It is done .....

This is Jim on the school board (middle back). This is the place I stepped into tonight. It should've been him. No one can really step into his place.

Well, May is over. I wish I could say that I feel better now, but I don't. I guess maybe just a tiny sense of relief that we've made it this far.

Everyone was wonderful to me tonight. The school board members, the administration .... everyone. I did not cry. Not there anyway. A bit on the way.
I was sad today, but it was nice to have so much family around me. I didn't think I'd hold it together when they introduced me (I had no idea they were going to do that), but I did. And I did when I handed Son #1 his diploma (and all of the other kids I knew).
So I guess that's a good thing.
Oh, and for those of you who are keeping track, or placing bets, it only took one Xanax.
And I was told (by my mother, so that does NOT count) that I did not look like a pregnant penguin. Whatever. Squawk!!


Here are the pictures from earlier tonight:



Here he is with Daughter #2:



And this is from his birthday the other night:



Tomorrow we're going to the lake to finish spreading Jim's ashes.
Another event.

So, May down ...... I wonder how many months to go?
I think I need a nap. A very long, very quiet nap.
I think I'll go to Cabo next week ...... and take a nap.

I'm too tired ....

.... to post tonight. It's been a long day and tomorrow will be even longer.
I miss Jim. He should be here, running this. Not me.
He should be. Here.

I love this man ....

This is Jim with his youngest brother and his wife at Daughter #1's graduation. That was a happy weekend. The pictures make me smile. I love this man. So. Much. Sometimes I wonder how you can love and miss someone so much and still survive. I wonder.

My aunt and uncle drove in today. My mom's oldest brother and his wife. I love them and am so grateful that they came to share this weekend with us. So grateful.
I continue to feel blessed. I don't understand God's mind and I know I never will. It's not mine to understand. But I know, in spite of the pain and the loss and the grief, that I am blessed. And sometimes there is a pin point of light ahead of me. I think it will slowly become bigger than a pin point. I pray that it will.
Son #1 graduates in 2 days. I am excited for him. Not so much for me, but it's him that I concentrate on. There were some days when I wondered why God smote ...... I mean, blessed .... us, with so many children. Now I know why. He has perfect wisdom. I need all 6 of them. I am excited for their futures and for what God has in store for each of them.
The shock of the tattoo is passing. I love it more and more with each passing hour. I can't express what it means to have Jim's signature as a physical part of me. I love looking at it. Anyone who ever received a note from him will instantly recognize it. He was a great note-writer. He grew into that.
I got my gown yesterday for Saturday night. My preggers penguin gown. Hopefully I'll pull it off. I love the orange and black collar. Go pokes!
Jim's brother, sister-in-law and their daughter arrive tomorrow. Then my dad comes on Saturday. I will be surrounded with love and support, as will Son #1.
What more can you ask for in life? Love and support.
God is good. All of the time -- whether we feel it or not.

Trust me.

Twenty five years ago .....

..... today I was married. I had the most wonderful husband I could ask for. God has indeed blessed me. With a godly, awesome husband and father, with six wonderful children and with the best friends anyone could ever ask for.
Even today .... 5 1/2 months after Jim died, I can say that I -- am -- blessed.

I started today whispering to Jim, "Happy anniversary. I love you." Then it was just a regular day. Sort of. Well, maybe not, but I tried to make it so.
Then, at 6:00, my friends M, S and L picked me and my mom up to go out tonight. M had told me to be ready at 6:00, but that's all she would say. They picked us up in a limo. And then we went to pick up D, A, K, D and N. They had picked Italian music to play in the limo and they took me to an Italian restaurant (Jim and I had planned to go to Italy this year for our anniversary). I had a wonderful time. I cried a bit and I laughed a lot. We saw a full rainbow on the way. You don't often, if ever, see full rainbows in this part of the country. God, and Jim, seemed to be smiling down on us. I have the best friends in the world and I'm thankful that I recognize that. Even in the valley I can see that I am blessed. I pray that Jim sees that, too.

So that was my 25th anniversary. Not how I planned or expected to celebrate it Not at all. But not the horrible day that I thought or expected it would be, either. Thank you to my wonderful dear friends. And thank you to V for the flowers. They are beautiful. I can't wait to see you.

