Not much has changed

I still want to die, sometimes pray for it (although God & I don't seem to be on the best of terms lately. My head knows He was there in the wee hours of Tuesday morning, my heart feels He turned his back on me and my pleas and I don't know why).
Please don't worry -- I'm not going to do anything stupid. What kind of person would do that to the now 6 most important people in their life? Again, these are just my honest feelings. I so want this pain to stop, to at least numb a bit. But it won't. And I so want to be with Jim, the person who's heart beat with mine; the person whom I still look for when I want to share something kind with him; the person who would have done anything possible to make sure I never had to hurt this much.
I have lost my heart.
My children have lost their father.  We each have lost something/someone different.  And the challenge will be to help them grieve as I grieve.  I don't know how to do this.
My friends have been wonderful. I can't thank them enough. I'll never be able to thank them enough. I can only wish that they hold their spouses tightly, never let a day go by without telling them how much they love them, and that they never, ever have to feel this way. I wouldn't wish this on the worst person in the world.
The kids and I have decided that we can't do Christmas this year. I'm not even sure about next year, but we'll take that when it comes. We're leaving in the morning for a week long cruise. My awesome friends and dozens of complete strangers worked for hours this week to make this possible. I don't expect that we'll enjoy the cruise, but I hope that we enjoy our time together and away from here. I know that I'm only postponing reality, but hopefully that will be a good thing.
Thank you to everyone for your support, your comments and most of all, your prayers. Please keep them coming because we are in desperate need of them.
The memorial service today was such an honor to Jim. He would have loved it, though he would have thought it was a bit over the top with the nice comments. But that was Jim. He never really knew what an awesome man he was to so many people.
I thank all of you who came. He would have loved visiting with you.
I hope and pray that some day a bit of humor will return to my heart and to this blog. I'm not so sure. But again, it's one minute at a time.