Love and hate and everything in between

Have you ever had anyone in your life that you love and yet hate? Someone whom you love and would do anything for but who causes you more pain than you ever thought possible?
Hate and love are separated by an amazingly thin line. Love energizes you but hate zaps every ounce of energy from you.
I find it interesting that you can have both of those emotions at the same time. Especially since you never hear anyone admit that about someone they're supposed to love. "Good" people would never admit that. "Good" people would be shocked that you would even whisper that, let alone say it.
It sounds very windy tonight.
Or is that the sound of whispering?

Another day

Well, today started out differently. I ended up spending the morning at the doctor's office. I woke up with an inner ear problem -- dizzy and nauseous and my left ear hearing a "tinny" sound. It was very irritating and I couldn't move my head much or I'd feel like throwing up. It was interesting. And there's nothing much to be done. Take Clairitan D to try to get rid of the fluid in my inner ear, take a medication that knocks me out for a couple of hours for the dizziness and nausea. I didn't take it -- I'd rather put up with the dizziness than be out of it that much. Oh, and it will probably always be a slight problem so I can't ride the tea cup ride at Disney World or a carousel. Add that to the list of things Son #2 can't do and now I need to keep a reminder in my purse! "Let's see ---- who can't do what here?".
Daughter #1 is out of town now --- she was presenting her paper tonight, which was published. Very boring sounding but also very impressive. And, she heard from Yale on Monday and she has an interview with them (I'm not sure where she came from but I think she certainly took the most amount of brain cells --- very selfish of her). I'm not sure that she's going to go there --- I think she's leaning towards Harvard, maybe. Can you believe that Harvard would be someone's "backup" school?!! Sheesh.
Oh, and to my little bro and sis ---- yes, I am a weenie when it comes to being cold. There are not many things I would admit to being a weenie about, but I freely admit to this. No, it's not nearly as cold here as it is in your neck of the woods, but for us, it's cold. Very, very cold. Before you start thinking you are superior in the weather department -- let's compare our summers and what you two think is "hot". Trust me --- what you think is "hot" is spring to me. So, it's all in the perspective. :)
OK, the typing and the reading makes the nausea worse so that's it for today.
Oh, Jim's mom improved slightly today. Just slightly but when you're deep in the woods you really hang on to "slightly".
I seem to live deep in the woods.

Frozen and pooped

Today was a full day.
First of all, Son #2's "lung" doctor appointment was moved up very rapidly (to this morning) since we may have to go to Oklahoma sooner than planned (they had told us he couldn't fly until they saw him).
It turns out that, yes, he does have bubbles of air in the lining of his lungs. They have probably always be there and will always be there, unless he has surgery to remove them. This is not an uncommon problem and we might not have ever been aware of it had it not been for Jim's death and the following CT scans. It could be something Son #2 would never have been aware of and would never had a problem. But now we are aware of it and it will affect him and his future slightly. He cannot ever scuba dive or go snow skiing (or mountain climbing). He won't be able to go on our church's youth trip to Colorado (they go every other year and this is the "on" year). He can never play contact sports. And he should never, ever smoke. The doctor would not say "he cannot fly" but said some doctors would say that. He said it shouldn't be a problem, but you never know. He told us what signs to be aware of in case he does fly and has a problem (his lung collapses). The kid has already flown to Alaska and Italy with no problems.
So there we are. In the greater scheme of things in my life and his life, this is not a big deal. Well, at least not in my life. He will adjust his thinking --- I'm not sure that he ever planned to scuba dive or mountain climb anyway. He did want to go skiing.
He and I had a rough day yesterday. Probably the roughest yet. Not really between the two of us but in dealing with him and school and his issues. God and I may be very close to not speaking -- again. I'm not sure how much more I can take and keep my head above water. Sometimes this parenting thing really sucks.
On a more positive note, my dear friend V came in from Oklahoma today. It's great to have her here. She probably doesn't think it's that great because I took her to Son #3's first track meet this afternoon. His first and maybe my last. We stood in the freezing cold for 4 freaking hours waiting for that kid to pole vault. Until almost 9:00 p.m. Can I just say that track meets are the most boring, inefficient uses of time I've experienced in a long time?! I wanted to go smack a coach after about 2 hours. (Yes, I have issues. I'm aware of them -- no comments.)
Anyway, he finally took his pole and vaulted. He did a great job -- especially for someone who's been doing this for less than a week. I was quite proud of him. And frozen. And pooped.
My mother-in-law is about the same. Not really good but she's still here. That's something. I hope she fights to stay but would totally understand if she can't. I know that I wouldn't.
That's about it for now. Thank you, again, for your prayers and love and support.
Please keep it all coming.

Too many days to count

I have had better days.
I'm too drained to post.
Jim's mom is holding her own.

Please pray

Jim's mom went home last Wednesday and has been having problems with fluid buildup. Last night (this morning around 1:30) she started having difficulty breathing so they took her by ambulance to the hospital. This afternoon she crashed and was unresponsive. They resuscitated her, put her on a respirator and put her in ICU. She's tired of fighting and it does not look good.
Please pray for her and for the family.

