A great kid

This is from 1991 -- Jim and Son #1, not long after he learned to walk (Son #1, not Jim).

Speaking of Son #1, I haven't told you how awesome he is in a while. I told the kids that I'd like my car washed, the house power washed, and our screened porch cleaned out for Mother's Day. I came home yesterday afternoon to an unlocked garage door and a door on the screened porch laying on the ground. It looked like someone had broken into the house. Before I started to panic I took a closer look. The door had not been broken down, it had been taken down with screw drivers, which were laying beside it. Son #1's car was gone so I assumed he had gone off to the hardware store to get whatever he needed to get to do whatever it was that he was doing. And indeed, that's what he was doing. He was re-screening the door. Then he put it back on. Then he got out the power washer and cleaned out the porch and everything in it. If you live in this area of the country you know that each spring we get a lovely coating of a yellow pollen-ish substance on anything that stands still outside. It's disgusting.

My screened porch is now quite nice and clean and a lovely place to sit and read a book.

He really is a great kid.

They are all great kids, overall. I need to keep that in mind when one of them makes me so frustrated and sad that I want to completely give up --- on everything. That's been happening a lot lately. I'm tired. I want to quit. I want to sell the house and move away (I hear Australia's a nice place to live)--- or just throw in the towel.

Maybe I should go get my meds upped.

Or maybe I should just go out for margaritas more often.

Last night I thought of something funny one of the boys had done that I needed to add to the blog. Now I can't remember what it was. Or maybe I just dreamed about it. Dang! I'm going to have to keep that one under my hat.

I see an ice floe in my future.

Identity theft

This is Jim with Daughters #2 & #3 (you can barely see one standing behind the other). They were about 2. I think the top picture is Daughter #2 and the bottom picture if Daughter #3, but don't hold me to it. Yes, I am a horrible mother because sometimes I can't tell which twin is which in pictures. They will definitely add it to their books.

Well, today was a mentally epic day. I went to work (obviously, from the post below), then I went to the therapist and tonight I went to a grief support group. I should be SO mentally healthy now! All I am is mentally drained. I'm not sure why I went to the support group. My therapist mentioned it today and it happens to meet on Tuesdays so I thought, "What the heck? It can't hurt." I didn't want to go. I almost didn't go. But I got in the car and drove to it. As I walked in I still didn't want to be there. It lasted for an hour and a half and I never really wanted to be there. But then, I'm sure no one else did the first few times they went, either.

Most of the people were older than I am. There was one woman who seemed to be about the same age and her husband died a month after Jim did -- after 22 years of marriage. She didn't stay around for conversation so I don't know anything about her. I'll probably try it again. They ask that you try it 3 times before you give up. I wonder how many people give up? Or don't go at all.

I did learn two things today. First, "grief" lasts for 18 months to 2 years. And second, the 2nd year can almost seem harder than the first --- in different ways. Too bad that most people think that the "one year mark" is some magic kind of number and expect you to be "over" it by then.

I don't expect I'll be "over" it.

I also learned that I need to tell people that it's good for you to say his name. Jim. It's good for you to share memories with me. Too many people don't say the names of people who have died. We tend to give more validation to someone who's had identity theft financially, than to someone who's had identity theft by death. That's how the facilitator described it: identity theft. It's very descriptive. I've been robbed. I used to be Jim's wife. And now I'm not. I used to be married. And now I'm not. I used to be a couple. And now ..... you get the idea.

The only difference is, I can't find who's responsible and have him prosecuted.

To end on a positive note: Daughters #2 & #3 won "Best Legs" in their sorority tonight!!! The family tradition continues!! Way to go girls!!!!

Another song

I have no picture for this post because I am at work at the moment (how do I put this on my time sheet, co-workers?!).
I heard this song this morning on the way to work. It spoke to me and for me.


You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
- Mercy Me

Life is messy

This is, yet again, Jim with Son #1. Having our first son was a lot like having a first child -- tons of pictures. And yet again, one of my many, many favorites.

I have heard it said that if you just pray for God to be in control of your life, and then are willing to accept whatever He wills, things will be just fine.

REALLY?!! You really think so? Some people make Christianity sound so easy and simple .... so neat and tidy. Well, I beg to differ. And I should know. When Christians make such trite (though well-meaning, I'm sure) statements, I want to ask "Really?! What the hell has ever happened in your life that would give you the experience to say that?" Because I think I can guarantee you that anyone who has had their life turned completely upside down, anyone who has had their life ripped out from underneath them, anyone who has been knocked to the ground --- no, knocked into a huge, bottomless pit, will never say something like that.

There is nothing neat and tidy about life or about following Christ. And just because we daily TRY (I say "try" because if you've managed to succeed at this then you should definitely write a book to help out the rest of us) to turn everything over to God doesn't mean that everything will turn out "fine". Sometimes you can turn things over and still end up in a pit.

I used to think otherwise .... "before". I thought my life was neat and tidy. It seemed to be, mostly (as neat and tidy as it can by with 6 kids). So I have probably said those trite things. And if any one of you have ever been on the receiving end of those words ...... I'm very sorry.

I didn't know what I was talking about.

I know that I have had a very blessed life ..... "before" and "after". I know that I am still being blessed. Jim was a wonderful husband, father and provider. He did a great job. There are many women in my shoes who aren't as well provided for. I thank God and Jim for that every day. I did lose my best friend and soul-mate and heart, but things could be so, so much worse.

I say this so that you will know that I do see that side of my life. It isn't always as dark as it once was. Not always.

I'm not sure why I wrote this post (heck, I'm mostly never sure why I write anything!). I guess it's just to say, please be careful when you speak. Especially when giving your views on God and life and "why".

Sometimes we will never, ever know why.

Feeling blank

This is another picture of Jim and Son #1 in 1992. Another of my favorites. I guess most of them are my favorites.

I'm tired tonight and don't have anything so say.

So I won't.

But hey, at least you got a picture!

Sailing

This is Jim with Son #1 when he was 2 (1992). I love it. Totally.

I thought I'd share something that a couple of dear people shared with me. I was talking with my friend/pastor/boss on Tuesday. Tuesday was a big crying day.

