At Home ....

I am home.

Yes I am.

Not in box.

Not in a tram.

Not in a car.

Not in a train.

Not in a taxi.

But in a plane.

I am glad .... to be home.

Once I was on the plane and buckled in ..... I felt that it was OK to take off the mask.  And be relieved.

And so I was.

It's hard to be in the "happiest place on earth" ..... when you know you are not.  Not by a long shot.

Gabby seems pleased to see me .... which is nice.

The 2nd floor is coming along .... which is nice.

The bills have piled up .... which is not nice, but is life.

And things are moving along at work .... which is very nice.  My job makes me feel normal.  It makes me feel needed.  It makes me feel ...... like I make a difference.

I don't feel that in my every day life ...... even/especially ...  at home.  

My kids are grown/more than halfway grown.  

It feels like I have done what I can.  It feels like Jim did what he could.

The rest is up to God.

And sometimes ..... if I were to be very, very honest ..... that is a bit scary.

Because leaving things up to God hasn't gone the way I would have chosen during the past 18 months or so.

But maybe that's just me.

On the speechless-news .... I received an e-mail from Michele, the founder of Soaring Spirits and the Widow's Voice blog, that my post yesterday  was chosen by Blogher as their "post of the day".  I'm not sure why and I am a bit speechless (hard to believe, I know).  But there ya go. Something unexpected ..... which came at a very, very good time.  I needed the unexpected tonight.  And I'm grateful that Michele had the time to let me know.  

I write for that blog every Wednesday, but it's sometimes difficult to gage how I'm doing.  There are very few comments on that blog .... so it's hard to know if I'm connecting with other widows.  So today was a boost ... out of the blue.  And I am grateful.  It didn't feel like a "post of the day" .... it just felt like me .... as usual ... vomiting up on the keyboard.  

So there you go ..... you never know where your true, honest feelings will lead.  Sometimes ..... not just in the toilet.

Go figure.

On the positive front .... I've paid the bills, I'm doing the laundry, I'm kind of unpacked .... and yet still packed ...... the dog has been fed, the boys are relatively happy .... and I am getting ready to watch the "Ellen" show that my Mom taped for me today ..... because "George" was on it.  Thank you to my sister, who called my Mom to let her know .... and thank you to my Mom, who taped it.

So my Peeps, as much as I love you ..... I am now going to watch and adore George .... and know that he has just not met the woman (i.e. ME) of his dreams ..... yet.

Have a good evening .......

And thanks for praying me through this vacation.  I needed it. 

And you delivered.

Thank you.

At the Airport ....

We are at the Orlando airport .... killing time (lucky time).

Thankfully this airport has free wifi.  If it didn't I probably would have killed one or both Sons by now, but they have been happily ensconced in front of their computers since we arrived.  They weren't able to use them on the ship because SOMEBODY would not share her minutes.  Not even to lose the title of "Meanest Mom on Earth" ..... no stinkin' way.  I was accused of being horrible. I accepted the title with pride, knowing that my horribleness was another means of keeping my sanity and thus, saving their lives yet again.

They have now taken a break to go have their (at least Son #2's) second favorite fast-food meal .... Burger (gag) King.  Taco Bell reigns supreme.  I used to abhor Taco Bell .... back in the days when I lived where civilized people get the opportunity to eat at Taco Bueno ..... and Braums.

But hey .... you get used to it when it's all you've got.  

    We just found out that our plane will be delayed.  I find it interesting that two and a half hours before it's supposed to leave, they know it will be delayed.  They don't say why .... just that they are awaiting the inbound flight.  Seriously?  I mean, it's 12:37 and we're not supposed to leave until 2:50 (now 3:22) so I think it's only fit and proper that we are awaiting the inbound flight, but then .... what do I know?

     Leaving the ship did not take nearly as long as I had anticipated (there I go again .... having expectations).  Had I known that Disney is a lot quicker about this than some of the other cruise lines I would have chosen a much earlier flight.  From my previous experience I was trying to make sure we didn't miss a flight home.  No worries on that, it would seem.

