I hope that we enjoy our time together and away from here. I know that I'm only postponing reality, but hopefully that will be a good thing.
Thank you to everyone for your support, your comments and most of all, your prayers. Please keep them coming because we are in desperate need of them.
The memorial service today was such an honor to Jim. He would have loved it, though he would have thought it was a bit over the top with the nice comments. But that was Jim. He never really knew what an awesome man he was to so many people.
I thank all of you who came. He would have loved visiting with you.
I hope and pray that some day a bit of humor will return to my heart and to this blog. I'm not so sure. But again, it's one minute at a time.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
I want to die
I know that I won't, but I want to.
To all who have supported me and have enjoyed this blog --- I'm sorry to tell you that my best friend, the best gift God ever gave me, my loving, supportive, Godly husband, died last night. It was sudden and awful and over less than 24 hours after we knew something was wrong.
That's about all I can say. I want to go to sleep and never, ever wake up again.
But I have 6 awesome kids who need me more than ever. So I won't go to sleep forever, but I need to say that I FEEL like I want to. Very, very much.
I, we, need your prayers.
J.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
And by the way ....
....I took Son #2 back to the dr. yesterday. I am pleased as punch to announce that he totally avoided the stirrups. He never even glanced towards them.
In a way, it's a little bit sad. An era has ended. And more importantly, I'll have to think of something even bigger to use to embarrass him.
Oh heck, who am I kidding?! That's actually pretty easy. All I have to do is make sure he's looking when I pat the hubby on the butt. That sends him (and Son #3) into convulsions every time.
Motherhood --- gotta love it!
:)
In a way, it's a little bit sad. An era has ended. And more importantly, I'll have to think of something even bigger to use to embarrass him.
Oh heck, who am I kidding?! That's actually pretty easy. All I have to do is make sure he's looking when I pat the hubby on the butt. That sends him (and Son #3) into convulsions every time.
Motherhood --- gotta love it!
:)
Just thought I'd share
So this morning I was messing around on my computer and I found some interesting things. Evidently Daughters #2 & #3 got on my computer over Thanksgiving and left me a few surprises. So, being the kind, loving, ready-to share-person that I am, I decided to let everyone enjoy these with me!
I noticed that Daughter #1 was in the background in some of the pictures (I only posted about half of them). Yes, the girl got the brains. She must've known the odds of me finding them and doing something incredibly embarrassing with them, thus she remained there --- in the background.
Smart girl.
I noticed that Daughter #1 was in the background in some of the pictures (I only posted about half of them). Yes, the girl got the brains. She must've known the odds of me finding them and doing something incredibly embarrassing with them, thus she remained there --- in the background.
Smart girl.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Is it just here ....
....or do you think everyone's post office hires people based on how slowly they can perform? Holy moley! I dropped by today to pick up a package (a beautiful Christmas quilt that my step-mom made for us!!!) that was supposed to be re-delivered yesterday. It was not.
So I took my little slip into the post office and thought I could just run in, get the package and leave. Wrong-o!
There were two men in front of me, waiting at the little door where you pick up packages (totally different line from the 2 mile 'I-need-to-send-a-package-or-buy-stamps line'). The door had a smaller door inset into the top of it. Every once in a blue moon a woman would open the smaller door, pop her head through, grab someone' slip and hurriedly shut the door.
I felt like Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz" when she finally gets to the Wizard's palace and that little guy won't let her in. Seriously.
I think she would grab a slip, slam the door and then go sit down and have coffee. Or perhaps watch "Montel". Or "The View". Really.
She had evidently already grabbed the first man's slip because the first time I saw her pop her head out (after a 15 minute wait) she looked a bit startled that he was still there, waiting. She grabbed the 2nd man's slip and then mine and then popped back into her domain
When she would finally return with a package (after at least a 10 to 15 minute wait) she made much ado about hardly anything (or so it would seem). She painstakingly checked i.d.s, doodled on a pad, doodled on a package, stuck her head back in to say something to someone else hiding back there, and finally would relinquish the package, almost unwillingly.
When it was my turn to stand next to the door I had to fight the HUGE urge to say, "Please ma'am, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, I'd like to see the Wizard, if you don't mind. My friends & I would like to ask him if he could grant us a faster post office."
But I figured I'd never see my quilt if I did that. And, truth be told, I was a bit afraid.
I didn't need anyone going postal on me today.
P.S.
Here's the quilt!
.
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So I took my little slip into the post office and thought I could just run in, get the package and leave. Wrong-o!
There were two men in front of me, waiting at the little door where you pick up packages (totally different line from the 2 mile 'I-need-to-send-a-package-or-buy-stamps line'). The door had a smaller door inset into the top of it. Every once in a blue moon a woman would open the smaller door, pop her head through, grab someone' slip and hurriedly shut the door.
I felt like Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz" when she finally gets to the Wizard's palace and that little guy won't let her in. Seriously.
