.... another long day.
I should be at the lake, but Son #2 is playing in the band tomorrow at church so we are home. My hip wasn't up to the drive ... twice in 24 hours. My mom was bummed, as am I. Sorry Mom.
So today, instead of relaxing at the lake, I paid bills and then tackled my study .... which had what seemed like thousands of papers that needed to be filed.
But before I could file them I needed to clean out all of the files. There were some that needed to be tossed and some that needed to be moved.
The ones that needed to be tossed were sometimes tough.
Little waves of files.
Like the file that Jim made after we went to the boat show in early 2007. He sat and talked for quite a while to a man who owned a small yacht. They talked about how wonderful retirement was for him and his wife as they sailed all over the place on their boat.
And Jim dreamed.
And I dreamed with him about his dream ... which then became our dream.
And he started a file, filled with information and business cards and pamphlets about boats.
And today .... I tossed out that file ..... and that dream.
I. Truly. Hate. This.
Someone commented that as I throw out the dreams I am making room for new ones.
I don't want new ones.
I want him.
Some days I can start to think about dreaming new dreams (can't actually dream them yet).
Some days I cannot.
I know that they will come.
But not today.
Yesterday I spent some time going over the draft of my new will.
It has been SUCH an uplifting weekend!
Actually, there were some uplifting moments.
Last night I sat and watched one of my favorite movies ("The Philadelphia Story" with Cary Grant and Katharine Hepburn) with my brother and sister. I needed that time .... very much. I needed to just sit with them and get filled up with love after this past week.
They do a very good job of that.
And while I was there I received a call ..... from Lorry. HI Lorry!!!!!
We've only met through my blog ..... on line, so it was great to hear her voice. It was a very good conversation, filled with laughter and with tears. I hope we get to meet face to face one day.
Thank you, Lorry, for taking the time to call. It meant very much.
Today my sister called me and we had a long conversation while she drove to Indianapolis.
I love my sister. She makes me laugh and she loves me unconditionally. She is a wonderful woman and an awesome sister and friend.
And tonight I made dinner for the Sons and we sat and ate and laughed together.
I. Love. My. Children.
Very, very much.
So yes ...... one day I will dream.
One day.
And while I wait for that day I share my life with you, my Peeps. Thank you for being here with me.
Tonight I am sharing some pictures of the wreckage renovation of the bedrooms upstairs:
These are of Son #2's bedroom. The only thing that's new in all of these is the floor.
This was a very small linen closet. There was a lot of space behind it so we knocked out the back wall and made it bigger. Yay for bigger closets! (p.s. That nice little hole is the place where Daughter #2's satanic adorable cat loves to escape into the attic ..... for days. Thankfully I got her to come out yesterday after an hour of coaxing and we were able to close the hole. I was tempted to let them close it up after 45 minutes of failed coaxing, but didn't want to have to deal with the smell that I knew would soon ensue. I only considered it so please don't call PETA).
This is a picture of the girls' bedroom:
This is a picture of Son #1's bedroom:
And these are of Son #3's bedroom:
So as you can see, there are no beds upon which to sleep upstairs. Which means that the Sons are camping out downstairs, which they enjoy but which is starting to drive me mad. There is stuff all over this house that should be upstairs. I'm trying very hard to just let it go and not go mad, but I'm starting to notice small cracks in my sanity.
Only small ones so we're OK .... for now.
Just don't stand too close.
:)
8 comments:
When Jim died, so many other things in your life died as well. I wonder if these words may somehow connect with your experience of dreams dying: "Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore stand in awe of God." (Ecclesiastes 5:7)
Al
Hello Janine! First of all, I am so sorry that I caught you at a bad time!! I wish you would have said something and I could have called at a more convenient time. I'll wait for your call next, that way I know you're not busy. It was so nice talking to you, and I too hope one day we will be able to meet face to face.
Dreams....hmmm, right now all I have are nightmares. You still seem to be able to give me hope knowing that one day I might be able to dream again. Thank you.
I hope the rest of your weekend goes well my friend. Hugs to you, Lorry
Wow, sounds like you had a hard day - I can't even imagine. My husband has been talking about writing our wills, and I am resisting, because who wants to ruin a perfectly good day by talking about dying? We have a will for who takes care of our little boy if something happens to both of us, but that's it. I will be praying for you & hope your hip starts feeling better soon!
Lorry --- It was NOT at a bad time!!!!! Please put that right out of your mind. It was at a most excellent time and it made me feel wonderful to talk to you.
You may call at any time .... and trust me, if I need to ask if I can call you back, I will. And please don't wait for me to call if you want to talk .... I am HORRIBLE at calling people (this may get many comments from my friends who will jump in and say "AMEN!").
Thank you SO MUCH for calling!!!! :)
Carrie -- Please do NOT postpone doing that any longer. No, it's not a fun way to spend an afternoon, but it's not as horrible as it sounds, either. It's mostly boring. :)
Trust me .... had we not had wills, my grieving would have been so much worse because of all of the crap I would have had to deal with on that end.
Use my experience ... of course you never want to think about one of you dying suddenly, but ......
Now go make your husband happy and tell him you're ready to work on the will! :)
Janine, I will say amen to your last comment about writing your wills. Of course, being an attorney's wife I believe in them heartily, ha, ha. Seriously, they are a good thing to have taken care of and it does ease things when something unexpected happens. Also, the older we get(you are not there yet) it is good to have power of attorneys, one general and one for health care so that things are so much eaier for the loved ones who might have to step in and take care of you. My mother was so wise and did this just a few short years before it did become necessary and it made my life really simple. It is hard to think about not being here,needing help in everyday life, but that is part of life here on earth. It is truly showing love to prepare for the future in that way.
I too am very sorry that you have had such a rough week and that everything is so torn up in your house, but one day soon it will all be back in place and everything will be even lovelier than it was before.
Praying that today will be full of the Sonshine of His love and that worship will lift you and that your hip will ease up on you. You are enjoying your sons...you are a very wise woman as I have said before and will say again. You set a beautiful example for all of us. Blessings...(sorry to be so long winded)..hugs and prayers....Mary Lou
Curious. What is the yellow painted box/house/dog house? in the girls bedroom with colored hand prints on the roof? (Left hand corner of the girl's bedroom picture)
Hi, this is T (Teresa) in Las Vegas. Wow your post really hit home. My "counselor" has been searching for a way to help me find "joy" in the "future". So...his assignment a few weeks ago was for me to write "what could my future life me life look like?" And I feel a lot like you said , in that I don't want a NEW future, or NEW dreams, I want MY life back, with Brian. It IS such an amazing thing to do, to live everyday, when you feel like your "Life" is no longer here.
But, I too, am SO SO grateful for my son Colin. He is my joy for now. I know that is not healthy for him to be THE JOY in my life, that I will have to find my OWN life again someday, but, not today, I still am wanting the one back that Brian and I dreamed of.
I hope that this note, does for you, what yours did for me, made me feel "not alone" in my feelings. Thank you so much, T
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