Feeling Adrift ......

                                                                        source
                     

...... like someone alone in a canoe ...... with no oar, no compass.

I feel as though I'm living in some kind of in-between layer of life.  It feels like I don't belong anywhere anymore ...... like a tree that's been cut away from its roots.
No place feels like "home" right now, or whatever "home" used to feel like.

My house in Texas is on the market and most of the time I feel like that's the right decision.  But then the shadow of doubt creeps in and starts to cloud my mind and I don't know what's right for me.

I love NY, but I wonder if I'll be too lonely in the long run.  I know that sounds crazy to most people ...... how can you feel lonely in a place where almost 8 million other people live?
I also know that I don't have to explain that feeling here.  You get that.  You have most likely felt the same dark loneliness in a room full of people.
I used to feel that way often in the first year or two of grieving.  I thought that it had passed.
I was wrong.

I seem to feel lonely no matter where I am.  Not all of the time, but definitely more lately.  Home is no longer "home", but then ...... neither is anywhere else.
I miss my roots.

I have no doubt that I'd be feeling something quite like this if Jim were alive.  After all, our youngest child left for college 2 months ago.  I know that this is partly "empty nest syndrome".
But I also know that this "rootless" feeling is another result of his death.
In a world full of couples, of shifted relationships, of empty bedrooms ...... the person I most belonged with is missing.  The one relationship here on earth that I knew was as solid as stone no longer grounds me ...... no longer helps me feel that I belong.

Experience tells me that this feeling will most likely pass.
It also tells me that it may take some time.
It does not, however, tell me what I should decide.
Or where I should put down new roots.

That's where hope comes in.
I hope that this loneliness will fade soon and that I'll be able to decide what my next step should be.

And I hope that I will once again feel a sense of belonging.
Wherever my canoe lands.

One More Day ...

...... though I'd much rather be on my way to Texas than sitting here, feeling what I'm feeling.

Last night, at some time after midnight, Daughter #1's cat made his way into my bedroom, which I almost always keep shut so that he can't come in.  I was in the rest room, getting ready for bed and I suddenly heard the window shade make a loud noise.  I looked over there and immediately knew what had happened.  Jack had come in, jumped up on the window sill and either jumped or fell out of the window.  I couldn't see him down there, but a guy was looking up at me, not saying anything or pointing at anything, just looking.
I started praying out loud, grabbed my shoes and my keys and flew out of the door, down the elevator and outside.  I looked all over but couldn't see him.  Then I started to hear his meow.  I couldn't tell if he was in a tree, or down on the ground.  The more I called his name, the louder is meow became.  I finally dropped to my hands and knees and crawled around and between newspaper machines and parked cars and there I found him ...... underneath a car.  He wouldn't' come to me but just kept meowing.  I could tell that his mouth was hurt and that he was bleeding.  I spoke soothingly to him and petted him as I crawled as close as I could under that car.  Then I managed to grab his tail and started gently pulling to try to get him to back out.  All four feet were clawed into the ground as much as he could manage, so I had to pull harder on his tail, hoping that I wasn't causing any further injuries, and hoping that he wouldn't turn on me and use those claws and his teeth.
He didn't and I was able to get him out.  I cradled him close to me and went back into my building and up into my room.  I grabbed a soft towel and wrapped him in it and then walked into Daughter #1's bedroom to do what I dreaded doing ..... waking her up to tell her what happened.
That's when I started crying.

She held him and talked to him while I got on the internet and searched for a nearby 24 hour vet hospital.  I called one, left a message and was told that a dr would return my call in 15 minutes.  We both felt that was too long to wait so after a few minutes I got back on line and called the next place.  A woman actually answered the phone because they really were open all night.  So we got the address, jumped into a cab and headed over.

D1 turned Jack over to the nurse who let us in and said the dr would be up as soon as he'd examined him.
D1 and I sat in a small exam room and cried and cried, saying very little to each other, other than the "I'm so sorry" that came out every 5 minutes or so.  She wouldn't even meet my eye.