I think she would grab a slip, slam the door and then go sit down and have coffee. Or perhaps watch "Montel". Or "The View". Really.
She had evidently already grabbed the first man's slip because the first time I saw her pop her head out (after a 15 minute wait) she looked a bit startled that he was still there, waiting. She grabbed the 2nd man's slip and then mine and then popped back into her domain
When she would finally return with a package (after at least a 10 to 15 minute wait) she made much ado about hardly anything (or so it would seem). She painstakingly checked i.d.s, doodled on a pad, doodled on a package, stuck her head back in to say something to someone else hiding back there, and finally would relinquish the package, almost unwillingly.
When it was my turn to stand next to the door I had to fight the HUGE urge to say, "Please ma'am, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, I'd like to see the Wizard, if you don't mind. My friends & I would like to ask him if he could grant us a faster post office."
But I figured I'd never see my quilt if I did that. And, truth be told, I was a bit afraid.
I didn't need anyone going postal on me today.
P.S.
Here's the quilt!
.
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Thursday, December 13, 2007
The menagerie is home
Daughter #3 came home today and brought with her the dachshund, Tess, and "Thank God it's not a Tattoo".
So now we have 3 dogs and a kitten, and son #3 is looking after a cat and pond of fish for the people next door. There are way too many animals around here for my comfort level.
I think the kitten has ADD. So she fits in well with the two psycho ADD dogs in the backyard (inbreeding is a very bad thing).
These are the two dogs that Daughters #2 & #3 bought before they graduated and then left. Here. With me. And they are still alive ..... for now.
The cat is racing around the house, trying to attack anyone and everyone. And she meows ..... a lot. And she claws my furniture. And, she thinks she's a parrot. If you try to hold her she climbs up on your shoulders and sits. Strange.
I should take odds on how many animals will be alive by mid-January.
In other news, our family doctors should have a merry Christmas. Four visits in one week -- yay for us. Son #2 went in Monday and goes back tomorrow. Daughter #3 went in Monday (and the week before at the college clinic). I went in today.
As we get older we are told to listen to our bodies. Well, my body must be unable to speak or it's out to get me. I went in today because I thought I might have a mild infection. But after I made the appointment I felt better and had no problems. "Great!", I thought. "Just like when you take your children to the pediatrician. At home they have a fever of 105 and by the time you get them in it's 98.6. Consistently." So I thought the dr would look at me like I'm nuts and ask me what else is going on in my life that I have to come up with fake diseases and see him (and boy, could I give him a list!).
Here was our conversation after he got the lab results:
Him: So how long have you been having these "symptoms"?
Me: (thinking, "Sheesh, he thinks I'm an idiot.") Just since over night. Not really much at all today, but in the middle of the night.
Him: "Wow"
Me: "Wow? Why wow?"
Him: "Because you have a very bad infection. Your numbers are so high that I can't believe you're not in severe pain!"
Me: "Well, I guess I don't listen to my body very well."
Him: "That, and you must have an incredibly high pain threshold."
Me: "So how long do you think this has been going on?"
Him: "Well, most people know right away, like the first day. Sometimes before the tests show there's an infection. You've probably had this for at least 4 days."
Me: "Wow."
Him: "Yeah."
So, I think "listening to your body" is highly over-rated. My body does not speak to me. Or maybe it speaks to me in Slovakian.
And I totally refrained from playing with the stirrups.
So now we have 3 dogs and a kitten, and son #3 is looking after a cat and pond of fish for the people next door. There are way too many animals around here for my comfort level.
I think the kitten has ADD. So she fits in well with the two psycho ADD dogs in the backyard (inbreeding is a very bad thing).
These are the two dogs that Daughters #2 & #3 bought before they graduated and then left. Here. With me. And they are still alive ..... for now.
The cat is racing around the house, trying to attack anyone and everyone. And she meows ..... a lot. And she claws my furniture. And, she thinks she's a parrot. If you try to hold her she climbs up on your shoulders and sits. Strange.
I should take odds on how many animals will be alive by mid-January.
In other news, our family doctors should have a merry Christmas. Four visits in one week -- yay for us. Son #2 went in Monday and goes back tomorrow. Daughter #3 went in Monday (and the week before at the college clinic). I went in today.
As we get older we are told to listen to our bodies. Well, my body must be unable to speak or it's out to get me. I went in today because I thought I might have a mild infection. But after I made the appointment I felt better and had no problems. "Great!", I thought. "Just like when you take your children to the pediatrician. At home they have a fever of 105 and by the time you get them in it's 98.6. Consistently." So I thought the dr would look at me like I'm nuts and ask me what else is going on in my life that I have to come up with fake diseases and see him (and boy, could I give him a list!).
Here was our conversation after he got the lab results:
Him: So how long have you been having these "symptoms"?
Me: (thinking, "Sheesh, he thinks I'm an idiot.") Just since over night. Not really much at all today, but in the middle of the night.