     I tried to get us switched to an earlier flight, but it would seem that our lovely Homeland Security frowns upon people not flying on the same plane as their luggage.  That's probably a good rule .... unless it involves me.

Disney took our bags last night and that's the last time we were to see then until we land in Houston.  Very convenient and also very good at expediting your departure off of the ship. Well, very convenient as long as you don't want to get onto a different flight.  Then it stinks.

     Had I thought very long about it .... I most likely would have tried to lie my way onto another plane.  I'm not sure the ticket agent would have bought the whole, "yes, we just came back from a cruise and all we took was these 4 small backpacks cuz we travel very light" story.

Oh well .... good to know in case there's ever a next time.  Or in case one of you makes this journey and needs to know all of this ahead of time.

So what have we learned?

1.  Don't book an afternoon flight after your Disney cruise. -- or --

2.  Keep your bags with you.  --or--

3.  Lie like crazy to get on an earlier flight.

So, Peeps .... since I'm stuck at this airport for a few more hours .... and am thrilled to have free wifi myself, I will answer the two questions that came in this week ..... or technically 3, since RJ asked two in one.

Dawn ..... I think that I am indeed free on the first weekend in October so now I need to make plans to get to Tulsa.  It was the 2nd weekend that I was thinking of.

RJ ..... I used to watch "Grey's Anatomy" ..... before I returned from Kenya.  And then I found it very, very irritating because all Meredith Grey seemed to do was whine.  After coming back from Africa .... my whine-toleration limit was much lower than before I went.

I also used to watch "Brothers and Sisters" ..... the first season, but since then I've gotten a bit lost and don't know what's going on anymore.  

While my TV seems to be on a lot (though now a lot less than it used to), I rarely watch it anymore (unless it's "30 Rock").  I can't seem to keep up with on-going story lines.  I try to DVR some shows, but usually end up just deleting them because they start piling up and I don't like things piling up.

Maybe I need professional help.

     OK, I will stop boring you all now ..... or entertaining you, depending upon your life and how much of one you actually have (hey, I think it's perfectly OK to not have one ..... look at mine!).

I think I will roam the airport and see if there's any last-minute Mickey item that I cannot live without.

     If our flight is delayed I will have to make another post.  Either that or you will most likely see me on the evening news ..... or on the show "Airline", or whatever that Southwest reality show is ..... which would be really, really bad because I'm not flying Southwest.

     Check ya later, Peeps.  Oh ..... and someone remind me to tell you how OBSESSIVELY compulsive Disney Cruise Line is about cleanliness and germs.  Walt must've been just a shade away from Howard Hughes ..... not to cast any aspersions on anyone .....

I'm just sayin' ...........

     

     

Last Day of Vacation ....

These 2 pictures are from previous family vacations.  Way back when.  The first one of all of the kids was around 2000, give or take. 

     This is Jim and Son #2 (note the joy pouring out of Son #2's body) on our 2003 vacation:

     So today was our last day .... a full day at sea.

I left the cabin around 9:00 this morning and didn't really see much of the boys until close to dinner time.  (I decided last night that I'd just let today "happen" and let them hang out doing whatever they wanted to do.  That way there were no expectations of "together" time, which was OK.)

Son #3 got up early, went to breakfast, and then came back to bed as I was leaving. 

I think Son #2 got up around noon.

I caught sight of him one time this afternoon on the ship, as he was on his way to harass some teenage girls, most likely.

I saw Son #3 later in the day .... I think he was on is way back to the cabin.

I just hung around one pool and then another throughout the day, and read.  

At one point I went to the side of the ship to read/snooze in the breezy shade.  

I hit the "adult pool" when I needed quiet time.

There is a time and a place in everyone's life for an "adult pool".

Trust me.

So tomorrow we go home.

I think we're all ready.

It's been a very "different" vacation.

Less enjoyable than I had anticipated.

More "work" than I had anticipated.

More painful than I had anticipated.

