P.S. ......

...... I've also started a new blog ...... elsewhere.
Let me know if you'd like to see it.
You don't have to be widowed for that one.  : )
BUT .... You do have to send my your e-mail address.  I can't hook you up through a comment, so send an email to the address up in the first paragraph.

Thanks.
So very much.
:)

It Is Time ......

...... for me to write this post.
A post that I think will be my last post here.
Which, of course, is most likely no surprise to anyone.

At first I decided to delete this blog.  It was easier to not write if there was nothing upon which to write.
Right?
(Ha!  Get it?  Write/Right?  It's not funny if I have to explain it.)

And so that's what I did.
And it stayed deleted for about 2 weeks.

But then I had a change of heart, I guess.  I decided to put it back on line, in case there are other widowed people out there who might feel a little less crazy or abnormal by reading what I experienced. Maybe one of you will one day need these words.  I hope not.  Really.
But I don't have to tell you what the odds are.
So I won't.

I felt that I needed to say "Goodbye", but just didn't want to do that.
So I've written nothing for a while.
But now ...... it's time.

I have written as honestly as I could over the past almost-6 years.
It wasn't always pretty.  In fact it was rarely pretty.  Or hopeful.
Or easy to read.
So thank you to those of you who've stuck with me.
Thank you, especially to those of you I've met through this blog.
And to those I've never met in person, but who have been here for me none the less.
T.A.N.W.

This was the one place where I was able to unleash every emotion, every feeling, every thought that grief brought.  I never censored myself when it came to those ...... for good or for bad.
I gained friends because of this blog.
I lost friends because of this blog.
It was what it was.
I grieved the way I grieved.
If I had to do it over again, I would grieve the same way.
Not because I wanted to, but because I had no choice.
That's the thing that some people couldn't understand, couldn't deal with.
I never had a choice.

This is one of the many, many "clubs" out there that no one wants to join.
One minute you're barely aware of its existence ...... the next minute you're a full-fledged member.
No matter how much kicking and screaming you do.
No matter how much you can't believe it, or accept it.

No one asks your permission to change your life.
No one warns you.
No one prepares you for the ripping apart of your world ...... of your heart.
It is what it is.
And it does what it does.

Do I wish I could've done some things differently?
Hell yes.
Who wouldn't?
But then ...... who in the world, widowed or not, can say that they've never thought that at least once in their life?
If they do, they're lying.

But wishing doesn't make things happen.
And it doesn't change things.
It just kills time.

I loved Jim hard.
As hard as I could.
And I have grieved him hard.
So.
Very.
Hard.

My grief isn't gone.  Like that could ever happen.
But it's not so hard.
Once in a while it's difficult, but I've been through difficult.
And it's better than hard.

There are two main reasons that I think I'm done here.
First, and foremost ...... I don't feel as if I have anything left to say.
The emotions have come forth.
And have been laid out.
In all of their ugliness and gut-wrenching pain.

Thankfully, getting them out of me and placing them here ...... slowly made room for other feelings to take root.
Like hope.
And contentment.
And joy.
Happiness has worked its way back, too ...... albeit a different-feeling happiness.
It is what it is.
I'm just glad that it is.

The second reason that I feel done is this:
I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of putting it all out there.
I'm tired of people reading this blog, and then feeling like they're all "caught up" with me and my life, so they unconsciously assume that I'm all "caught up" with them.
Which means I don't hear from them.
I rarely hear from most of the people who were in my life "before".
I can't blame that all on this blog.
But it's definitely been a factor.
It is ...... what it is.
I'm just grateful for how much they were there in the beginning.
More grateful than words can articulate.
And I will be forever grateful.

My life is different now.
Different than "before".
Different than I ever expected, hoped, imagined.
Different than I feared.
Different in a few negative ways ...... but different in many good ways.

You all know that I'd trade everything, and everyone, to have him back.
But that's not a choice.
Yet acceptance is.
So is moving forward.
And choosing joy.

God has been good.
His plan is different than mine.
I haven't always agreed with Him.
And I will never understand Him.
Well, never here anyway.
And I will never, ever think that this path was a good idea.
But it is what it is.
And it was what it was.
I'm just thankful that He has used me to touch others ...... to make some feel less alone.

Maybe I'll come back here one day.
Maybe I'll decide to start another blog.
A different blog.
Who knows?
I certainly don't.
That much I've learned.

But for now ...... no matter how bittersweet this feels, no matter how much I loathe saying "Goodbye" ...... it is time.

