A long day

These pictures are from Easter 1995 (I think).  The boys loved target shooting with Jim (I, of course, was less thrilled with this past-time after Thanksgiving 2001).  The first picture is Son #1, then Son #2 and then back to Son #1 and the target.

Son #2 asked me on this last trip to Oklahoma if they could go out and shoot.  I said no.  Then I told him to ask his uncles, but I think he forgot.  I told them that was probably an activity that was now in the "before".  They seemed OK with that.  I'm not sure how many more times we'll be there now.  My mother-in-law has stopped making any progress.  In fact, she's gone backwards a bit.  I'm sure she's tired and frustrated and depressed.  She doesn't feel like she's going to come out of this.  I think she's ready to go be with Jim.  And I certainly can't blame her.

     Today was a long day.  I went to my first funeral in the "after".  I wasn't as stoic as I thought I would be, but I wasn't a basket case, either.  It was sad.  Very sad.  I was sad for his wife and my friends.  And I was sad for me.  It's weird, but that 10:00 funeral seems like it was days ago. 

     I bought plane tickets today for Son #2 and me for Registration Day in August.  We sent all of the paperwork and the deposit in this weekend.  It's a huge weight off of me.  And, crazy as it sounds, Son #2 seems to actually be looking forward to going.  I signed him up for Jr. Officers Training and he liked that.

  Now if we can just get him to pass 9th grade so that he doesn't have to re-do that grade there. He claims that doesn't bother him but I can't believe that.  There's no way he wants to be known as "Jethro" ---- ummm, I mean, a 16 year old freshman.  All he has to do is turn in his homework and there's no way he can fail.  But that would mean he'd have to do his homework. Sigh.

     Son #1 is killing me with his "college project" for economics.  He has a notebook with pictures and everything.  He's planning on spending lots and lots of money (this is supposedly all make-believe) on clothes (a cashmere topcoat??!! and argyle sweaters).  At least he gave up on the $400 Italian blazer, though that seemed to be a hard decision.  

He came up with a list of decorations for his dorm room (a bonsai tree?).  He also wants 400 thread Egyptian cotton sheets.  He added a 32 inch LCD flat screen TV.  He has an infra-red oven, a Magic Bullet and a fridge.  Oh, and a down comforter (and, a Harry Potter blanket?).

He had to come up with a hypothetical "gift list" for Christmas.  Daughter #3 gets a $90 leather coat.  I, the woman who went through 16 hours of labor, gets an automatic pet feeder.  Yep, you read that right.  A. Pet. Feeder.  I am more underwhelmed than I can say. 

I guess I shouldn't complain too much -- Daughter #2 got a $20 clock. 

At least the pet feeder is $50. 

Sigh --- again.

 

A quiet weekend

This picture is from Jim's parents' 40th anniversary -- 9 years ago.  These are my brother-in-laws and my sister-in-law.  Good looking family.  Especially that guy on the right.  

I really, really miss him.  Infinitely.

It was a quiet weekend.  I stayed in my p.j.s all day yesterday.  We watched movies and I read some stuff for work (I mostly read stuff for work).  Then I got kidnapped around 9:00 (thank you J & J).  They took me to their house to watch a movie, and I promptly fell asleep.  I'm a very quiet kidnapee (OK, I know that's not a word but I don't care).  

Today I went to church, where I felt a bit slammed, but will leave it at that.

Di's father-in-law passed away Thursday night (after a long illness) and the visitation was tonight, so I went to that.  Tomorrow is his funeral.  I am so sad for his wife.  Yes, he had a long life and he's much better now - I'm sure Jim was there to greet him - but it still must be so difficult for her.  I know it is for me and she had him longer than I had Jim.  

I wonder if she looks as forward to death as I do?  It's not that I'm suicidal -- not anymore.  It's just that the thought of death does not scare me -- not at all.  I don't think about it a lot, I'm not planning anything, I just look forward to being with Jim again.  That is still one of the few things I really do look forward to.  

I don't feel as depressed as this sounds, really.  It just is. 

Oh wait --- I just thought of something that depresses me:

I have to go to a track meet tomorrow.

On a positive note, I think it's the last one for the school year!

See, I can see the positive notes -- sometimes.

 

One miracle at a time

This is one of my all-time favorite pictures.  It says so much more than is visible.  So much.

It's from July 1993, in the Redwoods of northern California.  It was very, very quiet.  Want to know what I see?

I see Jim and Son #1, holding tightly on to his daddy's hand.  I see God -- He's so huge in this picture.  I see Jim, awed by God and His presence and His miracles.  I see Son #1, also awed by God's creation, but also awed by his daddy.  And I see the love that can't be contained within the frame of a picture.  I see Jim's love for God and his son.  I see Son #1's love for his father.  I see my love for each of them as I stopped and watched them and knew I needed a visual memory of this day.

OK, I need to take a breather and get a Kleenex.  Haven't cried in about 4 or 5 days.  I'm feeling a little (a lot) vaklemped (not sure how that SNL word is spelled).

Alright --- it's 5 minutes later.  My nose is red and my eyes are swollen --- not a pretty picture so stop trying to see it!

I have had a pretty good week.  There - I did it.  I used the word "good".  That is also a miracle.  And, other than the dizziness and hearing problems, I have felt good.  Well, other than the fact that I did something to my shoulder on Monday, while playing tennis, and it's really bothering me.  But since I don't listen to my body I just put it in the back of my mind and forge ahead.  Getting old stinks (I would say "sucks" but I'm trying to clean up my act).

But emotionally, I have felt good.  Another miracle.  

I know that I am not "all better now".  I know that there will be times when I'm slammed in the gut and heart again (like this morning) but the times in between those times are getting longer.  I may not be "all better" but I am better.

I found this song today by Steven Curtis Chapman -- I think it's called Miracle of the Moments:

     

      It’s time for letting go 
     All of our if only’s 
     ‘Cause we don’t have a time machine 
     And even if we did 
     Would we really want to use it? 
     Would we really want to go change everything? 
     ‘Cause we are who and where and what we are for now 
     And this is the only moment we can do anything about 

   Chorus: 
     So breathe it in and breathe it out 
     Listen to your heartbeat 
     There’s a wonder in the here and now 
     It’s right there in front of you 
     And I don’t want you to miss 
     The miracle of the moment 

     There’s only one who knows 
     What’s really out there waiting 
     In all the moments yet to be 
     And all we need to know 
     Is He’s out there waiting 
     To Him the future’s history 
     And He has given us a treasure called right now 
     And this is the only moment we can do anything about 
     And if it brings you tears 

     Then taste them as they fall 
     And let them soften your heart 
     And if it brings you laughter 
     Then throw your head back 
     And let it go, let it go 
     You gotta let it go 
     Listen to your heartbeat 

 I think I'd definitely use a time machine if I could, though --- not there yet.  But I like the song anyway.  I like to know that the tears soften my heart -- although, between you and me, my heart has got to look like a lump of soaking wet mush now.  I don't think it resembles a heart at all anymore.

