Several weeks ago someone asked me if I had known "before" how much I am loved. I replied that I thought the past month had shown how much Jim was loved. She said, "No, it shows how much each of you are loved".
I never really thought of myself as a loveable person. I would have said that I was liked by people, but not necessarily loved. I wonder if we all think that? I think Jim did. He would have been floored at the sight of his memorial service, and of the words that were spoken. He never knew how many people he touched--how many lives he affected. I always told him that he was a Godly man, whom people respected and looked up to. I'm not sure he ever fully agreed with me.
I know that Jim loved me more than anyone has or ever will again. I always knew that with every fiber of my being. I didn't understand it, but I knew it. I know that my children and my family love me -- but they have to. If I had been pressed to answer that question in the "before", I would have come up with only a handful of people who I thought truly loved me.
Now I know differently. I still don't understand it, but I know it. Every day since December 17th someone has told me that they love me. Sometimes it's a friend, every day it's one of my children, sometimes it's written in a card. But it's been said every day.
Which is nice because Jim and I told each other that we loved each other every single day. Several times a day. Every time one of us left the house; every phone call; every night before we went to sleep -- even if one (or both) of us was angry with the other.
Every. Single. Day.
Since October, 1981.
Not long enough.
29 comments:
I am so glad that you feel the love that I know surrounds you.
You are a very "lovable" person; and funny and smart and wise and beautiful and kindhearted and... well you get the picture.
I treasure our friendship, I respect and admire you more than you'll ever know, I feel blessed to have you in my life, and I love you very much.
I know how often Jim told you he loved you, thinking about that breaks my heart over and over again. And I have been thinking about it so much over these past weeks.
Thank you for this post, because once again you have helped heal my sadness, if only for today- to know that you are feeling loved. I know there is nothing in this world that will ever replace Jim's love. but if we can just take a tiny bit of saddness away once in a while, and share with you how much we love you. That's something.
I Love you. K.
Awwwww man! You are SOOOOOO loved!
I wish I'd said it a lot more throughout our lives.
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!
Lis
How interesting that you chose to write about feeling loved because last night I wrote a comment on the blog about how easy it is to see your friends' love for you through the comments they leave for you on the blog. I wrote about what an amazing person you are to have such amazing people surrounding you (and I questioned how I got in that circle, but I'm thankful I did). I wrote about how much you mean to me and how much you have guided and taught others even through this tragedy and then I did something that erased all of my comments. I couldn't believe it. I had labored over my words and painstakingly wrote my thoughts and then - poof - they were gone. But anyway, I wanted to tell you last night, and I'll tell you today, I love you and so do a whole lot of other people. You are a blessing in our lives - believe it!L
Aunt Janine,
I LOVE YOU !
Aunt Janine,
I LOVE YOU.
I love you Janine!
XOXO
I can honestly say I remember the day that I KNEW I loved you as a sister...summer 1987...Naperville, Illinois. Standing in your driveway leaning against my 1981 Toyota Celica. I handed you a card that told you that I wanted to be a close brother and sister, as close as any brothers and sisters can be. We talked for a while and from that point on I KNEW I loved you. I now know that I loved you long before that, otherwise I wouldn't have driven all the way to Chicago to visit you. I've always looked up to you, from your schooling, to your marriage, to your kids and how you raised them and also your FAITH! I called you at the beginning of my marriage when we were having a hard time because I trusted your opinion AND because I loved you. I've always taken your opinions to heart, because I respected you AND Jim, and the life you built together. I have always and will always love you as deep as any brother can love his sister (that does include you too KDT).
This blog you wrote was very touching and it made me feel good, so I thank you.
I love you so much J!
Little Bro
I LOVE YOU AUNT JANINE
Love,
Katrina
I LOVE YOU AUNT JANINE
Thank you for sharing your heart, it is such a gift. You are dearly loved, but I don't think I ever told you until I said goodbye to you as you were leaving for Kenya. I don't know why we are so cautious about letting those we love know that we love them. Maybe we are afraid of not being loved back.
I love you-
DT
Janine, reading this, and reading what your nieces, brother, friends have written - have brought tears to my eyes! As I have read your blog - I have been in AWE at the people that have been helping you each day! Janine - you are loved!! And I love you!
