Pondering .... and a confession

     This picture from one of the many, many, many Indian Guides/Princesses camp outs that Jim took our children to.   Hopefully you've realized it's a Guides camp out (circa 1997).  Jim is watching Son #2 (age 5) attempt to roast a marshmallow on a log.  Son #3, age 3, is learning at the hand of the master. 

     We got to the lake late last night.  It's so beautiful here.  This morning I had a wonderful visit from a woman who lives a couple of houses down.  Her husband was killed out here 2 years ago.  We had never really met until this morning.  We sat and talked for a while.  We shared our "stories".  It's interesting that she used the same exact words I have used many times before:  "I'm a member of a club that I didn't want to join."  I hate this club.  But, I have to admit, it has some amazing members.

     I've been pondering what my lovely friend/sister Julie said in her last comment.  She said that she realized that she has "been taking from me more than she's been giving" as she reads the blog.  And while I don't see myself as "giving" to anyone, I do see that the comments that people make "give" to me.  It's like they feed me and give me the strength to keep writing.  Sometimes they give me the strength to keep going.

     I don't see this blog as anything but me rambling.  I don't even know why I do it.  I started it in September as a humorous sharing of raising our family.  Many people had suggested it to me and I finally decided to cave in and give it a try.  Then I went to Kenya in November and my life was changed.  And so the tone of the blog changed a bit.  And then, less than a month later .... my world was shattered and the blog became something totally different.  It was a place for me to "vomit" my feelings and thoughts up.  And they just came.  I had no control over my fingers as they typed out what was inside me.  And people began commenting and supporting me.  It became something of a life line --- especially while we were on the cruise and all I wanted to do was jump over the railing.

     It's still a place for me to vent about this valley I'm in, and to keep friends and family apprised of what's going on with all of us.  But I have also realized that the comments are still a life line.  I confess that I do need them.  I guess I need to know that you aren't sick (and tired!) of hearing from me.  That you aren't fed up with the grief and depression.  And I need to know that you're praying for me/us and that you're still cheering me on.  

     Is that a bad thing?  That I still need support and encouragement?  After all, it has been almost 5 months.  Five months of loneliness compared to 27 years of Jim.  So, it's ONLY been 5 months.   Sometimes I think people must be tired of this.  I know I am.  But I don't have a choice.  This IS my life, no matter how much I hate it.  No matter how much I wish it weren't. 

No matter.

   So, just know that when you do comment (anonymously or not) or e-mail you are giving to me.  A lot.   So please comment.  Don't worry about trying to "sound" eloquent or having all of the right words.  Just let me know that you're still here.  

Because I need that.  A lot.