Pride, love and despair

I am back from college. I must say that you all did a good job discussing the topic of hair color. I'm quite proud of you -- even the weenies who went with anonymous!
And thank you for all of your supportive and loving comments. I never intended to color my hair again --- just wanted to see what people honestly thought. And I did like the comment from M --- yes, it might make me look a few years younger, but big whoop. It's not worth the headache and I do think I've earned every single grey hair. And, it's also a "gift" from my grandfather and I like that. Premature grey -- who would think it's a gift? My biggest problem with it was that I didn't want to look older than Jim. That is now a moot point. In a few months I'll actually be older than Jim --- and boy, am I going to be p***ed when I turn 50 and he never did.
So the girls were wonderful in the big show at college. Daughter #3 had a solo and Daughter #2 sang back up on one number. Yes, I am biased but they were awesome. I was so proud. And so sad. It was one of those times when the sadness physically slammed into me. Right before the curtain went up on their act my heart started palpitating and I felt an overwhelming despair. It was also one of those times when I really couldn't believe Jim wasn't there with me .... and never will be again.
But then the singing started and my girls lit up. I have the most awesome kids.
And they are beautiful -- if I do say so myself. Inside and out.


Oh, and my mom sent me another t-shirt:

Thanks, Mom. :)
So, all in all, a great, yet sad weekend. Thank you to my wonderful friends who went with me. And were proud right along with me.
And so was Jim.

A Poll

OK, I have a question that requires an honest answer. For those of you too chicken to be honest in public, feel free to sign as "anonymous". This will keep you busy while I'm at college.
Yesterday the lady who does my nails told me that I should color my hair. "Your hair does not match your face. Your face is young." After being speechless for a moment ---
Me: "Several people have told me that they like my hair color and that it's pretty."
Her: "They lied."

So there you go. I'm taking a poll. Ask your husbands/wives but give an honest answer. For those of you who haven't seen me in a few years you get to sit back and enjoy the poll.
Here's the question: (and I'm going to avoid the most obvious one --- have you lied to me about liking my hair?!): How many of you think the grey makes me look old and I should color it?
At the moment the thought of coloring it exhausts me because I'd have to do something every 2 weeks. Please, I can barely remember to feed the kitten. The kids are totally on their own.
OK, time to 'Barack the Vote' (and please don't post any comments or e-mails asking if that's my political endorsement!).
Discuss.

A long week

Here I sit, once again shaking my head in disbelief at another TV show I never thought I'd watch --- "Family Guy". Son #2 is hee- hawing his head off (as does Son #1 when he watches it). I don't think I've ever seen a full episode. I must be missing something in my brain because I -- just -- don't -- get -- it. Not at all. There has got to be some secret signal that only the male mind can hear emitting from the TV. Or only a body with tons of testosterone.
Tomorrow we go see Daughters #2 & #3 and listen to them sing. I can't wait to see them.
Son #1 has reported that Jovie (a.k.a."Thank God it's not a Tattoo") has been doing wonderfully since she left. She's quite happy to be an "only " kitten. Too bad I'm taking Colbie with us. Jovie better get over herself before spring break.
Daughter #1 asked if this was what it was like when we brought Daughters #2 & #3 home. I said, "Pretty much". :)
Oh, and the "don't stand in my way when I've made up my mind" comment refers to the speed at which I act once a decision has been reached. Jim & I were at opposite ends of the pole in that way. I could, and often would, make up my mind about something quickly and then want to move on it and go on to the next thing. He could ponder something for months before making a decision. In the early years of our marriage we sometimes drove each other nuts. And then we adjusted and learned from each other. I'm sure I learned much more from him.
I miss him. So. Much.
Thank you to my friends for today. For the movie. For the time. For the dinner. For the e-mails. For the cards. For the comments. For the delivery. For sitting with me tonight.
How do people go through something like this without friends like mine? I couldn't. No way.
If there's not a post tomorrow don't worry --- I'm hanging out at college.

Scarred for life

I'm tired of being sad. This has been a down week. Not that I've had an "up" week since mid-December, but I've felt better. I'm not surprised or upset that this week has been sad. I've come to expect the unexpected. For someone who likes a little control and a little planning -- the unexpected is getting really old.
Colbie is doing well and slept through the night with me. She's a great cuddler. Jovie still hates my guts but she's on her way home tonight. Son #1 and # 3 are going to visit Daughter #2 & #3's campus. Son #1 has an appointment with the head of the accounting department tomorrow. Son #2 is going with me, Daughter #1 and 3 friends this weekend.
Speaking of Son #2, he decided to back on ADD meds last night. He was on them for a couple of years about 2 or 3 years ago. I'm not sure what the outcome was, or will be, but I made the appointment for today, took him in and got the meds. Don't stand in my way when I've made up my mind about something (or go along with someone who has). This is his decision and I hope that it helps him to focus on studying and in class. We shall see.
Speaking again of Son #2, I promised some humor concerning him. As I mentioned earlier, he went to a youth "sex talk" weekend and came home "scarred for life". This was the ensuing conversation:
Son #2: "I have been scarred for life!"
Me: "What? What happened?"
Son 2: "This guy told us that married people have sex on the average of two to three times a week."
Me: "Really?" --- and I need to add that this was asked with a totally straight face. However, there were about 3 other women in the house listening to this and their faces were not so straight.
Son #2: "Yes. He said that after dads read bedtime stories to their kids, they go downstairs and doing something completely different at night."
Me: "Really?" --- again, although with difficulty, asked with a straight face.
Son #2: "Yeah. So every night when Dad was reading us a bedtime story he was then going downstairs to have sex with you?!"
Me: "Son #2, we didn't just have sex at night."
Son #2: "GROSS!!! GAG!!!!"
Me: ---- well, I didn't have to say anything -- I just smiled and watched.