He told me that when he had talked to me at our meeting Sunday night he got a mental picture of a sailboat. I'm in that sailboat. My sails are limp and there is no wind. I'm in the "doldrums" and sometimes there's no wind for days. And there's nothing I can do about it because I have no control over the wind. Sometimes my boat sails up to another boat and I spend some time next to a friend in that boat. But sometimes I spend only a minute or two and then my boat sails away. Each one of my friends wishes they could reach over and take control of the rudder for me. But they can't. Even though I also want them to. My boat just sails, sometimes under a lot of wind, many times not.

I thought this was a wonderful description of my life at the moment. I shared this with M and she agreed. Then she sent me an addition to that description:

"I’ve been thinking about the sail boat analogy you told me yesterday. I really liked that. I know so many of us wish there is more we could do. I started thinking about the America’s Cup sailing competition. Each yacht has a support team of vessels that sail with it each with a different purpose. The utility boat caries spare supplies, the chase boat takes things back and forth as needed, the weather boat tries to foresee rough waters, and a tender stands by in case a tow is needed. I wish I could find a picture of that to send you. And, of course, there are always a ton of people on land cheering! There are so many people around you that love you and are sailing along beside you each with a different talent and ability to help you. And above it all is a God that will watch over us. So when you’re down visualize all those boats around you."

So thank you to all of you in my many, many support boats. And thank you to the rest of you who are cheering me on -- whether you know me or not.

I would have sunk without you.

I am my own grandma

This is from our trip to Europe in 1988. I'm sure you can't tell which one is Jim by the hugely obtrusive video camera. The other is his brother, who actually lived in London so didn't need the obvious tourist gadgets. I have no idea who the happy woman in red is.

I did not get home until late last night. Very late -- well, for me anyway -- after midnight. I have discovered that 5 hours of sleep is not enough.

I have also discovered that my children are trying to become my parents. Here's what happened last night around 11:15 when my cell phone rang:

Me: "Hello."

Daughter #1: "Hello" (said in a strained voice).

Me: "What's up?"

Her: "Where ARE you?"(asked in an even more strained tone)

Me: "At Mrs. K's house."

Her: ---- pause ----- "You don't leave a note?!" (the voice is really getting strained at this point)

Me: "Ummm, I haven't been home to leave a note."

Her: "Well, your son doesn't know where you are, I don't know where you are --- you COULD leave a note!"

Me: "Ummm, sorry. This is where I am."

Her: ---- big, heavy sigh ----- "Fine. Goodbye."

I couldn't have left a note because I had no idea that I would be out that late. I had no idea how the night was going to change from my original plan. But it did and I didn't so there you go. I also didn't realize how late it actually was until she called.

And let me just point out that she doesn't feel the need to call me at 11:15 to tell me where she is.

So I'll have to call her the next time she's out.

And take the parenting button back.

P.S. This is a question for everyone who lives in my area: Do you have a cleaning person that does a great job? I am in need of someone, but it should probably be more than one person. Help!!!

Speechless

This is Jim with Son #2 when he was 2. All of our kids could swim before they were one. We lived in the pool. I'm just glad I could find a picture where the kids had on their swim suits! The boys absolutely loved swimming (and everything else) naked. I think they've finally outgrown that. Whew.

Well, the poll has left me without words. Literally. I am amazed at the number of you! And I am grateful. More than I can say. It feels wonderful to have so many people caring and praying for us .... still. And it feels wonderful to know that many of you don't even know us and you are caring and praying.

Thank you .... so, so much.

Today was better. I finally got out on the courts and played tennis. My shoulder did fairly well. We drilled with a pro, who kept telling me when to relax and rest it. Then we started to play a match. That was fine --- until it was my turn to serve. I did manage to serve a game (and win it!) but it pushed my shoulder over the edge. It became aggravated again! But not as bad as it was before. I took something for the pain as soon as it started and that helped a lot. We then stopped playing and went out for lunch and a bit of shopping. Who wouldn't have a better day?! Oh, and Mr. Fix It stopped by to look at the printer -- he fixed it!!!! Thanks for the prayers!

The boys are all out tonight -- babysitting, Bible study and Confirmation. Daughter #1 is at work. So the kittens and I are just relaxing and enjoying "Supernanny". OK, the kittens are passed out next to me so I'm the only one enjoying it. And really, "enjoying" isn't the right word. I'm always shocked at the kids and parents on this show. They want to be on national TV with this behavior? Really?!! Do they get paid? And let me just say --- I would love that job! I'd love to go to parents' homes and help them with their kids. Not that I have all of the answers, not at all --- obviously, but I think that "no-nonsense, appropriate consequences and no crap-tolerating" parenting is not practiced as much as it used to be. I'm not sure why, but it's not. Too many people want their kids to like them. What's up with that?! Sheesh!!

Parenting and parents ---- don't get me started!!

That's something that has become more difficult without Jim. We almost always agreed on discipline and parenting -- 99% of the time. We balanced each other --- we kept each other sane. I hate doing this, as well as everything else in my life, alone. Especially the really, really hard stuff. I have to admit --- once or twice I've found myself angry at him. Angry that he has left me all alone to deal with this crap. And trust me, "crap" is a nicer word than what it actually is sometimes. I know, intellectually, that it wasn't his fault. He never, ever would've chosen this for us. Never. But sometimes my heart, soul, mind and body just grow weary. And intellect goes by the wayside.

OK, enough of that. I'm going to stop now so that I can see how Jo takes the "paci" away from the disrespectful, tantrum-throwing, non-disciplined, not sleeping-on-her-own 4 year old.

Don't. Get. Me. Started!

A poll and a favor

     I think this picture is self-explanatory so I won't belittle your intelligence by explaining it.

If you don't get it then you can e-mail me and I'll keep your intelligence level a secret.  :)

     I have a favor -- through a poll.  I wasn't going to post at all tonight but I know that there are a few people who worry if I don't.  Sometimes that worry is rightly founded, other times I just don't feel like it and I don't have it in me (and I don't want to "fake" it).

But I have no idea who and how many people actually look at this thing.  I'd like you to post a comment -- you can do it anonymously if you want -- I would just like to get some sense of how many people read it and how often.  Some days it seems as if there are only one or two of you out there (can you tell it's been a difficult week or so?!).

