Odds ....

I wrote this post last night for "Widow's Voice"

and am posting it here, too.

                                                          picture from here

.... and Ends.

Or rather ..... some ends make you feel very odd.

Or .... some odd things seem to never end.

Before I explain myself I want to thank Michele for always being ready to stand in for blog duty .... even when it comes only 24 hours before publish time because a certain writer lost track of time, and of duties, while she planned and then left on a vacation to Mexico with her 6 kids.

I'm not naming names here.

Other than Michele's.  Because she rocks.

I also happened to take my children (who number 6) to Cabo last week.  Which just happens to be in Mexico.  Not that I'm admitting to anything here .... it could be just an odd coincidence.

We had a great time and I loved being with all 6 of them for 7 days.  And I miss 5 of them very, very much.  I'd miss all six of them but the youngest happens to reside in my home, so I don't miss him so much.  HOWEVER, let it be known that if he did not live here .... he would indeed be missed. (you have to really be careful to cover all of your bases when you have 6 kids .... a job that's getting harder and harder to do.)

Anyway, the day we came home I was back in my bedroom with a couple of my kids and we were all talking about various aspects of the trip as I unzipped my suitcase and removed some souvenir items.  And then the oddest thing happened.

Not odd in that it happened, because it used to happen all of the time 4 years ago.

All.

Of.

The.

Time.

But odd in that it happened now.  Four and a half years later.

Very odd.

As I was holding some of the souvenirs in my hand and listening to the kids chat about the trip, I thought,

"I need to tell Jim all about our trip!"

That thought flew into my head .... and then flew out as fast as it came.

But it left me leaning over my suitcase, fighting as hard as I could to not react as strongly as I felt .... which was stone cold and almost breathless.  And then I think my next thought was, "What the hell?!"

I had no idea where that thought had come from .... or why it had come, when it hasn't come in a very long time.

So long, in fact, that I can't remember when it last happened.

Or I couldn't before Saturday.

Odd.

Very odd.

A very odd thing brought about by the end of someone.

At first, as I wrote above, it happened all of the time.  At least a few times a week.

If I turned the TV on and saw that Oklahoma State was playing a basketball game, I'd find myself starting to call out Jim's name to tell him that the Cowboys were on TV.  But I stopped myself.  And cried.

The first time I went out of town with a couple of friends (my first trip to Cabo) I arrived at the Cabo airport and thought, "I need to call Jim and tell him I made it ok."  Then I remembered that he wasn't at home and so he was not worried about my trip .... and if I made it .... or not.

And I cried.

One of the last times it happened, was well over a year ago .... maybe even two.  I ran into a good friend who had been good of ours before we moved to Texas.  We knew them from Tulsa.  They were transferred down here several years after we were.  When I ran into her that day she told me they were being transferred to Chicago, where we had also once lived.  After we chatted for a while and then said goodbye I thought, "I need to tell Jim about that".  And then I realized that not only was Jim not here to listen to my story, but no one else in the world would understand that we had known them "before" Texas.

None of my friends here knew them.  So I had no one to tell about running into her .... and that they were moving again.

No one.

And that felt very, very lonely.

And odd.

And it made me cry.

But this time .... this time I didn't cry.

It was odd.

It was VERY odd.

And the knowledge that follows right after that thought flies through your head is ...... well, it felt "unsettling".  And it made me feel a little shaky.

But I did the best job I could to brush that thought, and it's after effects from my mind like they were sticky cobwebs.  It took a little bit of effort, but I did it and managed to keep up with the kids' conversation and continue my unpacking.

But the unsettled feeling?  It never left.

I still feel it.

And I still wonder, "What the hell?!"

Where did that come from and why now?

Odds and ends.

We always have odds and ends around ..... in some form or another.

Ends leave you feeling odd.

And the odds are ..... we'll all experience an end.

Of someone.

Odds and ends.

Ends and odds.

In the end .... it's all odd.

And very .... unsettling.

Four and a half years out.

What are the odds?