Free falling

I realized yesterday, as those two words kept going through my head, that that's how I feel: as if I'm falling and falling and falling. I feel as though I can't wait to hit the bottom really, really hard so that the falling will be over. But last night, I had another realization. There are a lot of hurtful bumps on the way down. I saw a couple holding hands. We held hands -- a lot. So much so that it really bugged the kids (don't even get me started about a pat on the butt!). I thought I was pretty much in control yesterday until that sight. The thought of his hand never being in mine again was more than I could stand. Then I couldn't even watch "Shrek 3" without hurting. Or the Christmas ice skating show on board. I had been trying to hold it all in for the kids yesterday. And to my support team: I went through most of the day on my own (and I know you know what that means). I realized last night that my doctor really does know best.
The kids went to a magic show last night (I was too exhausted to go, so Daughter #3 stayed behind to babysit me, no matter how much she denies it). Then I met them for dinner (we have the 8:30 seating -- too bad I'm not a New Yorker). Then we went back to the "girls" room and watched "A Christmas Story". That was nice and we all love that movie.
Today I was more worried about Son #3. He says that he's having "fun" but his eyes look just like mine: dead. But then something good happened. An hour or so ago he ran into a girl that he's gone to school with since kindergarten. So another KW family is here. She was glad to see him, as she's a bit shy and doesn't like hanging around kids she doesn't know. And he was glad to see her. So they're going off to ice skate later. His smile looked real.
I wish I knew how to help all 6 of them.  We are all grieving and we are all grieving in our own unique and individual ways.  They don't know how I feel.  I don't know how they feel.  We can only imagine.
I just found some text messages that many of you have sent. That was good. And I've read all of the comments (if this dang internet wasn't so slow I'd reply to each of you). But I do have to say--- W.H. --- you made me smile with the "glow worm" song. Thank you.
Son #2 is still hanging with the teens until 1:00 a.m. (thank God for the ship's curfew).
I wish I could say that I'm lying by the pool enjoying the frozen beverages non-stop. I have managed to drink one. Funny how your heart can even not be into doing that. The girls and I did spend the morning in the sun --- it's much warmer now.
I'm trying to read but can only seem to focus on one or two sentences before my mind wanders. It's a good thing I'm not trying to read "Gone With The Wind".
Oh, and I meant to post this earlier:
The teacher came to the memorial and she came through the line to meet me. She was lovely (and young) and heart broken for us. So I felt guilty about previous posts. Her heart is in the right place and she's trying. (I still may let the machine pick up the phone when caller i.d. shows a school, though.)
Thank you again for ALL of the comments, texts and prayers.
We're taking it one second at a time.
And I do wish all of you a good Christmas with your families.