I also like the idea of throwing my head back and laughing.  I have done that -- another miracle.

For those who've asked --- I never thought God deserted me totally.  I've been sad, angry, empty, lonely, depressed, almost suicidal, angry some more, sad a whole lot, clueless, in massive pain, breathless, stunned, scared, anxious, bitter, sorrowful, in shock, vulnerable, abandoned, numb, stricken (that's a great descriptive word), paralyzed, alienated, beaten down, broken, miserable,

furious, hopeless, full of despair, isolated and angry -- wait, I think I already used that one (twice!).

I have definitely felt that He's turned His back on me --- several times.  And it has "seemed" to me that He "left the building" on many, many, many days.  But I know that He didn't.  I know that He's always there -- even if I haven't felt him.  Those are some of the times I've been angry.  And when He has allowed "stuff" (wanted to say "crap" or even something worse (!) but again, trying to clean it up) to happen to me and to my family over and over and over again I have been angry and wondered what the hell (sorry, "heck") He's thinking.  

I still don't know what the hell -dang!- heck, He's thinking and I doubt that I ever will.  And I'm getting better at accepting that.

But He has been in my life since I was about 8 years old.  I've always known He's there and always known that He alone will ALWAYS be with me.  He's been a constant presence.  I cannot imagine how different my life would have been without Him.  It's impossible to imagine -- as impossible as imagining what it would be like to not have had Jim, or our children.  Impossible.

Yes, He has allowed something horrific to happen to me, but He has also blessed me infinitely.

And He continues to bless me.

One good day at a time.

One miracle at a time.

Out of body experiences

This picture is from NYC.  We were getting in line for the ferry to the Statue of Liberty.  The man always had some boring reading material.  

I took the boys out to dinner tonight.  I always have the best of intentions.  And I know they must have a secret meeting before we go anywhere.  They plot the specific ways they are going to drive me crazy.  They have got to plan this ahead of time.  There's no way this is just an impromptu gift.  They have a script and they stick to it.  And when my eyes glaze over and my soul leaves my body, they have scored.

Tonight the conversation/argument was "what happens to a glacier if it's struck by lightening".

Son #3 had one opinion.  Son #1 decided to argue the point.  The boy could argue with a post.  He lives to argue.  Thrives on it.  Finds great joy in it.  He starts the argument, my eyes glaze over and then I'm gone.  Jim used to notice this and then he'd ask, "Where are you now?"  I'd answer, "I'm in San Antonio with Daughter #1", or "I'm eating dinner with Daughters #2 & 3 -- I am NOT here."

The sons do not notice this.  They just keep arguing whether a glacier would indeed melt if struck by lightening or if it would blow up.  

They make me tired.

The MRI is done.  The sneaky ENT failed to mention that I would be getting an IV for this so they could do one with contrast.  Jerk.

It took about an hour and was very, very loud.  They put earphones on me and set it to the radio station I requested.  Too bad that the only time I could hear it was when the machine wasn't taking pictures of my brain!  Oh well.  I kept my eyes closed and tried to relax.  I started to fall asleep during the last 5 minutes.  Go figure.

I won't know anything until next week.  

Well, that's it for tonight.  I'm going to have an out of body experience now and maybe take a walk down Broadway.  If I'm not back by tomorrow you might want to call the guys in the white coats.  

Just when you think ....

     This picture is from Jim's 40th birthday.  It was a surprise and we had a great time with several couples (OK, the birthday wasn't a surprise -- duh!  The dinner was.).  This is one of my favorite pictures of him --- what a good-looking guy.  He made me smile a lot more than George does.  

     Just when you think your kid isn't hearing anything you say -- he suddenly does.  

Son #2 missed the bus home today.  He got home an hour later (I was at the lake, trying to make sure the "lake people" don't fine me $500 a day because I don't have a maintenance contract for my septic system.  Don't ask --- sheesh).  

Anyway, I tried to call home several times and he wasn't there.  When I finally got ahold of him here's what transpired:

Me:  "Where have you been?"

Him:  "I missed the bus."

Me:  "Why did you miss the bus?  Were you making out with your girlfriend?"

Him:  "Yeah, pretty much." ---- pause ----- silence ------ "I'm kidding!  One of my friends had a problem so I stayed after to make sure she was OK."

Me:  "How did you get home?"

Him:  "Well, I remembered that you told me if I ever miss the bus I'd better start walking, so I walked."

Me:  "Really?!"

Him:  "Yes, but I also got a ride.  Mr. F. saw me while I was walking and gave me a ride home." (thank you RF)

Me:  "Wow, I'm impressed that you didn't try to call me and that you really started walking!"

Him:  "Well, that's what you told me to do.  Oh .... and I didn't have my cell phone anyway."

Ahhhh, so did he really hear me or was it just because he accidentally left his cell phone in Oklahoma?  I was still impressed.  

I must remember to ask Daughter #1 why it took her over 4 hours to walk home the one time she had to and it only took him an hour.  Of course, he did end up getting a ride -- the cheater.

    This thought just occurred to me --- with him away at school next year, what the heck am I going to blog about?!!!!!!

Pull the bar all the way back, remain seated and keep your hands inside the car at all times (also known as "you're killing me Smalls!")

Welcome to the roller coaster of my life.  Please do not attempt this ride if you are pregnant or have back problems.   It is not for the weak of heart.

Son #2 has decided that he's fine with going to military school.  He wants to go.  This week.

Of course, this was after I received an e-mail from his biology teacher and then heartily congratulated him on an all-time low of a test grade.  A 9.  Yes, as in nine, the number before ten and after eight.  And not as in 9 out of 10.  But just a 9.  Woot.  Oh, and it was an open-note and open-book test.  "How does one make a 9 on that?",  you may ask.  Good question!  Here's what I found out:  you don't bring your book or your notes to class!

So while I am glad that he's fine with the the decision (this week --- wait, did I already write that?), I know that this also means he has totally given up on his classes and grades for the rest of the year.  Sigh.

