Yep.
I.
Am.
Out.
Of.
Here.
And going to NY. I'm counting the hours.
Daughter #3 is on her way to Houston as I write this. She and I will both fly in to NY tomorrow, though on different airlines and to different airports.
I can hardly wait.
I just wish that all 6 could be there, but then, Christmas will be here before we know it, right?
Of course right.
And just in case you don't think so ...... take a gander at these:
Yep, it's Christmas in August. I took these pictures two weeks ago in one of our local Hallmark stores. I was a bit stunned, but not too stunned to not take pictures.
Ho, Ho, Ho.
And now I digress.
While I'm writing this post, I'm also watching a movie that stars John Travolta and Robert De Niro. I really don't have to say anything else because ...... the two of them in a movie? Can you say "INTENSE"?
Oh.
My.
Word.
It's called "The Killing Season" and they keep taking turns having the upper hand and trying to kill each other.
So, where was I?
ADD much?
On another note, Daughter #3 and a friend just arrived so I had to take a break from both the movie and posting for about an hour.
And, though you can't really appreciate the time difference, I am back.
So, where was I?
I think I was telling you that I'm leaving for NY tomorrow.
And that I can't wait.
I don't know what it is about coming back to Houston (OK, maybe I do know what it is) but, every single time I come back here, I have to fight off depression. It starts to envelope me almost as soon as I come into my house. A house that I love. A home that I love. Mostly.
I love this home for the memories it holds.
I love this home because of how I've changed it.
But this home makes me sad because of the memories it holds.
It brings me stress because of the upkeep it entails.
I love this community because of the memories it holds.
I love this community because it's where we brought up our children.
I love this community because of all Jim and I gave to it.
I love this community for all of the support it gave me.
This community brings me sadness because of the memories it holds.
This community brings me sadness because of the roles Jim had in it.
This community brings me sadness because of the support I once had.
This community brings me sadness because it no longer feels like home.
If someone would have told me 5, 4 or 3 years ago that I would be straining at the bit to leave this place, I would have told them that they were crazy.
I could not have imagined being anywhere else, 5 1/2 years ago.
I could not imagined being without my friends, my source of support ..... 5 1/2 years ago.
I could not imagine EVER wanting to leave this place ...... 5 1/2 years ago.
Time has a way of changing things.
Time has a way of changing people.
For better, or for worse ...... we change.
I have changed.
For better or for worse.
Some think for worse.
But I think for better.
In the long run.
If Jim were still alive, we would've already moved from this community.
We knew that we only had a couple of more years here.
And then decisions would be made.
If Jim were still alive, I wouldn't have changed so much.
So.
Very.
Much.
But he died.
And I changed.
And I no longer feel at home where I once did.
But that's ok.
People move on.
People move forward.
I know that I'm ready to move forward.
But I don't know if that means leaving here permanently, or just for weeks at a time.
I have mixed emotions, depending on the day.
Some days I can't wait to sell this house, and leave here forever.
Some days ...... I want to come back and re-connect.
I know that God is calling me elsewhere, most days.
I know that God is using me, in ways I never imagined.
As long as He's calling the plays ...... I'm good with wherever He leads.
I think that things change, people change ...... and life moves forward ...... for a reason.
When things change, and people change ...... it's easier to move forward.
God has a plan.
He's always had a plan.
I haven't always agreed with His plan ...... and I still wish things were different ..... but they aren't.
And so I start moving forward.
Where once I saw only darkness, I can now imagine a future.
What it holds ...... I have no idea.
But I know it's there.
And I'm good with wherever it takes me.
If that's NY ..... hooray.
If that's still here, in Texas, ok.
We shall see.
But for now ...... I'll see you from the East coast.
For now.
:)
3 comments:
Can certainly relate to so much of this. Never thought I would leave this house when Dave first died. Wanted to be surrounded by the memories and the things that were him.
Over the years the thought of leaving is still not grounded - but more appealing. Particularly as E leaves for school this week and it will be down to just D in the house with me. I am wondering more and more what it will be like when it is just me.
Sometimes I want to run from all the memories and everyone who knows him and knows me as "Dave's wife(widow)".
Selfishly I am happy that right now God is leading you to the East Coast. Even if it's not full time!!! Safe travels to you and D #3 - looking forward to seeing you oh so soon. And does that mean that all of you will be on the East coast for Christmas? Or just that that will be the next time you are all together? Love you.
Love this, every word! <3
When my dad passed I was 13. We lived in NY. My mom moved us (me & my younger sister) for a year. She took care of my grandma and then all 4 of us moved back to NJ.
I didn't get it then at 13 but I do now...now that I'm an adult, a mother myself. She needed that year apart from all the memories that hurt her. Thanks for sharing your journey and wishing you nothing but the best in NY.
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