Not the fault of Disney World ..... or the cruise.  Not at all.

It's just me.

And my definition of "vacation", which has now changed .... as have my expectations.

Yet again.

But .... I did it.

Another "first".  

Our first family vacation in our "after".  

Not sure when we'll have another one.  This one required way too much mask-wearing.

It required way too much of a lot of things.

I look forward to really relaxing next week at J & L's.  Before the Soaring Spirits Conference.

I think it will be a good week ..... and I pray that it will be a good weekend.  

I'm looking forward to finally meeting many friends face-to-face.

And not having to wear a single mask.

But first .... I have to go home, do laundry, enroll Son #2 back into high school, fill out Son #3's health form before he leaves for camp on Sunday, make sure he gets his laundry and packing done, grocery shop for Son #2 and my mom, catch up on bills and paperwork, re-pack,

and try not to forget anything ...... all before I leave again on Sunday.

I think I'm tired ....

Day 3 at Sea ....

Happy Tuesday, Peeps.

Tomorrow is Wednesday, but I think we'll just skip the whole "Ask Me Wednesday" tradition, unless of course you have some burning questions that you need to ask just to maintain your sanity.

This morning the boys and I raced off of the ship to make it to the catamaran and snorkeling trip on time ..... only to find out when we got there that the trip had been cancelled.  It seems that the waters outside of the bay were too rough for several of the excursions.

I really didn't mind it being cancelled ... I just wish that they could've told us it was cancelled before we raced off of the ship.

So Son #2 decided to go hang out on the "teen beach", Son #3 decided to do a bike tour of the island.  And I hit the beach.

After Son #3's bike ride he came and sat with me for a while and swam a bit.  Then he decided to go back to the ship to hang out for the rest of the day.  I,then, decided to go hang out on the "adults only" beach.  No, that does not mean it was "clothing optional".  That just meant that no one under the age of 18 was allowed to be there, which was very nice.

I had gotten a bit tired of hearing parents yelling at their children and children yelling at children on the "family beach"during the first part of the day.

I returned to the ship around 4:00.  

It was a relaxing, though lonely, day.

It still amazes me how alone I can feel among thousands of people.  Especially among thousands of people.

Tomorrow is our last day ..... a day at sea.  I hope to just sit by the pool and relax and drink several fruity, frozen drinks.  And read.

And try to enjoy the last few hours, rather than be sad about them.

It's time for me to make new traditions, instead of being sad for the loss of the old ones.

Easier said than done, but it's either do that or jump off of the nearest railing.

Jumping would be easier ..... so very much so, but I'm known to be a stubborn person, so I guess I cannot choose the easy way.  

I'm glad that we never did a Disney cruise as a family .... it makes it a little easier to handle.

I wish the girls were here .... they are much easier for me to travel with than the boys, whom I can't seem to get a handle on.  Son #3 is now at that teenage male stage where he looks totally ticked much of the time ..... which frustrates both of us.  

Again .... it would be SO much easier to jump.

OK .... that's it for tonight.

Take care of yourselves Peeps ...... and please keep praying.

:)

Day 2 At Sea ...

So woke on in the Bahamas today ... in Nassau.  

The two sons and I went on our excursion to Atlantis.  We had a full day of water slides, a mile-long lazy river .... and getting caught in a huge rain storm.

What is it with this cruise and monsoons?!

Anyway, my first though upon looking out on this island was one of sadness.  Jim and  I came here on our honeymoon.  To Paradise Beach.  I still have a framed picture of that trip.  The beach has changed a great deal in 25 years.

There was no "Atlantis" at that time.

So in started out as sad, but then I thought, "I've never seen this resort with Jim, so this trip will be different.  It will mine and the boys'."  And so it was.  And we did have a mostly good time.  Except for the moment when the monsoon came ...... just as we got near the end of the the very long line on top of a tower for a water slide.  Seriously?  Yes ... just as we got to the top the rain started.  And by rain I mean the sideways slamming of rain into your body that stings.  A lot.

