Here's what I came home to this morning, after playing tennis (good tennis) --
-- this is my dining room:
This is my living room. I'm not sure why the left the piano ... I'm certainly not moving it!
So .... a little improvement. Some day they will float the floor and then one day .... one, far off day ...... they will lay the wood.
Or so I keep hoping.
Here's something to entertain you ........
this ......
and this ........
....... scare the crud out of this!
She is such a giant weenie!! I think she's like most big bullies ..... she acts all tough when I get the broom out, growling at it and bouncing around like she's going to bite it in two ..... until it gets about 12 inches away from her ....... then she tucks her tail and runs.
She is such a giant weenie!! I think she's like most big bullies ..... she acts all tough when I get the broom out, growling at it and bouncing around like she's going to bite it in two ..... until it gets about 12 inches away from her ....... then she tucks her tail and runs.I seriously hope I never find myself in the need of being guarded or protected ..... by her, anyway.
One day when I feel the need to be a bit mean, I'll video this experience ..... and hope that some of you don't call Animal Protection.
This afternoon I brushed her back .... and only her back ..... for about 5 minutes, no more.
This is the result:
I could've kept brushing all day ..... it never eased up. The more I brushed, the more hair I got. I think she has a serious problem.
No ...... wait ...... scratch that.
I think I have a serious problem.
Son #1 and the two girls come home tonight ..... for Son #3's Confirmation this Sunday.
It will be good to have them in the house again.
I talked with Daughter #1 today ..... for the first time in over 2 months!! We finally figured out the phone thing. It was great to hear her voice and make some plans for my visit.
She's doing well, but is really sick of the grey skies of Moscow.
That girl, very much like her mother, needs some serious sun to survive.
I don't know how my brother and his wife do it in Alaska winters.
I'd be in the local papers for going nuts and killing a moose or something.
No doubt.
So ..... yes, this weekend is Confirmation. A day I've been dreading. Interestingly enough, I haven't cried about it one time this week. Tonight we take pictures, so my streak may be broken.
But there's a reason, I think, that I haven't cried this week.
I've struggled with posting this ..... and haven't ..... until now.
I've always tried to be honest on this blog ..... to tell you how I'm feeling ..... what's good and not good in my "after", but I struggled with this one thing.
I kept telling myself that it wasn't anyone's business ..... and it's not.
But if I'm going to continue to be honest ..... for not only my friends and family, but really for other widows ..... I need to stop holding back.
I decided to go back on my anti-depressants a couple of weeks ago. For those who were keeping track .... you probably didn't even know that I had gone off of them. But I did, at the end of December. It seemed, then, that I didn't need them anymore.
And then the tumor-thing came along ..... and re-rocked my world. And after the surgery I started spiraling down.
I figured it was just the surgery and the pain and pushed ahead with staying off the meds.
And then on Easter ..... I changed my mind.
In fact, I had already gone to bed for the night ..... and lay there thinking ...... WAY too much ....
and then thought, "CRAP!!!" ..... and I got out of bed and took my first one.
I gave in.
I surrendered.
Because I was tired of thinking WAY too much, and seeing only black, and thinking quite frequently ...... "It would be so easy .........".
That was why I went on them in the first place, about a month or so after Jim died. I couldn't stop thinking ...... "It would be sooooo easy ........."
I was aware enough to know ..... that I shouldn't be thinking that. I caught myself ..... just in time.
As I did on Easter Sunday.
I will admit that I felt like I had been beat when I went back on them. I felt I had somehow failed and that I am weak.
Not in my brain ..... I know that I need this medicine, very much like I need my cholesterol medicine (no matter what some people may think).
I know it without a doubt.
But my heart felt sad.
Very sad.
It still feels a little sad, but not so much now.
Especially when it realizes that I haven't cried ..... about Confirmation .... all week.
I have no doubt that I will fall apart on Sunday morning .... and I'm OK with that.
But I also have no doubt that it will not be as bad as it would have been.
Had I not gotten out of bed on Easter night.
14 comments:
Janine,
thank you, as always, for your incredibly honest words. not only in your blog, but in e-mails to me.
you know that your honesty and willingness to share with me this past week gave me courage to make decisions for myself.
I love you
Wow, you are so honest - especially with yourself. What a great thing that you know what you need and when you need it. Thanks so much for sharing. I hope it helps you as much as it helps the people who are reading. I agree with you that it is like your cholesterol medication - when you need it you need it and that is it. I find you to be very inspirational. Even though I still have my Jim I think about what it would be like to lose him too soon. Our dear, dear friends have gone through this same situation and you have helped me so much to better understand what my friend lives through day in and day out. I am not sure if I am doing things differently now that I read your blog every day but I know that I understand differently and I think differently. My friend who passed away was such a dear person and we miss him every day still 4 years later. Your family is so lucky to have you - you really do seem like an awesomely special person. Thanks again for sharing - it really does mean a lot. Kim (Canada)
Janine, I prayed about what I could possibly say to you. You are so honest with "us" and your self. You do evidently know yourself really well and are wise in the way you take care of yourself. Someone sent me a quote today to help me and it was really sent for you...my former pastor had been known to say..."when you think you can't take another step(or face one more thing)then pray "Lord, I can't. You can. Let's go.". That greatly encouraged me today. I pray it will encourage your heart too. Just keep crying out to Him as you have been and He will sustain you and give you more than enough grace on Sunday to do what you have to do. Psalm 3:3 May He be the lifter of your head. Enjoy your children this week end...Love, Mary Lou
Janine,
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I say do whatever you have to do to help you. It doesn't matter what others think, if they were in your shoes, they would understand. This crying thing gets real frustrating and I wonder if I will ever be where you are at and ever as strong. Hugs to you, Lorry
Good afternoon my darling daughter.
