And in his place .....

..... Hope walked in.

Yep, I think around 10:30 or so last night I heard a wee knock on the door.  I opened it ..... just a crack ..... and there stood a little Hope.  Not full grown, but big enough to walk through the door, when I invited him in.

I have not seen Hope, in any shape or size, for almost 14 months.

I couldn't see him, and many times probably didn't even want to see him.

But there he was ..... finally.

And he seems to be settling in.  I hope so.  I'd like him to stay.

I cannot believe the outpouring of joy and relief and encouragement from all of you within the past 24 hours.  It has been amazing.

I think all of your joy caused Hope to grow a bit today.  He looks a little bigger.

So ..... thank you.  

Very, very much.

Yesterday I made a decision to go get a massage (thank you, L).  I realized, after a bit of urging, that my body is really starving for physical touch ..... not sexual, really, just touch.

And so I went.  

And it helped.

And now I plan on going once a week.  A treat for myself, my sanity, my starving body.

So I am relieved.  And hopeful.  And feeling so much better.

I'd love to tell you all that I slept really well last night, but that wouldn't be true.  

I did manage to fall asleep before midnight (yay!!) but woke up around 2:30 and didn't sleep much after that.  

But it's a totally different kind of not-sleeping, and I can deal with that.  I don't think it will last.

I know that I still have a long road ahead of me .... this grief thing is not quick, or neat, or anything else consistent.  But now I can focus on getting through the grief, instead of grieving and stressing and going through hell all at once.

In an interesting side-note on my grief ...... today I received a phone call so incredibly horrible that it's really more unbelievable than horrible.

I was not home all day (went to see "Slum Dog Millionaire" after work, which was amazing!!) so when I came home I checked my messages.

I had two, one from Daughter #1 and one from a woman who is going to return to work tomorrow and most likely feel like a complete idiot, at the very, very least.

She works for the same firm that Jim worked for.  I will not name it here, but it is a very large, very well-known accounting firm.  

Here was the message she left:

"Hi, this is ________ calling from ______.  This message is for James.  We need to update some of your tax information as a partner with the firm.  Please call me back at _________, or e-mail me at __________ as soon as you can.  Thank you, and have a good day."

....................................... yes, really.

I stared at my phone for a good 30 seconds or so, while the bile and rage rose up from my stomach to the back of my throat.

Now, I must tell you that I get mail all of the time for Jim.  The mail that ticks me off the most is the stuff from our local schools for him, because he WAS on the school board.

It happens at least once a week.  Last week I wrote DECEASED on the envelope and sent it back to the high school which sent it ..... asking for a donation from him for Project Graduation.

But this ....... this takes the cake.

And left me stunned.

And so, I listened to it two more times, just to make sure she said "James" and to write down her phone number.

She had already left for the day, as I'm assuming she's on the east coast.

My message for her went pretty much like this:

"Hi ____________.  This is txmomx6 (and I spelled the last name to make sure she'd fully get it right) and I'm returning your phone message that you left for my husband Jim, also known as James, who was a partner at ___________.  I'm not sure where the communication break down is in this firm but he DIED OVER A YEAR AGO!!!  I cannot believe that this phone call was made to my house.  I realize that you are not the person to blame, but I am still stunned.  I would REALLY appreciate it if you could tell whoever you work for that evidently there's a HUGE problem in communication at __________, and if  you'd please pass on the information that Jim died on December the 18th, 2007 so that this never, EVER happens again -- to me or anyone else, I'd appreciate it.  Again, I'm sorry that you had the misfortune to carry out this task.

Thank you."

I think I handled it pretty well, all things considered.

There is no excuse for that.  None at all.  

He was more than a partner.  He was the head of the Energy Division for this firm, at least in one large section of the country.

I wish I could tell you that this was just a fluke, and things like this never happen.  But the more women I meet in this Circle, the more stories I hear.  

I am finding out that there are all kinds of situations for which ..... there-are-no-words.

Thankfully, for me ..... and especially for the woman who left the message, "the wait" had left and "Hope" has come. 

 

Or my voice mail back to her would have been an all-together different kind of message.

Have a good evening.

Son #3, Hope and I are going to relax and spend some time together.

It will be a good night.