And in other news ..... George broke up with his girlfriend. Woot!!!!!!!!

Tattoo p.s.

Here's Mom getting her tattoo and the final result:

A little bit legal -- and a whole lot crazy

Here is the proud daddy with Son #1, eighteen years ago. Just a few hours before I got peed in the face. Ahhhh, boys.

Well, a few momentous occasions down, a couple more to go. Tomorrow is our 25th anniversary. Words cannot express what I am feeling.

Today, Daughters #2 & #3, my mom and I celebrated Jim by doing something totally nuts. Yes, we did indeed get tattoos. Jim is up in heaven having a conniption fit. But heck, I figure it's his fault. If he were still here there's no way I'd have done this. But he's not, and I did.

Here's the beginning. Not so bad .... at first. And then, I tried really, really hard to not cry. I didn't, but I had to do a lot of Lamaze breathing to get through it. And squeeze all of the blood out of Daughter #1's hand.



This is the finished product. It's Jim's signature (too cool how they can replicate that) on top of a heart. Underneath the heart is the verse from our wedding, Song of Songs 8:7. It's written on the right side of my blog ---------->.



This is Daughter #2 getting hers done. I didn't get a very good picture, but it says "Wherever they'll grow" with a picture of a forget-me-not. For those of you who were at Jim's memorial, it's what she talked about (she wanted to be like her dad -- she hopes that when she's gone it may be said of her that she plucked out thistles and planted flowers wherever they would grow).



And here's Daughter #3. She decided to break hers up and put one on each wrist. On one she has the Hebrew letters spelling Yaweh. On the other is a verse that has meant a lot to her since December: 1 Corinthians 15:19.





So there you have it --- the path to insanity caught on film. But we like them. They mean a lot to us, more than I've even written here. It's like still having Jim as a part of me, literally.

Oh, and my mom got one, too! See ...... we're all crazy!! She got a daisy on her shoulder. It's cute. Three generations of tattooed women.
I wonder what's next?!

Preparing

This is Jim, Son #1 and Daughter @1 in Rome --- the day we got there. That was an awesome trip.

My mom and D are here and they found a house today!! Right around the corner from our house at the lake. Hopefully it will work out and they'll be moved down here in a month or so.
We had fun Saturday night with the newly-turned 21 year olds. Daughter #2 had 2 drinks and a shot ---- #3 had THREE drinks and a shot. She's the professional. We had a good time -- I think they had a good time, too, even though almost everyone who came to celebrate with them was over the age of 40. What can I say? I have fun friends.
Tomorrow is a big day. Son #1 is a little legal tomorrow. Just a little. Legal enough to sign up for the fake-draft, I guess. Five more days until he graduates. Five more days until I sit on that stage and hopefully hold it all together. I wonder how many Xanax that will require? Maybe that can be a discussion question --- How many Xanax to stay in control and yet not fall asleep in front of thousands of people? It's a delicate balance. Maybe it should be margaritas instead? Nahhh, I'd certainly fall sleep.
Another question: how many Kleenex do we think it will take? A box? Can you hide a box in one of those robes? Oooooh, I just thought of something .... I'm going to totally look pregnant in that robe!!! Not my favorite look. Trust me, I've spent enough time in my life pregnant.
So, for those who will be there --- no whispering about how I look --- I'll know what you're saying!
I need to figure out what shoes I'm going to wear, too. Comfortable, yet with a little height so that I don't look like a black fire hydrant. But not too high or I'll stumble. And my feet will swell.
Sheesh, I may have to start the Xanax/tequila now!!
But first I need to get through tomorrow. Stay tuned --- you'll be glad you did!!!

P.S.

This is an article from our Thursday paper, about the building being named after Jim.

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/nb/humble/news/5779179.html

Legal

Jim with his girls, 1987. They were just a couple of months old and 2 years old.









Happy Birthday to Daughter #2 and Daughter #3!!!