About a day later this conversation occurred:

Son #2: "OK, I've been thinking about this two to three times a week sex thing."
Me: "Yes?"
Son #2: "Yeah. And here's what I think --- I think there's no way you and Dad had sex two to three times a week!"
Me: "Really?"
Son #2: "Yeah. There's no way cuz he was way too tired to do that."
Me: "Son #2, why do you think he was so tired?"
Son #2: "GROSS!!!!! GAG!!!!!!!!!"
Me: nothing but a smile

About another day later here's what happened:

I'm sitting in the family room, minding my own business, when Son #2 comes downstairs and stands in front of me, hands on hips:
Son #2: "OK, I have a question."
Me: "OK?", asked with a bit of trepidation and a bit of pleasure at the thought of embarrassing him.
Son #2: "Yeah. OK, here goes. Did you and Dad have sex on that couch?", pointing to the one upon which I was sitting.
Me: "That would be a bit public, don't you think?"
Son #2: "OK. What about the game room couch?"
Me: "Again, hello! A bit too public!."
Son #2: He stood there for a moment with a look of consternation on his face. And then, very much like the "stirrup experience", a thought dawned upon him and worked it's way from the top of his head down to his toes. His face contorted with horror ---- horrific horror ----
"THE STUDY?!!!!!"
Me: nothing, but a smile ---- a very Cheshire-like smile.
Son #2: "GROSS!!! GAG!!!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!!! I'll never sit on that couch again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Funny, but he hasn't asked a single question since that day.

Every now and then, he makes my day worthwhile.

3 in one day

OK, so does this make up for no post yesterday?
The kitten is a female and she's grey with some stripes. Right now we're going with the name Colby/Colbie, not sure of the spelling yet. Someone (JT) suggested Jolie, so we're considering that, too. She is very calm and very cuddly. Jovie hates her and seems to now hate me. It's a good thing she's going home tomorrow.
Today I spent an hour on the phone with Social Security. Did you know that you have to push "1" to speak English to someone in our government?! And that you have to make an appointment to talk to someone on the phone? Yep. The woman was very nice -- I'd hate to have that job -- calling people to start "death benefits". What a curious and totally asinine phrase --- like there can be any benefit to someone's death. It was a bit surreal, though you'd think I'd be used to the surreal by now. No, not yet. I'm guessing I'll never get used to it.
This week has been difficult. I seem to be in some kind of limbo. I've had an off tennis week so that's frustrating. And I've had some doubts about working. I love working at our church and would hate to leave the people that I work with. In fact, I think that would be a totally bad idea. But I don't seem to know what I should be doing and I don't like the thought of people having expectations of me -- especially when I'd rather just stay in bed some mornings. But I have yet to do that. Hopefully it's just "one of those" weeks.
The local paper had an article about the school board elections today. So far there are 2 people running for Jim's position. That is very, very difficult and seems so wrong. He should be there. He should be leading this board and continuing to do the fantastic job that he did. He was only 6 months into his second term. And he was the president. He had so much more to do and so many children to help.
Maybe I should avoid the paper.
One step forward, 5 steps back.
I'm tired of the back.

The new addition

Well, this is the new kitten. The "old" kitten is non too happy. She's a hissing-maniac. The new one is too cute! And very cuddly.
I'm not sure what to name her. A couple of ideas are Colbie and Jazz. I'll be taking suggestions.
On other topics -- this is the song that I heard when I got into my car this morning:

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

Chorus:
I'll praise You in this storm
And i will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth


I've heard it before but never really "heard" it until today. I think Casting Crowns wrote it for me.
Even though the past 2 days were not great, I did have 3 great friends over with me last night and they made me laugh. A lot.
I love my friends.

He makes me smile

The past 2 days have been tough. I don't know why -- they just have. The cloud just settles in and around and there I am. Wherever I go, whatever I do. I feel like Pigpen from "Peanuts".
Son #2 said that I should "get over it and get on with my life. Death happens and that's what life's about. You shouldn't be sad and depressed." I was a bit stunned but at least I didn't take him out. Part of me envies him. I wish I had the choice to not be sad and depressed.
One thing is certain to make me smile -- George Clooney. I can't help that, either. I see a picture of the man and I automatically smile. It's an involuntary reaction. I bought this week's TV Guide (I never buy TV Guide) solely because his beautiful face was smiling at me in the check out line. If I could meet him I'd just want to sit next to him and look at him. That's all. No talking, no touching -- just looking at his face. Yes, I know it's a bit stalkerish but what can I do? I'd love to watch him drink coffee, drive a car, read the paper ... whatever. I guess that beautiful face just does something to the muscles in my face. Well, that villa in Italy doesn't hurt, either.

Two months

So it's the 18th. Part of me feels like the last two months have really been at least 50 years. And part feels like it was yesterday.
Oh, and a clarification: for everyone who's asked "How are you?" --- I KNOW that you meant it and that you really want to know. I should have said that you shouldn't ask that within the first month, or at the very least, 3 weeks.
I also know that every single person (ummmm, with the exception of maybe one) has said things out of love and concern and caring. That was not what the list was about. It was about letting people know what helps and what doesn't. Just in case you ever have to go through this again (but I really hope you don't).
I'm not in the mood to post much. I wish I could report good news from the 9th grade, but I can't. Oh well.
We sang this song yesterday in church and then I heard it first thing this morning. It's a very, very difficult song to sing, but it says a lot.

Blessed Be Your Name

- - -
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

I'm still waiting for the sun to shine down on me and for the world to be all as it should be.
I know the sun will shine again but I think I'll be waiting for that second part until the day I die.