Him: "Wow"
Me: "Wow? Why wow?"
Him: "Because you have a very bad infection. Your numbers are so high that I can't believe you're not in severe pain!"
Me: "Well, I guess I don't listen to my body very well."
Him: "That, and you must have an incredibly high pain threshold."
Me: "So how long do you think this has been going on?"
Him: "Well, most people know right away, like the first day. Sometimes before the tests show there's an infection. You've probably had this for at least 4 days."
Me: "Wow."
Him: "Yeah."
So, I think "listening to your body" is highly over-rated. My body does not speak to me. Or maybe it speaks to me in Slovakian.
And I totally refrained from playing with the stirrups.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Are you ready for this?
She called .... again.
She called early this morning to tell me that while Son #2 was at tutoring yesterday she noticed that he really isn't trying.
Yes. In. Deed.
Her: "He told me that he just didn't get it and it didn't matter anyway because he's going to military school in January. I told him that he shouldn't give up and he said that he had given up on the first day of school."
Me: "Yes."
Her: "Well, I just wanted to tell you about that and to say that it may be a confidence issue."
Me: "OK."
Her: "He seems to try very hard to be the opposite of his older brother, who he refers to as a "geek". I don't want to make assumptions here but it seems that he wants to be different."
Me: (does she think she's revealing something here that we never thought of?! I think she does!) "Yes, he's tried to be "different" from the other 5 for quite some time now. It's not confidence so much as the lack of desire. He's not incapable, he just chooses to not do the work. Every teacher he's had has said that he's very intelligent and capable -- and that's what's so frustrating."
Her: "Oh yes, he's very smart. He just needs to study."
Me: "I'm not sure what you want me to say. Other than making sure he goes to tutoring and forcing him to sit with an open book in his lap, there's nothing we can do to make him study. We could hold a gun to his head and we still can't promise he'll study. He has to WANT to do this. It has to come from HIM. We can't do ANYTHING more than we're doing."
---I have to add here that she got very, very quiet at the "gun" part. I almost said, "Oh give me a break -- it's just a word picture!" Besides, I don't have a gun..... hmmmmmm............
Her: "Yes, that's true. Well, I just wanted to let you know what I see."
Me: "Thank you very much."
I know she's just trying to do her job. I know that she's concerned about him. I know that she means well. But I don't understand what she wants me to do. I don't understand why she doesn't get it. I don't understand why I have to tell her over and over again that it has to come from HIM, that I can't make him succeed.
I think you should all be very proud of me. I did not say what I wanted to say (or rather, I did not shout what I wanted to shout): DO NOT CALL ME AGAIN......EVER!!
OK, well the fact that the husband is the president of the school board may have had something to do with my restraint.
She called early this morning to tell me that while Son #2 was at tutoring yesterday she noticed that he really isn't trying.
Yes. In. Deed.
Her: "He told me that he just didn't get it and it didn't matter anyway because he's going to military school in January. I told him that he shouldn't give up and he said that he had given up on the first day of school."
Me: "Yes."
Her: "Well, I just wanted to tell you about that and to say that it may be a confidence issue."
Me: "OK."
Her: "He seems to try very hard to be the opposite of his older brother, who he refers to as a "geek". I don't want to make assumptions here but it seems that he wants to be different."
Me: (does she think she's revealing something here that we never thought of?! I think she does!) "Yes, he's tried to be "different" from the other 5 for quite some time now. It's not confidence so much as the lack of desire. He's not incapable, he just chooses to not do the work. Every teacher he's had has said that he's very intelligent and capable -- and that's what's so frustrating."
Her: "Oh yes, he's very smart. He just needs to study."
Me: "I'm not sure what you want me to say. Other than making sure he goes to tutoring and forcing him to sit with an open book in his lap, there's nothing we can do to make him study. We could hold a gun to his head and we still can't promise he'll study. He has to WANT to do this. It has to come from HIM. We can't do ANYTHING more than we're doing."
---I have to add here that she got very, very quiet at the "gun" part. I almost said, "Oh give me a break -- it's just a word picture!" Besides, I don't have a gun..... hmmmmmm............
Her: "Yes, that's true. Well, I just wanted to let you know what I see."
Me: "Thank you very much."
I know she's just trying to do her job. I know that she's concerned about him. I know that she means well. But I don't understand what she wants me to do. I don't understand why she doesn't get it. I don't understand why I have to tell her over and over again that it has to come from HIM, that I can't make him succeed.
I think you should all be very proud of me. I did not say what I wanted to say (or rather, I did not shout what I wanted to shout): DO NOT CALL ME AGAIN......EVER!!
OK, well the fact that the husband is the president of the school board may have had something to do with my restraint.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Uh-oh
I am SO glad that I'm not a teenager living in my house. Guess what came yesterday?
Gulp -- the cell phone bill.
THE phone bill.
You know, the one from last month.
When I was in Kenya.
Making posts on my blog.
