This is Jim with Son #2. He was around 5 months old --- 1992. They both look like babies! Well, one heart-wrenching, gut-wrenching event down this month. Four to go.
These are wonderfully awesome events. Or they should be. They would've been -- with Jim. Now they're days on a calendar that I need to prepare myself for. I need to be happy and excited and look forward to them. Well, to all of them except the last one.
Last night was the "Sr. Spotlight" at our church. This is the event where we focus on our graduating seniors, show pictures of them growing up, honor the hard work they've done and bless them in prayer for the future they'll move into. And actually, I did pretty well (thank you, Xanax), until the prayer. Everyone who feels a connection to the graduating senior comes up (while he/she kneels) and places a hand on him or on another person, so that everyone is connected at that moment. It's very special. And we pray. I cried a bit but really, did surprisingly well. My over-riding thought was not to embarrass Son #1 (yes, I know -- not my usual goal).
The next event is Daughter #2 & #3's 21st birthday. Big day. And they'll be here so it will be fun. And I'll get to watch them drink one and a half margaritas before they pass out, so that will be fun ( I'll take pictures). And wish that Jim were by my side.
Then comes Son #1's 18th birthday. Another big day. He's legal -- yay! I'm not sure what we're doing yet ---- he's a little more low-key than some of the others. I'll be wishing that Jim was by my side.
The 3rd event is probably the biggest...... Son #1's graduation. Family will be here. I'll be wearing a black robe, taking Jim's spot on the platform and handing Son #1 (and other kids I know) his diploma. And wishing that I were sitting in the audience watching Jim do this. And trying very, very desperately, not to humiliate Son #1 by blubbering all over the place.
The last event, which is not the last chronologically, but the worst in my mind, is our 25th anniversary. The one we didn't make. I haven't decided what I'm going to do that day. The best sounding option to me is to just stay in bed. And never wake up.
All of these events take place at the end of May, within days of each other. The birthdays are 3 days apart, the anniversary is the day after Son #1's birthday and then graduation is 3 days later.
What a week.
See why I'm feeling the need for support and comments? I need to make it through May.
And I'd like to do more than just "make it through"...... for my children. I'd like to enjoy May.
Miracles do happen ...... right?
7 comments:
this is just for you. If you want to post it or just some of it that's fine, but i just wanted to write you a note.
Janine you did great last night. I was very impressed and proud of you. Not only did you stand up for Spencer and definitely not embarrass him, you were able to stand up for the other kids. what a tremendous show of strength and faith and hope. yes, hope. for their future and for God's plans for all of them. these are exciting times and I do hope you can find a way to enjoy May. We all wish Jim was with you. I will continue to pray for you to "make it through" as well as to enjoy the milestones for Spencer and the twins.
love, Ruth
Janine,
You are stronger than you think - You will make it through May. It will be tough, but you'll make it. Jim will be at every one of those events in May, and I pray you will feel him there. Jim, along with our Savior, will be at you side, smiling, when you're giving that dipoloma to son #1.
Mommy...we'll be home. There will be some enjoyment. Not the whole time, I'm sure, but hopefully we'll be able to make it a bit better. The house needs some more estrogen.
Also, I FULLY intend on making it through that second margarita before I pass out. :)
Janine: The miracle is within you. Jim is not only within you forever, but within each of your children as well. He and they will bring back your smile and your joy in each milestone of your life and that of your children.
Eileen
Hi Janine,
We know you will make it through May but I'm so sorry it has to hurt so much during so many very happy events. You will be in my heart each of those days and I hope the celebration of these events can be felt and totally enjoyed for the wonderful occasions that they are. I wish I could be there to give hugs on those days....just know the hugs are coming through the miles every day.
Love to you all,
Jenni Baeder
This morning in the pouring rain the workers arrived and started the process of the final stage of our kitchen project. Basically I have "camped" out in my home. All the stuff had to come out of the cabinets and pantry while the cabinets were painted, all the wallpaper removed, etc..I never knew how excited I could become once I found the right hardware for the 21 knobs and 7 pulls. I can't tell you how many trips and exchanges I have made to Lowe's and Home Depot. This is quite a distraction to the girl who prefers Norstroms. But a girl has to do what a girl has to do....
Senior Spotlight and the prayer is difficult...I remember my tears, but more surprising was to see my mom tears. She is a rock and I seldom see her shed tears. It isn't just the obvious for you of not having Jim by your side, but it is our maternal side of letting go. I am impressed that you actually expect Son #1 to order the corsage.
I'm trying to remember if my #1 son did this...I guess if he liked the girl that much--he did. But if he was going as a friend, then he delegated to me.
The philosophy of paying for one degree--I have shared that with many parents. Amen on that...
I wish there were some magic words that could be said, read, or lit up on a billboard sign somewhere that could give strength and comfort at this time. It is bad enough to know that one of your children is leaving home--which is good. This is what they are suppose to do. But it is bittersweet when the person that helped shape them is not there to share the moment with you. I will keep you in my prayers for that extra measure of strength and peace that will be needed now.
Love,
Marlene
There are no magic words to see you through, but you will get "through" it all. The tears will come, you have so many good memories....hang on to them, focus on them and Him and He will see you "through" to the other side. What a full month you have. May you all be blessed.
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