Part 3 ... of What You Need To Know ......

...... in case your spouse dies.

What a "fun" topic.
Not.

I congratulate you for hanging in here for all of this.  I know that it's a topic no one wants to talk about.
Hell, who wants to think that one of you might die?
But guess what?
One of you will die.
Before the other.
Unless, of course, you happen to be blessed to be married for 40 to 50 years and then crawl into bed with each other and both die during the night.  At the same time.
Nicholas Sparks, I hate you.

ANYway ......
I was able to write the first two posts on this topic very calmly, cooly and unemotionally.
I wish I could say that for this post, but the tears have already started.
And you thought YOU hated this topic.

But I'm pressing on because it's important.  You need to know this.  You need to be somewhat prepared for what you'll go through.
As horrific as it might be.
Maybe, just maybe, it might be a little less horrific ...... if you're prepared.
I.
Was.
Not.

So ...... the funeral home.
And everything that happens "after".

Unfortunately, here in America we're barbarians when it comes to death.
Jim died in the early morning hours of December 18, 2007.  Somewhere around 1:00 or 2:00 a.m., I believe.
No, I have not read the death certificate.
Even after 5+ years.

So I can't recall the exact time, but it was after midnight.
I also can't recall what time I arrived at my home.  I remember crawling into bed with Son #2, and telling him what happened.
And I remember crawling into bed with Son #3, and telling him.
But I can't remember what time that happened.

But this much I do know:  less than 12 hours after Jim died ...... I was expected at the funeral home.
Really.
I don't really remember going to bed, or getting up, but I remember being told that we had an appointment there at 1:00 p.m.
On December the 18th.
That is engraved into my brain.
Because I was stunned.
To say the least.

So, in less than 12 hours after the death of your spouse, you may be expected to make those horrible decisions that you never, ever imagined having to make.  Not at your age.
Not at his age.

Do yourself a favor ...... do him a favor ...... discuss this now.  This very day/night.  Or at least broach the topic, so that you get the general idea of what he/she might want.
Because even though it will still be horrific, at least you'll know what some of those decisions will be.

The first thing you need to know is that dying is very expensive.
Hugely expensive.
But you can make some decisions that will cost less.
Not a lot, but some.

If you, or your spouse, choose to be buried ...... and have a funeral, then you need to know that you will most likely be nickel  and dimed to death.
So to speak.

Our funeral director met us ( my four oldest children and my "brother"/pastor) at a table with several notebooks in front of her.  One in particular was very large.  I'm sure it held over 100 pages.
Of over hundreds of choices.
She opened the notebook and said something about the first thing to decide was what kind of casket to choose.
I automatically said, "I want him cremated."
She then closed that huge notebook and said, "Well that simplifies things.  Cremation is $8,000.00."

Now, at this point I have to tell you that I hate discussing the cost of things.  Abhor it.  I never talk about money, ever.  I was raised to believe that it's rude to ask how much something costs.  And so was Jim.  So that's how we raised our children.
I don't discuss money.
Period.

But.
I feel that I want to be very open and up-front with you about all of this.
About every single thing I can remember.
And cost is a huge part of death.
Huge.

So cremation is/was $8,000.00.
I couldn't have purchased a casket for less than $8,000.00.
Back in 2007.
I didn't know that at the time.  And the price of all of this didn't factor at all into my decision.   Or my decisionS.
I just had always felt strongly about being cremated.  For some reason that I don't know.  Ever since I was a child.
I think that Jim knew how I felt.  But I don't remember ever asking him what he would choose.  If he had to choose.
But I do remember this:  One day during the year or so before he died, we were driving back from the lake and a thought came to me.  I told him that I thought it would be kind of "neat" if, one day ...... in the very-far-off-future ...... like, not for 50 years or so ...... when I died, my ashes would be spread over our property at the lake.
He thought that was a "neat" idea, too.
And that, my friends, is the total conversation we had about death.
And "after".

And I remembered it.
I also remembered a "memorial service" we had gone to several years before.  A man who was a member of our church had been killed while piloting a plane on a mission trip.
It was the first time I went to a funeral where there was no casket.  Only a large picture of him up at the front of the room.  And we sang uplifting "praise" songs and heard positive, funny and very touching stories about the man he was ...... and what he believed.
I left the church that day knowing that I wanted that exact kind of service.
I wanted a "memorial", where people would talk about positive things, be happy for having known me (hopefully) and be happy that I was exactly where I wanted to be.
No casket, no body for my children to have to see, no "funeral dirges".
I also have a faint memory of Jim and I discussing that on the way home, and both agreeing that it was the most uplifting non-funeral we'd ever been to.
So I guess that counts for our "after" discussion.

That experience made me know exactly what I wanted for Jim's "non-funeral".  I wanted a memorial service.  And that's exactly what we had.

Not only is cremation less expensive than burial, by thousands of dollars, but so is a service without a casket/body.
Of course.
You need to know that every time the casket is touched/moved, there's a charge.  Into the hears:  a charge.  Out of the hearse: a charge.  Into the church:  a charge.  Out of the church:  a charge.
Of course I don't have any experience outside of this one funeral home, but I know many, many widowed people.
And it seems to me that the "average" cost of a funeral, with a casket, is close to $20,000.00.
I know.
T.A.N.W.

