This day I choose ....

.... to smile. The smile may feel numb, but it's there.

The first picture is of Jim & Daughter #1. This was one of the first in a long line of traditional photos. A very long line.
The second picture is also of Daughter #1. This one was taken right before we put a nipple on a beer bottle and sat it next to her for a picture. Yes, it may be in the "book".

So Son #2 is talking (aloud) about the military school. Yesterday he sent off for some info to the Marines. He's thinking maybe they'll come and get him. If only THAT were that easy! I expect our mailbox to be full of marine stuff over the next few years. Hoo-yah.
He's also been bragging to girls about how "hot" he'll look in uniform. I told him (after I threw up in my mouth a little) that I thought it might go against marine rules to try to seduce women while in uniform. Maybe not, but it should be.
Today was a very quiet day. Tonight Daughter #1, #3 and I are going to the opening night of Daughter #1's last play at this theatre. It's supposed to be funny.
Daughter #2 went back to Waco this morning to finish her last 2 finals. Those two professors gave her time off to go to Oklahoma and said she could take them after she came back --- when she was ready. See? Most of the people at the school are very compassionate and kind.
OK, that's it for today. I have to go change my clothes because Daughter #1 told me that I might stand out wearing flip flops. Excuse me? These are not flip flops! These are Coach sandals, dad gummit!!!
It would seem that she doesn't care about the brand, only how I will look standing next to her, with my huge neon sign that read's "I'm Daughter #1's MOM!!!!!!".
Pu-lease --- I have more class than that! I'm going to take the sign that says, "I'm with Stupid ----->"
:)

Not much left

The girls and I got home today. I am ....... I really don't know what I am. One moment I seem in control and the next moment I can't control anything, especially my tears. I thought I did pretty well this week. I spent time with my mother in law, I listened to her; I told her how much I loved her and what a great mom and grandmother she'd been. I told her that Jim was waiting for her and it was OK that she was ready to go. She told me how proud she was of our children and how much she loved us. She was so glad that I came to see her to say good bye. I held her hand as she breathed her last breath. And then I felt numb. Again. And we went home and I picked out a dress for her to wear and got the rest of her clothes together for the guys to take to the funeral home. We went grocery shopping and cleaned up a bit. We went to the florist and picked out flowers for the coffin and I picked out flowers from my children.
And then it was time to go. And I had a melt down. I felt, and still feel, so much guilt for leaving. Not from anyone but me. I felt like I should be there with the rest of the family and go through this with them. But I also felt guilty for wanting to stay and thus missing out on Son #1's prom. He's already had the most sucky senior year possible. I haven't been there for him as much as I should have. So I came home.
I want to run away. I want to go somewhere where there are no progress reports, no bills, no teacher calls, no orthodontic
appointments, no people disappointed with me (in my mind) or where there are no people sad for me. I want to just go and sit on a beach and read and have no clock. I want to go somewhere where I have no mixed feelings about things like working, or participating in things or making appointments.
I couldn't even go to the awards ceremony the Houston CPA association was having tonight. They were giving an award to Jim. So the oldest 4 went without me. And I feel guilty for that. I feel that the last bit of strength has been sapped out of my body and mind.
Thank you K, for bringing food over for Daughter #1. Thank you A, for bringing the boys and me dinner tonight and sitting with me. Thank you both for thinking of that. I feel like I'm back to January and I can't function again. I don't really even want to function.
And I'm sorry for this morbid and depressing post. I wish that I could fake happiness and humor and make everyone laugh. But the writing is beyond my control. It just comes. And it seems that I have to let it out or explode. Or die.
If only it were that easy.

Dancing

My awesome mother in law is now dancing with the awesome son she raised. Heaven is just a bit brighter tonight.

Here I am again.....

....sitting in a hospital, waiting to say good bye to someone I love.  Only this time I know that's what I'm doing.  No surprises, no shock --  no lies about 90%.  Not this time.  So why am I crying so hard?  Because it's her & not me? Yes, that's certainly part of it.  And for all of my family. We'd like the pain to stop.  Now.  So we wait.  She was able to finally speak to us today -- and she did-- a lot.  She told each of us how much she loved us , appreciated us and was proud of each of us.  One on one.  I made her promise to hug Jim very, very hard for me and to tell him I love him-- so very much.  She promised  to do that.  Then I told her the last thing I told Jim:   "I love you and I'll see you soon."                                         
This time I really know what I'm saying.

