I've Decided ......

...... to not decide.

Yes, I found houses in Tulsa that I liked.  A lot.
But I just don't feel ready to pull the trigger.

What I do feel ready to do is get back to NY.
At least that's something.
: )

So an interesting thing happened on the way to Tulsa.
I left my bag of medications on the plane.
Unbeknownst to me.

The next morning I couldn't find the bag and called a friend.
She went to my house to see if I had left it at home.
I had not.

I wondered if I could've lost it on the plane, so on a whim I decided to call my home phone and check my messages.
And indeed, someone had found it.
An employee of the airline, which I shall not name, (but it used to be called Continental) found it after the plane had returned to Houston.  He, being a decent guy, called the number on my reservation.  He left a message saying that he had found it and asked if I wanted him to put it back on the plane, as it was headed back to Tulsa.
I didn't get the message in time to make that happen.

So I called that number the next morning, after I listened to the message.  I asked for "Randy".
I was told he was working in another area.  I explained what had happened and asked about my bag.
I was told that they don't normally do things like that and that my bag wasn't there.  I repeated that "Randy" had called me, and that he had been in possession of it.  I was told that he was only being "a good guy" and that the bag was now in "lost in found" and would be in "lost baggage" by that evening.  I was then told to go on line and file a claim and then wait to be contacted.
So I did.
That was Wednesday.
The 16th.

Yesterday, Saturday, the 19th, after hearing nothing,  I called this airline's "lost luggage" department.  After being on hold for a while, I was told that there was no record of the bag.  Or of my claim.
I patiently explained the situation.
The employee I was talking to didn't give one red cent about this problem.  Or that another employee had once had my medications.  He said that that was not their policy.
I said that I not only have "Randy's" name and number, but I still have the message.
I then said that if, after 4 days, my bag had not been turned into "lost baggage", I could only assume that it had been stolen.
He kept repeating that I needed to just wait another 10-14 days to see if it shows up.

I asked to speak to someone at the actual Houston airport, in the actual "lost baggage" department.
He told me that wouldn't help.  I repeated the question and he said no, it would be a waste of time.  I need to file another claim and wait 10-14 days.
He.
Was.
Infuriating.

I ended up telling him that I realized this was not his fault, or his problem, but that he had been very unhelpful and that someone will have to look into a possible problem of theft at his workplace.
And then I hung up.
And sent an email to customer service, which is all I could do.

After I flew into Houston tonight I checked with the lady at "lost baggage".  I told her the story and she was most concerned and very helpful.
But the bag wasn't there.
She admitted that it was likely that someone had taken the bag, and said that she was sorry.  She asked if my pharmacy would re-fill the meds.
I told her that I hope so.

So, that's been fun.
: )

Homecoming was great, as usual.  We were able to meet up with friends that we hadn't since in years. And I mean YEARS.
We also took a tour through our sorority house to see all the changes that have been made over the YEARS.
The girls who live there smiled at us the exact same way we used to smile at alums who came by ......
kind of like, "Oh, aren't they cute?  Those old women who used to live here back in the dark ages.  Can you even imagine being that OLD?!  Ugh!"
Yeah.
What goes around, comes around, girls.
In the blink of an eye.

It was 39 degrees and raining off and on as we walked all over campus, checking out all of the house decorations and running into old friends.
But it was still fun.

I bought a hamburger from Son #3's fraternity.
I think it was the coldest hamburger I've ever eaten.
Their warmers had gone out.
Nice.

I rescued my brother from funnel cake hell.
He was a parent volunteer at his daughter's sorority and had been making funnel cakes for hours.
And had experienced a huge gust of wind that whipped through the tent and knocked over gallons of iced tea.
Right down his back.
Homecoming ...... it's not for sissies.

We spent the rest of the evening relaxing and watching "Storage Wars.
And staying warm.
Well, at least I stayed warm ...... but I didn't have a wet backside.
Or reek of the smell of hot oil.

And then there was this (which you may have seen that night on ESPN live):


The game was ...... well, a bit painful, but we won.
Both teams were pretty sloppy and there was much stress and frustration in the stands.
That tends to happen after a kicker misses three (3) field goal attempts.
In a row.
Sigh ...

But, at least it was a win.
And we once again enjoyed the "largest Homecoming in the nation".
And I got to spend time with Son #3.
So it was a win-win.

: )

Feeling Adrift ......

                                                                        source
                     

...... like someone alone in a canoe ...... with no oar, no compass.

I feel as though I'm living in some kind of in-between layer of life.  It feels like I don't belong anywhere anymore ...... like a tree that's been cut away from its roots.
No place feels like "home" right now, or whatever "home" used to feel like.

My house in Texas is on the market and most of the time I feel like that's the right decision.  But then the shadow of doubt creeps in and starts to cloud my mind and I don't know what's right for me.

I love NY, but I wonder if I'll be too lonely in the long run.  I know that sounds crazy to most people ...... how can you feel lonely in a place where almost 8 million other people live?
I also know that I don't have to explain that feeling here.  You get that.  You have most likely felt the same dark loneliness in a room full of people.
I used to feel that way often in the first year or two of grieving.  I thought that it had passed.
I was wrong.

