Grief Feels like An Atom Bomb .....

.... with after effects that still sometimes come in waves .... even though years have passed.  I guess there will always be those effects.  How can you lose half of yourself and not feel effected in some way for the rest of your life?  I wish I had the answer.  And I wish it was, "You won't always feel the effects.  You won't always love or remember."

But I know better.  I know that I will feel some effects until the day I die (which, I'd love to say, I hope comes sooner, rather than later, but people tend to freak out when you say something like that, no matter how true it is, so I will refrain from saying it.  How's that for restraint?).   :)

I have felt such after effects in the past few months.

I'd like to forget about the past month or so and the things I've learned that I never wish I'd had to learn.  I learned that some people are not the people they pretend to be.  I've learned that some friends,  with whom you thought you'd be close to forever, tend to drop out of your life completely.  I've known several widows this has happened to.  But it took over 4 years (mostly) for me to experience this.  And experience it I did.

I've lost friends who seemed to believe that I should have stayed exactly the same.  They were more comfortable with that Janine.  She wasn't widowed, which I guess sometimes feels contagious.  She was also happier, so she was easier to deal with than the Janine who's here now.  They're not sure what to do with her.  And so they do nothing.  No phone calls, no invites.  I am expected to be the one who calls.  I'm the one who's expected to invite myself over.   So I do, and I have, and now it makes me feel pathetic, so I won't.  

I hope their absence from me keeps their husbands alive longer, but I somehow don't think that has anything to do with it.

This has been a sad few weeks for me.  I've had to make decisions that are not popular with people who think they know better.  People who think they know my children better than I do.  People who make judgements in the name of "love".  That's not love.

And so I'm finding myself with fewer and fewer friends.

I think it's getting close to the time when I will need to move.   I need to let go of some people and many expectations and judgements.  I, too, need to let go of the past and go out and find a new future.

I'm not sure where I will go, though I wish I could leave soon.  But I have promised Son #3 that I won't move until he leaves for college.  And so I won't.  But after that ..... after that I expect to be out of here as soon as possible.

Life has changed.

My life changed, as it was going to do, no matter how much I didn't want that to happen.  And when someone's life changes, they tend to lose friends.  Friends they thought would be there through thick and thin, but for whatever reason, cannot.

And now I understand why so many widowed people move out of small communities.  The pain is too much.  Not the pain of losing a spouse, though that is the worst of it.  But the pain of rejection .... and judging.  Many people are certain they would've mourned in a much better way.  Maybe a classier way?  Or an all-inclusive way.

I didn't get the hand book on grieving for Jim.  I didn't get the handbook on showing my children how to grieve in the best way for each of them.  I must've still been at the hospital, saying goodbye to Jim's body when those books were handed out.

But I think it's superb that I have "friends" who know, without a doubt, how I should've grieved.  Who know how they would've grieved, if it had happened to them.

I wonder if I should put out a "Friends Wanted" sign?

Or maybe, "New Experiences Needed"?

I'm not sure how to start, but I'll keep you posted.

In between telling you stories, that is.

:)

Happy Weekend, Peeps.