He has decided that he'll be able to pick up chicks on the beach (near the school) especially since he'll look so "hot" in a uniform.  And the unfortunate thing is ..... he's probably right.  Girls swarm him --- they always have.  Even in kindergarden.  

He.  Is.  Killing.  Me.  One nano second at a time.  

And I've decided that Son #3 has played too much football.  His brain has been rattled way too much.  I walked in on him watching TV in one of the bedrooms back in Oklahoma.  He was holding the remote, very close to the TV, and he looked quite puzzled.

Me:  "What's wrong?"

Him:  "I can't turn the TV down.  The volume doesn't work."  He then points the remote at the TV (and I should point out that he's about 6 inches from the TV) and punches the buttons on it -- over and over again.

Me:  nothing --- I just reach past him and push the "volume" button ON the TV that turns the sound down.   The sound goes down. Then I look at him like he's a moron.

Him:  "Oh.  I was pushing the button that said "picture".  

I'm a wee bit worried about his future.  

The school board has asked me to sit on the stage with them in Jim's place at graduation.  I'll be able to give Son #1 his diploma, which Jim should have done (he did this with Daughters #2 & #3 -- it was awesome).  I'll also be able to give diplomas to the kids that I know, which Jim also should have done.  I am humbled at the request and honored.  Of course, this also means that I can't leave after the E's are done.  Dang!

We had "girls night" at a friend's house tonight and it was a lot of fun (thank you so much AL).

I know some really neat women.  And I got to talk with a woman whom I've "know of" but never formally met (or informally met, for that matter).    We, unfortunately, have some things in common.  Not exactly, but enough to understand each other's feelings and emotions a bit. AB, you are so special and I hope to get to know you better.

OK, the roller coaster is shutting down for the day.  You can get back in line tomorrow for this ride, but be sure to stay behind the yellow line until instructed to board the cars.

You might want to stick with the merry-go-round.  

Mountains of God

Today was a relatively good day.  M and I won our tennis match.  The weather was gorgeous.  Our team went to lunch together.  Other than the constant dizziness, I feel good.  My MRI is scheduled for Thursday afternoon.  So it'll be another week before I know anything.

This is my song for today.  It was on the radio when I got in the car this morning.  It would seem that God speaks to me each day through my car radio with a different song.  It's Mountains of God, by Third Day.

Thought that I was all alone, broken and failed
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn't even know that I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

Til You opened my eyes, I'd never know 
That I couldn't ever make it without You

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through, now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road that You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found that You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time, I lose my way
But You are always there to bring me back again

Sometimes, I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
But of all I've had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare with what's in front of me
With what's in front of me

He is here with me.

I dreamed a dream

     We are back.  This picture is from Easter 1995 with Son #2.  This is where we played with the kids on the farm, flew kites, played football with the boys and uncles, etc.  This is where the original family house stood (the current house is behind me, the picture-taker).  This is where Jim's ashes are (some of them).  That was difficult and humorous and difficult some more.  I wasn't sure what to do -- I've never done this before.  No one wanted to be the "one" to do it.  Except for Son #3, who came right up and said, "I'll do it.  Do you want me to do it?"  I asked him if he were sure and he said yes.  I have amazing children.

I need to point out that Son #3 had never done this before, either --- and it was apparent.  He would put his hand in the bag and then spread them out around him.  My father-in-law muttered, "He looks like he's feeding chickens." and he was right.  That's exactly what it looked like so everyone started chiming in and making suggestions.  There was a fair amount of wind so I suggested that he throw them up in the air, which he promptly did.  Right over his head.  Then we all started yelling for him to get out from underneath the ashes that were coming straight back down, which he managed to do -- barely.  

Oh, and every once in a while he'd look at his hand and then wipe it on his jeans, much to Daughter #1's horror.  She kept yelling, "Stop wiping your hand on your jeans!!!" and everyone laughed.  It was not a serious affair.  Not.  At.  All.  I think my father-in-law was disappointed in us, but I think Jim was happy with us.  As Daughter #1 said, "We already had the service.  We have already gone through eulogies and talking and grieving at his "goodbye".  I don't want to do it again."  

But before we finished I asked if anyone wanted to say anything and my father-in-law did.  He talked to Jim in kind of a prayer.  And we cried.  

And then we were done.

     I visited with my mother-in-law all 3 days.  We went in this morning to say good-bye.  It was so difficult to see her like that.  It was most difficult for Son #3, who broke down after about a minute on the first day and could not go back in.  Sometimes, in my own grief, I forget that they have a different kind of grief and that it's huge, too.  I just held him and let him cry.  

My mother-in-law was glad to see me.  She has very expressive eyes.  I wish she could talk.  It would make such a huge difference.  I cannot imagine how frustrating this is for her.  She's too nice of a person to be going through this.  Way too nice.  But fairness does not exist.

She was very glad to see the kids, too.  Her eyes lit up with the arrival of each one.  I was glad to see that -- glad we could bring some light.  She still has a long road ahead, but she seems to be making a bit of progress each day.

    The flights were uneventful, thankfully.  I felt fine and Son #2 felt fine.  Everyone made it in on time and we all left on time.  

     I had a dream Thursday night.  When I remembered it Friday morning while I was getting ready to leave, I stopped and smiled.  

     In my dream Jim suddenly appeared to me.  Out of thin air.  I looked at him in surprise, but not shock (it was dream, after all).  He said to me, "Don't worry -- I can see you all of the time and I'm here with you.  I'm watching you and the kids.  It's OK -- I'm here."  I asked him if that was really true and he said yes.  Then he was gone.  I'm not sure exactly what happened next, but I was in some kind of situation.  Afterwards, he came to me again.  He told me exactly what had just happened and what I had done.  He said that to prove to me that he actually did see me.  And I was happy.  Very, very happy.   And I was happy to remember it.  I told the kids about it, and I told Jim's mom about it.  Her eyes lit up again at that thought.

So do mine.

Easter?

 The above picture is from Easter 1995 (note the honkin' huge VHS video camera in Jim's hand!).  That's his mom (on the farm) holding Son #3, who no longer sucks his fingers.  Just in case you were worried.

     Is it just me or does it seem really strange that Easter is already upon us?  I didn't do a thing this year -- no decorations, no egg dye, no basket stuff --- nothing.  It just snuck up on me -- not that I might have done something anyway -- especially since we'll be in Okla for half the day and then flying home.  It's always been one of my favorite holidays, but funny how your feelings on holidays can change.  

