Here I am

I'm not sure where that is, but here I am.
Walking through the front door yesterday was more painful than I'd expected. Just when I feel that's it's physically and emotionally impossible to feel any more pain -- I do. Every room that I walk into hurts me. I see something that came from "before". My life is being defined as "before" and "after". I'd like the "after" to stop.
I've been lying awake since around 4:30. I finally gave up around 5:00 and got up. That's about the time that it hit me that two weeks ago today I was up and getting ready to take Jim to the e.r. I don't remember much about that whole week, but I remember that day. Vividly. The one day I'd like to completely erase from my memory and I think I can remember every second after 4:00 a.m. Doesn't seem quite right, does it?
Here's what else doesn't seem quite "right" and makes me almost furious: Kenya.
What was that? What was the point? Why did I have such a life-changing experience one month and then have "this" happen the next? Here's what I want to shout: "Where does that fit in, God?! Did it matter as much as I thought it did? Is it something that I'm supposed to still be involved in? Did you kill Jim just so that I could devote myself more to that?!!!!!"
Sorry, if that was too honest for some to read, but as I sit here with tears streaming down my face I feel somewhat better for having typed it (because it IS what I'm thinking).
So, back to Kenya. Not sure what that was all about but I feel like an idiot about it. I feel like it was so huge to me and now someone has just said, "Psych! Wasn't that big and now it has nothing to do with your life." So, here I am. Again.
While you're praying, because I know you are, here's something else I'll add to the list: We were going to send Son #2 to a military school in a couple of weeks. In fact, the morning I came home from the hospital I received an e-mail from the school saying that he had been accepted. Plans change. I was told when I called them that they would defer his enrollment until the fall. So here's my request -- that Son #2 completely changes as a student this next semester; that he starts to care about his grades and at least passes his classes. Because if I have to send him off to that school in August (and I will have to if he won't pass 9th grade) it will rip my heart out. It was already difficult enough to think about when I had Jim. Now, it's killing me. And it comes with the realization that Daughter #1 will be going off to grad school and Son #1 will be going off to college. So it will be just me and Son #3 in this house if he goes, too. So please pray for him. I try to pray but I still feel like I'm asking and He's going to say "No."
Just like He did two weeks ago.