So they kicked everyone off of the tower, very much like the way the kicked us all out of the pool area at the pool the day before at Disney World.  

We climbed back down the tower and the two sons found protection in the water (because I guess the sideways rain and lightening wasn't enough to clear ALL of the pools ... go figure .... while I huddled on a beach chair, under a small umbrella, trying to keep my already soaked body as dry as possible.  No, I don't know why ..... just female instinct?  Go figure.

Anyway, after half an hour or so the storm passed and Son #3 came and waved me back towards the tower, which we re-climbed and then got on a straight-down, in the dark, slide.  I think I moaned for the first 30 seconds or so of what seemed to be my certain-doom.

We then went down another steep slide, around the not-so-lazy-river again and then climbed up another towner to go down a glassed-in slide that went under water amid sharks.  You got to watch them all around and over you while you went through the slide.  It was very cool.  Very.

After the shark slide it was time to gather up our belongings and head back to the boat.  We were pooped.

And so we did.

We hung out around the boat for a while .... I walked around and took some pictures of Nassau and the ship, and then we got ready for dinner.  Tonight was "formal night"  Whatever that means anymore.

And yes, the small, but ever-so-pleasant family of 3 showed up tonight.  We must be entertainment too good to pass up.  Especially because we're free.

By the way .... the whole "singles mingle" thing last night was a bust.  This is not for me.  My mind knows that I am technically "single", but my heart does not.  All it did was miss Jim and kept thinking how much fun.

And I did seem to be among the oldest people there .... and the only one not divorced.

It was not fun.  Not by a long shot .... but hey, at least i tried it. And that' something.

 

Tomorrow is another full day at a Disney-owned private island.  The Sons and I are going snorkeling and just hanging out and relaxing.

Until then, my Peeps ..... thanks for praying.

At Sea ... Day 1 ....

Well, I've been trying for well over half an hour to upload just two pictures for you from today, but at 75 cents a minute for internet ..... I now quit.

You'll have to wait until I get back home for pics, Peeps.

  It is now 12:45 a.m. and I am sitting out on the balcony outside of our room.  Son #3 is sound asleep and Son #2 is off with some teens .... hopefully having fun and not getting into trouble.

The moon is almost full.  We're going at a good clip.  There's a nice breeze out here.  The water is very dark ..... and very, very calming.  Very.

  I am learning that, even when I don't think I have expectations, I sometimes do.

I will never again have the kind of "vacation" that I used to have.  No matter how much I plan, or how much I spend ..... it's not the same.  He is not here.

And that changes everything.

     I am thankful that the kids are older and that we wouldn't have had too many more "family vacations" with all of them, anyway.  

What we had will have to be enough.  Hopefully for them ..... most certainly for me.

     We got on the ship shortly after 1:00 this afternoon.  Everything is pleasant enough and the food is good.

The boys seem to be enjoying it, for the most part.  It's still early.

Tomorrow we go to Atlantis on Nassau, and I hope that we have fun.  It will be a full, active day.

    We are sitting at a table (for dinner) with another family of three, only they are legitimately a family of 3:  a father, a mother and a 14 year old daughter.  Even with only 2 children at my side I think we overwhelmed them tonight.  What only-girl-child would not be overwhelmed amid two of three boy children-of-6 children?!

I wonder if they'll show up for dinner tomorrow?  If I were a betting woman .... I'd say no.  We shall see.

Two years ago this would have been a blast of a vacation!  Two years ago we would've all been here, most likely.

But now it's 18 moths ago .... and things are not what they were ..... or what we want.  So we, the survivors, keep moving forward ..... trying to make things normal.

Hoping to get the normal that we so very much desire and expect.

Every day is an exercise on letting go of expectations and learning what our "new normal" is.

It's now Day 2 at sea ..... since I fell asleep before finishing this last night.

We're off to Nassau.  

Nothing will be normal.

No expectations.

I'll keep you posted.

By the way, the water is gorgeous!

     

     

Happy 4th ....