Actually, I discovered this morning that I am a bit late in wishing them felicitations. As I was making coffee I noticed something in the sink -- something that definitely was not there when I went to bed around 10:30 last night: a cutting board, knife, cut up limes and a shot glass.
Yes, it would seem that the oldest daughter has already led them down the path of drunkenness and sin straight towards hell.
Kind of takes the wind out of my sails in taking them out for margaritas tonight.
Maybe I should just skip it ...... hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.... Right!!!!

With hope

This is Jim and Son #2, snoozing ..... again. In 1993.

I heard another song today. Unfortunately, the reason I heard it is because of the tragedy in Steven Curtis Chapman's family. His 5 year old daughter was killed yesterday. So when I got in the car this morning the radio station was talking about it and played this song, that he wrote some time ago, ironically. I thought it really fit for me and my children, too.

"With Hope"

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope
-Steven Curtis Chapman

With hope. And certainty.

The girls and I watched a goofy chick flick today -- "A Lot Like Love". It wasn't that great of a movie, but towards the end one of the characters said something that made me pause. The main character was depressed with the way his life was going and his brother told him, "This is your life. Right now. It doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet."
It doesn't. It moves on. I have to decide whether or not to move on with it. I need to keep moving. Trust me, there are days when all I want to do is find an exit. I hope those days grow fewer and fewer. I am told they will, but I've never done this before so I have no experience. All I'm told is to expect to grieve at least two years. Like I can put a time frame on my pain from having my heart ripped apart. I'm not counting the months ... just hoping to go from breath to breath.

I thought I'd share my pictures from the beach. The moon was incredibly beautiful while I was there. I took quite a few pictures of it rising.









I get to go to the beach again .... Cabo! Someone with a wonderful heart is giving me her condo to use for a few days. Thank you, L. I am looking forward to seeing white sand and blue water. And listening to the waves again. In peace and quiet. Which of course means that no children are involved. Another notch for Mother of the Year!!! Oh well.
As long as I leave enough money for pizza they should be happy. Or most of them, anyway. You can't please everybody all of the time.
If you don't believe that then you need to borrow six children for about a week.
And let me know how it goes. :)

Change of plans...

This is Jim in 1991 with Son #1 and Daughter #2 at their first and fourth birthday party. Daughter #3 was obviously there but not in the picture.

Well, after deciding that it would really be a complete waste of time to look for an ice floe in southern Texas, I decided to go in the other direction --- I tried to have a heat stroke. I nearly accomplished that during a tennis match today -- and would have if we had played a little later, or a little longer. Holy cow it was hot out there! It's 82 degrees now and it's 8:00 at night!
It was a tough but good match. We lost but I was impressed that neither of us keeled over.
All of my children are home. Daughter #2 came home today. She and Daughter #3 turn 21 on Saturday. So far they have no plans. Well, except for Daughter #3 who expects to start drinking at midnight. Not really, for those of you who don't know her. Or maybe, for those of you who do. Well, when I say "not really", that's because I know she's just kidding. She hasn't said "not really" so maybe those of you who do know her should disregard my "not really". Those of you who don't know her probably don't give a toot (and I have NO idea where that phrase came from!).

I forgot to brag about Son #2's heroic episode this past weekend. While we were at the lake he went off on a jet ski. He was gone for about an hour when I looked out from the dock and saw him passing at a distance. He was going very slowly, which is hugely unusual. Then I saw that he was going very slowly because he was towing a boat -- with a family in it. They had hit a stump and were stranded. He rescued them! He's a hero! I was so proud of him that I grabbed my phone and took a picture (you may have to click on it to look at it bigger):

He really is a great person.

In other news, Daughter #1 got a tattoo. Yes, she did. And here it is:






She wasn't in favor of me putting it on the blog. But I figure, heck, I wasn't that much in favor of her putting it on her foot so who cares? And don't ask me why she chose a little blue bird that looks like it came from a Disney movie. She likes the artist. And whatever you do, if you know her, don't ask her why she chose it either. You may come away without a head. She's a little testy about it -- especially since it's a bit sore.

Well, that's all of the excitement from here. At least for today anyway.
Eight more days of "peace". Which really means, only eight school days left. I could cry.
And I might.

Sigh

This is from 1998 -- Paris. Jim is the one with the cute legs.