If you can't figure out the comment portion then please send me an e-mail -- jeggerstx@gmail.com.  If you can comment, but don't want your comment posted then please just say so on the note.  I don't post all comments -- several people have written personal stuff just to me that they prefer not to go on the world-wide-web.  No problem.

So, please drop me a line, one way or another, so that I can get an idea on your numbers.  I would very much appreciate it and besides, I don't really ask all that much of you, do I?  Yes, sometimes there are those mind-numbing discussion questions, but they really don't hurt that much.  And you would make me happy.  :)

Thank you --- and one more thing (isn't there always?!) -- please pray that Son #1 can fix our new printer/fax/scanner (that we've only had since January).  We cannot function without a printer in this house and I really, really don't want to hassle with trying to find the receipt (which may never happen) and trying to take it back.  All of the colors are printing except for black.  He's tried trading out the black cartridge but nothing seems to work.  This was not a cheap printer (we've had major printing and scanning jobs here since January, as you can guess) and I really hate it when stuff like this happens.  Like it's too much to expect items to work well and for more than 4 months.  Sheesh!

Anyway, that's the request list --- a comment and a prayer.

I think you can handle it --- even if there are only two of you.

:)

Like grass

This picture is from Mother's Day 1992. Jim, Son #1 and Daughter #1. This is the year that Daughter #3 fell in love with the harp. Every Mother's Day we'd go to this club for brunch and every year she'd sit on the floor next to the harpist, mesmerized. You never know what, or who, is going to influence your child (or anyone, for that matter).

Today was better. At least I haven't cried ... yet. The boys had off from school today and even that didn't make me cry! I went shopping and ran errands with Daughter #1 and Sons #2 & 3. It was nice to spend time with them.

Then I got to spend some time with the "Bunco gals". I always enjoy that. Well, that, and CT's world-famous peach daiquiris.

And, good news: Son #1 used the grill tonight to cook some steaks and didn't start any fires, other than the one in the grill. Yay for him.

I did a devotional this morning that used Psalm 103. The two verses it focused on were 15 & 16:

15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;

16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.

At first I found these sad. I don't want Jim to be remembered "no more". I don't want me to be remembered "no more". But then I focused on the positive aspects: suffering doesn't last forever. None of the negative stuff we go through in this life will last forever. One day I'll be fabulously free .... forever. And very, very happy. The wind will blow over me and I'll be gone.

Like grass.

A psychotic disorder

This is Jim helping Son #3 surf in Florida in 1998. That was a great vacation. Actually, they were all pretty much mostly great. Although one day I'm going to have to make a post out of all of the vacation pictures that show someone ticked off. There was usually someone at one point (or two). What would a family vacation be without a pouting family member?

I found out today that we have two, yes 2, machetes. I'm not sure if Jim thought we would one day wake up to a thicket of weeds, or have to reap wheat or corn, or if they would come in handy as some kind of defense here in the "bubble". But Son #1 says one never knows when one might have to cut something off (I asked if it could possible be an extremity but he didn't really give me a straight answer).

I think that I'm going to have to start a list that I hope to take with me when I get to move on to my next life. I used to have an "ask God" list (#1. What really happened with the whole JFK thing? #2. Fire ants???!!). Of course number one would now be bumped down -- the first thing I'd want to know is, "What the hell were You thinking?", but you already know that). Now I need to have an "Ask Jim" list. I'm sure the machetes would make the top 10.

I'll have to ponder what else I'd ask him before I write anything more about it.

I am still in a "funk". Actually, that word is too light but I'm not sure what else to call it, other than depression.

"Depression" -- what a broad term, really. Here's what Webster's says:

1 a: the angular distance of a celestial object below the horizon b: the size of an angle of depression2: an act of depressing or a state of being depressed: as a: a pressing down : lowering b (1): a state of feeling sad: dejection (2): a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies c (1): a reduction in activity, amount, quality, or force (2): a lowering of vitality or functional activity3: a depressed place or part : hollow4: low 1b

5: a period of low general economic activity marked especially by rising levels of unemployment

I'd definitely say I'm number 2 -- a, b and c. Right now I'm really feeling that "lowering of vitality". I think that's a good description. I can still laugh and smile and say funny things (most of the time). But inside -- and sometimes outside -- I feel a numbness and a definite lack of vitality. Actually, numbers 3 & 4 are pretty good, though not intentionally (hollow and low) and there is definitely low general economic activity, or really, just activity in general.

I'm not sure if people are aware of how exhausting trying to seem "normal" is.

But in the spirit of trying to seem "normal" (whatever the heck that is anymore) and to give everyone a chuckle -- here's what happened in my house tonight:

I got home from a meeting around 9:00. Son #3 was cleaning the kitchen and Son #1 was baking something in the toaster oven. He had just put on oven mitts and picked up a spatula as I walked in. I asked what he was cooking and Son #3 said "Cheesy bread."

At the same time he was answering my question Son #1 was inserting the spatula into the oven to ---- well, I'm not totally sure, but I think he thought he was going to take the loaf of bread out. What he actually did was push the loaf of bread to the back of the oven and then off of the rack (he hadn't used a baking pan), onto the heating elements, where it immediately burst into flames. Big flames. Big, toaster-oven-filling flames. He then panicked and unplugged it (thankfully he held the panic a bit under control) and then he pulled the flaming toaster oven over to the sink, where he fully intended to take the sprayer and fill the oven (did I mention it's brand-new?) with water. Fortunately I got past the open-mouthed shock and raced across the kitchen while yelling "DON'T TOUCH THE SPRAYER!!". He turned to look at me in surprise while I pushed past him and then blew out all of the flames (yes, as in a huge, old person's birthday cake). It worked and I saved my toaster oven (the new one) from being hosed, permanently.

Never a dull moment. Actually, that would be a good title for a book about my family.

I think dull moments get a bad rap. I'd enjoy a few.

Back

This is Son #2 and Jim wrestling.  If I had waited 10 more seconds to take the picture it would have included Sons #1 & #3.  Wrestling was an all-time favorite event in our house and it was almost always 3 against one.  Jim loved it just as much as the boys did.  Men ......