Ummmm, guess I should've checked with AT&T to see what, if any, charges would apply overseas for internet usage.
Cuz it was a lot.
A. LOT.
So it would be very nice if everyone who read the blog while I was gone (and enjoyed it?) would ...........
(don't worry, I'm not going to ask for money!) .......... post a comment so that I can show the dear hubby that it was worth it (?).
And to think I was soooo proud of myself for not making a single phone call. Sheesh.
Gulp -- the cell phone bill.
THE phone bill.
You know, the one from last month.
When I was in Kenya.
Making posts on my blog.
Ummmm, guess I should've checked with AT&T to see what, if any, charges would apply overseas for internet usage.
Cuz it was a lot.
A. LOT.
So it would be very nice if everyone who read the blog while I was gone (and enjoyed it?) would ...........
(don't worry, I'm not going to ask for money!) .......... post a comment so that I can show the dear hubby that it was worth it (?).
And to think I was soooo proud of myself for not making a single phone call. Sheesh.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Score one for Mom!
It's days like this that make me absolutely love being a mom. "Days like what?", you may ask. Is it the warm hug they give you before they leave for school? Is it the joy on their face when they return home to fresh-baked cookies and just-milked-from-the-cow-fresh milk? Is it when they say "And God bless my mom, the best mom on the whole earth." when they pray at night? Is it their sweet angelic faces when they're fast asleep?
Naaaaaaaaahhhh. It's none of that. That's for moms with toddlers who don't know any better --- yet.
No, what makes me LOVE being a mom is the chance for me, when we're just one-on-one, to embarrass the crap out of them!
I finally caved and took Son #2 to the dr this morning. His lymph nodes have been swollen for 2 weeks now - I guess beyond the "it's normal" stage. And now that one looks to be the size of a miniature golf-ball, I thought, "Well sheesh, I guess I'd better take him in. There's goes a morning of good tennis -- dang it!".
So I took him in (and before you call CPS, I actually made the appointment on Friday). As we entered the exam room he plopped himself down on the table and then proceeded to do what he's done at every doctors visit for 13 out of his 15 years: play with the stirrups. Every. Single. Time.
He started pulling them out, then pushing them in, then pulling them out, then pulling them up, then pushing them down, then back in, etc. etc. etc.
Then here's what happened:
Me: "Please put those back and leave them alone (something I've said probably a million times in the past 13 years).
Then he asked the question he's asked probably a million times in the past 13 years:
Him: "So what ARE those?"
Me: --- thinking, 'I have had enough of this now, so you think you wanna know? OK, buddy--here goes.'
"Those are stirrups. When a woman goes to the doctor to have an exam, or say, to the hospital to have a baby, they pull those all they way up and she puts her feet in them."
I then sat back and enjoyed the view.
I could see it start at the tippy top of his head --- the slow, yet all-too-apparent horror start to dawn on him. His eyebrows furrowed for just a second -- only a nano-second really, and then they shot up, almost into his hairline. His eyes narrowed and then widened so far that I thought they'd pop right out. His mouth widened just as much --- he formed first a huge O, and then it turned into a disgusted grimmace. He dropped the stirrups like they had turned in to lava. He used the tip of one finger to gingerly shove them back into their hiding places. Then he wiped both hands on the legs of his jeans -- totally and utterly disgusted, embarrassed and wishing there was a huge hole to swallow him up.
It was a proud, joy-filled moment for me. It still brings a tear to my eye to write about it.
Today's Score
Son #2 -- 512
Mom -- 7,476,221
Naaaaaaaaahhhh. It's none of that. That's for moms with toddlers who don't know any better --- yet.
No, what makes me LOVE being a mom is the chance for me, when we're just one-on-one, to embarrass the crap out of them!
I finally caved and took Son #2 to the dr this morning. His lymph nodes have been swollen for 2 weeks now - I guess beyond the "it's normal" stage. And now that one looks to be the size of a miniature golf-ball, I thought, "Well sheesh, I guess I'd better take him in. There's goes a morning of good tennis -- dang it!".
So I took him in (and before you call CPS, I actually made the appointment on Friday). As we entered the exam room he plopped himself down on the table and then proceeded to do what he's done at every doctors visit for 13 out of his 15 years: play with the stirrups. Every. Single. Time.
He started pulling them out, then pushing them in, then pulling them out, then pulling them up, then pushing them down, then back in, etc. etc. etc.
Then here's what happened:
Me: "Please put those back and leave them alone (something I've said probably a million times in the past 13 years).
Then he asked the question he's asked probably a million times in the past 13 years:
Him: "So what ARE those?"
Me: --- thinking, 'I have had enough of this now, so you think you wanna know? OK, buddy--here goes.'
"Those are stirrups. When a woman goes to the doctor to have an exam, or say, to the hospital to have a baby, they pull those all they way up and she puts her feet in them."
I then sat back and enjoyed the view.
