I Miss My Heart

                                 My Heart ..... and me:

Yes, indeed.  I miss him.

Quite a lot.

And today, I can type those words without crying.

Life is starting to look a little brighter, in spite of the half of my heart that is gone.

     I have seen a little bit of the "before Janine" this week.  Now, don't get excited ..... it's only a bit, and I know that she will never fully be back, but bits and pieces are OK.

I've been a bit anal retentive this week.  

For the first time in over 490 days.

     I am vacuuming the dog hair out of my family room every day.

Every. Single. Day.

Yep ..... that's part of the "before me".

The scary "before me".

But I'm OK with that.

     Today was a good day.

Actually ..... today was a very good day.

I played tennis ..... and though I lost all 3 sets ..... I played very well.  The points were long and hard-fought.  I don't mind losing when I know I have played well.  It felt great.

In spite of the pain meds I had to take before and after.

It was well-worth it.

     Then I went to work.  I haven't been to work all week because of the medical crapola that's been going on.

I love my job.  I love my co-workers.

I just love being there.

I may put a cot in my office.

Anyone want to finish raising a 14 year old boy?

And a horse/dog?

     I came home around 3:30 and found that ...... are you sitting down??? .......

progress has been made:

     they floated the floor today:

I could cry.

Really.

Pathetic, isn't it?

Hey ..... I take joy from whence it comes.

     Oh ..... and the hole in the wall?  Well, the contractor wants to move the wall back on an angle in the study, and put in French doors to make it more interesting (I forgot that over a year ago we had discussed this) and so she wanted to look inside the wall.

So there you go.  Mystery solved.

     I'm happy for the progress because I had to call her yesterday (and text and e-mail) and leave a very frustrated message.  I had been out of the house for two full days, thinking the floor would be worked on ...... and not a single soul had entered my home.

I was not happy.

To put it mildly.

And so I told her.

     She called right away and apologized and said that she had had to fire the floor guys ..... for reasons that I shall not repeat here ..... but let's just say that they may not have always had a clear mind when doing their jobs.

A-hem.

     I thanked her for telling me and assured her that, yes .... I did need to know that.

So she had just hired a new guy, someone I've heard good things about from other people so I'm good with that.

And so we are floated.

     And now I will turn our attention toward a topic that seems to be freaking the majority of you out more than it is me:   the Big "C".

Yes .... it is very strange to utter, or even think, the words, "I have cancer.", but there ya go.

I have received so many e-mails, texts, and phone calls from friends and family who are seriously freaked about this ..... especially, and of course, my children.

But I'm OK with it.  Really.

I mean ..... of course I'd rather not have it at all ..... and would really rather have God let me have a totally clean bill of health ...... but for some reason ..... He doesn't see fit to do that.

And so there is a small knot in the pit of my stomach, or in the back of my brain ..... but it's small.  I really am relying on the doctor's words that the odds are in my favor.  

I am choosing to not worry about this ...... not a lot anyway.

I know that there are different kinds of cancer that are just there ..... in people's bodies and that nothing is done to treat them, because the treatment could be worse than the non-growing cancer itself.

But I do thank you, my loving and caring and praying Peeps ..... for being concerned.  It is strange to think of someone having cancer and nothing being done for it.

Strange, but not unheard of.

     Tomorrow I am heading out of town for a glorious and very-much-anticipated-and-needed girls' weekend.

I.  Can.  Not.  Wait.

     I haven't decided if I will bring along my computer, though in all honesty .... I probably will.

But in case I do not post ....... it is time for another question.  And I expect much diverting and fun discussion ....... so feel the pressure and do a good job.

Let's see ....... OK ..... here's a very deep and introspective one ........ and no fair just copping out and saying that you don't have an answer!!!

     Tell me one thing ...... JUST ONE ..... no matter how big or how small ....... that, if you could live part of your life over ...... you would do differently now ...... knowing what you know now.

Again .... don't cop out.  Everyone has at least one thing that they wish they had done differently.  I'm not suggesting that you'd live your life over again ..... or that you'd live your whole life differently (I certainly wouldn't), but tell me ONE thing you'd do differently ..... one decision you might have made differently ..... if given the chance.

     I'll start ...... for me ...... one thing I would have done differently is our wedding.  If I had to do it all over again I would have done it very, very small ..... maybe even eloped.  It's a lot of hoopla and pressure for such a short time (not to mention expense).  I wish we could have been married on the cruise ship that we honeymooned on.

     There you go ....... it's not so hard.  Make it as deep or as shallow as you want ..... but discuss.

It makes things SO much more interesting.

     If you don't hear from me over the weekend ...... presume that I am having a blast.

Because I intend to.

Later, Peeps.

UPDATE:  T.A.N.W.

Daughter #3 has written something about her mother on a web site.  People read these submissions and then vote.  

I just read what she wrote ..... and I am speechless.

Click here to read it ..... and vote on it, if you'd like.  Make sure that you enter "most popular stories first in the drop down menu.

Her on-line name for this article is "leggs", but you should be able to recognize the pictures.

I think it may take you to the first page, and her article is on page 46.

Have I told you lately that I love my children?

Thank you Daughter #3 ...... so very much more than I can say.

I have the most amazing children.

UPDATE ON THE UPDATE:

As Susan commented .... you might find Daughter #3's post easier if you click on "stories with photos first" .... she found it around the 6th or 7th.  

As you are searching for it .... look for the author named "Leggs" and the first/main photo she uses is the one that is at the top of my blog with me and the 6 kids.

Don't forget to vote ..... I'm not sure what she wins, but it's worth a shot.

:)