You are so amazing in your honesty. I know it must be hard sometimes, but you reach and help so many who are reading your blog. I'm sure you will never really know how many you have helped. I am thankful you are smart enough to know when you need help, and then to act on it. I love you dearly.
Janine, thanks for sharing your struggles & being honest, especially about the anti-depressants. I'm glad you were able to realize that you needed to go on them (both times) and do what needed to be done. And there is nothing wrong with that. :) I think sharing your struggles & the fact that the medicine has helped you may also help other Christians find the courage to mention their depression - sometimes 'those' kind of drugs are so looked down on in Christian circles - like, Oh, you should just depend on God, you shouldn't need medicine...or maybe that's just Baptists. So thank you for sharing that. :)
Also, has it been really hot lately? Maybe that's why Gabby's been shedding so much -or has she always been like that? I have no idea, but wow, that's a lot of fur!!!
Thanks for your honesty...this is such a taboo topic, when it really shouldn't be. We are made up of many chemical reactions, hormones, pain receptors, that are complicated and then there is a whole multitude of ways we can be stressed and these have an effect on the multitude of processes going on in our bodies.
As someone who has been on anti-depressants for a long time, I couldn't function without them. Yes, they narrow the range of emotions I have. I don't have "natural" extreme highs to express joys in my life. But I willingly accept this limitation, to prevent the other side..the obsessive negative thoughts, self-destructive thoughts and many others. Anti-depressants keep me functional so I can have a full life, with the ability to love and engage in my relationships and community. Without anti-depressants, I would be "inside my head" all the time, and not be able to love and be concentrating my thoughts towards my relationships and community as I need to.
Thank you for bringing up this great topic, and again for your honesty.
Don't get so worried about taking antidepressants--they will help and they are needed. It's not like you are a druggie or anything.
You are such a strong person--quite beating yourself up about the antidepressants...pleeze?
as someone who has also been on anti depressants for a large portion of my life... i know how you feel. i HATE the fact that i will probably be on this medication for the rest of my life... but i think i have come to terms with the fact that i am simply treating a medical condition-- no different than diabetes, high blood pressure, or cholesterol, as you mentioned.i can't fathom going throught what you have and being able to deal with all of it without anti-depressants. the fact that you're on them and you're willing to share that with all of us does nothing but increase my already huge respect for you. you're amazing.
I'm a long-time lurker, first time poster but I had to reply to this very honest post. You are absolutely not a failure! You are far braver than many people who would have ignored what their mind was telling them and gone on slowly drowning. IT's far better to stay at the surface than to have to fight back up to it again.
Depression is a topic I feel strongly about. My mom deals with it by not dealing with it. My sister has attempted suicide several times and is now on meds and is doing much much much better.
I pray for you daily and admire your strength. I'll be thinking of you a lot this weekend. Congratulations to Son #3 on his confirmation!
Shelley
Dear Janine:
First of all, I want to say I understand about the shedding thing with the dog. My dog, who does not have long hair, but very fine hair, seems to shed all year long (I always thought it was only in the fall!) and it's the kind of hair that sticks to EVERYTHING and is difficult to get off. Wearing dark clothes is not a good thing in my house! :/
Your thoughts on taking an anti-depressant were so transparent and all of us who are there with you understand. I took them shortly after my George died at the insistance of my very kind and wise doctor. He felt I needed a mild one to function, but not take away the sadness completely, because he wanted me to deal with the grief. There had been a time during my five years that I felt that I didn't need them. But then some difficult situations within my family began happening and the tears flowed constantly and I knew I needed the help again. I am thankful that these medications are available. I believe, just as you said, they are needed to help us with our emotional pain, just as other medicines are needed to help with physical conditions.
So in essence I am saying that you are a very wise woman, knowing that right now this is what is needed to help you cope during these difficult days. You, my friend, are a courageous woman and a blessing to all who read your blog.
Beth in NC
Funny pictures and story about your dog!
As for the meds...God has provided us with medecine. It is not weak to use such gifts. I am glad He lead you to do the right thing.
JB
I so agree with everyone's comments. You are amazing and I love you so much. And...I cannot wait to see video of Gabby and a broom/vacuume!!! I promise I will not call animal protection. Enjoy the kids this weekend. Love you tons
It's not being weak when you realize you need a little help. Have a good weekend.
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