     I had a fun time in Austin last night.  Yesterday was fun and also sad for me.  But at least I was with great friends.

     This morning we did some retail therapy at an outlet mall.  We didn't have nearly enough time there, but on the other hand, we had way too much.  :)

     I went to dinner tonight with some very good and much-loved friends.  I needed that, too.  It was good to see some of my men friends.  I miss that.

     The boys didn't kill each other while I was gone.  Neither did the kittens.  It's pretty peaceful around here.  

     Daughters #2 & #3 are in the Windy City this weekend, the place of their birth.  They haven't been there since they were babies and have always wanted to visit.  I hope they're having a blast.  They were on the "L" last night when I talked to them (when I texted all three girls and told them I was on 6th Street in Austin and getting ready to get a tattoo.  We all texted our kids at the same time with that message.  I won the contest when Daughter #2 called me within 5 seconds!  Daughter #1's call followed a bit later.  No tattoo --- yet). 

     Not much else going on around here.  The last 6 weeks of the school year start on Tuesday.  Son #2 insists he's "kicking it in" now and going to make better grades.  I wonder what odds a bookie would give me?

     Oh, that reminds me, I need to go make sure the machete is put away.  I'm not sure why a family who lives in the suburbs needs a machete.  I never thought to ask.  I'm thinking it was the "male" hormone that was in charge of that purchase.  

     Gee, the deadliest thing I ever bought was a set of steak knives.  

     

early day

This is Jim, all tucked in for the evening (note the layers of blankets and the big honkin' pillow) and Son #2 (who's 4 at the time) reading him a bedtime story.  What's really funny about this is that Jim had a horrible habit (no, he wasn't perfect, contrary to popular belief!) of falling asleep wherever he ended up for the evening.  And staying there -- all night!  

For for the first several years I did the wifely thing and woke him up, multiple times, to get him to come to bed so that his back didn't hurt in the morning.  This usually involved me, waking up at 2 in the morning, noticing that he hadn't made it back yet and getting out of my warm, cozy bed to go haul him back.  

If I failed in doing my duty some night he complained about his back the next day and said it was my fault for leaving him there.

And then we had children.

Six children, to be exact.

And pretty soon I no longer cared if the man woke up with a backache the next day because I was too tired to crawl out of my bed for what must surely be the THIRD time to wake him up enough  to come to bed!!!  I was NOT, after all, HIS mother!!!

He continued to have that habit until he died.  Only he got WAY over the other habit early on -- blaming me!  Once in a while he might throw in a guilt-trip attempt ("if you really, really loved me you would ...... yada yada yada).  I would just give him "the look" (many of you have seen it) and the conversation would abruptly end.

     Did you notice the earliness of the day?  That's because at 5:38 AM I woke up with a start (sounds so poetic, doesn't it?  "with a "start") and bounded out of bed to inform Son #2 that he had missed the bus and that he'd have to catch a ride with Son #1, who was also still in bed.  Fortunately I paused on the stairs and thought real hard (which is most difficult to do at 5:38 in the morning).  Then I thought, "Wait, doesn't he catch the bus at 6:25?  Wait, no ..., wait, maybe.....no, it's 5:25........WAIT!!!  All of these little voices need to shut up so I can think!  Now, school starts at 7:25 so yes, he catches the bus at 6:25.  Case solved."

And then I was up for the day.  Welcome to my mad little morning.

     In other news, things are not going well in Oklahoma.  Jim's mom wants to die.  She is pleading with everyone to let her go.  Her mind is past the point of being ready, but her body is still hanging in there.  It's only a matter of time.  Hopefully God will be gracious and make it sooner rather than later.  

     And after the rough week I am going to have a fun weekend.  I'm heading to Austin with some friends for the evening.  I'll be back tomorrow.   I need some more mindless fun-time.  I just hope I don't have to face the mind-numbing depression-time when I get back.

This has not been fun. 

Please keep praying for us and for Jim's family.  And pray for the wonderful group of people who are winging their way towards Kenya as I write this.  I'm there in spirit and sometimes I'm sad that I'm not there physically.  I know He will bless them.

 

a tough week

     This is a picture of Jim after the kids turned him into a "merman", complete with seaweed and seashells.  I can't remember the year.

     This has been a tough week.  I don't know why-- nothing I can pinpoint... it just was.  I cried a lot.  I haven't cried in a long time.

     This morning I ran errands and then went to work.  And cried.  Then I went home.  And cried.  I've decided that I'm a depressed cleaner.  When I got tired of crying I decided to clean out the window frames and screens.  Well, I'm more of an ADD cleaner.  I went to a window to open it (because we have spring in Texas for about one week out of the year and I love to open our windows in the spring) and was disgusted at the depth of dirt that had accumulated inside of the screens.  So I lugged out the vacuum cleaner and started cleaning them out with the hose.  Then I noticed that one of the screens on my bedroom windows was off and leaning against the house.  I thought that was strange, but then I moved on to the living room windows.  Then I noticed that one of those screens was off and leaning against the house.  Now this was beyond strange ---- and creepy - especially since there had been some break-ins in our area a couple of weeks ago.  So I went into the family room and had this conversation with my child who is going to Harvard (as opposed to the other 5, who are not) which just goes to show that intelligence does not always walk hand in hand with common sense:

Me:  "OK, this is creepy -- 2 windows screens look like they have been taken off of the windows.  I'm not sure when this happened but I think it was recently."

Daughter #1:  ---- she gave me a look, which I assume was very much like the look I gave Jim went he put the $2000 cell phone bill in front of me --- and then she said, "Ummmmm, that would have been me."

Me: "What?!  When and why would you have removed -- and not replaced -- window screens?"

Her:  "That would have been the day I was locked out of the house."

Me:  "The day you were locked out for three hours?!"

Her:  "Yes, that day."

Me:  "So when in the three hours did you try to open the windows?"

Her:  "Ummm, about 2 1/2 hours into it.  But it worked -- one of the windows was unlocked."

Me:  "You didn't tell me you climbed through a window."

Her:  "Well, I put all of the screens back."

Me: --- nothing, I just looked at the window with no screen on it.

Her:  "Well, almost all of them."