The vet came in pretty quickly and said that Jack's jaw had been broken in several places. Part of the bone under his cheek had broken and it seemed to have gone behind his right eye, which explained the bleeding we had seen there.  He said that he didn't seem to have any other orthopedic problems, so that was good.  He was breathing very rapidly, which we had known, but that could be due to the pain and the stress and hopefully not a lung injury.  He said that there may be neurological  damage but that we wouldn't know that for another 24 hours or so.  They had sedated him, and given him pain meds, which makes it hard to assess his neuro condition.  But at least he was out of pain.

Then he started talking about the cost that it would take to fix him.  He was a very, very nice man.  He said that it would not be inexpensive, but that there are programs we could apply for to see if we could get financial help for this.  The problem with that was the time it would take and he needed help that night.  The hospital didn't want to start spending a large amount of money on him if the treatment could not be continued.  He said that he'd work up an estimate for the cost for overnight and then we could decide what to do after that.
He also said that, if we could not afford it, another choice was to go ahead and put him down.  It would be humane and painless and he'd support that.
I think that's pretty much when D1 stopped looking at me altogether.
The dr. left to go get the estimate, leaving us alone in the room.
And even though we didn't have eye contact I assured her that Jack would not be put to sleep.

I paid the estimate for the overnight bill, we went down to see him for a bit.  He was asleep and pain-free, but still a difficult site for D1.
Then we caught a cab back to the apartment and still managed to not look at each other.

I just bought window fans that day.  I had installed 2 in the living room and one in my bedroom.  The one in my bedroom fits perfectly and leaves no room for a cat to get out.  The two in the living room are less fitted, but they seemed secure enough to me to not let a cat over them.
It wasn't one of those windows that he jumped from ..... it was my window that was open about 4 inches.
D1 had expressed her fear of the cat falling when I had told her weeks ago that we weren't going to run the AC when the air outside was cool.  It would be too expensive and just crazy.  She wanted me to install screens on the windows, which would be astronomical and isn't all that easy to find around here.  So I opted for opening the windows a crack, except for in my room, because the cat wasn't allowed in there and the door was always (usually) kept shut.

Then I saw the window fans at Beth's house and thought that those would work.  We could have the window open, yet blocked because a fan was set in it.

This morning, after D1 left for work, I removed the fans from the living room windows and went back to opening them a crack.  I'm sure that they'll be completely shut if and when Jack comes back.

So hopefully you can see why I completely see this as my fault.  As I'm sure she does.
Which is why, when she stopped by the hospital this morning to get the astronomical estimate for what the surgery and after care would cost, I said, "OK."
Because what else could I say?

I haven't stopped crying since this happened.  It's unbelievable how much guilt a heart can hold.

But you want to know the kicker?  The real heart-splitting thing that I canNOT get out of my head? The thing that causes just as many tears today?

The doctor said this: "We need to wait for the swelling to go down before we can operate."

And though this is in NO WAY the same ...... and very very INSANE ...... those are the exact words I was told 5 years and almost 9 months ago..
EX.
ACT.

And those words are killing me all over again.

It's not about the cat.  Or whether or not he lives.
It's about D1, and what this will do to her, and her partner, whom I care for very much.
And what it will do it us.

But more than that ..... it's about Jim.  It's about waiting all that damn day before taking him into surgery.  It's about not being able to wait, in the end.
And it's about none of that mattering ...... in the end.
Because it was the end.

It's about some things that never end.
No matter how much you wish they would.

Feeling More and More ......

...... detached from Texas and the life I lead/led there.

Part of me is very frustrated by this ...... and very sad.
Life moves on.  People move on.  Groups move on.
I get that.
And I'm ok with that ...... unless I'm trying to make other people happy by being in the right place at the right time.
I guess the lesson is ...... I can't make anyone else happy and so I need to do what's best for me.

