Bubbling Over ....

.... is what my emotions keep doing this week.
Every time I talk to Son #2, or think about S, I cry.
I hurt so badly for her.
And I hurt for Son #2 as he walks beside her, on a path very much like the one he walked 4 years and 3 months ago.

Even if I'm not actively thinking about her, and him, it doesn't take much for some spot deep within me to be touched, and then I'm bubbling over with tears.

It's not just this sudden and personal death .... I think that just triggered more emotions about many other things.
You know, those things that, when they occur, you glance at, square your shoulders and then move forward, thinking, "OK.  That's just one more thing that I didn't see coming.  One more thing that was not in my picture of my future."
Sometimes, those things need a bit more time given to them .... before you move forward.

Because then a big thing happens, like a death that's close to you, and suddenly all of those things you thought you dealt with as you moved forward .... come slamming back into you.
All at once.

That's my week.
Well, my week so far.  It's only Wednesday.

This is our Spring Break.  Son #1 is coming to the lake today (he should be here any moment) so I came up this morning.  Son #3 came, too, but he has to leave tomorrow to go to work.  But hopefully the two of them will get as much boating time together as possible.  In spite of the weather.
I love seeing my kids together .... because it's so rare these days.  I love watching them have fun and goofing off.  It seems these days they have more fun together than they did when they were small.  Which is, of course, natural as they grow older.

This is an odd Spring Break.
I feel so out of sorts.
So out of sorts, in fact, that I forgot to write my post for today's Widow's Voice.  I remembered as I was driving up here.  When I could stop I texted Michele in a panic.  She, being the lovely friend that she is, was in the midst of writing one for me.  She knows this week is difficult.  I think she could see this coming.
Thank God for widowed friends who really can see things coming for each other.

The funeral is Saturday morning at 10:00.
And then we have a wedding to attend at noon.
Ironic, no?
And emotionally gut wrenching?  Yes.

After the reception I'm driving up to spend the evening and Sunday with Daughters 2 & 3.  I haven't seen them in too long.  And my heart hurts for how much it misses them.
But, such is life.

Jim and I raised each of our children (well, "raised" 4 out of 6 before he died) to be independent.  When I have spoken before groups of young moms I tell them that God has only given us these small human beings for a short time.  In fact, He's really just loaning them to us.  And expecting us to do the best job we can.
I tell them that my goal, as a mother, has never been to be their friend, but just their mother.  And my job is to raise them and then get them out of the house.
There's much laughter at that statement but it really is true.  I want to raise them so that each one of them can stand on his/her own two feet when they leave.  They each know how to clean a toilet, do their laundry, do well at a job, etc.  I'm raising them so that one day I'll have daughter-in-laws who will say, "Thank you for teaching him how to clean, cook, and treat a woman."  I hope that I'll hear that one day.  And I hope that I'll have son-in-laws who will say that their wives learned how to respect, love and honor their husbands.
As well as know when it's time to get the oil changed in their car.

I'm not saying I've done a great job.  Far from it.
But that's been our/my goal.
Only time will tell.
So it's a happy/sad thing that my children are being exactly what we raised them to be .... independent.
Happy because it's what they need to be successful adults.  Sad because I don't get to spend as much time with them as I'd like.
But happy again, because each of them is happy and doing something they enjoy.  And they're all working very, very hard.
They have turned (and hopefully are turning) into wonderful adults.
And I know Jim feels the same way.

OK, this post is a perfect example of my bubbling over, out of sorts, emotional state.
I just rambled all over the place.

And now I'll stop.
Thank you for all of your comments and prayers.  You cannot now the depth to which they have touched our hearts.
Please keep them coming.

Thanks, Peeps .... and happy Wednesday/Spring Break.
:)