I am blessed

OK, get in some comfy clothes, grab a glass of wine (unless YOU'RE one of the ones who think I need an intervention) and be prepared to sit for quite a while.
First, I need to brag a teeny bit. Son #3 made it as a pole vaulter onto the track team. He's very proud (I'm trying to figure out a way to make him wear a helmet -- which horrifies him).
Second, on Daughter #1's acceptance into Harvard --- they only took 4 people. Awesome.
OK, on to why I am blessed.
1. I have a God who's love is so big he sent His son to die for me. I have grace.
2. I experienced more love in 27 years than many women have in a lifetime. Jim gave me a lifetime supply of love and it will last.
3. I have an amazing eldest daughter. She's smart and beautiful and sensitive and deep. She is dry and witty and passionate. She is very proud of being so very much like Jim now and yet she has no idea how very much like me she is (nor does she want to know!).
4. I have an awesomely unique daughter #2. She is, and always has been, her very own person --in spite of being an identical twin. Just having that experience was a huge blessing all by itself. She, too, is sensitive and funny and passionate and beautiful. And not afraid to be who God created her to be. And she loves Africa -- more than anyone knows.
5. I have a loving and fabulous and beautiful daughter #3. She loves God and knows without a doubt that she is a daughter of the King and she lives it. She is passionate about people and that is a gift.
6. I have an eldest son who did not far fall from the tree. In fact, he just rolled down the trunk and sat on a root. I truthfully don't know what I would have done "before" and "after" without him. He has the best sense of humor of anyone I know. He can truly laugh with others and at himself. Also, a gift.
7. I have a sensitive and loving Son #2, who has a huge heart and loves children and cares for people deeply. He is still finding himself and trying to be so very different from the rest of us. The funny thing is, he isn't so different at all and I hope one day he's comfortable with that. He loves me a lot.
8. I have a a wonderful Son #3 who is truly a gift from God. He's smart and loving and fun. He sometimes stays in the shadows but never complains. He has been special to me since the day he was born.
9. I have parents who have always loved and supported me. They did the best job that they could and, as a parent, I know that is huge.
10. I had an extra set of parents who also loved me and were there for me if I needed them, even though they lived far away. Even if I wasn't very loving.
11. I have siblings who would do anything for me. And visa versa.
12. I have the most amazing friends on the face of the earth. All over the earth (and on that note: some of you have mentioned that you wonder about coming to see me, but that you are not in my "circle" of friends. Here's what I've always thought to be true but now in the "after" know without a doubt: if God puts someone on your heart or mind, call them. Or send a card or drop by for a visit. Do not hesitate. My "circle" had grown much bigger and a person can never have too many friends. If you're thinking about me I want to know it and I want you to sit with me, if you can. Just sit. And maybe (probably) laugh. Please.)
13. I have a church family who means more to me than they could possibly know.
14. I get to "work" with people I love and who love me. Deeply.
15. My children are healthy and intelligent and love God.
16. My children had the most amazing father.
17. My children know what true love is. They know that marriage can be difficult sometimes but amazingly wonderful most of the time. They know that "till death do us part" is an oath before God and is very possible. And they know that sometimes even death doesn't part.
18. I have in-laws who have loved my like their very own daughter/sister.
19. The "black" is getting lighter.
20. I get to play tennis.
21. I don't have to shovel snow.
22. I am loved -- by too many people to count.
23. I am my Grandmother's "favorite" (or so she says --- she probably says that to all of us, as I do to my children. Shhhh).
24. I have a husband who loved to take care of me and did an amazing job. He is still doing an amazing job.
25. My husband loved God and me and his children more than anything.
26. My husband showed my children how important it is to do your best -- in your family, in your job and in your community.
27. God let me go to Kenya.
28. Jim never failed to support me in whatever I did. Even when he didn't want to.
29. I still don't have to cook dinner (and even though the "calendar" ends at the end of February I have people telling me they'd like to continue doing this. You can do it for as long as you'd like. Please.).
and .... even though it doesn't always seem like a blessing -----
30. I'm still here.

Things I/We Didn't/Don't Need to Hear

OK, buckle your seat belts. And please, please, please remember -- I have no memory of who said what. Please don't put that onto me or yourselves. This is not to make ANYONE feel badly. It's just what I've learned and have been told to pass on. I think most of us are doing this for the first time. And like parenting, we don't always get it right the first time.
And, like parenting, this is done in love.

