As I wait for the Ambien to kick in .....

..... I have something to write about.  

This is something that occurred to me today and something that's aimed at widows and at helping you to understand them just a bit better.

As we all know .... I was up until 4-stinking-o'clock ..... in spite of taking an Ambien 10 at 10:30 p.m.  Go figure.

And so when I got up around 8:00 this morning, I was till tired.  And I remained tired.

I finally decided to attempt to take a nap around 10:30 or so this morning.

And soon remembered why I have not tried this in almost 14 months.

I cannot go and lay in my bed and hope for sleep to come soon.  

Nope.

Not possible.

Doesn't happen.

Hasn't happened.

Instead, here's what happened:  I crashed on the bed, got in my most comfy position, and waited.  

But instead of sleep ..... I had memories.  And feelings.  And thoughts. And dreams.  And nightmares.  And reality.  And suspending reality.  

And oh so much more.

For about 2 hours.

I really, truly felt as if I was losing my mind.  

And as I lay there, trying to focus on my need for rest, and realized within 20 minutes or so that it was not going to happen, the emotions rose up and took control and the tears flooded forth.

And here's the place where I just might lose any of you who are NOT a widow .........

....... I really, really needed a nap.  My body was craving one, but my mind would not contribute.  And I lay there .... with sleep being far, far away ..... and just cried.  And then I thought,  "I wish I could call someone whom:  #1.  I know.   Someone (male or female) who's bigger than I am  and-- #2.  would be perfectly OK with me calling him/her up and asking if he/she would be willing to climb into bed with me (totally and fully clothed!) and then ..... just hold me ..... so that I can fall asleep.  Someone who would take the time to lay behind me and cradle me in their arms for about the 5 to 10 minutes it would take for me to drop off effortlessly."

But there was no one.

That's all.  Not so much, really ...... but actually very, very huge.

My mind filed through several people .... but I couldn't come up with some one who would be physically up for the calling and emtionally OK with it.

Not.Many.At All.

And so I didn't sleep.

Not a wink.

And now feel so much worse.

And that, my friends, is what's constantly happening in the lives of the women in this Circle.

We are alone.

We feel lonely.  Very, very lonely.

All we desire is for someone bigger than we are to hold on to us tightly while we fall asleep.  Nothing sexual at all, for that is still far, far from our minds.  

It's a matter of feeling secure .... for even a brief moment in time ...... and feeling protected.

Two things we have not felt since the hour our husband died.  Two very important feelings.

Just so you know .....