I then went outside to put the screens back on.  I struggled with one of the screens, then a thought popped into me head, so I went back in to talk to her.

Me:  "Ummm, how did you manage to get the screens off?  You've never done that before."

Her:  "I found a machete lying out back and used that."

Me:  really, not much of anything was said on that.  I must say that I am HIGHLY disappointed that a crazed (cuz let me tell you that after 2 1/2 hours of being locked out of the house, that girl was very crazed) twenty-plus year old person could attack my windows with a machete and CLIMB in one of them and not one single neighbor seemed to notice!!!  What kind of neighborhood do I live in?!!!

Oh, and since I live in the same house with teenage males, who sometimes have moronic tendencies,  I didn't question the fact that there was a machete lying in my backyard for one nano second.

Just one of the regular bumps on my roller coaster.  Welcome.

Tomorrow's ride will feature the stomach-dropping and heart-stopping turns & twists of my mother-in-law's roller coaster.  There will be plenty of seats--- it's  long & a little lonely.  

Cleaning out my feelings

     This is Jim with Son #3, a teddy bear.  Not necessarily on Halloween --- just for kicks.  Because he was so darn cute I could hardly stand it.  It's a good thing God made him cute -- it's saved his butt on many an occasion.

     Today I had lunch with three lovely women from church.  We shared things going on in our lives and challenges we're facing.  I told them about being sad.  And so frustrated that I seem to be doing OK for a while and then, Wham!  I find myself slammed backwards again.  I am not a patient person.  I want to be able to say, "I'm fine." and really mean it.  I want to be able to be doing OK.  Just when I think "I've moved forward a few steps -- I feel OK!",  then I wake up the next day feeling like I've been pushed 5 steps back.  

For someone who's not patient and who is someone who likes a modicum of control -- this is agonizingly frustrating.  And makes me feel like a bit of a loser.  Because I can't control this part of me.  It feels like I should, but I can't.  

I also feel like a huge loser because I won't be on that flight to Kenya tomorrow.  This also makes me sad.  It's hard to explain -- My whole being is sad at not going and yet part of my brain feels very relieved.  

So there ya go --- still sad.

     So today I decided to clean out the study.  I'm not sure what started it but I worked like a madwoman most of the morning and afternoon.  If I were to make a therapeutic guess, I'd say that I was trying to clean away my feelings.  The more "Jim things" I can remove from a room the less I'll have to see them and thus feel sorrow.  I have no idea if that theory actually works, but it kept me very busy.

     I also decided that I want the study to look a little like "me" now, so that I can feel comfortable working and hanging in it.  It was Jim's favorite room and it is 100% Jim.  I'm not there at all.  I was probably a bit jealous of him and his room.  So today I cleaned out most of the books, packed them up--- put some in the attic and donated some to the library.  I cleared out all of the files that I won't be using, boxed them up and added them to the attic.  It was a

 busy day.  I tried to "soften the room up a bit" so that I'd feel comfortable just hanging in there.

     I'm not sure if I got anything accomplished but I do feel a bit more comfortable in there.  

I'm not sure what the kids think.... if they're wondering why I'm changing things up and removing Dad's stuff.  They don't say much, they just watch.  And I just hope that I'm not causing any scars by doing things at the wrong time for them.

      Which brings me to a WHOLE nother part of this grieving progress that frustrates the hell out of me!!  This whole, huge, nuclear event did not just happen to me.  It also blew all 6 of my children sky high.  So now I have the job of pulling myself together - and quickly- so that I can make sure that each of my children is acting whole and healthyl  REALLY?!!  That's MY job?!!

Whoever decided that job order should spend a weekend locked into a room of 3 month olds.  A WHOLE weekend.

So anyway ... that's enough blabbering.  

J&J took me to see my first Lacrosse game today.  It was interesting and very tiring.  I mean, geez, I got exhausted watching all of those girls running all over the place!  But it was fun and I enjoy hanging with J--- again.  I look forward to the times when we can be together and share what's going on in our lives.  It seems that God gave us a brief sabbatical from each other for a couple of years (seemed longer) and then He, in His magnificent wisdom, brought us right back to each other --- just in time.  Scarily, just in time.  I have missed her beyond words.  And I need her -- so much.  

     Anyway, we went to the game and then out for spicy Tai food, which totally cleared out my sinuses!

Not much to say

     This is from the surprise 40th Jim gave me.  This picture says a lot.  What it says now is  I wish I could do that again.  Hug him like that.   Oh.  So.  Much.

I think I've had too much fun and now I'm coming "down".  

I don't have much to say except that I miss him and I feel sad.  

No,  it's more than a feeling.  It's a state of being.  I am sad.

Oh.  So.  Much.

I miss my friend

     This picture is from our Sunday School class Halloween party, circa 1987.  We were supposed to come as famous couples.  We were Mr. & Mrs. Lot --- post the destruction of Sodom & Gomorrah (for those not familiar with that story -- Mrs. Lot looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt).  Jim took me in on a dolly saying, "Oy vey, I told her not to look back!".  

I cannot express how much I miss him.  We had a great time together.

     Well, I went to another doctor today.  I liked him.  He told me that it IS my rotator cuff.  It's not torn but it's very agitated.  I know how it feels.  I'm very agitated that it's still bothering me and that the last doctor didn't know what it was.  So today was a first -- I got my first steroid shot.  Yikes!  I hope it starts working soon.  So far I don't notice a change.  He said it might take a couple of days to feel a difference.  If it's not better in 6 weeks I go for another shot. Double yikes.  

     Today I went with two friends, M & S, to see a movie at M's request:  "Nim's Island".

Let me just say that M owes S & me 2 hours of our lives back.  I dozed through some of it, though not enough of it.  We're not quite sure yet how she's going to make up for those 2 lost hours, but she will.  Undoubtably.

     Here's how pathetic my life is at the moment (other than the fact that Son #2 has once again flip-flopped and now hates me because I'm sending him to military school.  He lives to make me miserable ... to show me that my love for him is never enough.  Some days August cannot come too soon.) -- the highlight of my day was buying a kitchen trash can and a new shower caddie.  I know --- it's difficult not to be jealous, isn't it?  

Sigh ... someone has to live the high life.