     The boys and I left the lake around noon and now they are spread out all over our community.  They seem to be having a good spring break.  They did manage to get the boat out this morning for a while.  That was good -- they loved it and I didn't have to buy a new battery. Yay.     

I got up and watched the sun rise --- something that Jim loved to do.  It was beautiful.

     Tonight I'm going to see "The Rat Pack" with Daughter #1 and two friends.  It should be fun.

We leave tomorrow morning for Oklahoma so no blog entries until Sunday or Monday.  As an aside, I'm taking Jim's ashes so that some part of him can be on the farm (some at the farm, some at the lake, which has yet to be done).  He also loved to be there.  Here's hoping that the security people don't give me a problem.  You could pray about that, please (all of that).

     I'm going to post some pictures and then try to come up with a question for you to discuss.

This is Son #1, washing my car.  I wish I could keep him here (and NOT just because he washed my car!):

                                                   Daughters #2 & #3:
           Son #2 --- yes, he's quite tall (I am NOT quite short!):
                        Five out of six (Daughter #1 was probably in hiding!):
                                            My wonderful sister:

See, they really did start getting along:

                                            The view from the lake:

                                               The sunrise:

 

And the coup de grace--one of the banes of my existence--the battle I choose not to fight (although I do make daily comments)--the reason I need a super-duper staple gun:

Sigh.  So there you go -- a nice view of Son #2's butt.  And he doesn't even care.  Wouldn't you think that would bug the heck out of someone?  Sheesh, I hate it when my underwear shifts, let alone my pants fall off!!!!

Oh well -- as I side, a battle I choose not to fight -- too much.

     I hope you all have a blessed and peaceful Easter.  This is the day that sets us apart from other "faiths" -- our God came back and still lives!!  

     Which brings me to the question:  What is your favorite holiday and why?

Discuss.

:)

Jim's favorite place

     Well, here we are.  And it's gone better than I had expected.  I was actually pretty ready to come and get past the past.  Or to at least embrace the past, I guess.  Jim loved it here --- we were able to totally relax, even if we had work to do.  I'm glad that his last weekend was spent here, with the boys and me.  

     Son #1 helped me go through the files here.  Then I cleaned out our closet and packed up Jim's clothes.  

     Sons #2 & #3 went fishing.  All 3 were going to take the boat out (I know absolutely zero about that boat) but the battery is dead.  No surprise there.  It's being charged and hopefully they'll be able to go out in the morning.  They love it here, too.

     So I guess I'm not the only person that needs to vent about medical stuff!  That could probably be an entire blog!  Oh, and since no one commented on my vent about the woman who needed money, I'm thinking that everyone thinks I AM a terrible person!  Oh well.

     I'm feeling much better.  I even played tennis this morning -- finally.  The head and ears thing is still going on, but I'm getting used to that.  I forgot to mention that I have hearing loss in one ear, which is not a good sign with the other symptoms.  I've always had really good hearing but I knew something was amiss.  I just thought the kids were always mumbling.  Guess I can stop blaming them for that!  Looks like I may have my MRI on Monday.  Maybe it's just sinuses.

     I had a great quiet time with God this morning.  I had to confess that I haven't totally let go of bitterness.  I know that He loves me and that His plan is only good for me and the kids.  He hasn't caused all of these awful things.  He's allowed them (and I may never know why, which I've accepted) but they weren't His will.  I was even able to pray for specific people and situations -- probably for the first time since December 18th.  It was good and I felt that He and I are good.

     Speaking of the 18th, it didn't bother me yesterday -- also for the first time.  I actually didn't even think of it beforehand, until someone mentioned it the day before.  And then yesterday I only thought of it a couple of times.  Really.  I guess that's good.  

     So, all in all, the past two days have been better days.  I know better than to think this is a trend, but to just enjoy the better days when they come.  

     And so I have.

     

8 vials later ....

     Sounds like a title of a horror flick.  Eight test tubes of blood (some were bigger than others, what's with that?!).  Son #2 accompanied me on this lab visit and let's just say that he enjoyed it very, very much.  You, too, may enjoy this visit if you can figure out where his MySpace is.  Yes, he took pictures -- while he cackled with glee.  Loudly.  I am loved (?).

     The other title I was considering for this post is "Excuse me while I vent".   I consider that ample warning:  don't blame me if you keep reading.

     I have 3 things to vent about and it's only 1:00 p.m.

     Vent #1:  

   I received a bill from Texas Children's Hospital for $120  (where the lung doctor's office is located).  I first noticed that they did not send this to my insurance company.  Then I noticed that there was no description for this charge.   I thought to myself, "What the heck?  Are they charging me for just walking into the building?!".  So I gave them a call.  No, they hadn't put it through to the insurance company but would be happy to do so.  And then:

Me:  "Thank you very much."

Her:  "Your welcome."

Me:  "Oh, by the way, what, exactly, is this charge for?"

Her:  "Ummm, it's a facility charge."

Me:  pause ----- "Are you telling me that you're charging me $120 just because I walked through the doors?!".

Her:  slight pause ----"Ummmm, yes, pretty much."

Me:  slighter pause ---- "Are you FREAKING kidding me????  You're charging ME when I'm already paying the doctor a huge fee so that HE can pay YOU?????!!!!!  That's the most asinine thing I've ever heard of and there's no STINKING way I'm going to pay this!  AND, I'm going to call my insurance company and tell them NOT to pay you!!!!"

   OK, so I made up that last line.  I wish I'd said that.  Instead I said, "Well .... thanks for at least sending it to the insurance company."  

     Vent #2 (and this shows how horrible a person I am):

  I stopped by my office today and I had a message from a woman who wanted money.  Churches get these calls all of the time (and even walk-ins).  This used to be part of my job description but it is no longer.  But not everyone at church knows that, thus the message.  I told someone before I left so that if she called again they would know who handles this.

And then I came home.  And saw that Son #3 had left me a message from this same woman.  She called my home!!!  I was stunned.  I don't know how she got my phone number but I felt hugely violated.  And not at all inclined to give her any money (I told you I'm horrible).  I called someone at church who very nicely offered to call her.  Thank you, J.

     Vent #3:

     OK, so I'm reaching here, but know that this is after #1 and #2.  

Why is it that whenever I finally sit down to see if there's a movie on TV, the guide ALWAYS shows that every-single-movie started 45 minutes earlier?!!  And sometimes, as unbelievable as you may find it, I swear there's a movie listed that I could've watched that WAS NOT on the guide when I checked 30 minutes ago!!  It's a plot.  I know that I'm being gas lighted.  At first I just thought it was the kids.  But the satellite company is in on it, too. 