I seem to feel lonely no matter where I am.  Not all of the time, but definitely more lately.  Home is no longer "home", but then ...... neither is anywhere else.
I miss my roots.

I have no doubt that I'd be feeling something quite like this if Jim were alive.  After all, our youngest child left for college 2 months ago.  I know that this is partly "empty nest syndrome".
But I also know that this "rootless" feeling is another result of his death.
In a world full of couples, of shifted relationships, of empty bedrooms ...... the person I most belonged with is missing.  The one relationship here on earth that I knew was as solid as stone no longer grounds me ...... no longer helps me feel that I belong.

Experience tells me that this feeling will most likely pass.
It also tells me that it may take some time.
It does not, however, tell me what I should decide.
Or where I should put down new roots.

That's where hope comes in.
I hope that this loneliness will fade soon and that I'll be able to decide what my next step should be.

And I hope that I will once again feel a sense of belonging.
Wherever my canoe lands.

Like a Wheel Within a Wheel ......

...... these are our wedding rings.  A circle in a circle.
I had them put together like this at about 9 - 10 months out.  I wear them on a necklace.
I haven't worn them in a while, but lately, I've felt a strong pull to wear them.  A lot.
I don't know why and I've learned to not question things that I feel pulled to do.
I have also felt the missing of him stronger lately.
I'm sure that one thing is connected with the other.
I don't know why, I just know.

Even now, at almost 6 years out, the thought of how very much I still miss him makes me cry.  I cannot speak (or type) the words, "I miss him" without crying.
Ever.

Grief, and my "after", are like a circle within a circle.  They are intertwined with each other ...... forever.  The missing of him will never end.  Like a never ending circle.  I will always miss him and I suppose that I will always cry at the depth of the hole he left behind.  Within me.

Don't get me wrong.  My life is good.
Yes, it could be better, but I'll take good.
Because I can't have him.

I am happy.
It's a different happy, but I'll take happy ...... however it looks and feels.
Because I can't have him.
And I can't live miserably ...... missing him.

But I can continue to live, feel happiness, feel joy when it comes ...... and feel love in many different ways.
Even if I can't have him.
Because I can't have him.

I'll continue to love, live, be happy ...... and feel peace, even while I sometimes feel grief.
And miss him.
And cry.

It's a circle.
Within a circle.
And I'm blessed to live in that circle.
Because I was blessed to have him.









Windmills of Your mind

Round, like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel.
Never ending or beginning,
On an ever spinning wheel
Like a snowball down a mountain
Or a carnaval balloon
Like a carousell that's turning
Running rings around the moon

Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes on it's face
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Like a tunnel that you follow
To a tunnel of it's own
Down a hollow to a cavern
Where the sun has never shone
Like a door that keeps revolving
In a half forgotten dream
Or the ripples from a pebble
Someone tosses in a stream.

Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes on it's face
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Keys that jingle in your pocket
Words that jangle your head
Why did summer go so quickly
Was it something that I said
Lovers walking allong the shore,
Leave their footprints in the sand
Was the sound of distant drumming
Just the fingers of your hand

Pictures hanging in a hallway
And a fragment of this song
Half remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong
When you knew that it was over
Were you suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning
To the color of her hair

Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning,
On an ever spinning wheel
As the images unwind
Like the circle that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Pictures hanging in a hallway
And the fragment of this song
Half remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong
When you knew that it was over
Were you suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning
To the color of her hair

Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning,
On an ever spinning wheel
As the images unwind
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

I Can't Believe .....

...... how very impatient so many of my Peeps are!!!

The post is coming.  Soon.  I promise.
Jut not now.
I've been out all day and it's now 2 a.m.  I have to get up early to go to OSU and hopefully see Son #3.

Anyway, my day just had more crap piled onto it so the upcoming post will be even more "magical" that I had first hoped.

Don't look for it before Sunday.
And give me a break.
SOMEBODY needs to.
IMHO.

Night/morning Peeps.
Happy Saturday.

Wait for it ..... Wait for it .......

: )

A Post Is Coming ......

...... that you're not going to believe.
Unless you're a long-time reader, or even a medium-time reader.
Then you're going to totally believe it.

Some publishing company is missing out on huge bucks by not offering me a book contract, just based on this blog.

Because honestly, I can NOT make this stuff up.

So ..... yeah.
That's all you're getting right now.
I'm such a tease.

:)

A tease who needs some time to write a post.

Wait for it ..........

Happy Friday, Peeps!



P.S.  Jack is doing better and will be transferred to the ASPCA at any moment, where they will (hopefully) do the surgery on his jaw for WAY less than the previous hospital.  No one in NY will look at records and give you an estimate.
NO.
ONE.
It seems they want you to walk through the doors with the animal so that can then charge you an automatic fee.
I kid you not.