     Speaking of the high life, Son #1 changed his "pretend" college project Christmas list.  Now I get a pearl and diamond necklace from Mikimoto (whoever the heck that is).  It's only $850 (a step up from the afore-mentioned automatic pet feeder).  Someone seems to be doing some major sucking-up.  Major.  

That makes his first year "budget" come in right at $58,000.00.  I think the air on his planet is very, very thin.  

     All I know is he'd better find a very rich, desperate-to-be-married girl at that snobby school he's going to.  Somebody has to pay for that pretty necklace!

     

     

      

     

Home again

This picture is of Jim and I think Son #3.  Not one hundred percent certain, but that's the kind of mom I am.

     I had a great weekend.  I am pooped.  Poor V -- I slept all the way to Tulsa in her car -- not a fun passenger.  Then I slept all the way home on the plane.  Now I am home with my crazy children.  Back in the zoo.

    I received a call from the security company at the lake last night around 11:30.  The alarm had gone off and they were sending the authorities out (she did not way what they were authorities in).  Son #3 and a wonderful friend went to the lake this morning to check everything (thank you, JD).  It seems that all is well and we're not sure what set the alarm off.  Unless a bug ran across the motion detector.  Anyway,  that was good to hear.

     It was great to renew old friendships and catch up with women whom I have loved over the years.  They all took great care of me and kept me laughing.  It was like we had never left each other and everyone looked great.  It was amazing how little everyone had changed (either that, or many, many of us need stronger glasses).  dsI, for one, did not close the bar down last night.  Midnight was about as far as I could go.  I'm not sure what happened after V & I left, though I'm sure it had to do with chanting and secret handshakes.  Oh, and can you believe how soon you forget a secret handshake?  And words to a secret song?!  I guess the whole "signed in blood" pact didn't have THAT much of an effect!

     I was exhausted and sad at the end of the night.  I hated to leave them.  I also hate it that the one person who knew many of these girls and with whom I would love to share the details about this weekend is no longer here.  He would have loved hearing how many of these women are doing and what's going on in their lives.  He would also have loved the pictures.  

     I really hope that we all keep in contact now and stay connected.  I need that.  I received a request to try to start a blog for the women in my pledge class.  I'll check into that and see if we can do it.  

     The kittens survived.  They seem to like each other now.  Colbie even got fixed and declawed.  Yay for me not having to be here for the aftermath, though Daughter #1 said she did really well.  I brought home gifts for them (note:  I did not bring home gifts for my ungrateful children.  Even the ones who read the blog and decided at the last minute to send me a text saying,  "I love and miss you, mom".  Like I didn't see through that!!  I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday, ya know (I think it was the day BEFORE yesterday). 

     On the excitement-front --- I'm off to see a new doctor for my shoulder tomorrow morning.  I've heard talk about shots.  I hope we determine what it actually is (besides a shoulder and old age) before we talk about sticking needles in it.  

     OK, time to play with my "babies" and think about dinner and then bed.

To all of you lovely, lovely Gamma Phis ---- I love you so much and miss you already.  Thank you for the thoughts and prayers.  Thank you for the laughs and the tears.  Thank you for helping to to finally have some fun.  A lot of fun.  I hope it doesn't take us nearly as long to do this again.

  You are amazing women.  Of course you are --- you're my sisters. 

Oh. My. Gosh.

I am having the best time this weekend. I love these women and they have been wonderful. We went out last night until about one in the morning --- we all surprised ourselves! Of course, I cannot go into detail about things that happened or what was said -- I'll just say, "Baaa-aaaaa" (that was for you JP). There was probably more blood-letting and oath swearing so my lips are sealed. Come to think of it, there was more swearing than oathing, but that's what happens when about 50 women shut down a bar. Ooops, forget I wrote that.
Today more friends are coming in so we're all looking forward to hanging out together. We can't believe it's taken us this long to do something like this, but know that life just gets in the way (along with jobs, children, spouses, etc). We are getting to an age when it's easier to get away and do something for ourselves. We like this age.
I miss my children --- the feeling doesn't seem to be mutual and I'm sure at least one of them will make some snide comment when I return, like, "Did you just come back from the store?" or, "Have you been gone?!". (except of course for my WONDERFUL daughters at BU!)
Oh well .... maybe I'll put that in MY book!!
Off I go ---- for another day of great friends and wonderful memories!

Ohhhh -- Esssss -- Youuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Sorry folks, no pictures for a couple of days. I'm on a computer in the lobby of the hotel and I think they would take great umbridge to my dowloading pics onto their desktop. Yes, I could delete them, but to be frank (stop calling me frank!) I just don't want to go to all of that bother.
Besides, what happens in Stillwater, stays in Stillwater. These are my sorority sisters you know, so we did have to take a blood oath last night by moonlight with a slaughtered goat carcas nearby.
Some vows cannot be broken. :)

We had a great time last night. We went to a Mexican restaurant and sat for the most of the night, closing down the joint. We talked a lot. Some of us hadn't seen each other since the day we graduated twenty-some-none-of-your-business years ago. And we all agreed that we are past the age of consuming much alcohol. Yes, we were there almost 5 hours and most of us had 2 margaritas. We know, and accept, our limits. A huge key to aging gracefully, in my opinion. Well, there's that ........ and then there's the fear of how your body will treat you the next morning if you go against its limit. Not a pretty picture.

Some of us met for breakfast this morning and now we're going to take a walk around the campus. It's a lovely day -- if you don't count the cold, knock-a-cow-over, wind that's sweeping down the plain. I forgot how incredibly windy it is here. I might need to eat a couple of pizzas for lunch just to make sure both feet stay anchored to the ground!

We have registration today. There are more than 200 of us coming to this event. My other 3 friends who will be working with me to register people and I have decided that we'll go through the goody bags first to grab the things we like the best. That way we can all have a "set" of champagne glasses, instead of just one. So someone misses out on a champagne glass? Really, what can you do with just one?

I hear that the kids are all doing well. Of course, I don't hear this from the kids themselves. Most of them have not lowered themselves to answer my "I love and miss you" texts. Not all, but most. Brats. Those that answered may be given special treats when I return. I haven't decided yet what to do with those who think they don't need a mom. Hmmmmm. I guess I could bring home that goat carcas.