1. This is the most important item and I cannot stress it enough: "I understand." or "I know what you're going through."
No. You. Don't.
You can't. The loss you have suffered is yours and yours alone. It's interesting but every single widow who spoke to me never, ever said those words. My relationship was unique and mine. No one else can possibly understand the depth of pain and despair that I feel.
This brings me to #2 -- which is from my children.
2. "I lost my father, too." Not only does it not help because every relationship is unique, but it also turns the attention to YOU. When you're shaking a mourner's hand at a funeral or a visitation and you say, "I lost my father, too", or "I lost my _______(fill in the blank") then the mourner feels compelled to say, "Oh, I'm so sorry." and the whole reason for the event is lost. Bad, bad, bad idea.
3. "God has a plan." REALLY??? Because at that moment in time, I didn't give a damn. And neither did my children. The plan, whatever it was, sucked.
4. "God must've needed Jim for work in Heaven." Again, REALLY????? I don't think so -- God seemed to be doing quite alright on His own. WE needed Jim here. We STILL need Jim here.
5. "At least he's no longer suffering." Let's get this straight -- Jim wasn't suffering -- at least not until 4:00 a.m. on December 17th. And then he got meds and felt quite relaxed. He would have rather suffered some more and stayed here. And I'm sorry, but being the selfish person that I am, I would have rather had him suffer more and still be here.
6. "This has made me appreciate my dad more." Yes, someone said that to one of the kids.
7. "Merry Christmas."
8. "How was the cruise?" I'm sorry, what?! It sucked. Although that's not we said. We said, "It was O.K."
9. "Call me." This also goes along with "Call me if you need anything." People who are grieving don't usually call. They are just trying to breathe. And they don't know what they need, other than the loved one who is gone. Don't ask me to call. Call me. Come sit with me. Just sit.
10. "How are you?" You really don't want to know, so try not to ask.
11. Also from the kids, "Your dad lovED you very much." They know that he STILL loves them very much.
12. This is one that I really struggled with but I think everyone wants me to be open and very honest here. So here it is:
Try very, very hard to not write a Bible verse on a card. As one of my daughters said, "If you're not a Christian then you look at the card and think 'why the hell would someone write that to me?!' and if you are a Christian you think, 'Why the hell would someone write that to me --- I already know that." The first days are not the time to be reminded of God's love because it doesn't feel like He's very loving.
13. "Hang in there."
14. "This is going to be a very difficult Christmas for you." You think?!!!
15. "What can I do for you?" This goes along with #9. Again, I can't think past the fog in my brain and the pain wracking my body, heart and soul. I have no idea what you can do. This is where the "just sit" comes in. Jewish people "sit shiva" when someone is grieving. They go to their house and just sit. They talk if the griever feels like talking. They don't if she/he doesn't. The important thing is, they are there. Very important.
16. This has also been a difficult one to include but here it is:
"God never gives you more than you can handle." To that I say B.S. I don't agree with that - at - all. God gives us a whole lot of crap that we can't handle. Trust me. And I don't agree with that theology. I read that verse as saying "God won't TEMPT you beyond what you can bear. And when you are TEMPTED He will provide a way out'." The only temptation that I had was the desire to off myself in the early days. But God did give me the loss of Jim -- and it's way more than I can handle. Just because I'm alive doesn't mean I'm handling it. Try to never, ever, ever say that to someone who's lost someone. Ever.
17. "You're young .. you can find love again." There are no words for that one. None.
18. "Trust in God." - when someone gets knocked to the ground by God, there's going to be a trust-issue. Trust me.
19. No one has asked me this directly but I guess some people have worried that I'm on meds and that I joke around about alcohol. Really?! Because even if I were drunk &/or higher than a kite most days --- could you blame me?! And to put everyone's mind at rest (or not -- think what you want to think) - I doubt that I could play tennis, work, write in a blog, or converse with my children if I were drinking every day or taking more than an anti-depressant and a sleeping aid every day (which are both prescribed by my doctor). So I'm not overly depressed and I sleep at night. Find someone else to worry about.
20. And the coup de grace, the ultimate thing I didn't need to hear and the only one I have vividly in my mind and know exactly who said: 'I am the reason Jim was successful. Let me handle your money. You owe me.' --- or something to that effect.

Now, to end on a positive note:

The Things I/We Needed/Need to Hear

1. "There are no words."
2. "You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers."
3. "I am so angry at God."
4. "This sucks."
5. "I love you."
6. "My heart aches for you."
7. "I'm sorry that I never got to know/meet him because he sounds like an incredible man."
8. Any time someone shares a memory of Jim.
9. "Can I come over?"
10. Any time a man cried in front of us. It sounds strange, but we need to know how much Jim meant -- especially to men.

Get yourselves ready ....

I thought about calling this post "Gird Your Loins" but some of you seem to shy away from any reference to loins. Some day I'll post about Son #2's youth retreat a few weeks ago, entitled "Man of God, Woman of God" or something like that (it was a "sex talk" weekend-- well, I'm sure it wasn't just about sex). He came home, dropped his sleeping bag on the floor and declared, "I have been scarred for life!." The ensuing conversations have been hilarious (not so much for him).
Anyway, I didn't plan to post much tonight -- it's late and I'm tired. But I have decided to write tomorrow about the things I didn't need to hear. Hopefully most of you are sound asleep by now and won't toss and turn all night, hoping your words didn't make the list. Stop worrying.
Also, I am trying to convince myself that it won't be the end of the world if Son #2 does not graduate. I think I'm succeeding. It helps to hear stories about kids like him who have done just fine after having a terrible high school experience, so thank you to all of you who have shared your heartache. He's a good kid. He has a huge heart and is a good person. His future may not be what I would dream for him, but then, neither is mine. So much for dreams.
Maybe some day he'll decide that there's an easier way to do things but he may be 40 before that happens.
Hopefully I'l live long enough to say, "I told you so."
:)

I think I get it

I think I finally understand what my brain is doing. Well, other than the fact that it's flooded with whatever floods your brain when massive shock, grief, devastation, heartbreak, etc. hits your body. Someone at the retreat asked me yesterday if it helps me to get away to someplace beautiful (we were out in the woods at a camp -- it was indeed beautiful). I said, "Not really."
You see, it's like my brain is now in 2 parts. One part is constantly thinking about Jim. And I do mean constantly. Every second of every minute of every hour that I'm awake. Every. single. one. I cannot do anything without the thought of him. Whether it's hitting a tennis ball, watching T.V., reading, listening to someone talk or preach, watching a play, watching a movie, working, talking on the phone -- you name it, he's there. I was never aware that I could multi-task "before". Now I have no choice -- it just happens.
So I think that because my brain is working on two things at once it gets way too full and can't remember one other piece of information. It's just trying to survive and it won't let go of Jim for even a nano second. So I can't remember some things I knew "before" or some things in the "after". Thankfully everyone is very patient with me and my new learning disabilities (well, mostly everyone -- Daughter #1 gets a bit impatient and probably wants to check me into a loony bin -- sorry for the political incorrectness of that phrase--well, not really but I'll say sorry anyway).
OK, I guess I'll address the big elephant in the room. Yes, it's VD. (Mom, Dawn and Michael - "VD is nothing to smile about.").
I hope that you are all appreciating your significant others -- and telling them that. I really haven't dwelled on what today is. The truth is, Jim didn't like this holiday. He always told me, "I love you 365 days a year. Why should a card company dictate that I do something on that one day?" How typically male. My loving and unselfish response was, "Because!! It's what you're supposed to do so just do it!". He didn't quite get it for the first few years of our marriage. And he heard about it for the first few years of our marriage. Then he got it. And the funny thing is, once he got it, I didn't care so much about it. How typically female of me.
He always got me something -- whether it was flowers or jewelry. The last several years he became quite adept at jewelry-buying. Quite. He was well-known and loved (?) at our local jewelry store.
And he always received a gift, but since I don't want to horrify my children TOO much, I won't tell you what he got. Needless to say, he loved giving me gifts! :)
My friends have been wonderfully sensitive today. Thank you to whoever sent the flowers yesterday telling me how much I am loved (and then didn't sign the card!). Thank you, K, for the flowers you sent today.
Thank you, RA, for the package you sent yesterday. And thank you to the Ws and the Hs for the goodies today. And to R for the wonderful treats (you should have come in!!). And to KA, whom I love very much -- just thank you. :)
I know that I have been in all of your thoughts today. And that helps me more than you know.
I miss him.
And I am blessed.