I'm back from the beach. Wish I could say I feel better but at least it was relaxing, beautiful (for Galveston) and the weather was wonderful (as was the company). I would have loved to stay there for another month or five.
I received a note last week from a colleague of Jim's and I really, really appreciated it. Thank you BF and best wishes to you and your wife on Baby #3. That note meant a lot to me. It's nice to know that even though life moves on, Jim is still thought of by others .... and missed by more than just me and the kids.
I went back to the grief support group tonight. I really don't know what makes me get in that car and drive to that meeting, because I don't really want to go. I ask myself the entire drive, "Why am I doing this? I don't want to sit in that room." But some other part of me that seems to be in control keeps driving and gets me out of the car, in spite of the deep sigh that the rest of me gives.
Anyway, it was OK. Not great, not horrible -- it just was. And it was sad. But then, most everything is at the moment.

That ice floe is looking better and better every day.

I ran away....

.... well, sort of. I'm at the beach for a couple of days. An unexpected trip tonight, but I figured it was needed. There's not a consistent Internet connection so I'm not sure when I'll post again. But let me leave you with a question -- stop groaning!!
Last night I had a strange dream: I was in a small boat (kyak or a row boat) out in the middle of the ocean... alone. Suddenly a huge blue whale ( the type, not the color) surfaced next to me. I was in awe of him and couldn't believe it. And then another one surfaced, and then another and another --- until suddenly there seemed to be almost 20 whales (give or take - could've been a lot more) surrounding me. I started to feel a little scared and wondered if I should be frightened of them or not -- they were enormous. I don't remember anything after that.
So here's my question: What, if anything, do you think that dream "meant"?
Discuss.

It took my breath away .....

..... how much he looks like Jim.
I did not cry. I couldn't breathe for a moment, but I did not cry. So yay for not embarrassing him on his prom night.
That's about it ..... tomorrow is the 18th. Five months. Sometimes it seems like last night, sometimes it seems like a lifetime.
An already-too-long lifetime.

This day I choose ....

.... to smile. The smile may feel numb, but it's there.

The first picture is of Jim & Daughter #1. This was one of the first in a long line of traditional photos. A very long line.
The second picture is also of Daughter #1. This one was taken right before we put a nipple on a beer bottle and sat it next to her for a picture. Yes, it may be in the "book".

So Son #2 is talking (aloud) about the military school. Yesterday he sent off for some info to the Marines. He's thinking maybe they'll come and get him. If only THAT were that easy! I expect our mailbox to be full of marine stuff over the next few years. Hoo-yah.
He's also been bragging to girls about how "hot" he'll look in uniform. I told him (after I threw up in my mouth a little) that I thought it might go against marine rules to try to seduce women while in uniform. Maybe not, but it should be.
Today was a very quiet day. Tonight Daughter #1, #3 and I are going to the opening night of Daughter #1's last play at this theatre. It's supposed to be funny.
Daughter #2 went back to Waco this morning to finish her last 2 finals. Those two professors gave her time off to go to Oklahoma and said she could take them after she came back --- when she was ready. See? Most of the people at the school are very compassionate and kind.
OK, that's it for today. I have to go change my clothes because Daughter #1 told me that I might stand out wearing flip flops. Excuse me? These are not flip flops! These are Coach sandals, dad gummit!!!
It would seem that she doesn't care about the brand, only how I will look standing next to her, with my huge neon sign that read's "I'm Daughter #1's MOM!!!!!!".
Pu-lease --- I have more class than that! I'm going to take the sign that says, "I'm with Stupid ----->"
:)