I will miss you.
Very, very much.
T.
A.
N.
W.

Goodbye, Peeps.
And happy ...... everything.
: )

I've Decided ......

...... to not decide.

Yes, I found houses in Tulsa that I liked.  A lot.
But I just don't feel ready to pull the trigger.

What I do feel ready to do is get back to NY.
At least that's something.
: )

So an interesting thing happened on the way to Tulsa.
I left my bag of medications on the plane.
Unbeknownst to me.

The next morning I couldn't find the bag and called a friend.
She went to my house to see if I had left it at home.
I had not.

I wondered if I could've lost it on the plane, so on a whim I decided to call my home phone and check my messages.
And indeed, someone had found it.
An employee of the airline, which I shall not name, (but it used to be called Continental) found it after the plane had returned to Houston.  He, being a decent guy, called the number on my reservation.  He left a message saying that he had found it and asked if I wanted him to put it back on the plane, as it was headed back to Tulsa.
I didn't get the message in time to make that happen.

So I called that number the next morning, after I listened to the message.  I asked for "Randy".
I was told he was working in another area.  I explained what had happened and asked about my bag.
I was told that they don't normally do things like that and that my bag wasn't there.  I repeated that "Randy" had called me, and that he had been in possession of it.  I was told that he was only being "a good guy" and that the bag was now in "lost in found" and would be in "lost baggage" by that evening.  I was then told to go on line and file a claim and then wait to be contacted.
So I did.
That was Wednesday.
The 16th.

Yesterday, Saturday, the 19th, after hearing nothing,  I called this airline's "lost luggage" department.  After being on hold for a while, I was told that there was no record of the bag.  Or of my claim.
I patiently explained the situation.
The employee I was talking to didn't give one red cent about this problem.  Or that another employee had once had my medications.  He said that that was not their policy.
I said that I not only have "Randy's" name and number, but I still have the message.
I then said that if, after 4 days, my bag had not been turned into "lost baggage", I could only assume that it had been stolen.
He kept repeating that I needed to just wait another 10-14 days to see if it shows up.

I asked to speak to someone at the actual Houston airport, in the actual "lost baggage" department.
He told me that wouldn't help.  I repeated the question and he said no, it would be a waste of time.  I need to file another claim and wait 10-14 days.
He.
Was.
Infuriating.

I ended up telling him that I realized this was not his fault, or his problem, but that he had been very unhelpful and that someone will have to look into a possible problem of theft at his workplace.
And then I hung up.
And sent an email to customer service, which is all I could do.

After I flew into Houston tonight I checked with the lady at "lost baggage".  I told her the story and she was most concerned and very helpful.
But the bag wasn't there.
She admitted that it was likely that someone had taken the bag, and said that she was sorry.  She asked if my pharmacy would re-fill the meds.
I told her that I hope so.

So, that's been fun.
: )

Homecoming was great, as usual.  We were able to meet up with friends that we hadn't since in years. And I mean YEARS.
We also took a tour through our sorority house to see all the changes that have been made over the YEARS.
The girls who live there smiled at us the exact same way we used to smile at alums who came by ......
kind of like, "Oh, aren't they cute?  Those old women who used to live here back in the dark ages.  Can you even imagine being that OLD?!  Ugh!"
Yeah.
What goes around, comes around, girls.
In the blink of an eye.

It was 39 degrees and raining off and on as we walked all over campus, checking out all of the house decorations and running into old friends.
But it was still fun.

I bought a hamburger from Son #3's fraternity.
I think it was the coldest hamburger I've ever eaten.
Their warmers had gone out.
Nice.

I rescued my brother from funnel cake hell.
He was a parent volunteer at his daughter's sorority and had been making funnel cakes for hours.
And had experienced a huge gust of wind that whipped through the tent and knocked over gallons of iced tea.
Right down his back.
Homecoming ...... it's not for sissies.

We spent the rest of the evening relaxing and watching "Storage Wars.
And staying warm.
Well, at least I stayed warm ...... but I didn't have a wet backside.
Or reek of the smell of hot oil.

And then there was this (which you may have seen that night on ESPN live):


The game was ...... well, a bit painful, but we won.
Both teams were pretty sloppy and there was much stress and frustration in the stands.
That tends to happen after a kicker misses three (3) field goal attempts.
In a row.
Sigh ...

But, at least it was a win.
And we once again enjoyed the "largest Homecoming in the nation".
And I got to spend time with Son #3.
So it was a win-win.

: )