SHE GOT IN!!!!!!!

I just got home from the retreat (which was good). Got the mail, gave Daughter #1 an envelope that I didn't recognize and it was from Harvard. She's in!! I screamed --- she beamed.
So we'll see what she decides.
This is a shirt my mom made and sent to me:


Now Daughter #1 has to buy me a real Harvard shirt. YAY!!!!

I'll try to blog more later --- I need to sort the mail. Fun.

P.S. ----- Dr. M.K. ---- I lost your phone # --- what does one do for a kitten with worms (besides gag!)?

Teachers make me tired

OK, not teachers in general. Just many of Son #2's teachers. Parents are supposed to check each teacher's web site, which would be great if each teacher kept his or her web site updated. But they seldom do. And then there are those that tell everyone the next test in on Friday and then, Surprise!!!-- it's tomorrow!! It's as if everything is against that kid making progress.
He has at least 3 major tests this week, plus a memorized speech, plus all of the assignments. And no one to "make sure" he gets it done (at 15 he should be the one who makse sure). So I doubt that he will.
Although I could be wrong.
I pray that I'm wrong .... whatever that gets me.
My dad called today and said he's coming this weekend. I am very glad. I think I really need a dad right now.
I wish I could stop being an adult --- it sucks.
I used to love my life. I knew that I was blessed beyond measure. In spite of the headaches that come with certain children (who are very, very loved), I loved my life. Now, not so much.
I know that I am still blessed and one day I will write a post about that. But not today. It's enough that the knowledge is there.
Still pondering that "Things I Don't/Didn't Need to Hear" post. That seems to be causing a fair amount of stress amongst many of you. I've heard nothing but "you should definitely write it", but every single person seems to think they will have contributed to the list. The funny thing is, most everyone who fears that -- didn't, as far as I recall.
And I must tell you all that you are giving me WAY too much credit if you think I remember who said what. Way.
I don't remember who said things, I only remember some things that were said.
There will be no post tomorrow. I have a work retreat for the next 2 days. I may die of exhaustion (cross your fingers!) by Wednesday. But I think the time there will be good. I love the people I work with. I am blessed.
So I shall have to give you another topic to discuss amongst yourselves. I'm trying to stay away from politics, though that subject is very tempting.
Here we go ---
If you were stranded on a deserted island and could only have one book -- what would it be? And the Bible is a total cop-out and therefore not allowed. I'll just assume that each and every one of you would want the Bible. So, other than that -- give me a title --- and tell me why you would choose that book.
Ready?
Discuss.

The calm after the storm

This morning Son #2, #3 and I stayed home and relaxed in my bed and watched a movie. They needed some mom-time. I haven't had much to give for the past 54 days. It was nice.
Then I took them to Wal-Mart. Yee-haw.
Things were calmer today. I still don't expect a miracle and I don't know what's best anymore for Son #2, but I have no fight in me. My goals for him keep getting more and more short-term. I used to hope for college. Then I hoped for a high school diploma. Now I hope for him to pass 9th grade. And make it to 18 with both of us still alive. I'm not sure which will come first.
He may be the next Jethro. I wonder if I can sign him up for the Army at age 15?
So another week starts tomorrow. Another 7 days to get through.
One at a time.

Mom -- I got your packages and you made me smile - and laugh. W & I watched the movie. :)
I'm going to try to post a picture this week of the other item. I love you. Thanks.

53 days

"Menopause, the Musical" was very funny. We had a good time. It was a pretty calm evening for a bunch of tennis ladies. We had dinner at the beach house, went to the show and then went back to the house and sat around and talked before going to bed at midnight.
And then I came home.
And Son #2 had a melt down over the tutoring. And I had a melt down. In front of God and everybody. Then he stormed out. And I cried.
And tonight I took 5 steps back.
I. Hate. This.
I. Miss. Jim.
I. Need. Jim.
WE. Need. Jim.
And I'm back to not believing he's really isn't here.
So, back to Son #2. Plan Y --- no more tutors. He wants to be on his own. To sink or swim. I'd love to think he'll swim. But I've seen him go down too many times. I cannot trust him or God or anyone on this. But I'm too tired to fight. I guess we'll see.
Son #1 and I went to the high school musical tonight. The theatre renovation is awesome. Jim, the school board member, would have been very proud to see how it turned out. I wish he had.
I may spend tomorrow in bed.
So much for no negative posts.
I need to let go of any expectations.
Funny, I didn't think I had any.