Not much left

The girls and I got home today. I am ....... I really don't know what I am. One moment I seem in control and the next moment I can't control anything, especially my tears. I thought I did pretty well this week. I spent time with my mother in law, I listened to her; I told her how much I loved her and what a great mom and grandmother she'd been. I told her that Jim was waiting for her and it was OK that she was ready to go. She told me how proud she was of our children and how much she loved us. She was so glad that I came to see her to say good bye. I held her hand as she breathed her last breath. And then I felt numb. Again. And we went home and I picked out a dress for her to wear and got the rest of her clothes together for the guys to take to the funeral home. We went grocery shopping and cleaned up a bit. We went to the florist and picked out flowers for the coffin and I picked out flowers from my children.
And then it was time to go. And I had a melt down. I felt, and still feel, so much guilt for leaving. Not from anyone but me. I felt like I should be there with the rest of the family and go through this with them. But I also felt guilty for wanting to stay and thus missing out on Son #1's prom. He's already had the most sucky senior year possible. I haven't been there for him as much as I should have. So I came home.
I want to run away. I want to go somewhere where there are no progress reports, no bills, no teacher calls, no orthodontic
appointments, no people disappointed with me (in my mind) or where there are no people sad for me. I want to just go and sit on a beach and read and have no clock. I want to go somewhere where I have no mixed feelings about things like working, or participating in things or making appointments.
I couldn't even go to the awards ceremony the Houston CPA association was having tonight. They were giving an award to Jim. So the oldest 4 went without me. And I feel guilty for that. I feel that the last bit of strength has been sapped out of my body and mind.
Thank you K, for bringing food over for Daughter #1. Thank you A, for bringing the boys and me dinner tonight and sitting with me. Thank you both for thinking of that. I feel like I'm back to January and I can't function again. I don't really even want to function.
And I'm sorry for this morbid and depressing post. I wish that I could fake happiness and humor and make everyone laugh. But the writing is beyond my control. It just comes. And it seems that I have to let it out or explode. Or die.
If only it were that easy.

Dancing

My awesome mother in law is now dancing with the awesome son she raised. Heaven is just a bit brighter tonight.

Here I am again.....

....sitting in a hospital, waiting to say good bye to someone I love.  Only this time I know that's what I'm doing.  No surprises, no shock --  no lies about 90%.  Not this time.  So why am I crying so hard?  Because it's her & not me? Yes, that's certainly part of it.  And for all of my family. We'd like the pain to stop.  Now.  So we wait.  She was able to finally speak to us today -- and she did-- a lot.  She told each of us how much she loved us , appreciated us and was proud of each of us.  One on one.  I made her promise to hug Jim very, very hard for me and to tell him I love him-- so very much.  She promised  to do that.  Then I told her the last thing I told Jim:   "I love you and I'll see you soon."                                         
This time I really know what I'm saying.

Another first

     As you can see, this is from our wedding.  Jim and his mom.  They will soon be together again.  I just read most of "90 Minutes in Heaven"...... he's waiting for her.  And they'll be waiting for me.  Some day.

     So today was my first Mother's Day without Jim.  I think I'm numb again.  Numb about everything.  Daughter #1 and I went to see "Made of Honor" while the boys went to another movie.  I took the two younger boys to see "Iron Man" yesterday.  I enjoyed both movies.  And the time with my kids.  

     It's been a quiet Mother's Day --- not much ado.  The kids made breakfast for me.  They're great cooks.  Now we're just hanging around the house and not really thinking about Mother's Day.

     Daughter #1 has nailed down her two apartments in Boston.  Yes, two.  One for June, July and August.  The other for August to ..... I'm not sure.  Whenever.  Anyway, she's excited and I am so excited for her.  I think we're both going up at the beginning of June and sightseeing around Boston and learning where everything is.  Plus getting her settled.  I will miss her.  A lot.  I know that she thinks this year of internship was in her plans, but I now know that it was totally God's plan --- to have her home with me this year.  And I thank Him.

     I'm leaving tomorrow for Okla.  Daughters #2 & #3 will drive up on Tuesday.  I have no idea how long we'll be up there.  As long as it takes, I guess.

  I was supposed to go to a CPA event on Thursday to accept an award in honor of Jim.  The older kids were going with me.  Now they'll go in place of me.  

     In other news, the school board election was yesterday.  Time, and people, marches on.  Jim has been replaced.  Kind of.  

     I've noticed something quite interesting.  I've thought I've adjusted as well as can be expected.  But I have to admit .... every time I see a man out biking, really biking -- you know, in the spandex and the bright colors and the helmet and the bike, I get a physical reaction.  I can hardly stand it.  I have to look away or I feel I might lose control of my car and slam into him.  

I think that's very strange.  They all look alike, which maybe explains it?  I haven't noticed that reaction with anything else that reminds me of Jim .... just the bikers.  And it really is physical.