OK, so that's it for today, most likely. Just wanted to pop on and say hello and let everyone now that I am alive and not lying in a gutter..... so far.

Not enough time

This picture is of Jim with Sons #2 & #3. I think they were around 3 & 5. It was at the farm. And no, Jim is not naked! Get your minds out of the gutter, people!

Well, the bad thing about only spending a day with my parents is just that. It's only a day. Not nearly enough time. I guess that could be a good thing -- we leave each other wanting more time and not sick of each other! Not that I would ever feel that way but they might. Nahhhh! Who wouldn't love spending MORE time with me? Ummmm, maybe some of my kids.

I wasn't going to write a post today because I didn't have a lot to say but then I decided that I might either float away during the night, or be carried away by a stinking tornado, so I'd best get one last post in while I can. The weather here is horrendous and there are huge storm and tornado watches (and sightings). It's been raining like crazy and I think we might need an ark. Ooh, that would be bad because my mom has 3 cats .... one would have to stay. Yikes!

Oh, good news --- I went into a PetsMart tonight (my mom likes to live dangerously) and I did NOT leave with a cat! And we even stopped and looked at the adoptable cats. See, I do have some measure of control.

For some reason, my mind has been playing tricks on me lately. I'm not sure if it's doing it more because I'm in Tulsa for the first time in the "after" or what. It was doing it a bit before I left. But things keep happening to me and my first thought is, "I need to call Jim." It's been happening more here, but I'm sure that's because every time I was out of town I called him every night to say good night, or to tell him about something or someone. And I called him to check on the kids. And he called me. Just to say hi and check on me. And to tell me he loved me.
Just in case I haven't mentioned it before ..... or at least in a while, ..... the "after" sucks.
Not all of it ---- anymore, -----but all of it with the huge hole in it.

Some of my friends forwarded me news today --- the school board wants to name a building after Jim. And they want to start a scholarship in his name. They continue to amaze and touch me. He left huge holes in quite a few places.

Tomorrow I head to "college" and get to spend some quality time with my "sisters". That makes me smile.
:)

Ozzie

This is the ball of fur they call a "dog" here in Tulsa. Meet Ozzie. He is TOO cute. And he doesn't even have a real bark (and why would he? He's the size of a gerbil!). He sounds just like a squeek toy. But, being on the "small side" he does have the required Napolean complex. He thinks he's huge --- and mighty. He's quite bossy.
Two good things about small dogs: small pee spots and small poop.
For whatever that's worth.

A long day

This picture is from April 2005 --- Daughters' #2 & #3 prom. I look like a munchkin. And they are gorgeous.
I am in Tulsa --- it's cold here (no smart aleck remarks, M1!). Yes, I know it's snowing in Anchorage --- ewwww.
The flight was a little delayed but uneventful. I think I slept most of the time. Well, not really slept. But as good as one can sitting straight up on a small, loud plane.
The kids seems to be doing well. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Daughter #1 and Son #1 aren't having a kegger while I'm gone. :)
My dad and step-mom have a new pet. In addition to the pug and the dachsund (which looks remarkable like Tess, Di --- a little yule-loggish!), they now have this teeny, tiny dog that's smaller than the guinea pigs we used to have. I will try to post a picture tomorrow. He's amazingly cute and his name is Ozzie. I think he weighs no more than half a pound. Really. He can easily fit inside my purse and it's on the small side. I sure hope he doesn't come up missing tomorrow. I don't think the kittens would like him. Besides, he'd probably get sucked up into the vacum cleaner. We're talking small (that was for you, K)!
Tomorrow I hang with my mom. Yay! Hopefully I'll be able to sleep in tomorrow morning because I won't have a kitten hitting me in the face to get up at 6:00.
Jim's mom was moved to the new place today --- to hopefully get off of the respirator some day. I'm sure that was exhausting.
Well, that's all from the Sooner State (you don't know how much I abhor the word "Sooner". I prefer "Cowboy". Oh well.).
I'm impressed that I was able to upload that picture from my phone --- you don't have to be. As long as I impress myself it's OK.
Alright, who am I kidding? I'd like everyone to be impressed.
If you knew my techno limits you would be. Very much.
:)

Are you kidding me?

As you can see, this picture is from December 1988.  This was the Mothers of Multiples Christmas party in Tulsa.  The girls were very, very good.  We only had 3 children then.  And only girls.  Sigh.  :)

     I have decided that I should write a book for the newly grieved.  I shall call it, "Don't worry, you're not sick --- it's just stress!".

   I am tired of doctors.  I am frustrated and weary.  Today I went to the 2nd ENT to go over all of the test results.  Basically, there's nothing wrong with me --- it's just stress.  Lots and lots of stress.  Really?!  So those little plaque spots on my brain are just stress?  And that little cyst on the back of my brain is just stress?  And the chronic sinusitis --- stress?  No, but nothing bad enough to do anything about.  The plaque spots are puzzling, because they indicate I should be having crushing migraines.  But I don't -- so don't worry about it.  So there you go.

The dizziness?  Stress.  The hearing loss and fullness and roaring in my ear?  Stress.  My shoulder?  I don't know, maybe it's just stress, too!

   So I guess I'm just stressed out.  Ya think?!  Let's see .... what's on the "stress list'"?  Oh, well -- number 1 (through infinity):  Jim's death.  Number 2:  Jim's mom.  Number 3:  The kids' health.

Number 4:  Son #2.  Number 5:  I can't play tennis!!  Number 6:  Jim's death --- wait, I already used that one, didn't I?  Number 7.  Life without Jim.  Number 8:  Son #1's upcoming graduation without Jim.  Number 9:  Daughter #2 & #3's upcoming 21st birthday without Jim.

Number 10:  Our upcoming 25th anniversary, also without Jim.

There we go --- I think that's a good start.

     As for Jim's mom -- my wonderful sister-in-law L called me today.  Jim's brother said that Mom is stable, physically.  Mentally, she's really going downhill.  But there are no decisions to be made at this point in time.  In fact, they're going to move her to a rehab place (on the respirator) tomorrow.  Her Son #2 is going back to California Wednesday.  They all said that I don't need to come -- that I should go enjoy my trip and my family and my friends.  Nothing is happening and she's less aware at the moment.  Maybe the change in scenery will help her.