 I don't stand a chance.

    As a P.S.-- tomorrow the boys and I will go to the lake.  I have not been there since that "last" weekend.  I haven't wanted to go --- still am not 100% sure about it, but I have to go.  And I need to get this over with.  There are papers that I need to go through and things that need to be taken care of.  My plan is to spend the night and return on Thursday.

But as I have learned -- the best laid plans ............

Really?!

Well, there's good news and ...... not-so-good-news.

My ears are fine.  The infection is gone, as is the fluid.  Which begs the question, "Why am I dizzy and why do they feel like they're always full?".   The ENT said that it could certainly be stress-induced.  Or not.  So he ordered a ton of blood work and an MRI.  Trust me, don't google the options.  I'm hoping for stress-induced.  Not that I would mind anything horrific happening to me, truthfully.  But I refuse to believe that God would do that to my kids.  I mean, really??   Well, I'd like to believe that He wouldn't do that, but given the last few months ...... ya know.  He seems to be having a blast with this family.  

On a positive note, I can fly so we're going forth with the trip to Oklahoma.  And we're all going now.  Daughter #1 doesn't have to work now so I bought her ticket today (don't ask).

I'm also feeling better today (other than the ear thing).  So yay for that.  Funny how feeling better helps better your attitude.  

Oh, and the "Horton" movie was cute.  And I didn't fall asleep during it (almost, but not quite).

OK, here's a question:  do you think CPS would come for a visit if I used a staple gun to keep Son #2's pants above his butt?  

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

A funny thing happened .....

 ..... 23 1/2 years ago -- I fell in love with being a mom.  As I mentioned earlier, it wasn't foremost in my plans.  And if anyone had told me when I was in college (or earlier) that I would have 6 children, I might have found that nunnery.  Or had my tubes tied.  

Heck, if anyone had told Jim, I wouldn't have had to worry about it.  He would've run for the hills.  For a while.  

I have always been one to say that God's plans were not my plans.  Not at all.  But His plans were so much better than anything I could have imagined for my life that I was eager to tell people what He had done.  I learned more and more to rely on Him over the years and to trust Him.

Until December.

My head and my experience tells me that He's in control and that His plans are not to harm me but to give me a hope and a future.   But my heart doesn't see that.  My heart sees that He harmed me .... as much as is humanly (or Godly) possible.  

I've never lost a child but I cannot imagine a greater pain than losing Jim.  If we had ever lost a child I would've had him beside me to share the grief.  Even though I would've experienced a devastating pain,  I would've had Jim.  I would've had the other half of my heart.   

I miss my heart.  

     Daughters #2 & #3 went back to school today.  Their spring break is over.  The boys' is just beginning.  

I did manage to go to church this morning.  And I held a baby .... again.  I love holding babies.  I always have.  They can be so soothing (mostly!). 

    Tomorrow I go see the ENT.  And then I may make an appointment to see my regular doctor. I'm tired of feeling sick .... and tired.  I'm not sure what to attribute to grief and what might be something else.  I do not like going to the doctor.  I hate being sick.  I rarely am.  I've never had time to be ill.  Not in this house.  The natives would've become quite restless.

They can restless enough while I'm fully-functioning --- I hate to think what might happen if I just give in and surrender!  And I know what you're thinking:

I haven't been fully-functioning in a long time.  Just keep your opinion on how long to yourself.

      

     

Crawling forth

     This is a picture of Jim and Daughter #1.  He loved being a father.  The morning after she was born he came to the hospital and told me how strange it was to say the words, "my daughter".  He practiced over and over that morning while he was shaving.  He had that stupid grin on his face that new dads get.  Especially new dads of daughters.

And he cried when every child was born.  All six --- and two were born on the same day (OK, they were an hour and a half apart so we both cried on that one).  He cried with joy and relief that it was over and I was OK.   He always put me first and always worried if I was ill.   Sometimes that would drive me nuts.  I wish he were here worrying about me now.

     I'm finally feeling somewhat better.  I have slept more in the past 2 days than I have in years.  I could still sleep some more.  But I'm not heaving so that's a plus.  And my esophagus doesn't feel like it's burning so that is positive.  I guess the down side is that I can definitely not eat much at all and the thought of drinking wine (or anything with spice or alcohol) horrifies me.  But at least I have crawled out of bed.  I even went with the girls and Son #1 to see the Horton movie.  I probably shouldn't have done that because I started feeling ill and too exhausted to talk before we got home.  I went back to bed and slept for 3 more hours.  I am now in the family room, hanging with the kids.  The ears and sinuses are still an issue.  I know --- too much info.  It's surprising how much your physical condition affects your mental condition -- and visa versa.   I would just like to feel good in both conditions -- for maybe a day?  That seems to be too much to ask.  

     Daughter #1 got a letter from Yale today, regretfully not accepting her.  She's relieved and seems to feel really good.  She had chosen Harvard anyway, but still wasn't sure about having to decide between the two.  Yale's loss (she also got accepted from another school this week but had already told them "no, thank you").   So she has a plan and is happy.  I'm happy for her and for her future.  Hopefully I'll be able to go visit her in Moscow next spring while she's studying there.

     OK, time to hang with the kids.  Before I fall asleep again.

     

I surrender

Let's see .... do you want the bad news or the bad news first?

You're right, let's go with the bad.  Son #3's bike was stolen from his school yesterday.

And what was that other thing......?  Oh, yeah --- I remember ---- I'm sick.  I think I have what my sister had and I just want to go into a coma.  I'm getting ready to go back to bed for the weekend.

I'm also considering becoming a Buddhist or maybe one of those martian-jump-on-the-couch-people.  

It seems to me, in the concert of my life, "God has left the building."

In the beginning....

..... I didn't want to get married until I was at least thirty.  I didn't really want more than one, maybe I could be talked into two, kids.

And then I fell in love.  About a month before this picture was taken.  He said, "I love you." and my heart automatically spoke those words back.  I didn't pause, I didn't think .... I spoke.  "I love you, too."  We had never said those words to someone before (OK, other than family).  

And I never looked back.  And never, ever regretted getting married WAY before I was 30.

 Don't push me on the kid topic.

     Today I went to my tennis drill.  Note that I did not use the words "I played tennis" because I can't fairly say that  I was not present on the court today, physically or mentally.  I'm not sure I remember how to be present mentally anymore.  Some days, minutes, are better than others.