   So today was our last full day at Disney.

We all slept in ..... some (guess who?) slept WAY in.  

I went to the pool this morning ..... feeling way better than yesterday.  Still a bit wobbly, but no hurling.  Yay for no hurling.

     I hung out at the pool through a brief rain storm .... just sat through it since I was already wet.  Then the sun came back out, intensely, and everyone was dry in no time.  But then a storm threatened again, this time with lightening and thunder so they kicked everyone away from the pool area.

The entire area.

Which is a HUGE area!

By this time Son #3 was already back at the parks .... happily riding away.  Son #2 had found an arcade so he was fairly happy.

I enjoyed watching all of the kids playing games that the resort had set up for the day around the pool.  Watching .... and remembering.

It's mostly fun to watch and remember when they're screaming ..... or pouting .... when they're hot and tired and hungry.

And just thank God that I survived all of that.  :)

     After coming in from the pool Son #2 and I met up with Son #3 at Epcot.  We stood in a long line, where a woman had just hurled moments before we got there.  Not enough moments to clean it up, but enough to cover it up with paper towels.  Guess she got a bit hot.  Or had whatever I had .... poor thing.  

I'm just glad that we missed it by moments ..... or I would've had to hurl right next to her!

Ugh.

It was some "going into space" ride that was mostly simulation.  It was pretty intense at one point (they gave us lots of warnings about being in good enough health for the ride, which I of course questioned, but also, of course, kept my mouth shut about).  You are an astronaut in training on this ride and everyone is assigned a job.  I was less than thrilled to be chosen to be the navigator (ummmm, I think I just recently addressed my lack of directional skills yesterday).  I didn't want a job .... I just wanted to ride the dang thing!  But it was cool because the Sons and I were in a "room" all to ourselves for this ride.

You have a screen in front of you so that you can see the view as your "shuttle" takes off ..... going zero to six THOUSAND in a matter of seconds.  They did an awesome job of making you feel the G force ...... very awesome.

So awesome that they provide "hurl bags" on the ride, which we noticed only seconds before everything started.  Jim's line .... always .... before every single ride, was, "Son #2, I don't have a good feeling about this".  

Every.  Single.  Time.  

Which sometimes drove Son #2 nuts, as it was intended.

It was my turn to say that line today ..... when Son #3 pulled out the bags and asked what they were.  

They were both quite disgusted when I told them "barf bags" and I got a bit worried and then it was too late.  We were shot into space.

It was fun and of course, over way to soon.

We walked around a bit and then made our way back to the hotel.  We have re-packed our bags for tomorrow and the two Son will be heading back out into the parks tonight.

I plan to sit on the "beach" here at the hotel, watch the fireworks from all over the park, and watch "National Treasure 2" on a big inflated screen down there (they had the first one last night --- it was pretty cool to see it for a bit).

    Since my stomach was still a bit "iffy" today I didn't want to take any of the meds for my hip.  I could tell a big difference by the afternoon.

Hopefully I can get back on schedule tomorrow ....... wait ..... have to laugh a bit on that one.

Like I have any capacity to remember to take meds throughout the day anyway!!!!  What a hoot!

I can manage morning and evening.  But that's about it.  Everything else is just hit and/or miss.  Mostly miss.

     OK ... that's about it for tonight.  I need to get out there before ay fireworks start, which should be at any moment.

Thanks so much for all of your comments and encouragement and prayers, Peeps.  I hope you all know how much they, and you, mean to me.

     I hope everyone has a fun and safe weekend celebrating our wonderful nation .... warts and all.

     Hopefully I'll keep twittering and posting!

See you out on the ocean tomorrow!!

P.S.  T in Vegas ..... Roberta forwarded me your e-mail.  Thank you SO much for the laughs!!  Bless your heart .... I think your vacation topped mine .... all I had was some hurling!!!  Thanks for thinking of me .... and for wanting to make me smile.  You did a great job.  I'm SO looking forward to meeting you in 2 weeks!!!!