Another first

     As you can see, this is from our wedding.  Jim and his mom.  They will soon be together again.  I just read most of "90 Minutes in Heaven"...... he's waiting for her.  And they'll be waiting for me.  Some day.

     So today was my first Mother's Day without Jim.  I think I'm numb again.  Numb about everything.  Daughter #1 and I went to see "Made of Honor" while the boys went to another movie.  I took the two younger boys to see "Iron Man" yesterday.  I enjoyed both movies.  And the time with my kids.  

     It's been a quiet Mother's Day --- not much ado.  The kids made breakfast for me.  They're great cooks.  Now we're just hanging around the house and not really thinking about Mother's Day.

     Daughter #1 has nailed down her two apartments in Boston.  Yes, two.  One for June, July and August.  The other for August to ..... I'm not sure.  Whenever.  Anyway, she's excited and I am so excited for her.  I think we're both going up at the beginning of June and sightseeing around Boston and learning where everything is.  Plus getting her settled.  I will miss her.  A lot.  I know that she thinks this year of internship was in her plans, but I now know that it was totally God's plan --- to have her home with me this year.  And I thank Him.

     I'm leaving tomorrow for Okla.  Daughters #2 & #3 will drive up on Tuesday.  I have no idea how long we'll be up there.  As long as it takes, I guess.

  I was supposed to go to a CPA event on Thursday to accept an award in honor of Jim.  The older kids were going with me.  Now they'll go in place of me.  

     In other news, the school board election was yesterday.  Time, and people, marches on.  Jim has been replaced.  Kind of.  

     I've noticed something quite interesting.  I've thought I've adjusted as well as can be expected.  But I have to admit .... every time I see a man out biking, really biking -- you know, in the spandex and the bright colors and the helmet and the bike, I get a physical reaction.  I can hardly stand it.  I have to look away or I feel I might lose control of my car and slam into him.  

I think that's very strange.  They all look alike, which maybe explains it?  I haven't noticed that reaction with anything else that reminds me of Jim .... just the bikers.  And it really is physical.

Speaking of biking, this would have been Jim's third year to ride in the MS 150;  it's a ride from Houston to Austin (over 150 miles) over two days.  The KPMG team wore shirts that had his name on them -- in honor of him.  They sent me one of the jerseys.  It's really neat.  

     Son #1's senior prom is next Saturday --- another event that I forgot to include.  Another first.  I hope I don't embarrass him too much with the tears.  I'll try .... but I can't promise anything.  

     I feel as though I'm living in some kind of limbo.  In kind of a purgatory place, even though I'm not catholic.  I don't feel as though I'm really living here, in this life, or in my "after", either.  I'm in limbo.  I guess that's my body and mind's way of self-preservation.  Keeping me detached and numb.  I'm not sure why God has felt it necessary to just keep heaping coals onto my family and extended family, but we seem to be drowning in them.  I'd like to think that once we get past this next "event" then we'll be able to move on.  Wherever that is.  Whatever that looks like.   But I'm also afraid to hope that things will calm down .... that we'll have time to adjust to this "after".  So far, no time.  Not in the last 5 months, anyway.  Maybe one of these days God will take a nap and we'll get a breather.  Hopefully.

     I'm not sure what computer contact I will have while in Okla. so there may be no posts for awhile.  That doesn't mean that you can't reach out and comment.  Let me know that you're there and that you're praying.  We need lots and lots and lots of prayer.  This will be a difficult week.  To say the least.

     But on the very, very positive side ..... there will be an awesome reunion in Heaven this week.  I wish that I could be there.  I will be, in spirit.  I am so happy and excited for both of them.  

  How do people do this with no such hope and no such excitement?  I know where I'm going, without a shadow of a doubt.  And I can't wait.  And I cannot imagine the loneliness, hopelessness and darkness of someone who doesn't have Christ.  We need to get the word out --

I need to get the Word out.  

Life is too short.

Trust me.

Fifty two times a day

     This picture is from April 2005, Jim's dad's 80th birthday.  This is his family -- his parents and his siblings.  

It's a great family.