I'm heading back to Texas tomorrow ...... and I wish that I felt happier about that.
But today I've been making mental lists of all of the things I'd like to pack up and move here.
I feel so ready to be done there.
I'm sure that the feeling is mutual ...... Texas is ready to be done with me.
:)

In a perfect world ...... hell, in a perfect world Jim would still be alive and this wouldn't be an issue.
We wouldn't even be living in Texas right now if he were still alive.
But he's not, and I am, and and the world is far from perfect.
As am I.

Part of me is really sad about leaving.
But most of me thinks that I could never go back ...... and no one would notice.
Except for my mother.
She'd notice ...... BIG time!

I need to go through my house and list all of the things I need to sell/give to the kids/get rid of.  There's so much to do before one sells a house and moves.  I'd love to be able to twitch my nose, or fold my arms and blink (now that's dating myself!) and be done with all of that.
I want to stay in one place and while part of me wishes it were there ...... it's not.

I hope that my Texas friends will always be my friends ...... and that they'll come to visit as often as they can.
But I realize that's not possible for everyone.  Which makes me grateful for Facebook and other computer magic that helps people stay in touch with each other.

In truth, my heart breaks (yet again) at the thought of leaving the place where it was "Jim and me, and the kids".  And the tears flow steadily as I type this.
But there is no more "Jim and me".  And the kids are spread all over the place.
I need to make room for "me".  And as much as I wish it were there, it is not.  It's not the same.
I'm not the same, friends are not the same, places are not the same.
Nor should any of them be the same.
Life moves forward.

And I want ...... and need ...... to move forward with it.

Happy Monday/Tuesday, Peeps.
Thanks for being here.
: )

All's Quiet ......

...... on the southern/midwestern front.

Quiet and yet busy and exciting all at the same time.

Son #3 left on Tuesday morning, bright and early, to go to Bonnaroo with a couple of friends.  Three recently=graduated-18 year old males ...... headed to Tennessee.

The only reason I knew anything about Bonnaroo is because a friend of mine has attended it for the last few years .... and loved it.
If you have no idea what I'm talking about ...... think Woodstock.  With a more "Indie" sound.
It's a pretty huge event.  Each person attending has to wear at least one of those paper bracelets they put on your wrist.  One of those bracelets allows them to take a shower.

A shower.
Not, a shower a day.
Or a shower a night.
But ...... A shower.
One.  For the whole long weekend.
Thursday through Sunday.
Thank the Lord that I'm not in that tent/car.

Son #3 had the same idea I did:  take your shower on the last day, before you get into your car and head out.
Great minds think alike.
Which makes me wonder how many other people are thinking the exact same thing?
Oh, well.  He'll probably make a few hundred more friends while waiting in that line.
: )

So it's been quiet around here with just me and the dogs and the cat.
Ok, well, not all that quiet, but quieter than usual.
Just go with me.

Actually, it's been pretty nice.
I've had a lot of work to do with SS.
I had several Skype meetings lined up this week for all of our Regional Group Leaders.
And that is getting bigger by the day and much more involved than I would have guessed.
But I love it.
:)

And then there's this:
I found out last week that the real estate market in our community is really hopping.
To say the least.
I know 3 people who have sold their homes without ever putting them on the market.
Score!

So I called a good friend from our Circle, who also happens to be a real estate agent.  And I asked her for her opinion on the status of our real estate market here.
To which she replied, "Oh my word, it's unbelievable."

It seems that, in my neighborhood, there is a huge desire for a home with 5 bedrooms and a pool.
Which is what I have.
I told my friend that I really don't wan tot put it on the market right now, but if she knows of anyone who's serious about wanting this type of home, I'd be willing to let them see it and hear any offers.
She shared that with the agents she works with Wednesday night.
Thursday morning she received calls from 7 other agents.
It seems it's not only the weather that's hot here.
: )

Happy Saturday, Peeps.

Another Day ......

...... in NY.

Well, much to my relief, I did not kill my mother Thursday.
Though I really started to wonder at around 10:00 yesterday morning when she still hadn't made an appearance from her room.
After all, I walked her all over this city.
More than once.
More than twice.
All in one day.