So I am relieved and looking forward to the time with my family and friends.  Very, very much.

     So, yes, I am stressed.  I expect to have stress for quite a while.  I expect that my "before" normal will never be here again.  So I will look for a new "normal".  Some day.  Today I try to deal with the stress.  But I have a wonderful family, the best friends in the world (in every area of my life-- church, tennis, couples bunco, school district, MOPS, work, etc), and a God who may not always be felt, but always IS.  And even though Jim is gone physically, he's still taking care of us and made my stress less than it could have been.  I love him more than ever.

And I have 2 kittens that seem to be adjusting to each other.  Little by little.  There's still some hissing, but it seems to be better.

The men in the white coats are coming .....

This picture is from 1994 --- Sons #1 & #2 are sitting on the fence, watching Daddy put the new Jeep together.  This was one of the best gifts of all time.

     So the roller coaster continues.  Make sure you're securely in the car before we begin.  Trust me, there have been quite a few times when the ride has taken off when I wasn't ready --- it is NOT fun to be tossed around the car like a rag doll.

     First of all, I am so proud of Son #2 that I could bust.  He and another friend put together a benefit for a family at our church.  It was a "band fest" to raise money for medical expenses (their daughter is also a 9th grader and a good friend of his).  When he first started planning this I was not optimistic about the outcome.  I've never heard his "band" play and he was pulling together other bands to perform.

Well let me just say that he/they did an outstanding job.  The show was a couple of hours and it was very good.  They raised a fair amount of money --- much, much more than I had thought they would.

I didn't bring a camera or video recorder (see what kind of mother I am?!).  So this is from my phone --- Son #2 is the one in the middle, playing the bass.  He was wonderful!!
And I know that Jim is as proud of him and the tremendous job he did organizing this as I am.  I could feel him.  This is one of the high points of the "ride".

     Next, my brother-in-law left for Oklahoma yesterday.  Things are bad.  Decisions have to be made regarding "quality of life" and how much longer this is going to go on --  how much longer Jim's mom should have to do this.  She is slipping away.  

     So my trip to Tulsa may have to be altered.  I am hoping against hope that I can still go to the reunion.  I really, really need this.  But this is family -- and my family for the last 27 years (I count the time before we were married).  They and I need a lot of prayer right now.  Especially them and the decisions that need to be made, but that no one wants to have to make.  This is where the "ride" makes a stomach lurching drop --- one of the biggest drops ever.   One of them.

     And now, onto the admit and confess part of the ride.  I have lost my mind.  Now I know you're thinking I've been saying this for the last 3 plus months, and that's true.  I have been losing it.  But now ..... it's gone.  Totally.  And the sad part is, I'm still mostly responsible for 6 other people.  It's a good thing the oldest three are close to being all on their own.  Good for them .... bad for me.  

     It all happened yesterday.  Son #3 and I went to see "Leatherheads" --- you should see it.  Cute, funny and gorgeous.  Oh, well, we all know who was gorgeous.  Really, does the movie have to be good?  Nahhhhhh.  If it is, it's a win-win.  :)

Anyway, after the movie we ran into PetsMart to pick up some cat food.  BIG MISTAKE. HUGE, GIGANTIC, MASSIVELY BIG mistake!  I now recognize that I have a serious problem and can never, EVER, be allowed to walk into that store again (kind of like my sis-in-law in AK!).

Because THIS is what I left with:

This is the extra package I came out with.  He's 9 weeks old and very, very cute.  Too bad he and Colbie seem to hate each other's guts.  I went into that store an innocent, unaware victim-to-be.  I left a stunned, stammering, blathering idiot.  And I blame Son #3 for this.  Yes, I had been considering a second kitten for Colbie to live with (especially a short haired, black male), but had really given up on the idea.  And then came the kitten asile at PetsMart.  Dumm dee dumm dummm.  

And now here I am.  The owner of two adorable, yowling, spitting kittens.  Kind of like my kids!

I wanted to give him a Kenyan name but can't seem to find a suitable one.  "Kenya" sounds too much like a female name, unless we call him Kenny, which might not be flattering for my dad, Kenny.  So then I found the Swahili word for cat --- paka (pronounced like Paco, only with a soft a on the end).  Now this would be a perfectly acceptable name if Son #2 had not had a minor speech problem when he was small.  The boy couldn't say an R to save his life.  So when he would tell someone his name, it sounded a whole lot like "Paca", or in the case of his baseball coach, "Paco".  The man called him that for 2 weeks before I realized he was talking to PARKER!  

So, Paca is out.  The next name was the Swahili name for "black", but I couldn't figure out how to pronounce it.  So for the moment it's ................. and do NOT roll your eyes ...............................

"George".  I'm sure you can figure out where that name came from.  I don't know if it will stick, I'd still like to do something in honor of Kenya.  

And just in case you or someone you know feels the burning desire to ask ... NO, I AM NOT A CAT LADY!!!  The definition of a cat lady is one who owns 3 or more.  I have two.  And 2 it will stay (unless George flunks his 2 week trial period and I have to take him back).  I really hope he works out.

And many of my friends have been warned so let me warn the rest of you ---- I can NEVER, EVER, be allowed into that store again.  So if I call you and ask for a delivery of litter or food, please know that you're helping me more than you know if you deliver.  

     OK, time to go ice and then heat the shoulder and then beg my dear sweet friend for something a bit stronger that 800 mg of Motrin every 6 hours.  That takes the edge off, sometimes.  I may have to go see another shoulder doctor when I get back from Oklahoma.  Tomorrow I see the new ENT.  Hopefully he'll be able to guide me as to what to do to help my ears, sinuses and dizziness.

     OK, the ride is coming to a slow down now.  Please wait until it comes to a complete stop before you unbuckle your seat belts, cuz you never know when it's going to take off, going from 0 to 60 in 20 seconds (that one kind of knocks the breath out of you....in my experience anyway).

Stay clear of the swinging doors and leave on the left side.  If you feel strong and brave enough tomorrow then please join me for another ride!  But make sure you're ready!!!