Trust Issues ....

Good Friday afternon, my praying Peeps.

I'm on the road with my brother and sister, A & M, which has turned out to be a "God thing" in its timing.



As we were pulling into the parking lot of the HUGE Bucees, which I think was in Madisonville, TX (and if you don't know what a Bucees is -- pronounced Buck-ees -- is, google it, because it's quite an experience) I received the phone call from the high school counselor. It was not a good call .... though I think my mask and I handled it well. The consequence of a poor decisiion was not the consequence we thought it would be .... it is much worse. Very much.

Don't get me wrong ... I am 100% for consequences fitting the "crime" (or stupidity), I just dread seeing the "big picture" and knowing how it will be received. And I worry about a child feeling so disconnected and frustrated that he completely gives up.

And I'm angry.

Angry at stupid decisions, angry at Jim for leaving me here alone to deal with this and everything else in my life alone, angry at being a single, inept-feeling single parent, and angry that I still cannot trust my God to let me have more than 48 hours of peace before He allows something else to slam into me and knock me over into the undertow.

I'm tired of fighting the undertow and just wish He'd let me drown.

I'm angry that all I wanted was one peaceful, unburdened weekend and I couldn't even make it 2 hours down the road before that hope was dashed.

I will talk to the Son and see how much, if any, permission he will give me to make this clearer for you, especially so that you can know how to pray for him ... and for me, but for now, suffice it to say that this semester is not going to flow the way we thought it would. And that worries me.

Yes, I should turn it over to God .... but there again is that dang trust issue that I have with Him. He knows I have it and I know He's OK with it. I am not. I want to trust Him again. I know I will again, one day .... but as long as I can keep relating to Job, it just gets put off longer and longer (cuz really, between you and me .... I don't want this to end with me having a whole new set of kids!).

So I guess it's a good sign that I can see He stepped in to make sure this all was going to happen on a weekend when I would not be home alone. And He made sure I'd be with A & M, who love and support me and would drop everything to make sure I'm OK.

And He made sure it's a weekend that I will be able to spend quality time with Son #1 and Daughters #2 & #3.

Yes, I can see that so that's something.



Please keep praying.
I told my Mom that I won't be calling home this weekend (she affirmed that hugely) and asked her to not call me unless copious amount of blood are being shed. She also affirmed that.

I don't know how I woul've made it through the past year without her and D. She also is always willing to drop everthing at a moment's notice to help me ... no matter what.

And yes, I can see that God worked all of that out so that they could move down here and be here for me.



I saw my therapist on Wednesday -- and ironically felt pretty good until I left her office, checked my phone and saw all of the texts and missed phone calls from the couselor and that's when everything came crashing down. I guess it was a good thing I had my appointment that day, to be affirmed and to get new ideas ... before all of that happened or perhaps my reaction would've been much, much worse (not sure how much worse it could've been, but know it could've).

Anyway, she pointed out something interesting .... which I kind of already knew but it sure is wonderful to be affirmed by a professional. She said that I am only just now starting to really do the hard grieving for Jim. The first year was full of shock, and just trying to survive and take care of the kids, deal with Son #2 and his school, being a single mom, learning how to deal with the house and my new "life" .... there was no time for grief, especially once the tumor entered the picture.

So that explains the crashing and re-crashing and the deeper depression. She said the 2nd year is actually the first year. And what makes it harder is that most people do not realize this. It's commonly thought that by the end of the first year one's grief should be easing up, not getting worse.
Who woulda thunk?

OK, now that I have just received 2 more counselor calls I'm going to sign off, but not before thanking you for your prayers again and asking for more: for a peaceful weekend for my Mom; for a peaceful and well-behaved weekend for the boys; for safe travel for the girls as they drive to Dallas tonight; for relaxing weekend weekend for A & M -- he's performing a wedding tomorrow night; for a relaxing, peaceful visit for the 3 kids and me; for safe travel when we all go home (the girls tomorrow night, A, M and me Sunday); and most importantly, that I can let go of all of this crapola for the weekend and enjoy this rare time with these children.

I am now here hanging with Son #1 .... have I said lately how much I love my children? Well, I do .... even the death-ray-glaring ones .... whom I hope will be sending fewer of those my way.

Thanks, Peeps