     Before I get into the depressing part of this post (you've been warned -- turn back while you can.  I wish I could.) I thought I'd ask a question.  This is for all of you cat owners (or former cat owners) out there:  Is it just my cats or do they all poop FIFTY TWO TIMES A DAY??????  OK, so I exaggerate, it's really only 47.  But oh my gosh, what the heck is with that?!!!  I clean out that litter box AT LEAST 3 times a day (yes, if they poop 47 times then only 3 cleanings IS totally disgusting).  And here's the thing that tops that in their quest to drive me crazy (and no, I'm not paranoid ..... the kids have enlisted the cats in this quest!) ------ every single time I clean out that box (EVERY-SINGLE-TIME) they climb right in and poop.  EVERYSINGLETIME!!!!!

They hear me cleaning it, run in, sit and wait and almost before I can get out of the way they are in there taking a dump!!!  I know this is so crude, but I'm going nuts.  Now I clean it and just stand there with the bag and wait.  And then clean it again.  

So .... is it just my "not the brightest crayons in the box" cats, or do they all do that.

Oh, and another thing --- George is losing his hair.  He has a bald spot on his head and it seems to be getting bigger.  Ever heard of that?  Does this warrant a trip to the vet?  I have warned him that if he loses all of his hair he's out of here.  I cannot have a bald cat.  Especially one named after you-know-who.  That will NOT make me smile.

Yes, my love is conditional.  Just be glad you're not one of my kids.

    Now back on to the roller coaster of my life.  I may jump off of it on the next loop-de-loop.  My mother in law has continued to go down hill.  So we, as a family, spoke to her doctor on Wednesday and decided that we are going to let her go.  Which means that she will be sedated and the respirator turned off.  There were many phone calls to make and many questions to ask.  We had decided to set the date this weekend, which would give my brother in law, his family, and me time to get to Oklahoma "before".  

     Some have expressed disagreement with my decision to go.  But it's my decision.  I want to see her "before".  I want to talk to her and tell her how hard to hug Jim for me when she sees him.  I want to tell her that I'm so excited for her and for him.  I won't tell her how horribly jealous I am of her.  Horribly.  And then I want to be there until the "after".  I want to be with Jim's siblings and their dad.  I've done this before --- with a very good friend.  It's not the same, I know, but I want to do this.  And then I want to come home.  I do not plan to stay for the funeral.  I want to be there for her and for them and then leave.  There will be plenty of people after that.  Most of my children want to stay home .... and so they will.  Daughters #2 & #3 want to go, so we're trying to see how it works with their finals.  

     While we are trying to make sense of this and trying to make some kind of plans, God has thrown a kink into it (what a shock).  Last night one of her lungs collapsed.  So now we're not sure if we still have the time to "plan".  As I told someone recently, I know, better than most people, that my plans don't count for squat.  So we shall tentatively make plans, knowing that they could all blow up at any time.

     I'm leaving for Oklahoma on Monday, to get in at the same time as J & L & S.  I had planned to spend Mother's Day weekend (or really, avoid it) at the lake with the kids.  But now we're staying home, closer to the airport in case I need to leave earlier.

I have no return ticket.  

     I also decided to take a leave of absence from work.  I need to slow down and stop being too busy to think.  It's time to think.  And I only have a month left with Daughter #1 before she heads off so I want to spend as much time as possible with her.  

     And I just need to rest and not feel the need to "perform" or make decisions about things or other people.  

     I guess I just need to "be".  And be there for my kids ..... while we're all together.  

I plan on returning once everyone's back in school in August.  I hope they'll still have me.  I will miss the contact and smiles of the people with whom I work.  They are some of the best people I know and I love them.  But we tend to see less of each other over the summer anyway, so hopefully the timing is good.

     Let's see .... I think that's it.  I think that's enough.  Actually, it's been more than enough for a long time now.  

     I wish I could be someone else for a while.  I'm not sure who.  Maybe I'll look into having one of those "out of body experiences".  

   I wonder if I'd find that in the yellow pages?  Or Google?

I may or may not keep you posted.

Please send up lots and lots of prayers --- for all of us.

And thank you.

Numb and number

     This picture is from 2003 -- Son #1's Confirmation.  Jim's parents are on either side of Son #1 (and then we're on either side of them).

  

     That's all for now.  Maybe for a day or so.  

     We'll see.