     My ears feel full again.  So now the doctor is sending me to an ENT.  Great.  They mentioned the option of putting tubes in.  I have never heard of an adult having that done.  And can I just say that I didn't hear anything mentioned about not feeling pain while this is done?!  I'm sure it will be worth if it I can stop feeling dizzy and tipsy and pressurized.  Won't it?

     And Son #3 is currently at a track meet ---- and I am not.  I. Am. A. Horrible. Mother.  He texted a few moments ago to tell me they were getting ready to jump (he's been there since 4:30).  I wasn't sure I could get up there before he jumped so I didn't go.  I finished watching "American Gangster".   I chose Denzel over Son #3.  I won't blame you if you call CPS.

     And I was also horrible when I was happy to get a Fed Ex package with the updated acceptance letter for Son #2.  But then, he's told me that before.  I can freely admit and deal with that. Nobody's perfect.

     My sister is fine today.  Last night we went to the ER for about 3 hours .... and then she got better.  I'm relieved she's feeling normal because I would have hated to drag her butt around the rodeo tomorrow when we go see Toby Keith, but I would have.

     And now for a personal message or two:  Beccam --- cookie bars --- ANY time!  LD --- OMG those truffles you made are amazing and gone!  I had one for the first time last night and you can bring those as regularly as you want.  I'm not sure I can now live without them!  

MQ --- I'm doing OK for now, thanks.  I'm still enjoying the memory of your last visit.  You are so much appreciated.

     Daughter #1 interviewed with Yale today.  She told them she had to know something by Saturday, since she has to give another school an answer. They said they would certainly contact her by then, but we're sending stuff to Harvard tomorrow. 

     Jovie has decided that she likes Colbie: 

Either that or the boys drugged her while we were with half of my town at the ER last night.

And these are more shots of my "baby":

I was wrong ....

     I thought that the shock of Jim not being here had worn off.  I was wrong.  Sometimes it still knocks the breath out of me.  Like when I look at certain pictures.  This picture is from our senior year at OSU -- my sorority formal.  I didn't think I could love him any more than I did that day.  I was wrong about that, too.

I have mixed emotions when I look into that 21 year old girl's eyes.  I see all of the love to come and all of the joy and the children and the good things.  (It's a good thing she had no idea about the children to come --- she may have tried to fin a Baptist convent.)

I also see the huge, bottomless pit of pain that is to come.  And look at her -- she has no clue. All she sees is him and can only imagine their future.  

But I wouldn't have told her.  

Never in a million years.  

     Today has been quiet.  My sister is sick.  I hope it's not the flu.

I did stuff for work most of the day and am still in my p.j.s.

I paid Continental a thousand more dollars today --- just to change the departure date.  

But, once the agent changed the dates a flag appeared that said I needed to call the insurance company, which indicated that I had indeed purchased insurance (though an e-mail to that company came back saying that they had no info on me yesterday).  I called them and yes, I have insurance, so hopefully I will get that thousand dollars back.  I'm hoping that one of the doctors in Oklahoma will sign them and it will be no problem.  Let's just say that with the way things have gone the last few months, I will be pleasantly surprised if that happens.

     My mother-in-law is doing better.  I am told she's smiling and trying to communicate.  That's good news.  I am looking forward to seeing her, though I know it will be both good and painful for each of us.

     I'm not sure how much longer to wait before I go back in to the doctor.  My forehead feels very, very full and spinning-like.  How's that for a clear description?  So much for being an eloquent writer.

     Speaking of that, I have heard what many of you have said.  Very many.  While I do not agree and have no idea how to be a writer, I have decided to go to a Christian women writers' conference this summer (thank you, S and K).  I'm not sure if anything will come of it, but I do get to spend my birthday with two wonderful women and I'll be in North Carolina,  so why not?       The Kenya trip is moving forward.  Things seem to be much better there and the two lead guys left last Thursday for the pre-trip.  The thought of this trip is overwhelming exhausting to me but I also think it will energize me.  I have talked to each of my children and each one is good with it.  They have no worries.  I believe them.  

I'm not asking my parents' opinions --- I think we all know what they think.  :)

P.S.  My lovely sorority sister, SB, read this entry and then sent me an e-mail with some of the lyrics to Garth Brook's song, "The Dance".   Thank you, SB.  

Looking back on the memory of 
The dance we shared beneath the stars above 
For a moment all the world was right 
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye 
And now I'm glad I didn't know 
The way it all would end the way it all would go 
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain 
But I'd of had to miss the dance 
Holding you I held everything 
For a moment wasn't I the king 
But if I'd only known how the king would fall 
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all 
And now I'm glad I didn't know 
The way it all would end the way it all would go 
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain 
But I'd of had to miss the dance 
Yes my life is better left to chance 
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

 

Another smile

My beloved tennis partner, M, loves to make me smile. So she and her son made this picture for me. I think he did a great job. Except I look taller and thinner there -- and here, not so much.
But, it makes me smile --actually it made me laugh out loud when I first saw it. The only possible way to improve this is to have me looking at him ...... just looking.
Sigh.
Several people have told me that they totally understand this "fixation" of mine. It's because George resembles Jim -- especially in the eyes. I never noticed how much he made me smile until the "after" and now it makes perfect sense. It's really Jim, still making me smile.
Or that's what I choose to think, anyway.
I hope that my 3 fun friends have a blast at Rascal Flatts tomorrow night and attempt to get me out again with them!  

I'm needed to hang around with my sister and girls and relax as much as possible.  Thursday we are back out to the rodeo to see Toby Keith.  Then Dawn has to leave on Friday.  :( 

And now she's moving to Chicago -- a lovely, windy city that is a great place to live (I know this from personal experience).  It's still sounds nothing like HOUSTON, nor looks like HOUSTON, or has anyone who ......say..........ummmmmmmmm...............LIKES & LOVES THEM like they do in HOUSTON!!

Oh, and I hope all of you Italy people have a molto bene trip and I look forward to seeing your pictures.

And if you see George --- please try to set up a meeting for me.  Please!

Again, not to stalk or to worry --- just to stare, kindly.

Sigh.