Places where I've cried

This isn't a sad post -- it's just ..... my life. It sounds sadder than I feel at the moment (that's for my mom).
It's occurred to me over the past couple of days that there are many places where I've cried.
There are the obvious places: my bed, church (all over the church -- my office, the sanctuary, etc), my living room, the family room, the kitchen, the kids' bedrooms, etc. Oh, and a funeral home. That's a given.
Then there's my bathroom, on the floor next to my toilet. That was a bad moment. And there's the shower -- picture Glenn Close in "The Big Chill" and that's exactly how it was (well, except for that fact that she's blonde and had a better body, but other than that, exactly). The shower is a great place to cry and to cry loudly. No one can hear you.
And there's Jim's closet. I have actually only sat in there one time and cried. But it was that first week and it was horrible. I try not to spend too much time in there -- just a glance inside once in a while.
I've cried in my car (I've cried in several people's cars). That option is best used when the car is parked in the garage. People tend to stare while you're driving. And well, it's a bit hard to see through tears. People also tend to stare when you're in a parking lot. Yes, the garage is the safest place.
I've cried in movie theaters and at at two live productions.
I've cried in the woods. I've cried on the tennis courts. I've cried at the nail salon. I've cried at the grocery store and at the gas station.
I've cried in an attorney's office, an accountant's office and a banking office.
I've cried at friends' homes.
I've cried on a cruise ship. That was the most expensive place in which to cry.
I. Have. Cried.
But not today. And I don't think I cried yesterday, though I really can't remember much over an hour, so I could be wrong (which is a phrase I seem to say almost daily --- though I could be wrong).
I went to work today and then I bought some pants. My pants were really starting to look pathetic.
Tonight I bought a plane ticket for my sorority reunion (there had better be a lot of my friends there!).
Tomorrow I play in another tennis match across town, then I'm going with some ladies from my other team to see "Menopause, the Musical" and to stay in one of the gal's beach house. I will be back early Saturday afternoon. The house will still be full .... hopefully it will still be standing on Saturday.
So no freaking when there's not a post tomorrow.
You all did very well on the tree topic. I shall give you another topic to discuss while I'm gone and I expect you to do another good job (and by the way, Michael only wants to be a pool cue tree so that he can hit Dawn. Evidently I missed an "episode" while I was in college. Somebody chased someone else around a pool table with the cue stick raised as a weapon. Too bad we didn't have video then.)
Here's the topic: where would your dream vacation be (I need some ideas).
Ready?
Discuss amongst yourselves.
:)

Too pooped to post

Sorry, but this post will be short and uninspirational (not sure if that's even a word).
I am so tired of feeling drained and exhausted all of the time. I feel like such a baby! Here's what I did today: went to tennis drills and then to a movie. Got home around 5:00 and felt like I could barely hold my head up. I am struggling to stay awake until at least 10:00.
Thank you, MK, for coming over to give Jovie her booster shot. She's been very exhausted and cuddly tonight.
Son #2 is being worked into the pulminolgist's schedule in the next couple of weeks.
Jim's mom seems to be doing well, though she's struggling to not be depressed. She wants to go home but she needs to be stronger before that can happen. I told her to work hard so that she can get out of there sooner.
OK, that's all I can come up with.
You can talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic: what kind of tree would YOU be (since that was already asked of me).
Discuss.

This is my life.

I no longer think those words with a question mark behind them. Now it's a period. Period.
It doesn't make the future any brighter, trust me -- it just is. I guess that means some of the shock has worn off. Not the pain or the emptiness, but most of the shock ... I think. I've never done this before so I have no idea really, I'm just guessing.
One thing that I've learned is just how physical grief is. I still feel exhausted most of the time. By 2:00 in the afternoon I feel like I could go to bed for the night. Sometimes I wish I could. That, however, would be the end of any semblance of order around here and the beginning of chaos and a coup (with looting and pillaging not far behind). It would be very, very ugly since all three boys would try to usurp the others for power.
So, I don't take naps.
OK, I also don't take naps because I only go to bed when I'm ready to pass out. I don't like to be alone with my thoughts, especially at night.
And my stomach hurts all of the time. Every day since December 17th. The sight and thought of food still makes me nauseous sometimes, though not as much as a few weeks ago. It seems to come and go. For some reason it's been a little worse for the last two days. Maybe it's an allergic reaction to "Thank God it's not a Tattoo". Strangely enough I do like having her around. It was nice to come in from work today and know that she's here, waiting to be held. And she sleeps in my bed --- which would have NEVER happened in the "before". Not only would Jim have never gone along with that, neither would the "before Janine". She would have gagged at the thought of an animal in her bed. I hope she doesn't notice. :)
On a positive note (because I refuse to end another post(or at least another post for now) on a negative note, I do feel that I am doing better emotionally. I don't cry as much -- in fact, I have gone through an entire 24 hours without crying (though probably not 25 and not in the last 24 but still.....).
I don't feel that overwhelming blackness anymore. The future still looks black but I don't feel the physical presence of that color in the present.
Did you know you could physically feel colors? Neither did I -- before.
OK, add that to my two distinct personalities and it looks like I need serious psycho-therapy.
I think I'll pet the cat.

The "before" me

Daughter #1 came home from Boston today. She's wiped out. She thought the interview went well, so that's good. And she liked it up there, in spite of the cold. Now she waits for other schools and for a response from Harvard. That will probably be a while.
Today I played my first official match in the "after". It was a great match, and though M & I played well, we lost. I was (and am) drained. And I cried after it was over. Not because we lost (I hope I'm not that much of a poor sport) but because it was another "first". My first match without Jim. My first Monday to not have him call and ask, "How was your match?". "Firsts" should be good things, don't you think? I used to.