I could see it start at the tippy top of his head --- the slow, yet all-too-apparent horror start to dawn on him. His eyebrows furrowed for just a second -- only a nano-second really, and then they shot up, almost into his hairline. His eyes narrowed and then widened so far that I thought they'd pop right out. His mouth widened just as much --- he formed first a huge O, and then it turned into a disgusted grimmace. He dropped the stirrups like they had turned in to lava. He used the tip of one finger to gingerly shove them back into their hiding places. Then he wiped both hands on the legs of his jeans -- totally and utterly disgusted, embarrassed and wishing there was a huge hole to swallow him up.
It was a proud, joy-filled moment for me. It still brings a tear to my eye to write about it.
Today's Score
Son #2 -- 512
Mom -- 7,476,221
Sunday, December 9, 2007
More life on the flip side
So here's my life in a house full of males: tonight I'm sitting down with the 4 of them to watch "Live Free and Die Hard". Yep. Seriously. And here's the kicker: I'll probably enjoy it. It might be great to see things get blown up.
When the girls were here we saw "Enchanted" and "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium". And I enjoyed those, especially "Enchanted" -- what a girl movie!
I feel like I have split personalities! Girly musicals vs. blow 'em up movies. Depends on the day, I guess.
Meanwhile, Son #3 rented a Wii game today and is very much acting like a spaz. He's flailing his arms all over the place and making a lot of noise -- especially when he loses. I just roll my eyes as I walk by.
Son #2 is pretending to be working on his Biology paper while he's really IMing 5 different people -- and he thinks I don't know.
But dear old dad just walked into the room and the hammer is getting ready to slam down --- hard.
Meanwhile Son #1 just returned from another girl's party --- just a friend he says. What-ev-er.
OK, I have to go take control -- Son #3 has put in a stupid Wii DVD that's basically a commercial. I am sick of the Wii.
Maybe Bruce Willis will blow one of those up in the movie. I can always dream, can't I?
When the girls were here we saw "Enchanted" and "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium". And I enjoyed those, especially "Enchanted" -- what a girl movie!
I feel like I have split personalities! Girly musicals vs. blow 'em up movies. Depends on the day, I guess.
Meanwhile, Son #3 rented a Wii game today and is very much acting like a spaz. He's flailing his arms all over the place and making a lot of noise -- especially when he loses. I just roll my eyes as I walk by.
Son #2 is pretending to be working on his Biology paper while he's really IMing 5 different people -- and he thinks I don't know.
But dear old dad just walked into the room and the hammer is getting ready to slam down --- hard.
Meanwhile Son #1 just returned from another girl's party --- just a friend he says. What-ev-er.
OK, I have to go take control -- Son #3 has put in a stupid Wii DVD that's basically a commercial. I am sick of the Wii.
Maybe Bruce Willis will blow one of those up in the movie. I can always dream, can't I?
Flip side pics
Here are some pics from last night ---
These are the roses to replace the corsage (whatever):
This is the "it's-the-day-of-the-dance-and-you're-a-goof-for-not-thinking-ahead-so-we're-going-to-gouge-you (or your mother)" corsage:
He may be a goof sometimes but he is handsome (if I do say so myself!):
Back to being a goof --- he spent about 10 minutes trying to find his ticket to the dance!
These are the roses to replace the corsage (whatever):
This is the "it's-the-day-of-the-dance-and-you're-a-goof-for-not-thinking-ahead-so-we're-going-to-gouge-you (or your mother)" corsage:
He may be a goof sometimes but he is handsome (if I do say so myself!):
Back to being a goof --- he spent about 10 minutes trying to find his ticket to the dance!
Saturday, December 8, 2007
On the flip side ....
Son #1 is going to the "Winter Formal" tonight. He's such a stud-muffin that a girl asked him to go. Last week. So he's had a week to be ready -- the way a guy is supposed to be ready.
This was a conversation ---- TODAY, around noon:
Me: "So, are you ready for tonight?"
Him: "I guess so."
Me: "Did you get a corsage?"
Him: "No, it's not really a date."
Me: "Um, so? Didn't the two of you discuss this?"
Him: "Yeah, I think she wanted one, but .... well, when I went to order one they weren't taking any more orders."
Me: ---voice starting to get a bit higher here - "Did she get you a boutonniere?"
Him: "Yeah, but don't worry, I got something better than a corsage."
He then walks over to the fridge and pulls out a small vase with two roses in it. He holds it in front of me, looking very smug.
Me: --- nothing. I don't say a word. I just look at him.
Him: "What?"
Me: "Nothing. You haven't asked my opinion - you're just telling me what you're doing so I have nothing to say."
Him: "So, what's your opinion?"
Me: "Well, my opinion as a female is that you're in big trouble."
Him: "What?! This is SO much better than a corsage!"