Speaking of biking, this would have been Jim's third year to ride in the MS 150;  it's a ride from Houston to Austin (over 150 miles) over two days.  The KPMG team wore shirts that had his name on them -- in honor of him.  They sent me one of the jerseys.  It's really neat.  

     Son #1's senior prom is next Saturday --- another event that I forgot to include.  Another first.  I hope I don't embarrass him too much with the tears.  I'll try .... but I can't promise anything.  

     I feel as though I'm living in some kind of limbo.  In kind of a purgatory place, even though I'm not catholic.  I don't feel as though I'm really living here, in this life, or in my "after", either.  I'm in limbo.  I guess that's my body and mind's way of self-preservation.  Keeping me detached and numb.  I'm not sure why God has felt it necessary to just keep heaping coals onto my family and extended family, but we seem to be drowning in them.  I'd like to think that once we get past this next "event" then we'll be able to move on.  Wherever that is.  Whatever that looks like.   But I'm also afraid to hope that things will calm down .... that we'll have time to adjust to this "after".  So far, no time.  Not in the last 5 months, anyway.  Maybe one of these days God will take a nap and we'll get a breather.  Hopefully.

     I'm not sure what computer contact I will have while in Okla. so there may be no posts for awhile.  That doesn't mean that you can't reach out and comment.  Let me know that you're there and that you're praying.  We need lots and lots and lots of prayer.  This will be a difficult week.  To say the least.

     But on the very, very positive side ..... there will be an awesome reunion in Heaven this week.  I wish that I could be there.  I will be, in spirit.  I am so happy and excited for both of them.  

  How do people do this with no such hope and no such excitement?  I know where I'm going, without a shadow of a doubt.  And I can't wait.  And I cannot imagine the loneliness, hopelessness and darkness of someone who doesn't have Christ.  We need to get the word out --

I need to get the Word out.  

Life is too short.

Trust me.

Fifty two times a day

     This picture is from April 2005, Jim's dad's 80th birthday.  This is his family -- his parents and his siblings.  

It's a great family.

     Before I get into the depressing part of this post (you've been warned -- turn back while you can.  I wish I could.) I thought I'd ask a question.  This is for all of you cat owners (or former cat owners) out there:  Is it just my cats or do they all poop FIFTY TWO TIMES A DAY??????  OK, so I exaggerate, it's really only 47.  But oh my gosh, what the heck is with that?!!!  I clean out that litter box AT LEAST 3 times a day (yes, if they poop 47 times then only 3 cleanings IS totally disgusting).  And here's the thing that tops that in their quest to drive me crazy (and no, I'm not paranoid ..... the kids have enlisted the cats in this quest!) ------ every single time I clean out that box (EVERY-SINGLE-TIME) they climb right in and poop.  EVERYSINGLETIME!!!!!

They hear me cleaning it, run in, sit and wait and almost before I can get out of the way they are in there taking a dump!!!  I know this is so crude, but I'm going nuts.  Now I clean it and just stand there with the bag and wait.  And then clean it again.  

So .... is it just my "not the brightest crayons in the box" cats, or do they all do that.

Oh, and another thing --- George is losing his hair.  He has a bald spot on his head and it seems to be getting bigger.  Ever heard of that?  Does this warrant a trip to the vet?  I have warned him that if he loses all of his hair he's out of here.  I cannot have a bald cat.  Especially one named after you-know-who.  That will NOT make me smile.

Yes, my love is conditional.  Just be glad you're not one of my kids.

    Now back on to the roller coaster of my life.  I may jump off of it on the next loop-de-loop.  My mother in law has continued to go down hill.  So we, as a family, spoke to her doctor on Wednesday and decided that we are going to let her go.  Which means that she will be sedated and the respirator turned off.  There were many phone calls to make and many questions to ask.  We had decided to set the date this weekend, which would give my brother in law, his family, and me time to get to Oklahoma "before".  

