Sleep seems to be overrated

(I started this post last night but finally went to bed around 2:00 a.m. without finishing it -- so here it is, after adding to it and finishing it today ...... with some very difficult words).

..... my body feels so very heavy and tired ...... and yet I cannot seem to fall asleep, since it's now well after midnight.

I went out tonight .... to our church's annual youth dinner theatre, which raises money for their summer trip.

Tonight it seemed that it took all of my strength to just raise a fork to my mouth to take a bite of dinner.  And so .... I did not eat much.  It took too much energy.

Dinner is always followed by skits performed by the teenagers.  It's always entertaining.  But tonight I had to leave before it was over.  I guess I missed the last 3rd of the program .... the first part I've missed in several years ..... if I've even missed any, which .... come to think of it, I haven't.  I could feel the small amount of energy that I had draining out of my body very rapidly.  But at least no one noticed (?) that I left early since it was dark in the sanctuary.

I am hoping that this is just the lasting effects of the drugs.  Well, the drugs combined with the massive amount of stress and anxiety I've had for a couple of weeks (or a year?).  

I. Am.  Exhausted.  

I've never had mono or anything else that seems to zap your energy level a great deal (other than a newborn ..... or better yet ..... two newborns!) .... so this is difficult for me.  

Hopefully it will continue to improve.

Thank you for your prayers as I wait.  I do not like "the wait" but I cannot avoid it.  So.... I wait.

     And now it is Sunday.  Today I feel better, though I can still feel some of the effects.  I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why they don't tell patients who get large amounts of such drugs, "DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, MAKE ANY HUGE DECISIONS FOR AT LEAST A WEEK!!!".

Maybe they do?  In the case of surgeries?  But I got nuthin'.

Just the usual "don't drive today, don't lift anything today, don't have any fun today" blurbs.  But no indication that I'd be feeling like crap for more than a day.

Oh well.

I just finished my first "Shack" discussion post.  We'll see how that goes.

     I was blessed today at church.  In many ways actually, but in one huge way that will stand out in my mind for a long time.

I almost didn't go this morning .... still feeling groggy and not really wanting to socialize, but I went.  God must've been nudging extra hard.

     Anyway, the service had just started and we were standing and singing.  I was feeling tired, lonely without Jim, and a little sad ....... when suddenly I sensed someone standing next to me and I turned to see one of my lovely Circle friends standing there with her two daughters, coming to visit our church and to sit with me.  I thought I was going to cry.  I hugged her hard and said a quiet "thank you" to God, because He knew that her face was exactly what I needed to see at that very moment.

     I was blessed several more times ..... by the wonderful message that my amazing friend gave, by people coming up to me to give me a hug, by a few people coming up to me and saying, "Please keep blogging.  Please.", and by a woman who I had never met before ..... who has been in this Circle for 4 years and has gone through her own medical issues since then.  She heard about mine and she knew what I am going through, so she came up to talk to me.  And to encourage me.

I. Was. Am. Blessed.

     And so I thank all of you who take the time to read this blog.  I thank you for caring about me.  I thank you for praying for me.

(And here comes the difficult part because I don't want anyone to feel anything negative from my words.  They are not intended to do anything but give me release and share what I have to share.)

I thank you for caring about me enough to really want to get to know me by reading it.  There are many complete strangers out there who know me much better than many of the people who think they do.  

I have friends who don't read the blog, who can't read the blog.  There are various reasons .... not enough time, it's too painful, the belief that I should be telling my friends what I feel instead of writing it ....... I'm sure there are many more.  And I'm mostly OK with that.  

I know that I am not the center of the universe and that people have busy lives and their own "stuff" going on.  And truly, I'm good with that.

I know that sometimes my blog makes my friends ache for me.  And I'm sorry for that.

I know that there are people out there who desire for me to be as open with them, verbally, as I am here.

And I wish that I could.  But as I've written (and said) before ..... I was never that kind of person. Never.  

     And so to be asked to verbally share what I cannot, feels like I'm drowning; & like I'm being asked to jump off of a roof and fly when I know that I can't.

     To be asked how I'm feeling by someone who won't read my feelings makes me feel like my answer should be "fine".

     But mostly .....  I feel like I'm not being heard.  And .... that someone is not really, really .... wanting to hear ..... and thus, know ..... me.

     But I still write ...... and I guess that I write for three main reasons.

  

First, I write because I have to.  This is the only outlet I have for releasing what builds up inside of me.  It's taken me a while to recognize my writing for what it is .... it's what keeps me from going insane, it's what keeps me from doing something horrible to release what's inside me, and it keeps me alive.

Second, I write (and publish) so that I'm heard.  So that those of you who really do want to know what I'm feeling ..... really, .... can know.  So that, in knowing what I'm feeling, you will understand me a bit better.  And maybe, if you ever need someone on this path to listen to you, you'll come to me.

And the third reason that I write is ..... because of you.  Because of all of the encouragement, support, love, prayers, etc. that you give me. And because you keep telling me to write, so that you will not only understand me better, but you will understand others better.  We all, at one time or another, will one day be on some kind of "path".  And your encouragement for my writing honestly, of my raw emotions, of my bottomless amount of pain, of my good days, the hellish days, the blessings, the humor, the horrific tragedy ..... and the hope that this will get better ..... is what keeps me writing ..... publicly.  You asking me to keep writing so that you can learn from my life keeps me writing.  You telling me that I've made a difference in how you now see hurting people keeps me writing.  

You.  

And I wish that I could tell you how valued, how loved, how encouraged,  how supported and  how validated YOU make me feel for caring that much.

But ..... there are no words.