The wait ....

ahhhh, yes ..... "the wait".

     Funny how you can be so busy getting things taken care of, consumed by all of the things that need to be done, that you think you will not be consumed by "the wait".  You think you're OK with it and that it's really not that big of a deal.

     I don't really believe that was a mask ..... I really think that I had no time to be bothered by the prospect of "the wait".  

But now there is nothing but ....... "the wait".  

And with each hour that passes, "the wait" looms larger and larger.

  

     It is now very much personified.  It's a being that sits next to me.  It follows me around the house, as if to make sure that I don't get distracted for even a moment.  He's very selfish of my attention.

     And he seems to have the supernatural ability to reach inside of my body.  He has very, very thin, cold, bony fingers and hands, yet even in their boniness they are very powerful.  I can feel them wrap around my heart and give it a squeeze.  Not too tightly, for that might defeat the purpose.  Too tight of a grip might be the end, and then what joy would be left for "the wait"?

No, not too tightly .... just tight enough to let me know that he's there.  

     And then he grips my stomach .... a little more tightly than my heart.  That grip seems to be constant now .... and gets a bit stronger throughout the day.

     

     And then ...... then he grips my mind.  Because in gripping that, he can control all kinds emotions and fears. He can squeeze them out of all of the nooks and crannies into which I've hidden them.   And with that grip, he can hold back Hope and even Dreams, whatever dreams are still there (which really, are very, very few).  And he can squeeze thoughts up to the surface that I try to hide.  Thoughts such as, "With everything that has gone on in my life during the past 13 plus months, I will be shocked if there is NO cancer."  And, "What will happen to my children?  Not just physically, but emotionally ... and even more importantly, spiritually?" Thoughts like that which I try so hard to keep hidden.

     In my "before" days, I would have rebuked someone for allowing "the wait" to have a hold on them.  After all, that's not at all "Christian", is it?  We must take charge of what we're feeling, we must rebuke the one behind "the wait", we must pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, fix our mind on something positive ..... and move forward ..... leaving "the wait" behind us in the cold shadows.

     But now, in my "after", I realize how naive that woman was.  How ignorantly "in control" she thought she was (most of the time).  How much compassion she really had to learn.  And I am ashamed of her.  I am ashamed and so sorry for anything she might have said, or not said, to someone in an "after".  Not that it was her fault, really.  She didn't know ..... she couldn't know, many of things while in a "before life".  She could try to imagine how horrific an "after life" would be, but her imagining could never come close to the reality.

     

    And that is why I try to tell people, over and over and over, I do not blame anyone in a "before" for the things they say, or don't say;  for the things they do ..... or don't do.  They cannot imagine.  And it's not their fault.

And I hope and pray, with every fiber of my being .... that they never have to know.

     And so we hang out together this week .... "the wait" and I.  I would be grateful for any distractions.  Lots and lots and lots of distractions.

Because, the hard-to-admit truth is ...... I am very afraid of "the wait" and of the power he has.  And of the damage that power will do when combined with my very heavy weariness.

 I think that's something the "before" me would have found very difficult to admit:

I.  Am.  Afraid.