Thursday night we went to see a show called "Old Jews Telling Jokes".
We had walked all over this city beforehand.
We got home around 5:30 or so to relax and clean up before the 8:00 curtain call.
Or so I thought.

I checked the tickets at least twice to make sure of the time.
Yep, 8:00.
I wore my contacts all day so that my distance vision would be sharp.
Which means my reading vision was less so.

At 6:30, as we were both just relaxing in the living room, I glanced at the tickets again.
And then sat bolt upright and screamed, "OMG!!!  THe show starts at 7:00, NOT 8:00!!"
She ran to her room, I ran to mine and we did a quick change.
In less than 5 minutes we were heading out the door and to the elevator.
I warned her, "You're going to have to walk fast.  Can you do that?"  She said yes, and indicated that it wouldn't be a problem.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
We only got about 2 blocks, and I was walking quickly, but not nearly at my fastest pace, when I looked behind me and knew that at this rate, only one of us would make it to the show.
So I decided to hail a cab.
My mother was very, very relieved.

After we got into the cab she admitted that she had been ready to fall to the ground and tell me, "Keep going.  Save yourself!!" and had completely given up on seeing the show.
Good thing I looked back.

We made it to the show on time, all thanks given to the cab driver who got us there, with 2 minutes to spare.

He was much better than the cab driver who took us to Ground Zero.  That bozo took us all over the city before finally dropping us off.  What should've been a 20 minute cab ride was actually about a 45 minute cab ride.
His tip was less than gracious.

We made our way to the memorial and then got into the very, very long, Disney-World-like maze of a line and proceeded to bake in the warm sun.

Thankfully it was a lovely day, but the sun was very, very warm on our heads.  And everywhere else.

We were in line about 10 minutes or so when I noticed that everyone around me was looking up and so I looked up (and not the usual looking up that one does in that line).
The crowd suddenly became very quiet ...... as we watched a large jetliner fly directly over the top of the still-being-constructed, tallest-building-in-the-western-hemisphere (as of yesterday morning at around 7:00 a.m., Eastern time).

It was surreal, shocking, scary, and almost normal ... all at the same time.

My very first thought wasn't much of a thought.  It was a plane, after all, and I'm used to seeing planes.
But then the rest of my brain kicked in and I realized what building it was heading towards, and the panic that rose up in my throat was squashed by the shock and surprise.

We all watched that plane as it approached, flew over, and the flew past the new building.  There was a sense of relief as we realized that it was moving on ...... towards wherever it was going, and that everything was ok.

It happened so quickly that I don't think anyone near me took a picture.  I think that's due to the surprise and shock.

We were there for another 2 hours and we never saw another plane fly over.  I have no idea what was going on, or why that plane flew so close.  I have been able to find no flight path information for NY/Manhattan so I'm still stumped.  It would seem that planes would not be allowed to fly over that building.  Especially as low as that plane flew.  But I can't find anything that supports that thought.

All I know is it was so very surreal and shocking that I will never forget it.
I remember standing in the kitchen, watching the aftermath of that first plane hitting the first building on September 11, 2001.
I went into the garage where Jim was trying to find something before he left for work.  For some reason he left late that day. I still have no idea why, but I was very grateful to have him beside me as we continued to watch everything unfold.
I told him that something had happened at the World Trade Center, but no one seemed to know the facts.
He and I had just returned home from spending the weekend in NY with is brother and soon-to-be-wife.  Daughter #1 and I had eaten dinner at Windows on the World with them just a few months earlier.

Jim came inside with me and we continued watching the news coverage ...... and so watched that second plane come in and slam into the second building.  That was the first really surreal thing I'd ever seen.  Part of my brain took in the plane and wondered what it was doing, and the other part of my brain watched it hit the second building, and put two and two together.  Both sides of my brain had a difficult time coming together.

That's how I felt yesterday, watching that plane fly over the new building.
I'm glad that it continued to fly on its merry way.
But I'll never forget that sight.  And how it felt.