In other, yet related, news ...... an amazingly kind cyber friend, who is a vet, has started a FB page for Jack, to help off set the cost of all of this.
I know you've read this before, and some of you have even heard it in person, but ......
I.
Am.
Stunned.
Truly.  The kindness that pours out of people is nothing less than amazing and beautiful.

P.P.S.  I'll comment more on another event that just occurred that also shows the amazingly beautiful kindness of strangers.

P.P.P.S.  DANG, I need more time!!!
: )

Traveling ......

...... is pretty much what I've been doing since I arrived in NY last week.

Last week I spent an entire day and evening at the U.S. Open.
By myself.
It was wonderful.

I had a great time and was surprised by how much fun I had, even though I was "alone".
Five years ago I think I would've had a mental breakdown at the thought of spending a day like that alone.
But no more.

That's one reason I love this city so very much.
A person going out to dinner, or to the park, or to a movie, or to, say ...... the U.S. Open ...... all by themselves doesn't raise an eyebrow.
Not one.
And I love that.

Since then I have traveled on all sorts of public transportation.  Either alone or with friends.
The subway.  Both alone and not alone.
The New Jersey Transit --- took a train to NJ, with 2 friends so that we could spend the weekend with another friend.  All 4 of us are widows.

Then last week I rode a New Jersey Transit bus to New Jersey.  Atlantic City, to be exact.
To visit Beth, who is also a widow.
We had a great time.

We strolled the Boardwalk, hung out at 2 different beaches, climbed a lighthouse, hung out with her children, saw her daughters college dorm room, walked all over the beach town of Cape May, took my dying iPad into an Apple store 9 days before my extended warranty expired, got a brand new iPad in less than 20 minutes, drove to Philadelphia, took a double decker bus tour of the city, and ate a Philly cheesesteak, which was really wonderful, much to my surprise.

After that I rode an Amtrak train back to the city.
It was a nice ride, even if I had to hurry to not miss it.

Today Daughters #1 & #2 and I went to see "Kinky Boots", which just won the Tony award for Best Musical.
It was very good.

Then D #1 headed to the theatre where she works because tonight is opening night for a show.
D #2 and I strolled down Times Square for a bit and then decided to go to Carmine's for dinner.  It's one of our favorite places and if you're ever in NY you definitely need to go.  The food is amazingly good and amazingly plentiful.
The platter of pasta that we ordered to share was large enough to feed a small country.
Or maybe Rhode Island.
This was after we were finished:

I took this picture to try to show how large the pieces of garlic bread were.  They were larger than D3's hand.
Needless to say, we had a whole lot of leftovers, which means D3 is going to be eating Italian all week for lunch.  And she's pretty ok with that.    : )

We sat at the bar (because it's also usually amazingly crowded) and ate and chatted with the people who sat next to us.
Which reminds me to tell you that I think the people in NY are very friendly.  I've had several chats with people I've never met while standing in line, or sitting in a restaurant, or riding in an elevator.

Last night I went to a party up on the roof of my building.  A woman who's become a friend was turning the big 5-0 and she invited me to her party.  At 6:00 the DJ played 60's songs.  At 7 he played 70's music.  At 8 ...... you get it.  Yes, he played 80's.  And 90's at 9 and then current music from 10:00 on.
We were supposed to dress to fit our favorite decade.
I was a cross between the 60's and 70's.

I was also dressed WAY more casually than anyone else.  Most of the women wore dresses.  Nice dresses.
Nice dresses that didn't look like any of those decades.
So much for following instructions.

We noticed that a building across the street was hosting a fashion show on its roof.  It was fun to watch.

I had a great time, even though I knew only one person and wondered if I'd have anyone to talk to.
It wasn't a problem.
I met several people who live in the building and learned about a group of women who meet daily ...... in the mornings to work out upstairs and in the evenings to just sit and chat.
Sometimes they go to a movie.  Sometimes they go to each other's apartment and take turns cooking.
And they brought me into their group last night.
I'm glad.

And then, on top of all of that, 2 of the women I met are widows.  One is young, in her 40's I think, and the other one is older.  They've both been widowed less time than I have and both were very kind and very fun.
I look forward to getting to know them better.
: )

Tonight I am pooped.
And sore.
Very sore.
I think that's due to the fact that I schlepped my bag (see?  I'm already a New Yorker ... I say "schlepped"!  :) for 2 miles from the train station yesterday before I finally decided to grab a cab.
My left arm and shoulder are so sore I can barely lift that arm.

And I think I bruised my left heel from all of the walking I did over the past several days.
Lots of walking with inappropriate shoes.
Ouch.

I'm Skyping with 2 new leaders for Soaring Spirits Regional Groups tomorrow.  Plus Skyping with 2 board members.
And hopefully doing laundry.
And cleaning up the apartment.
And maybe doing a little packing for my trip back to Houston on Tuesday.
The Cowboys have our first home game next weekend.
Which means I'll be heading to Oklahoma later this week.
WHOOP!!

OK, I think that's it for now.
I think I'll go to bed now.
Even if it isn't even 10:00 p.m.
New Jersey takes a lot out of a girl.
: )

Night, Peeps.
And Happy Sunday/Monday.
: )