I'm sure that there are ways to make it less expensive.  But there are also ways to make it much, much more expensive.  And it happens before you know it.

And then there's the cemetery, and the cost of the plot.
Plus the cost of the headstone.
And the cost of creating the grave and actually burying the casket.
Some also have an annual charge of "upkeep" of the grave site, although you may be able to opt out of that and just take care of it yourself.

There's also the decision of what you want your loved one to wear.  And getting those clothes to the funeral home.

Then there are the pictures.  You'll want pictures around ...... a lot of pictures.  Pictures of him/her as a child, wedding pictures, family pictures, vacation pictures, etc.  I had a wonderful friend who worked with Son #1 on putting the pictures together.  She put several on poster boards, drawing beautiful frames around them and adding captions.  They also took several framed pictures from our home, and printed and framed others.
The funeral homes add a power point to the service ...... and it's usually a site that you'll be able to go to forever.  I think Jim's site is still there, though I haven't seen it in 5 years.  People are able to add comments on those sites, which are nice to read ...... when you're able.
Son #1 put the powerpoint together ...... and did a great job.

We wrote the obituary during that 1:00 appointment at the funeral home.  Daughter #1 actually wrote it, and re-wrote it several times during that appointment.  We all added and edited and made sure it was exactly what we wanted.
An obituary in the newspaper of a large city can run over $1,000.00.  Many people don't do them anymore.  But this was important to me.  Jim worked with hundreds of people in Houston over the years.  I wanted his obituary in the paper.  And I wanted it to say everything we wanted it to say.

You won't necessarily plan the funeral/memorial at the funeral home.  We didn't.  We planned it at our home.  The kids and I.  We chose each song and each verse ...... and each person we wanted to speak.
I chose the picture I wanted to have blown up and used at the front of the room.

My friends set everything up for the service.
And, even though we didn't have a casket, there was a "viewing".  People came the night before the service ...... to see the kids and me ...... and to express their sympathy and thoughts.  I can't remember how long it was ...... I would guess about 2 hours.  But I do remember being told that people were lined up outside and around the building.  And I remember standing for a very long time, until someone kindly brought us some stools so that we could sit.  But I really didn't sit.  It's hard to shake peoples' hands/hug them and listen to those kinds of words/thoughts while sitting.  It's easier to stand.

The funeral directer and her staff directed the "viewing" (several people were confused by the absence of a casket.  They looked for one, and I heard several questions asked about it.) and the memorial service.
Everything that they did fell under the $8,000.00 fee.  It was a relief, I guess, to pay one lump sum and know that everything was taken care of.
I'm sure that a service with a casket would be like that, too, once you agree upon everything.

As a side note, you can "rent" a casket so that you have it for the service, if you want to do that and then do cremation afterwards.  I have a friend who's Catholic and she did that.  I think that they require the body to be present for the funeral (don't quote me on that, and if it's true I have no idea why) so she rented one and then had his body cremated.
Interesting to know.

You will order the death certificates at the funeral home, when you plan everything.  And as I said before, you will need at least 15.  I think that's how many I ordered ...... or maybe 20.  I ended up with twice that many because whoever typed it up got our address wrong.  By one number, I think.  And so they had to re-do them.  Not at my expense.
I don't think that it was a big deal to have the address wrong ...... my attorney said that we could still use them with no problem.  But they still had to provide the correct version, in the number that I had ordered.

You'll need to give them to your bank(s), mortgage company, any place where he/you both had an account (electric, water, gas, etc.), court, lien holders, court clerk (when changing titles, auto registration, etc), insurance companies, doctors, employers, social security, etc.

On that note, if you call the credit card company to report his/her death, they'll immediately close the account.  You won't be able to use that line of credit until they open one up in your name.  So you might not want to do that ...... for a while.  Give yourself time to get through the first couple of months or so, so that you can sit down and look at your accounts and see how closing one would affect you.

I have not changed any info on our monthly bills.  Water, refuse, electric, gas, telephone ...... things like that.  Jim's name is still on all of them.  There are a couple of reasons for that (and most of my widowed friends have made the same choice):  first, I just got tired of making phone calls and faxing/mailing death certificates.  Plus, some of those companies close the account and then make you pay a deposit to open a new account in your name.  But mostly, keeping his name on those bills was the easiest thing to do ...... and I needed easy.  I don't plan on changing any of them until I sell the house and move.
Also, I didn't want to be listed in the phone book.  So if you look at our local phone book, he's still "alive".
But not really.  :)

If you decide to go with cremation, you'll receive the ashes a week or so after the service.  Maybe later.
You don't have to decide what to do with them ...... for as long as you don't want to decide.  Many people keep them forever.  Some decide to have their own ashes mixed with their loved one's ..... and then spread somewhere.  Or placed somewhere.
You can have them placed in a cemetery if you'd like.
Or you can take them to a completely different place and spread them.  We took Jim's ashes to Oklahoma (I know I should provide the link to that post here, but I'm too tired to look for it.  If one of you finds it, it would be very nice if you'd put the link into a comment.  Just so you know, those of you who haven't read it, it's fairly hilarious.  As it should've been.  But that's just me.  And my children.   :)
We had no problem flying and carrying them with us (in a carryon, not in a checked bag.  Yikes!)

