Interesting quesiton, MB. Should I/we be happy that Jim is in heaven? Well, of course if I were a "good" Christian then I'd have to give you the pat, "good" answer: 'Of course I'm glad that he's up there, with God, praising and singing (though he never really enjoyed singing so I'm not sure he's all THAT thrilled) and will never suffer again.'
But I think we Christians tend to gave way too many "pat" answers, mostly because we don't know what to say, or because we don't know what the heck (refrained there) we're talking about. So here's my real answer (because I don't feel very "good" nor "pat" at the moment):
No, I'm not happy that he's in heaven. I'm beyond furious! I think this was a stupid idea and I wish I could understand what HE was thinking when He tore such a good, decent and godly man out of our lives. He hadn't been sick; he wasn't suffering (until the morning he woke up); and I was told there was an 80 - 90% success rate for this surgery! Jim could've and should've done so much more in our community, in our church and in our family. I was making headway in getting him to go to Africa so he would've had an even bigger impact on our world.
I'm not happy that my children have lost their father. My sons, especially the youngest two, need him now more than they've ever needed him. And now they just have me. A grieving me. I wish they had him .... and not me. I wish with all of my heart that it had been me .... and not Jim. They need him so very much.
Yes, I know there's the whole "My thoughts are not your thoughts & My ways are not your ways" verse, but for the first time in my life, verses seem to ring a little shallow.
It's not that I'm turning from my faith -- heck I've had that longer than I had Jim, but it just seems far away right now. God seems very far away. He felt like He was a million miles away on the 18th when so many people were in battle, praying for Jim to live. To use one of Rick's illustrations from the Cantata: I feel like one tiny frozen pea, lost in the Astrodome of God's galaxy. And I don't or can't trust that He'll ever put me back in His arms again.
Yet.
5 comments:
I'm headed back to Houston but just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and praying for you and the kiddos. I was up late last night and couldn't sleep wondering how you were doing, whether you could sleep, whether you had freedom to just cry and let it out. No need to answer, just my thoughts. What I've come to love about you is how honest and genuine you are. I look at my children and think I can't imagine the agony I would experience if I'd ever lose one of them. It's NOT fair that you lost Jim. There ARE no easy answers for pain and unfair loss... and anger is a very normal part of grieving, which is a long road. This seems like a depressing comment so I'll just finish with the image of me eating a pina colada with a fork last night at the Mexican restaurant :) xoxo
My Darling Daughter,
I totally get what you are feeling. I'm sure there are many, many out there who do. I also feel you are totally justified in the way you feel. I also know that one of these days the anger and pain won't be so pronounced. But you know that too. I would give ANYTHING to take some of your pain. So many people love you and share your pain, although the pain we feel pales in comparison to what you and the kids are going through. All I can say is I love you so much and pray for you every few minutes. I hope there is some comfort for you all. I miss you and will be glad when you are home so I can talk to you.
Oh, did you hear Michael gave Kathy a dog bone in her Christmas stocking cause he forgot to shop?? I told him he was a loser! Gotta love the guy, huh?
Dearest Janine,
I love you, I love you, I love you.
I want so badly to take your pain away...but I know that only God and time will do that. You're in my heart every minute of every day.
Lisanne
You'll get no pat answers from me - and if you ever do, feel free to slap me - or just tell Alicia to slap me on your behalf.
Hey sis! I have been unable to get to a computer until now. We are in Tulsa and leaveing in the morning. I totally understand how you are felling and feel the same way you do most of the time. Mike keeps telling me that every thing happens for a reason but I am trying to understand what the reasoning is. He says that Jim touched so many people and helped in so many ways. Maybe we will never see what all he has done and why God took him from us so early in life but some one will because he touched their life, made a change in their life. I hope that one day I will be able to know why God took such a good man at such a young age and stop being so angry at God for doing that. I hope one day I will be able to pick up my bible again and not be so angry. I love you sis and wish that I could as well take away some of your pain. I hope I am not bring you down any further than you already are. I don't mean to if I am. I just want you to know that you are not the only one feeling the way you are and I don't think it is abnormal to feel this way. I know there is a God and that he loves us very much, I just don't know why things happen the way they do. Well, Mike is harping at me to go, so I will get off here and just let you know one last thing, I love you more than words can ever say and I am so glad you are my sister! Have a safe trip home tomorrow and I will be talking to you SOON!
Oh and Diane, I will email you on Monday, I don't have your email with me here in OK but I will e ya when I get back to Indy.
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