Nothing's easy

I think I used to take my "before" for granted. In fact, I know I took my "before" for granted. My life was wonderful. Of course we still had issues and still dealt with children and grades and things that were a pain in the neck, but it was wonderful. And I would've told you that "before" --- so maybe I didn't take it that much for granted. And I was spoiled -- no doubt about that. And things were easier. So, so much easier.
Not now.
My credit card company was supposed to transfer the account into my name. Instead, someone pushed the "delete" button. And didn't tell me. And now I've talked to 6 different people who tell me a different story. Hopefully someone will fix it soon.
My computer is still holding deep, much-needed secrets.
I know that I purchased trip insurance for the trip to Oklahoma next week, but now I have no proof. No saved e-mails, no account info, nothing. So now I get to call Continental and beg to try to use these tickets at another time because my mother-in-law is on life-support and won't be out of the woods for a long time.
Son #2 is threatening to never see or talk to me again when I send him off to school in August (at least that will cut down on the cost of air fare and the cell phone bill). And note that I said "when" and not "if".
And yet I have not seen him crack a book in well over 2 weeks.
And my sinuses are bothering me again --- I'm thinking that the antibiotics aren't doing a thing. And the dizziness is making more appearances. I don't think I could fly if I wanted to.
Oh, and Jovie still hates Colbie.
But, my sister is here. My girls are here --- and the boys are still in school this week.
So no, things are not easy. Not by a long shot.
But then, I was blessed to have "easy" for quite a while.
Perspective.

Spring?

Spring is in the air. Well, actually, the smell of poop is in the air because I just had mulch put in this week. I want to open a window but it makes me gag. And then there's the fact that I forget it's the mulch that smells and I start looking around the house for cat poop.
Speaking of poop --- I am. Pooped, that is. And it's only 10:30 a.m.
Yesterday was spent in my p.j.s trying to find and restore whatever info I could on to my computer. Thankfully I have many of our pictures stored on line for relatives to view so I was able to download those. I was also able to buy a program that let me put all of my music and video files back on the new system.
The main thing I'm missing now is my saved e-mails. That's a pain, to put it mildly. Oh well.
This morning I got up an hour later, which really wasn't (I hate the first week of "spring forward"). Then I cleaned out Jim's closet. Totally. I packed everything up and stored it and de-cluttered and re-packed and de-cluttered again. I didn't get rid of anything, just cleaned out the closet. I've been thinking about it for a while --- the closet was a good thing-bad thing. I needed to make it a "different" thing. Kind of like spring cleaning, I guess.
I wish I could spring clean my heart.
The girls got home around 8:00 last night.
My sister will be here today --- after sitting at the airport far longer than she had anticipated. It seems that her flight is delayed because there's something wrong with the plane. Oh, but not to worry --- they're flying in a mechanic to fix it. Nice, huh? So she's at least 2 hours out and trying not to stress.
I told her not to get too sloshed or they won't let her on the plane (when it's eventually working).
I've seen "Airline" ..... I know whereof I speak.

It's all in your perspective

So, I moved from feeling like screaming &/or crying to just feeling like I'm going to throw up.
It's all gone. Yep, everything. I have some pictures on my iPhone and my iPod, but not the thousands I had on my Mac. And now I don't have all of the mailboxes with every picture sent to me, every recipe, tax info, e-mails that were sent when Jim died, insurance e-mails, passwords, our vacation pictures, the pictures of Jim that were scanned --- you name it, it's gone.
Well, I'm sure the FBI could retrieve everything .... and maybe this company in California (per the guy at the Apple store) but they'd charge me around $2000.00.
(MB --- is your son KB coming home for spring break? I've been told that he's a genius and maybe he could restore it. Just a thought.)
But, Son #1 is still alive and I've been surprisingly calm. Crap happens. What can you do? If I've learned anything in the "after" I've learned this: it really is all in your perspective.
In other news, M and I won our tennis match this morning in the freezing cold wind.
And I was validated by a therapist today --- %150. After one visit.
It's one thing to be validated by my friends (for a huge decision) -- it's another to be validated by a professional who has no ties me. She just listened -- to the person who talked and to the person who refused to talk.
So, in spite of losing my tech life and vowing to go back to a paper calendar, I'm not heaving.
And I have 4 wonderful friends are came over with a movie, wine and dessert. We ordered Chinese and we keep having to rewind the movie to keep up (much to Son #1's annoyance).
So there we are.
Perspective.

Computer, and thus mental, breakdown

I don't know whether to scream or cry.
I have loved my Mac for a year. Yesterday I downloaded the new operating system, Leopard. And then I lost my calendars. Huge, massive, OMG-what-am-I-going-to-do problem. So what did I do? I turned my Mac over to Son #1.
And then I went to bed.
Big mistake. Big, big, big, big mistake.
Now I have the new OS but I have nothing else. No mail accounts (no saved e-mails), no pictures, no music, no documents, nothing. Zero. Nada.
I'm stunned. And he slinked right out the door to school this morning, mumbling something about maybe I should call Apple. I don't know what the heck he did, how can can I call for help?!!
On another front, the steroids have kicked in which means that I have terrible stomach pain. It hit during the night. I knew it was coming but hoped maybe I'd miss it this time. No such luck. My stomach is still killing me and I'm supposed to play a make-up match in one hour. And it's not even 40 degrees outside.
I want to go back to bed.
On a good note, George is back. On a less than positive note, one of my sons has "issues" with George. He hid the TV Guide (and the Time magazine Di had just brought over and I hadn't even opened) because he seems to be a bit angry that I'd smile at another man.
We had a talk. Hopefully I reassured him that he only makes me smile. Like Colbie makes me smile. No competition. No one taking Jim's place in my heart or in our home.
He seems better.
A little reassurance always helps.
Even though he's now threatening me about never contacting me ever, ever, ever again if I "try" to send him to the military academy.
Oh well. One less phone call.
:)

Where's George?!

I just noticed -- just now -- that George is gone. The TV Guide is not on the table! The house was cleaned today and I'm hoping the cleaners did NOT toss him!! I find it hard to believe that they'd leave a paper bag on the floor (it's the kitten's) for 2 weeks but they'd throw George away!! I'm trying not to hyperventilate!
The other option is that one of the boys hid it. Someone may get hurt.
Today was a decent day (well, outside of George going MIA). I played tennis and went to work. And exchanged e-mails with the military academy. I re-submitted the application and I feel positive about that. Today anyway.
Oh, and I had lunch with friends.
And a few of my friends came over tonight to visit.
Have I mentioned that I love my friends?
Oh, and I talked about quitting my job last week but my boss said that was not an option. Thank God for him. I feel (or imagine that I feel) that people are expecting more of me than I can give at the moment. Not anybody on staff with me (the friends with whom I work). They only love me. But the vision of my job is changing and we're not sure what it's going to look like as we approach that vision. Which is fine with me, surprisingly. I don't usually like to not know where I'm going, but nowadays that is each day of my life. So I'm good with just praying and waiting. I think the people who are used to the the former way of doing things are going to have a more difficult time at first. Those are the expectations I hate to not meet, but I won't. I can't. My former people-pleasing--I-want-everyone-to-like-me personality (before I was 40 or so) would be aghast at the thought of not meeting someone's expectations.
Now, not so much. Especially in the "after".
Daughter #1 has her phone interview with Yale next week.
Daughters #2 & #3 will be here in 3 days.
My sister will be here in 4.
I AM counting.