The "before Janine" has shown up a few times. She pokes her head in once in a while, but she doesn't stay long. I now really see myself as two distinct people. Maybe I should have that checked out. Anyway, I hurt for the "before" me. I miss her (and everything else from "before"). I don't think she'll ever totally be back. Parts of her, yes, but not the entire person. She lost too much.
And I will never be the same. I may be better in some ways, some day, but never the same. Not only did I lose Jim but I lost my belief about prayer. I feel disillusioned, to put it mildly.

On a strangely positive note, I found out something that has relieved me, greatly.
I found out from another cardiac surgeon that all of the time Jim laid in the hospital that day (after he was life-flighted) didn't matter. Jim never had a snowball's chance in hell of surviving (unless of course God performed a miracle, which He declined). Most people with an aortic dissection like his don't survive to get to a hospital. I am relieved.
And now I consider the time he had that day as time that God gave to me and the kids, and him.
And I am grateful.

What I no longer believe

The girls went back to school today. They left Jovie behind for me. It's a test run. So far she and I have been snoozing on the couch all day. She's a good snoozing companion.
I'm still considering the "Things I don't need to hear" post. I'm getting input from the kids, too. We'll see what happens.

So here's what I no longer believe: I don't believe that prayer changes things. This has been a topic of discussion several times this week, with friends and with the girls. It seems that several people no longer believe this. I could say that I don't believe in the "power of prayer", but I don't think that's true. I just don't think it changes things. It can change people but I don't believe it changes events. If it did then Jim would still be alive.
I know that there were hundreds, if not thousands, of people praying for Jim to live on December 17th and into the 18th. I know that there were prayer warriors beating on the doors of heaven. Some were beating until their fists were bloody. I was begging. I begged God like I've never begged before (and I've literally been on the floor with my face to the ground for Son #2).
And Jim died.
So now I can't pray for events to change, for God to do or not do something, or for something to happen -- or not happen. Now I believe that God will do whatever He wants/plans to do and my begging and crying and pleading won't change that.
So I pray for people. For God to comfort, love and strengthen people.
I believe that my prayers are for my relationship with God. When we pray we grow closer to God. We don't change His mind.
Obviously.

Something I never thought of .....

OK, everyone talks about how honest I am on here ........ buckle your seat belts.
And this is for any of my children who might be reading this ...... WARNING: Do NOT read any further or your eyes will bleed and your mind will be scarred forever!!
If you're still reading this then you can't blame me. You have been warned.
Something occurred to me today .... for the first time. What am I going to do with all of my pretty "nightgowns" and lingerie? I have a quite a few. Sometimes when I'd go on a "girls weekend" or a trip I'd buy a pretty (and by pretty I mean sexy--well, it looked sexy on the hanger) nightgown as a present for Jim. He usually appreciated that more than something I bought last-minute at the airport. And let's face it -- women never buy these things for themselves (while husbands totally buy them for themselves!).
Anyway, I thought about that for the first time today. Guess someone at Goodwill will be pleasantly surprised.
The grieving mind is a very erratic.

Daughter #1 made it to Boston. I hope she has a blast.
Daughters #2 & #3 came home yesterday, along with "Thank God it's Not a Tattoo". It's been wonderful to have them here. They have to go back in the morning (#1 comes home Monday). I love their presence.
I'm considering getting a kitten/cat. I'm losing my mind.
Speaking of losing one's mind -- the girls went nuts with the mac cam:




















Son #2 made his theatrical debut tonight at our annual high school dinner theatre. He did a good job. And more importantly, he had fun.
I love to see my kids have fun. It's been a while.
And thank you Rebecca .... and please don't take my morons', dang!---SONS' cluelessness personally. I guess I can compare their brains to mine at the moment --- which would really be bad for them.
Actually, if my sons ever get wind of the fact that my memory is gone and my brain is fried ...... I will lose any semblance of control. Totally.
And thank you again A.C. for the awesome Bloody Marys. It is truly a gift and I'm so glad that you share it with me. :)
I love my kids.
And I love my friends.
You all help me get through each day. So much more than you know.
So much.

I have one question .....

..... who brought over the decadent chocolate chip coconut bars yesterday? I'm sorry, but I have morons ..... ummmm, I mean, teenage boys, living here and they have no idea who anyone is. All they know is that "women" keep bringing food. So I have no idea who brought these but Oh. My. Gosh. they are good.
So thank you, whoever you are.

What I need to hear

Yesterday I watched a program that I had recorded last spring (yes, it's taken close to a year for me to watch a program I recorded. Go figure).
It was about Billy Graham. I think it was entitled "The Preacher and the Presidents" (it's also a book). It had several interviews with each living president and each living spouse (as opposed to all of the dead ones? OK, that was stupid -- of course they're living. Oh well.).
They talked about the "tough questions" each had asked Rev. Graham at some point in their lives. Nancy Reagan was interviewed. When asked what Rev. Graham had helped her with most, she said it was after the death of her husband. She asked Rev. Graham, "Will I see Ronnie in heaven?". And he said, "Yes. Most definitely yes." She was asked why she felt so certain now that she would see him in heaven and she said, "Because BIlly said so."
That is what I needed to hear. I desperately need to know that Jim is waiting for me. That on the wonderful day when I leave this life (at the moment this hell-on-earth) he will be the first person I see and that he'll walk me straight to Jesus.
If you have a differing opinion/view, do me a favor and don't tell me.
That's what I need to hear.

I'm debating on doing a post entitled, "What I don't need to hear", but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by telling them what not to say (or what should not have been said). I know that every word has been well-intentioned and said with love, but there are certain things I don't want/need to hear.
Hopefully I'll remember this if I ever meet someone in my situation.