Thanksgiving 2006
Yep, I played tennis today.
I was apprehensive about playing .... to say the least.
But my brother gave me some great advice: "It's a beautiful day, you've got a tennis racquet, you've got good friends. Have no expectations from you past playing and just enjoy being out there."
And so I did.
And I didn't play too badly, all things considered.
It was a good morning.
And a good, but hard day at work.
I don't like this time of the year. The memories are too strong. The memories of what we were doing this time 2 years ago. I was preparing to go to Kenya. I was nervous and excited. Jim was concerned and yet supportive. I had no idea what a life-changing trip it would be for me. Nor had I any idea how short-lived the wonderfulness of that trip would be for me.
No. Idea.
So yes .... I'm not a big fan of the biggest "family time" of the year as Thanksgiving and Christmas approach.
I'd like to think that maybe one day this season won't bother me, but I don't think that's true. If there's one thing I've learned about grief it's this .... there will always be pain and there will always be waves. Always.
Of course the pain won't be as sharp, nor the waves as big .... but they will never just fade away completely.
This is my life.
I may slowly adjust to it, but I don't have to like it.
And I don't.
That doesn't mean that there are not many days when I feel happy. I do feel happiness more now. I don't think I've felt joy yet, but that's OK.
I know it will come.
Well, I hope it will come.
And that's pretty big all by itself .... the fact that I have hope.
So while this time of year brings me a massively horrible countdown, I hope that as each year comes the horribleness will grow less and less. It will never go away, but it may become easier to bear.
I hope so anyway.
11 comments:
Your words touch my heart. Day by day, step by step in Him. Love, jybs
Your brother always has good advice. I am waiting to hear some from him tonight regarding Katrina and her wanting another iTouch that was stolen from her at school. ;)
He always has the right answers! Love him!
Glad you took his advice too!!
XOXO
I feel lots of grief this time of year as well. I have moved on in my life from my grief-producing time, but it is never the same. I always want to "skip" the holidays. I just try to remain patient with those who love them and SURVIVE. January is a welcomed event for me. Thinking of you during this tough time of year. Dreamed of you last night and you were beautiful, inspirational and centered in my dream. Lots of love....
You are an inspiration to all that you connect with everyday. God bless you! I have been reading your 'One day at a time blog and get so wrapped up in all that you say.
You are an Angel....
The last time I remember talking with Jim at some length was our church picnic 2 years ago. Sadly, the church picnic has not been the same for me since that day. I can't even begin to imagine how the upcoming holidays are for you and the kids. I plan to get the book "Solace" soon.
Love you.
AMW:
You've joked about your children and some of their food preferences. At what ages did you try to teach them some of the basics of cooking?
Those of us who love you and Jim will always feel saddened and especially this time of year knowing how hard it is for you. The loss of Jim is still very raw for the many many people whose lives he touched. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and him. Just wanted you to know.
Much love, Vicki
p.s. It was a short visit, but we LOVED having Conner here. We won't talk about the game! :)
I agree with Vicki...And I too think of you and Jim everyday. Love you soooo much Janine! Glad you got out on the courts and had a good time.
As I live in year three of my mourning,I find that the aprehension of the approaching date(s) is the worst-and that the actual day/time itself is more anti-climatic. Sad, always, but more manageable now.
I am dating (!!!). I am happy.
My kids are great and my job rocks. But I will never be the same, and I will always have that little bit of sadness that lives in my herat with regard to Daz and our life together that was much too short.
Wishing you peace in your heart, J, as you journey through this time of year. You rock.
I can relate Janine. My first wife had an accident on my birthday and died a week later. It took a while to enjoy my birthdays again.
AMW Question: Did your kids experiment with using curse words during their teens? If so, did you punish them and how? Mine is too big to wash his mouth out with soap. He knows better and feels bad when it slips out.
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