You'll be able to choose what type of container in which you'd like to store the ashes.  Jim and I collected boxes ...... from all over.  So I chose a beautiful wooden box with an enamel top.  If I were home in Texas at the moment, I'd include a picture of the box.  But I'm not.  If you remind me, I'll post one next week.
I was surprised at the amount of ashes.  Not because there were a lot.  But because there was far less than I imagined.  And they're not really like the ashes you're used to seeing ...... like in a fireplace or campsite.  It's more coarse than that, and there are small pieces of ...... forgive me if this throws you for a loop or makes you uncomfortable ...... but it is what it is ...... bone.  Not huge.  And not really identifiable as bone, but you know that's what it has to be.
Again, there are less than you think there should be for an adult human.  Especially a 6 feet tall human being.
It's ..... interesting.

Half of Jim's ashes were spread on the farm in Oklahoma, half were spread at the lake.  We didn't do any of that until the spring of 2008.

Supposedly there are some places where you "can't" spread ashes.  Like in certain lakes or oceans or whatever (or so I've heard).  If I knew that I wanted Jim's ashes placed somewhere like that (or if I knew he had wanted that) I would've done it no matter what.  It's not something that has to be obvious at all.  You don't need to have a large group of people present (though you certainly may if that's what you want) or any kind of formal ceremony (ditto on that).
You can just go out by yourself to that special place, or with your children or whomever, and just place small amounts here or there ...... wherever that might be.
Not that I'm telling you to break any laws.  Nope.  Not at all.
I'm just saying that wouldn't stop me.
But then that probably comes as a surprise to no one.
:)

Back to "business".
When your spouse dies, there are a few important phone calls that need to be made.  Hopefully you'll have as many awesome friends as I did, who will make those calls for you.
First, family.  His family, your family.  Close friends.
I had marked all of our family and close friends in my personal address book ...... before Jim went into surgery so that my friends could make phone calls before that.  They later made calls to those people again, to tell them that he had died.
I had amazing friends.

Then you (or someone) will need to call:  your attorney, your health insurance company, life insurance companies, his/her employer, Social Security (where they'll make an appointment for you to either come in, or do a phone interview.  Not everyone knows that you can do that over the phone, which is MUCH easier than actually going to the Social Security office, where there are usually hordes of people), your children's schools (if you have children in school/college),  your place of worship, or choice for holding the service, booking the date and time of the service, and the date and time of the "viewing" the night before, if you so desire.
Agree on who you want to perform the service, whom you want to be in charge of music.
There are usually programs, or small booklets, that are passed out amongst he people who've attended the service.  It gives a brief bio of the person, and than has the order of the service for attendees to  easily follow.

I think I've mentioned everything.  Or at least, everything I remember.  It is now after 2:00 in the in the morning here in NY.  I think it was around 8 or 9 when I started.

This is pretty much the end of this post.
I'm going to plan one more, hopefully next Wednesday, to kind of wrap everything up and put it in a easy to print/follow paper/short novel.  :)

Seriously though, I hope that I've been able to give you some information you never had before.  Something that has made you feel a little more prepared that than you felt yesterday.

If you still have questions, and  I have no doubt that many of you do, you have one more week to post your questions.  I'll keep the comments open until next Tuesday afternoon.  So please try to get all questions in by then.
I want to be able to read every single comment and answer every single one.

And I have widowed readers who will be happy to jump in with a comment that answers somebody's question.

You can also ask questions that you didn't get answered.  Maybe I missed it, or maybe you forgot to ask it, but whatever the reason, if you have one to ask, that means I have one to answer.  To the best of my ability.
And I will give it my best.

If you think of things we missed, please leave a comment.
If you think we missed several points I'll fix those.
I promise.

But for now, I'm ready to drop.
For the next 12 hours.

So G'Night, Peeps.
Happy Wednesday.
:)






P.S.  Here are a few comments from other widows.  Enjoy ...... and learn.
Thanks, Cathy and Linda J!!  I truly appreciate your help at this time and you shared mission of mine:  to make this so much easier for future widows than it was for us.
 I appreciate the time you've put in here to share with others    


Cathy commented:
Not only have a funeral home in mind, but think about burial vs cremation, plot vs spreading ashes. Tough to think about, but we all need to someday. I look at it as doing a favor for loved ones, it will be one less task they will have to deal with when their mind is crazy with grief.



Linda J. wrote:
I am a widow and since becoming one (4 years ago) I have talked endlessly to my children and friends about talking with your loved ones about what you want.... cremation or burial.... open casket/closed... large funeral/graveside only. I tell them to talk to your loved ones BEFORE someone is sick, when it is easier to discuss. Mostly no one listens to me so maybe they will listen to you Janine.