picture from here
..... that yet again, I never saw coming.
I have no idea where it came from, nor why it chose to hit now.
Especially since I haven't experienced a wave in more time since I can remember.
Yes, they still come, though they come only a few times a year now. Thankfully.
But when they come, they are still powerful.
They still come to me by complete surprise, sneaking up on my while my eyes are on the shore, not scanning the horizon, watching for them, like in the old days.
They still have the power to knock me to my knees, and to threaten to pull me under with their powerful undertow.
But I am stronger now. My legs may go out from under me, but I will not be pulled out to sea so easily.
I may stay on my knees for a while, but I will not be beaten by this wave.
And that is a very important thing to know.
Four years ago, or three, I would not have said that. I could not have said that.
The waves that hit me relentlessly, one after another, did threaten to pull me out to sea.
And after so many waves .... I wanted to be pulled out.
I was beyond exhausted.
I had no strength left.
Or so I thought.
But here I am ..... a few years later, not doubting at all the strength that is within me.
And I guess that that is the point of my words today.
To tell you .... you who are months, weeks or even days out from this horrible event ..... that even though the waves do come this far out ..... they come far more infrequently .... and they will not pull you under.
Because you will become stronger day by day, month by month, year by year.
No, you cannot imagine it now..... where you are.
But I promise you, though I could never have imagined it either, here I am.
I'm sad.
I'm missing him.
I'm missing what our family was "before".
I'm missing so very much.
And I'm struggling.
In spite of being loved the way Jim loved me.
In spite of ....
The waves still come.
But I will survive.
This wave does not have the power the earlier ones had.
I suppose that waves will always come.
No matter how many years go by.
No matter who's in my life.
No matter how much I am loved and how much I love.
I will always miss that man and what we had.
I will always miss what we never had the chance to have.
But I will continue to get stronger.
And so will you.
Trust me.
1 comment:
Hi Janine - how did you know that I desperately needed to hear this? I want to believe what you are saying - I really do. I feel like this: I'm on a raft out at sea. Some days it is flat calm and I float freely and can breathe (I haven't had one yet but I know I will). MOST days it is rough as shit, and I am barely hanging on. I am told that eventually I will float onto shore - but it will never be the same shore I started out on. I so desparately want to go back to that shore I started on. I know there are so many people praying for me - but the only place I feel safe right now is behind my walls at home. Out here in the real world, it is not safe.
I am reading a daily grief meditation journal that my sister sent to me (she lost her son 8 years ago and it helped her). Somne days it is spot on how I am feeling. People keep trying to get me to do things - and I keep pushing them away. This is my reality - my new normal. My son is gone - only 4 short weeks ago I talked to him. He sent me a birthday card. I am permanently stuck on March 1st and can't seem to get moving again. Is that normal?
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