Me: "Yes, that's your opinion as a male. As a female, which is what your date is, my opinion is that she's going to be pretty upset that she's not going to have flowers on her wrist, or pinned to her dress, like the rest of her friends. You, however, will have a flower pinned to your jacket, which will make her wrist feel painfully naked. Yes, actually the roses are better because she can set them out and look at them longer, but she won't be thinking that. She'll be thinking how ticked she is that she asked a guy who couldn't even manage to get her a corsage, when he knew she wanted one! That's my opinion -- as a female."
Him: "Well, what am I supposed to do? When I went in today they didn't have any."
Me: --- the realization of the situation slowly dawning on me .... and the realization that, no matter how hard I tried, I have failed something in being the mother of a son ------ "WAIT! When did you FIRST try to order a corsage?!"
Him: --- knowing that he has been caught and suddenly not feeling so smug --- "Ummmmm, today."
Me: --- again, nothing. Words would not form in my mouth.
Him: --- "I had a busy week. I forgot."
After expressing my disbelief that he didn't take care of this earlier, and telling him to please learn from this and to never, ever do this again, I had him call around to see if he could find a corsage somewhere and told him that I would pay for it (no way was I going to let that girl go to the dance without a corsage because she asked my goofy son!) because I knew the price would be astronomical on the day of the dance ..... and it was.
So the flip side of having girls get ready for a dance is having a boy --- who doesn't.
(As an aside -- it really is easier to have boys when dealing with this "dance stuff". And he did manage to wash his car and go get a haircut. So he's (read "me") not a total failure!)
This was a conversation ---- TODAY, around noon:
Me: "So, are you ready for tonight?"
Him: "I guess so."
Me: "Did you get a corsage?"
Him: "No, it's not really a date."
Me: "Um, so? Didn't the two of you discuss this?"
Him: "Yeah, I think she wanted one, but .... well, when I went to order one they weren't taking any more orders."
Me: ---voice starting to get a bit higher here - "Did she get you a boutonniere?"
Him: "Yeah, but don't worry, I got something better than a corsage."
He then walks over to the fridge and pulls out a small vase with two roses in it. He holds it in front of me, looking very smug.
Me: --- nothing. I don't say a word. I just look at him.
Him: "What?"
Me: "Nothing. You haven't asked my opinion - you're just telling me what you're doing so I have nothing to say."
Him: "So, what's your opinion?"
Me: "Well, my opinion as a female is that you're in big trouble."
Him: "What?! This is SO much better than a corsage!"
Me: "Yes, that's your opinion as a male. As a female, which is what your date is, my opinion is that she's going to be pretty upset that she's not going to have flowers on her wrist, or pinned to her dress, like the rest of her friends. You, however, will have a flower pinned to your jacket, which will make her wrist feel painfully naked. Yes, actually the roses are better because she can set them out and look at them longer, but she won't be thinking that. She'll be thinking how ticked she is that she asked a guy who couldn't even manage to get her a corsage, when he knew she wanted one! That's my opinion -- as a female."
Him: "Well, what am I supposed to do? When I went in today they didn't have any."
Me: --- the realization of the situation slowly dawning on me .... and the realization that, no matter how hard I tried, I have failed something in being the mother of a son ------ "WAIT! When did you FIRST try to order a corsage?!"
Him: --- knowing that he has been caught and suddenly not feeling so smug --- "Ummmmm, today."
Me: --- again, nothing. Words would not form in my mouth.
Him: --- "I had a busy week. I forgot."
After expressing my disbelief that he didn't take care of this earlier, and telling him to please learn from this and to never, ever do this again, I had him call around to see if he could find a corsage somewhere and told him that I would pay for it (no way was I going to let that girl go to the dance without a corsage because she asked my goofy son!) because I knew the price would be astronomical on the day of the dance ..... and it was.
So the flip side of having girls get ready for a dance is having a boy --- who doesn't.
(As an aside -- it really is easier to have boys when dealing with this "dance stuff". And he did manage to wash his car and go get a haircut. So he's (read "me") not a total failure!)
Friday, December 7, 2007
I love theatre
This post goes out to Daughter #3, who sent me an e-mail tonight:
"I miss the good old days when you updated your blog every day.
Just thought you should know."
So here goes:
I accompanied Daughter #1 to a show tonight at the theatre where she dramaturges (google it). We saw "Altar Boyz" and it was hilarious!! Can't wait to go see it again with Daughters 2 & 3. They will love it --- seriously.
Other than that it's been pretty quiet around here. Well, if you don't count the threat of military school being flung around, then it's been quiet.
I did make two more dollars yesterday when Son #2 left a pair of socks out. I had to do a double take because it's been so long since I've seen any. Good thing he had his initials on them! (good for me, bad for him)
Daughters 2 & 3 are in the midst of finals and will come home later this next week. Yay for girl time. Boo for 2 more animals coming along with them.
Yes, "Thank God It's Not a Tattoo" is cute, but still. And the dachshund will leave black hair all over the house. Oh, and pee if she gets excited. I - can - not - wait.