As for the rest of the day ...... we took the subway back to Times Square, had lunch at a small, but very good deli, went to the Hello Deli, where we met Rupert Jee, and his wife took a picture of the three of us.  No one else was in there at that time, so it was easy to talk to them and to ask them questions.  They were both very nice.
I met Rupert several years ago, but refrained from trying to remind him about that.

For those of you who've lived under a rock for the last 20+ years .... Rupert Jee owns this deli, which happens to be right around the corner from the Ed Sullivan Theatre where David Letterman tapes his show.
He's had Rupert on his show at least thousands of times over the past couple of decades.

After our "brush with greatness" we walked back to the apartment to rest and then get ready for "Nice Work If You Can Get It", with Matthew Broderick.  It was a fun show and we enjoyed it.

We didn't get out of there until almost 11:00.  And then mom wanted to eat dinner.
Go figure.
Why can't everyone just live on two meals (or less) a day the way that I do?  I don't have time to sit down and eat several times a day.  And besides, I don't get hungry at exactly the sane time every day.

So we found a restaurant and ate a very late,  but oh-so-New Yorker dinner.
Ugh.

So ...... here are the pictures from yesterday.  I'm going to refrain from giving them captions ...... unless I deem it absolutely necessary.  If you have questions, then please ask them in the comment section below.  I will be happy to answer all that I can.  : )
Enjoy!

 This picture is in honor of my friend Abby, who's husband was killed on 9/11.  His name is at the very bottom in this picture.  It was the first time that I was able to find it.

  The "Survivor Tree".  Google it.  It's impressive.  And amazing that it's so healthy and green today!

                           Trinity Church:

This picture is dedicated to Michele and Dana ...... especially to Dana, with who I ran around Myrtle Beach, looking for beautiful flowers just like these for all of our centerpieces..  Too bad this color wasn't available to us!

Heading back to Times Square for the show tonight.  Before dark.

And really?  I guess it's only fair:

Rupert, me and my Mom.

I'll try to post today's pictures tomorrow.  My photo stream seems a bit lazy.
Well, more than a bit, but what can you do?

We fly back to Texas tomorrow.
I'll try really hard to not cry.
But wow ...... I wish I could stay.
Soon.
Very soon.
:)

Happy Saturday/Sunday, Peeps.
And Happy Mother's to all of you Mother's out there.
You rock!!!
:)

A Day in NY ......

...... in pictures.

Enjoy!

Ok, this one is totally boring, but I put this table together the first night.  And the last chair.  I ordered these from Overstock.com months ago.  The table arrived with scratches on it, as did one of the chairs.  I called them to get replacements, which are what you see below.
The most only interesting thing about this?  They told me to just toss the tabletop and chair.
Seriously?
"Tossing" large chunks of furniture in NY is easier said than done.
The result?
I now have a tabletop and extra chair stored in my closet.
If several very small people come for a visit I can sit them around a table top.
And the oldest can have a chair.
As long as he/she doesn't mind scratches.

These pictures were taken in Central Park, where they were filming an episode of "Law and Order".
I've never seen this show so I have no idea who these people are.  But the guy in the leather jacket (far right in the pic below) kept batting a baseball to "his" two children (there was a boy next to the girl, but I didn't include a pic of him.  I'm sure his agent will be calling me soon).  The girl's line, after she caught the ball, was, "I catched it!  I catched it!", to which "Dad" replied, "It's caught, not catched."
Riveting, isn't it?
Try watching the taping of a show/movie.
It can take hours to do one scene.
Over and over and over and over and over and over and .... you probably get it by now.
The boredom excitement is non-stop.

Some views of the Park:

The Strawberry Fields memorial to John Lennon.
With actual strawberries on it.
Of course.

This isn't significant or anything.
I just thought he was cool.

This needs no words.
But awesome.

Lincoln Center (across the street from my building):

The view from the top of my building:

The view from the other side of the top of my building:

These are from Times Square last night.

I think they all (and I do mean ALL -- even the "are you kidding me" pics) speak for themselves:

My feet hurt.
But it's time to hit the streets again.
No pain, no gain.

Happy Friday, Peeps.
: )