Medical update (a.k.a-how boring can I get?)

Well, I'm glad I went for a second opinion (thank you Wendee). I found out that I have a flaming doulbe ear/sinus infection. My lymph nodes are swollen and my eustachian tubes have been full so long that they are swollen shut (I KNEW that it wasn't just old age causing my deafness!). So I am now on antibiotics and steroids. Yee-haw. I hate steroids but maybe I should take advantage of this and go try out for pro-baseball.
Son #2 took a bio test yesterday and feels like he totally flunked. HUGE surprise since I haven't seen a book cracked. I told someone that he will either learn to swim or sink like a rock with no one riding him about grades. I think God can use a few rocks.
I, in turn, am preparing the paperwork again for the Marine Military Academy (and my heart doesn't feel as heavy about it this time --- for now, anyway).
Jim's mom continues to make small improvements though it looks like she will be in the hospital for many weeks or months. She is on the respirator at 60% last I heard, but is still in serious condition.
I'm not sure what to do about taking the kids up there for Spring Break.
That's all the news for Wednesday morning.
Oh, and I think more than a few Republicans crossed lines last night here in Texas. It's going to be very interesting, to say the least.

I can feel it coming in the air tonight .....

So today I go get a second opinion about my ears, which are driving me insane. Then I get to go see Faith Hill with three friends that I haven't spent much time with in a while and I'm looking forward to that.
Phil Collins has been singing in my head lately (maybe I have what the guy has on "Eli Stone"!). I can feel something in the air.
I can sense it.
In the past 5 days I have twice been stunned by the fact that "life goes on". Stunned as in had my breath knocked out. By the cold, hard fact that life is going on. With or without me so I'd better jump on board...... or get left behind. Very far behind.
I knew in my brain that life, or rather, everyone else's life, would go on. I knew to expect it. I thought that I would be prepared. But my heart wasn't expecting it. My heart isn't even close to being prepared. I don't think that's possible, though sometimes a "head's up" might be some kind of buffer.
So those two events plus the sense I'm feeling (plus Phil in my head) are leading me to think that I am being expected to move on. To be a bit...... oh, I don't know ....... a bit happier? Maybe "happy" isn't the word. Maybe a bit less depressed. A bit more humorous?
And maybe, just maybe, a bit less honest.
M tells me that it's like someone you love is in the hospital, seriously ill. Then one day you visit and she seems better. Then you go down to the cafeteria to get something to eat and when you come back you discover that she crashed when you weren't looking. And there you are, helplessly watching her, thinking, "What happened?! I thought she was better!"
Sometimes the patient also thinks she is better.
And then reality hits and she discovers ----- not so much.
But, hey, the patient majored in Theatre and can act.
She's a pro.

I admit it

I am a horrible mother. No, really, it's OK. I'm good with it. Maybe I'll get 10% of the books' profits. All 6 books, though I'm sure some will be much thicker (and more profitable) than others.
I just got a message from Son #3. No pole vaulting today (which means he didn't make today's team because he overslept and missed practice last Friday). My first reaction was not, "Awwww, poor guy. He must be devastated. I should bake him some cookies or something else so he can learn to eat his feelings."
Nope. My first reaction was, "Yes!", accompanied with a fist pump.
I am horrible.
I also admit that I received this message via text messaging because I went right out and bought that 13 year old kid a phone after the misery of the first track meet. So our "no cell phones until you're 16" rule has gone out the window. If I sat and thought about it I'm sure I could come up with a lot of other things that have flown out the windows in the past few months (well, if I could remember them).
Oh, and Son #2 brought home his report card on Friday.
Here was my reaction:
"You only got ONE F!!! GOOD FOR YOU!!!!"
I then told him that he could now have unlimited texting.
Mother of the year, that should be me.
If one of the other kids had gotten a single F on their report cards they would have been grounded for life.
My, it's amazing how little time it sometimes takes for one's perspective to change.
A whole lot can happen in a little time.

Or so I've heard

V left early this morning. I was sad to see her go but I get to see her in a month or so.
Daughter #1 came home this afternoon. I'm glad to have her home. And get this -- Yale agreed to do a phone interview (after telling her they don't do those and she told them she was sorry, but she couldn't come. WHERE did she come from?!!).
Daughters #2 & #3 are home next week for their spring break. I will be so happy to have them home.
I took the medication that my doctor prescribed for the dizziness for the first time today and I hate it. I figured that would be the case, which is why I hadn't taken it before. It knocked me out and then made me feel soooo tired. I always feel tired on my own, thank you very much -- I certainly don't need any extra help.
I received an e-mail from Jim's aunt and uncle today and his mom has improved since Friday. She's responding to people talking to her, nodding her head and opening her eyes some times. Her blood pressure is better. Keep praying, please.
I've been thinking about this "2 brain" thing I've got going on. The part of my brain that constantly thinks about Jim -- constantly. And the other part that tries to keep up with everything else but doesn't seem to be doing a good job. The "Jim part" seems to take its job very seriously. It never stops.
I've been told that there are some times when people first wake up and they don't remember what's going on in their lives -- for a moment. That first moment when sleep and wakefulness mingle together and everything's OK. And then the present clears away the sleep.
I have never had that moment. Never, ever. I'm always aware that he is gone. I go to sleep knowing and I wake up knowing.
I do everything knowing.
I'm not sure what would be worse -- always knowing or having that "moment" and then having it cruelly yanked away.
I think I'd rather be aware than feel as if I'd been sucker-punched over and over.
Some people like having the "moments".
Or so I've heard.

His voice makes me smile

V and I and three other good friends went to see Michael Buble tonight.
His warm-up act was a group of seven young men called Naturally 7. They were amazing. They don't use instruments but you'd never know it to hear them. They use their voices to sound like different instruments in a band. You should google them.
They sang for about 30 minutes or so and then there was about a 30 minute break.
And suddenly, there he was. No one announced him, we just heard him. And I automatically smiled. What an incredible voice.
I wonder if George can sing as well as Michael?
Somehow, I doubt it.
But really, who cares?
I can have my Ipod on while I watch George.

P.S. MQ, you can visit me any time.