     Some have expressed disagreement with my decision to go.  But it's my decision.  I want to see her "before".  I want to talk to her and tell her how hard to hug Jim for me when she sees him.  I want to tell her that I'm so excited for her and for him.  I won't tell her how horribly jealous I am of her.  Horribly.  And then I want to be there until the "after".  I want to be with Jim's siblings and their dad.  I've done this before --- with a very good friend.  It's not the same, I know, but I want to do this.  And then I want to come home.  I do not plan to stay for the funeral.  I want to be there for her and for them and then leave.  There will be plenty of people after that.  Most of my children want to stay home .... and so they will.  Daughters #2 & #3 want to go, so we're trying to see how it works with their finals.  

     While we are trying to make sense of this and trying to make some kind of plans, God has thrown a kink into it (what a shock).  Last night one of her lungs collapsed.  So now we're not sure if we still have the time to "plan".  As I told someone recently, I know, better than most people, that my plans don't count for squat.  So we shall tentatively make plans, knowing that they could all blow up at any time.

     I'm leaving for Oklahoma on Monday, to get in at the same time as J & L & S.  I had planned to spend Mother's Day weekend (or really, avoid it) at the lake with the kids.  But now we're staying home, closer to the airport in case I need to leave earlier.

I have no return ticket.  

     I also decided to take a leave of absence from work.  I need to slow down and stop being too busy to think.  It's time to think.  And I only have a month left with Daughter #1 before she heads off so I want to spend as much time as possible with her.  

     And I just need to rest and not feel the need to "perform" or make decisions about things or other people.  

     I guess I just need to "be".  And be there for my kids ..... while we're all together.  

I plan on returning once everyone's back in school in August.  I hope they'll still have me.  I will miss the contact and smiles of the people with whom I work.  They are some of the best people I know and I love them.  But we tend to see less of each other over the summer anyway, so hopefully the timing is good.

     Let's see .... I think that's it.  I think that's enough.  Actually, it's been more than enough for a long time now.  

     I wish I could be someone else for a while.  I'm not sure who.  Maybe I'll look into having one of those "out of body experiences".  

   I wonder if I'd find that in the yellow pages?  Or Google?

I may or may not keep you posted.

Please send up lots and lots of prayers --- for all of us.

And thank you.

Numb and number

     This picture is from 2003 -- Son #1's Confirmation.  Jim's parents are on either side of Son #1 (and then we're on either side of them).

  

     That's all for now.  Maybe for a day or so.  

     We'll see.

With a little help from my friends

     This picture is from 1988, our first trip to Europe (and our first trip away from the girls).  They were 3 and 1 and 1.  And the twins were not walking yet.  I made my mother in law swear that she would put bricks on their heads so that they couldn't walk before I came home.  We were gone 2 weeks.  One week too many -- for me, anyway.  And for Daughter #1.  Anyway, it was a fun, though long trip.

     Today was a good friend day.  I went to work and then to a movie ("21") with J.  Then she and her wonderful hubby, Dr. J., came over so that he could give me a steroid shot in the shoulder, which turned into two of the most dreadful shots I've ever had (and I'm counting epidurals here!).  I had no idea how bad this would hurt, which is probably a good thing.  And I didn't know that he was going to do two of them until he got here and mentioned it might be necessary.  When he was done I told him that I no longer liked him.  He said I'd love him in a couple of days.  He'd better be right!  Don't tell him, but I love him anyway.  And his lovely wife.

     Then another wonderful friend, CG, came over and fixed us dinner.  She brought everything with her and she did a fabulous job!  Di and K came over to join us.  We had great food and good wine and it was very, very nice.  

     I.  Love.  My.  Friends.

Oh so much.

     This is Son #2 with his first catch this weekend --- with the casting net.  Go figure.  He was quite pleased as this catch brought in about 6 fish all together.

And then he cast the net a second time.........

Oh -- My -- Gosh!!!  This fish was at least 12 pounds!  It was the biggest fish we've had at the lake.  And he did it with a net!!  

He was very glad that he came to the lake.

     He and I had a talk on Sunday and he's been awesome since then.  Of course, he is a teenage boy and things change, but ......... I love him and that won't change.

     Tomorrow is my mother in law's birthday.  Not much change except for slowly going down hill.  It will be a sucky birthday.

     OK, now it's time for me to turn my attention back to something I never thought I'd have on my computer --- Quicken.  Sigh.