Do You Ever Want to Run Away?

Stupid question .... I know.

If you're a mother ..... you've felt that urge many, many times.

If you're a widow .... I can only imagine how many times you've felt it.

I seem to be feeling it a lot lately.

As I have written here before .... too many times to count, God has blessed me with the most amazing friends and family.

I love each of them and they all bring something different into my life.

But lately ..... I feel as if I am severely disappointing many of them.

They all want to help me.  They all want me to feel better.  They all want me to be happy and full of life.

And I have no idea how to make that happen.  The only thing I do know is this:  I can NOT MAKE it happen.

And neither can they.

Yes, it has been well over a year now.

But so what?

The waves are still out there .... still waiting to catch me unaware.  

Yes, they are slowly getting fewer and farther between ..... but sometimes the progress is too slow to see.

And when I have hectic weeks like the past two, where I feel as if I am running from one doctor's appointment to the next, not able to even catch my breath ..... I have no idea how to "let" anyone help me.

All I can do is ask for prayer, which I've consistently done.

If you remember the "What Not to Say" list ..... then you may recall that I said you should never offer a grieving person these words ..... "What can I do?"  or "What do you need?" because they have no idea.

Well, I'm a year and a half out and there are still many days when I STILL have no idea what it is I need.

I know that this hurts my friends, I know that they would like some specific answers from me, but I have none to give.

And knowing that I am disappointing them hurts me more than I can say.  

I don't know how to tell them that I love them, even when I'm not calling.  I love them, even when I'm not asking for things.  I love them ..... period.

It hurts that I feel I must put on a mask to make people happy .... so they won't be disappointed. Because in putting on that mask, I am not being seen, or heard.

And sometimes I feel that I am not wanted to be seen .... or heard.  I am wanted to feel better.

God has put different people in my life for different purposes.  I am loved in so many ways.  But I cannot seem to make everyone feel "equally loved".  And so some people feel hurt.  I feel as if I'm being pulled in too many directions, when I barely have enough energy to go in one!

And if I am responsible for causing someone I love too much pain, I'd rather they step back from our friendship than keep hurting.  

I cannot say often enough ...... I am NOT the Janine who was here 18 months ago.  I will NEVER be the Janine who was here 18 months ago.  

And I am having to learn to deal with it ..... one day at a time.  

It is one of the many, many horrible things about being on this path.  We have to learn to live differently.  And so do our friends.  And sometimes, our friends have to decide if living with the new person is worth it.

It may not be.  

I certainly wouldn't blame anyone for bailing out on all of this pain.  It sucks.

All I can ask is ...... until you ever find yourself on this path with us (which I pray fervently that you never do) ..... please, please, please try to love a grieving person unconditionally .... for as long as they need.  

  

If you find that you cannot help yourself from expecting them to act a certain way, or say certain things, or be a certain person ...... please do all you can to NOT put that on them.  We are all just trying to breathe and take care of our children and ourselves. 

And if that gets too hard, or too painful, it's OK to step away.

Because we love you and don't want you to hurt anymore.