The End of May ......

...... has always brought my family many new beginnings over the years.

Our twin daughters were born on Memorial Day weekend.
Our oldest son was born on Memorial Day weekend.
All of our children graduated from high school on Memorial Day weekend.
In fact, our youngest son graduated this past Saturday.

But the biggest beginning for our family ...... began 30 years ago ...... on Memorial Day weekend.
Thirty years ago ...... today. (This Wednesday post is actually being written on Tuesday.)

Jim and I were married thirty years ago.
Today.

And so what was once viewed by me as a month full of beginnings ...... is now a reminder of the biggest ending I've ever experienced.

Today should have been my 30th anniversary.
But it was not.

Jim should've been here for Son #3's graduation.
But he was not.
Exactly like he wasn't here for Son #1's or Son #2's, not to mention the various college graduations that we've celebrated without him.

Thirty years ago today I cried.
I was nervous.  I was scared.  I was nauseous.
But mostly ...... I was so in love with him, that those feelings were short-lived.
And the tears I shed were tears of love, joy and relief.

I know that I wasn't the only one who cried that day.
Jim also cried as we spoke our vows to love each other until the only thing that parted us was death.

We fulfilled those vows.

And thirty years later, I still cry ...... although the tears I shed today were very different from the ones I cried that day.
The day of our new beginning.

I didn't expect to cry today.
But then, after five and a half years of living without him, I rarely expect the tears that come.
Which, as usual, seems to make them worse.

I shed more tears this weekend than I have in a long time.
I never stop missing him, but sometimes the missing feels larger than usual.
It felt very large as I watched our "baby" walk across that stage Saturday night.
It felt enormous this morning, as it occurred to me two hours after I awoke, what this day used to be. And it grew as I realized that on this day ...... 30 years later ...... I was the only one crying.

As time goes by, I do cry less.
I am happy much more often than I am sad.
 And I'm starting to recognize the days that symbolize the new beginnings in our lives.

But I think that I will most likely always feel, that the 28th day of May ...... feels more like an end.

Please visit these wonderful blogs today.  It's our monthly Widowed Blog Hop!

Samantha of the Crazy Courage blog
Red’s The M3 Blog
Christine of Widow Island
Tim’s Diary of a Widower
Running Forward: Abel Keogh’s Blog
Tamara of Artful Living After Loss
Jessica at Buttons to Beans
Missing Bobby: A Widow’s Journey
The Grief Toolbox
The Widow’s Mite: Encouragement for Widows
Widowed Yogi
Choosing Grace Today