Good thing daughters 2 & 3 are cute. :)
Well, that's about it from here. So, is it better to not post when it's "quiet" (OK, relatively quiet) or to go ahead and make a post that shows how boring it really is?
Hmmmmmmm, something to ponder.
"I miss the good old days when you updated your blog every day.
Just thought you should know."
So here goes:
I accompanied Daughter #1 to a show tonight at the theatre where she dramaturges (google it). We saw "Altar Boyz" and it was hilarious!! Can't wait to go see it again with Daughters 2 & 3. They will love it --- seriously.
Other than that it's been pretty quiet around here. Well, if you don't count the threat of military school being flung around, then it's been quiet.
I did make two more dollars yesterday when Son #2 left a pair of socks out. I had to do a double take because it's been so long since I've seen any. Good thing he had his initials on them! (good for me, bad for him)
Daughters 2 & 3 are in the midst of finals and will come home later this next week. Yay for girl time. Boo for 2 more animals coming along with them.
Yes, "Thank God It's Not a Tattoo" is cute, but still. And the dachshund will leave black hair all over the house. Oh, and pee if she gets excited. I - can - not - wait.
Good thing daughters 2 & 3 are cute. :)
Well, that's about it from here. So, is it better to not post when it's "quiet" (OK, relatively quiet) or to go ahead and make a post that shows how boring it really is?
Hmmmmmmm, something to ponder.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
I'm going to scream ......
..... if the biology teacher calls me again I will not, and cannot, be held accountable for my actions. Seriously. Someone - will - be - harmed. I know she means well and I know she's young. But after the umpteenth call to me I would think she would get it: I can NOT make him feel motivated to do well in this class. I can NOT beat him until he gives in (trust me on this one). I can NOT threaten him with enough dire consequences to make him change his ways. I can NOT offer him millions of dollars in bribes to make him want to do well. Trust me on ALL of these because we've tried EVERYTHING!! I can NOT get her to understand any of this.
I listen to her, I write down everything she says he's missing or has failed or can make up. I even kindly tell her to not take this personally because she's too young to hate teaching yet.
Here's the last part of today's conversation:
Her: "So ...... do you have any questions?"
Me: "No."
Her: "O.K. ....... do you have any suggestions?" (she asks this every - single - time).
Me: "No. I wish I did, but I don't. Again, please don't take this personally. It's not just you or your class. We have not been able to find the button to push that will motivate him. Not in the last 15 years."
Her: "I know." pause ........ "I just hope that I don't have this problem with my children."
That's when I wanted to scream. That's not what I needed (or wanted) to hear.
Me: pause ..... "Well, I guess you never know. Each one is different."
Her: "Yeah, I guess. Well, good luck and have fun."
Yes, you read that right. "Have fun".
OK ..... I can take it. Tell me, am I overreacting?!
I listen to her, I write down everything she says he's missing or has failed or can make up. I even kindly tell her to not take this personally because she's too young to hate teaching yet.
Here's the last part of today's conversation:
Her: "So ...... do you have any questions?"
Me: "No."
Her: "O.K. ....... do you have any suggestions?" (she asks this every - single - time).
Me: "No. I wish I did, but I don't. Again, please don't take this personally. It's not just you or your class. We have not been able to find the button to push that will motivate him. Not in the last 15 years."
Her: "I know." pause ........ "I just hope that I don't have this problem with my children."
That's when I wanted to scream. That's not what I needed (or wanted) to hear.
Me: pause ..... "Well, I guess you never know. Each one is different."
Her: "Yeah, I guess. Well, good luck and have fun."
Yes, you read that right. "Have fun".
OK ..... I can take it. Tell me, am I overreacting?!
Still clueless
Alright --- I admit it -- he's got me stumped. Son #3 is on a very intense campaign to get me to learn how to play this dumb war game on the Wii. Maybe the whole "I want a new sibling" thing was just a ploy. You know, like when you play the "I'd like a new car for Christmas" card -- then the next day you say, "On second thought, just a little ol' pair of diamond earrings would be a wonderful gift". (What? You've never done that? Gimme a break!)
So he wanted me to hyperventilate over the whole baby idea, then he swooped in with a better idea -- play the Wii with him and he'll be perfectly satisfied.
Now I have a dilemma. Of course I don't want to spend a nano second of my life playing a war game, but he is the "baby" and I have to show the other 5 that I love him best (I think it's required about 2 to 3 times a year --- just to keep them all on their toes). Actually, I make it a practice to tell each one of them that I love them best -- but only when the other 5 are within hearing distance. Now THAT keeps them on their toes.
So, what to do, what to do? I tried to get him to try the bowling game, or even tennis (which I hate because it's nothing like real tennis and he always beats me), but for some strange reason he's intent on the war game.
Do you think it's because he wants to use something a little more powerful than a tennis racquet to get back at me for telling him there's no way he's getting an X Box for Christmas?
