San Diego Pics ....

Today was a good day.

Who would've thunk?

Especially because I felt that last night I lost a friend.

I was in pain and a bit of shock.

As I've written before, some friends cannot deal with the "after" me ..... they want the "before" me and she's not coming back.

And I can no longer deal with the pain of this expectation or the pain that I feel because I am somehow disappointing them and not acting the way they think I should be acting. They .... who still have their husbands and have no earthly idea what I'm going through.

Because .... in spite of what some people may think, and in spite of the waves that come and go,

I think ..... overall ..... I'm doing pretty damned well for someone who only has half a heart.

I feel mostly blessed.

I feel very loved.

I have a wonderful, supportive family.

I don't cry every day.

Not every day.

I laugh at least once a day .... most times several.

I am playing tennis when I can.

I have a job that I love, and work with people whom I love.

I'm still recovering from major surgery 5 months ago that set my grieving on the back burner.

And I went to San Diego ..... which is freakin' huge.

Yes, I miss Jim.

Sometimes more than I can stand.

Yes, I sometimes wish I could join him.

But I haven't.

And that, my friends (or not) is NORMAL!!

I am healing the best way I can .... the only way I know how to ..... since I've never done this before.

Fortunately I have more friends and family who know this than who doubt it. I am still blessed.

I love my friends. Very, very much. They have been there for me during the worst moments of my life. I can never repay them for the love they have shown me, for the hours they worked tirelessly for me, for the time they spent with me.

They have all blessed me in more ways than I can list.

But I cannot be all or who some of them need me to be.

And I have to stop trying.

So last night I felt horrible .... but today I realized that I can not control what people think and I need to let go of that.

And so I did.

And felt much relief this morning.

And went to work and had a busy, but good day.

I have now downloaded my San Diego pictures and will share them with you, Peeps.

This is my brother-in-law, J, with the new golf clubs he just got for S (I have never seen such TINY clubs!):

This is my adorable niece, S:

This is me, reliving my past days of motherhood ..... having just braided S's hair:

Our first day at the beach:

S, in the back row, at her day camp's "Lion King" program:

Our 2nd trip to the beach:

These are now from the Conference. This is T, who is in my Circle:

This is R, who is also in my Circle:

These are other women/widow bloggers:

Well, except for Matt ..... who is obviously not a woman, but who is a blogger:

The first morning after my shower I noticed this sign, which talked about how "we" care about helping the environment, by hanging up our towels:

And then I looked down (right beneath the sign) and thought, "I guess we don't." (Sorry, but I thought this was hilarious):

This was a wall of Tribute Tiles/Photos of the spouses who have died:

My favorite picture of Jim:

Spending some time at the lovely pool:

Next to some lovely yachts:

The view from our room of San Diego:

T, and R and T at the Saturday night dinner:

T and the other women at our table:

R, is who also in my Circle:

Matt, who looked quite nice Saturday night!

This was the restaurant where "Top Gun" was filmed (the restaurant scene, anyway). Kind of cool ..... we had a very good lunch there the last day:

So there you go. My trip to San Diego. I'm wondering if you noticed one thing in common with all of the pictures from the Conference? Like ...... ummmmmm .... the smiles?

Pretty strange, huh? Not what you would expect from a Widow's Conference, is it?

But there were a lot of smiles. Too many to count.

And just as many laughs.

So yes, in spite of the waves, in spite of the days of feeling paralyzed, in spite of the floods of tears I have, and continue, to cry ....... I am healing. Along with all of the people who went to this Conference.

One day at a time.

One breath at a time.

One Peep at a time.

P.S. Here is Jennifer's latest post from tonight. She, her husband and baby Stellan are heading to Boston soon, by air ambulance, for another procedure to save Stellan's heart. Please continue praying for them, Peeps. You're the best prayers I know.