My life changed drastically and permanently on December 18, 2007.
Nothing is the same.
Nothing.
I am not the same.
I will never be the same.
And I'm finally OK with that (I'm not so sure that everyone else is).
My children are not the same.
And I'm OK with that, too.
I don't have to like it, but I'm OK with it.
My home doesn't feel the same.
My activities don't feel the same.
My routine is not the same.
My thoughts and my feelings are not the same.
There is not one damn thing in my life that feels the same.
Not one.
And most days .... I'm OK with that.
However there are those days when that total difference rips into my gut and into my heart.
There are those days when I crave sameness .... when I feel as if I will die from all of the differences.
But .... nothing changes. Life goes on.
The differences remain.
The newest difference in my life is love.
It. Is. Not. The. Same.
Not at all.
I have to keep reminding myself of that.
It can't be the same.
He is not Jim.
I am not the Janine I was.
Some days .... I am very sad for that difference.
But most days .... I'm OK with it.
Because it has to be.
Our relationship would not work, would not grow, if I expected the same.
So I move forward, somedays with more tears than smiles, but most days with more smiles than tears.
And I cling to the fact that both hurts and heals me:
...... it's not the same.
12 comments:
Janine, I think you are doing fine. For those who don't like the change in you, that is thier problem. You just keep looking up and holding on to the One who loves you the most and likes you as you are, changes and all. He is the only One who matters.
So glad that there is a good change in you life!
I liked those thoughts Janine and resonate with them. After my first wife passed and I began dating Ann my 11 year old daughter asked me how I could love someone other than her mom. I told her that the heart has room to love more than one person.. it was difficult for her to understand.. in hindsight I think I would have tried to listen a bit more to her concerns and give her more time to process Ann's entry.
Wow... I can't believe that we are feeling almost the exact same way. I would give anything to have the old me, my old life, and Shawn back with me. However, I know that I can't. Like you I've accepted that, and I'm okay with that. But to have one thing in my life that is the same as it was on August 18, 2008 would be amazing.
Feel free to email me about all of the new that is going on with you. I would love to hear about it. Maybe we can bounce thoughts and ideas off of each other.
Hope all is going well and know that I'm thinking about you.
I'm sure C feels the same way. He has just had longer to process it. He can't be Jim and you can't be Michelle...nor should you each try to be. Two wounded souls who have found each other is a very beautiful thing! Wishing you all the best in this new season of your life!
Janine, before I found your blog I would think about what would happen to me if I lost my husband. Now I sort of know. It would be as awful as I thought but I would also be okay. It's something I have wondered about a lot because we have lost friends who were young with wives and children. I see that they are moving on and are okay like you. I try not to worry about what might or could happen now. If it does happen I will be devastated like you but I know that I will be okay like you too.
I am rooting for you Janine! I wish you happiness, love, companionship and hope. You have come a long way baby!
Kim (Canada)
I'm glad you're finally sort of okay with your 'new normal'. I have a friend in her 70s who just lost her husband, and she keeps saying, "I just have to get back to my routine" and 'back to normal' and things like that...and I just know that her life will never be 'normal' again.
Your writing tonight, once again, is heartfelt, insightful and honest. So good to know there are now more smiles than tears! And that love, though different, is one of those reasons to smile!
I love you, Vicki
T.A.N.W.
I am so pleased to read that your "new normal" is keepin' on, keepin' on. New love is not, CANNOT be the same as that previous love. And your attitude that you are okay with that and are aware of that, will, I hope, encourage other widowed folks to let their hearts open, when the time is right for them. As usual, {{HUGS}} from me in Tampa.
T.A.N.W. here either.
Just, I love you.
Hi Janine,
A random question,
In that photo is D1 wearing the same dress as D3? Or do the twins look different? They don't look as identical there as in other photos, but I think that it's D1 in the back?
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