So he wanted me to hyperventilate over the whole baby idea, then he swooped in with a better idea -- play the Wii with him and he'll be perfectly satisfied.
Now I have a dilemma. Of course I don't want to spend a nano second of my life playing a war game, but he is the "baby" and I have to show the other 5 that I love him best (I think it's required about 2 to 3 times a year --- just to keep them all on their toes). Actually, I make it a practice to tell each one of them that I love them best -- but only when the other 5 are within hearing distance. Now THAT keeps them on their toes.
So, what to do, what to do? I tried to get him to try the bowling game, or even tennis (which I hate because it's nothing like real tennis and he always beats me), but for some strange reason he's intent on the war game.
Do you think it's because he wants to use something a little more powerful than a tennis racquet to get back at me for telling him there's no way he's getting an X Box for Christmas?
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
I must be missing something ....
I think that the 13 yr old is out to get me --- mentally, anyway.
He came home quite chipper from school yesterday. Then we had this conversation:
Son #3: "So, you know what would be cool?"
Me: (looking at him very suspiciously and not really wanting to answer, but also not wanting to add to yet another chapter entitled, "101 Ways My Mom Ignored Me"): "No, what would be cool?"
Son #3: "If I came home from school and found you playing the Wii, totally having mastered "Call of Duty 3". Yep, that would be totally cool."
Me: "What?!"
Son #3: "Yeah, cuz then we could play it together and maybe you'd beat me. Well, maybe."
Me: ----------------------- not saying anything out loud, but wondering what the heck in going on inside that kid's brain.
Son #3: "Don't you think that would be cool?"
Me: "I have to fix dinner."
He's up to something. I haven't quite figured it out yet, but it must be big. I think he's trying to keep me guessing and confused so that I'll be thrown off of the scent of what he's really up to.
Whatever it is --- it's totally working.
He came home quite chipper from school yesterday. Then we had this conversation:
Son #3: "So, you know what would be cool?"
Me: (looking at him very suspiciously and not really wanting to answer, but also not wanting to add to yet another chapter entitled, "101 Ways My Mom Ignored Me"): "No, what would be cool?"
Son #3: "If I came home from school and found you playing the Wii, totally having mastered "Call of Duty 3". Yep, that would be totally cool."
Me: "What?!"
Son #3: "Yeah, cuz then we could play it together and maybe you'd beat me. Well, maybe."
Me: ----------------------- not saying anything out loud, but wondering what the heck in going on inside that kid's brain.
Son #3: "Don't you think that would be cool?"
Me: "I have to fix dinner."
He's up to something. I haven't quite figured it out yet, but it must be big. I think he's trying to keep me guessing and confused so that I'll be thrown off of the scent of what he's really up to.
Whatever it is --- it's totally working.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Some of my kids are totally nuts
So I'm sitting here with Son #3, watching "Tin Man" (a post-post-post modern "Wizard of Oz" on the Sci Fi channel, which is surprisingly interesting) and here's what this child says:
Son #3: "You know what would be cool?"
Me: "What?" (totally thinking this is going down the "What I want for Christmas" road....)
Son #3: "If I came home from school and you were pregnant."
Me: "I'm sorry ..... what?!"
Son #3: "Wouldn't it be cool if I had a little sibling? And think about it ... there are 3 boys at home and 1 girl. And so if you had a girl then it'd almost be even."
I'm too stunned and nauseated for words. I know that Daughters #2 and #3 share his thoughts (although they may prefer that we adopt a baby --- they tried to talk me into adopting a baby girl from Russia before they graduated from high school. Instead, I let them get 2 puppies, which I am now stuck with. I totally should have gone for the Russian).
What the heck is going on around here? Do I need to spend more time at home? Do I need to play more board games with this kid? Do I need to get him (or me) massive amounts of drugs?!
It's hugely evident that this child is highly disturbed --- I think he needs more "Mommy time". Then he'll realize that God wouldn't do that ......
....to an innocent child.
:)
Son #3: "You know what would be cool?"
Me: "What?" (totally thinking this is going down the "What I want for Christmas" road....)
Son #3: "If I came home from school and you were pregnant."
Me: "I'm sorry ..... what?!"
Son #3: "Wouldn't it be cool if I had a little sibling? And think about it ... there are 3 boys at home and 1 girl. And so if you had a girl then it'd almost be even."
I'm too stunned and nauseated for words. I know that Daughters #2 and #3 share his thoughts (although they may prefer that we adopt a baby --- they tried to talk me into adopting a baby girl from Russia before they graduated from high school. Instead, I let them get 2 puppies, which I am now stuck with. I totally should have gone for the Russian).
What the heck is going on around here? Do I need to spend more time at home? Do I need to play more board games with this kid? Do I need to get him (or me) massive amounts of drugs?!
It's hugely evident that this child is highly disturbed --- I think he needs more "Mommy time". Then he'll realize that God wouldn't do that ......
....to an innocent child.
:)
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