At Home ....

I am home.

Yes I am.

Not in box.

Not in a tram.

Not in a car.

Not in a train.

Not in a taxi.

But in a plane.

I am glad .... to be home.

Once I was on the plane and buckled in ..... I felt that it was OK to take off the mask.  And be relieved.

And so I was.

It's hard to be in the "happiest place on earth" ..... when you know you are not.  Not by a long shot.

Gabby seems pleased to see me .... which is nice.

The 2nd floor is coming along .... which is nice.

The bills have piled up .... which is not nice, but is life.

And things are moving along at work .... which is very nice.  My job makes me feel normal.  It makes me feel needed.  It makes me feel ...... like I make a difference.

I don't feel that in my every day life ...... even/especially ...  at home.  

My kids are grown/more than halfway grown.  

It feels like I have done what I can.  It feels like Jim did what he could.

The rest is up to God.

And sometimes ..... if I were to be very, very honest ..... that is a bit scary.

Because leaving things up to God hasn't gone the way I would have chosen during the past 18 months or so.

But maybe that's just me.

On the speechless-news .... I received an e-mail from Michele, the founder of Soaring Spirits and the Widow's Voice blog, that my post yesterday  was chosen by Blogher as their "post of the day".  I'm not sure why and I am a bit speechless (hard to believe, I know).  But there ya go. Something unexpected ..... which came at a very, very good time.  I needed the unexpected tonight.  And I'm grateful that Michele had the time to let me know.  

I write for that blog every Wednesday, but it's sometimes difficult to gage how I'm doing.  There are very few comments on that blog .... so it's hard to know if I'm connecting with other widows.  So today was a boost ... out of the blue.  And I am grateful.  It didn't feel like a "post of the day" .... it just felt like me .... as usual ... vomiting up on the keyboard.  

So there you go ..... you never know where your true, honest feelings will lead.  Sometimes ..... not just in the toilet.

Go figure.

On the positive front .... I've paid the bills, I'm doing the laundry, I'm kind of unpacked .... and yet still packed ...... the dog has been fed, the boys are relatively happy .... and I am getting ready to watch the "Ellen" show that my Mom taped for me today ..... because "George" was on it.  Thank you to my sister, who called my Mom to let her know .... and thank you to my Mom, who taped it.

So my Peeps, as much as I love you ..... I am now going to watch and adore George .... and know that he has just not met the woman (i.e. ME) of his dreams ..... yet.

Have a good evening .......

And thanks for praying me through this vacation.  I needed it. 

And you delivered.

Thank you.