Malinn
When I was growing up my dad always told me that he loved me. He said it a lot. So much that I thought he was really corny. In the past twelve years I have lost too many people that I know you can never express too much love. I am so glad that you are allowing others to express their love for you. Thank you for letting us love you. You are a beautiful woman of God and you are easy to love. In a time that would be very easy for you to shut the world out, you are ministering to us by allowing us to love you.
Not only have I loved you, my friend for a long time, I have admired you, wanted to be more like you and truly loved and respected your Godly husband. One of the things I loved about Jim is how incredibly unique he was. One day I would see him in a bowtie, then the next time I saw him, he was wearing a Rolling Stones t-shirt.(and he could get away with both!) I miss him a lot and wish I could tell him how much.
Hi Janine,
You are indeed VERY loved! I wanted to tell you that Anna had a lung issue that was found when she was in utero. She was operated on when she was 9 months old and did great ...her doctor's name was Oletoye. I was wondering if son #2has the same doctor? He is the #1 pediatric pulmonologist at TX children's.
I am SO glad that it is getting easier for you to let go of anger -that is such an important step. You have always been such a wealth of wisdom for moms like me on how to raise children gracefully and meaningfully, and I just know that one day others that have gone through tradgedy will come to you to see how you got through with your hope and faith intact.
Hang in there! I am praying for you!
Love you - Amanda R.
DANG!!! Did I say "KDT"? OOPS!! I meant "KDM"...sorry!
Did I mention that I love you???;)
(If I suck up enough, can I be your favorite sibling???? :)
I promise I wont tell D or M!
Ohhhh...okay. I love you anyway.
(and you're MY favorite sister!)
;)Love you!
Lis
Well, no matter how hard I try I will not be able to top what Little Bro wrote so I won't even try. Good job bro! You made me cry. (I know, I know, not hard to do) I love you sis, more than words! You have been there for me in so many ways and helped me through tough times. Never stopped loving me when I did crazy stuff, things I shouldn't have done and the whole LDS ordeal. You have loved me unconditionaly and for that I am greatful. I too have looked up to you, admired you and was and am inspired by your faith, you as a mother and wife. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being such a great sister. I Love You! Patrick and Taylor love you too and Mike says your welcome! (i'm gonna be busy until march 9th ;)
Over the past 16 years at CTK I have learned you can truly love others outside of your nuclear family. When I first walked into CTK 16.5 years ago and they had a sign Building Relationship of Love - hmm, I ran the opposite direction and went to another Church for 2 years (they were not building relationship of love at that church). I came back to CTK and they taught me about building relationship of love. I'd have really bad days and they were always willing to keep their arms open to me unconditionally. Your family has always had a special place in my heart. My arms will always be open to you and your family unconditionally if you need anything.
Your family cracks me up - I see where you get your sense of humor! This was a beautiful post, you have such a gift for expressing yourself in writing. Very real, genuine, honest and heartfelt! I hope the love you feel from your friends continues every day and that you know we are all "Jesus with skin on" - and He loves you this much and so much more than we can imagine. And I hope each one of your awesome kids feels the love every day too, or if not now, that they one day look back on it and see it. :) xoxo W.
Oops, in my previous comment I failed to mention what came before building relationships of love . . . A caring community of believers building relationship of love. I think that caring thing and believers is pretty important to.
I always loved Daddy's bowties. I thought he pulled them off really well.
The pastel shorts, however...
Anyway, I was just going to write I love you again. But I think I'd have to do that 20 times to out-do Katrina. Apparently she wins the niece-of-the-year award. :)
But I do love you soooo much and I can't wait to see you tomorrow! (3 hours earlier than when I thought I'd get to see you!)
Oh another note, when I read Aunt D's comment I thought she said something about the LSD ordeal. I had to read that one twice...
Good morning my darling daughter. OK...my day at work started off with me in tears. Way to go everyone!! :) But what a beautiful blog and what equally beautiful comments. I, of course, have loved you longer than anyone else! HAH! But you are indeed well loved by a multitude of people, friends and family alike. I was offline yesterday as my internet at home is not working. I had severe withdrawals from not being able to read your blog. I am now back in my comfort zone. I guess Dawn is planning on visiting you in March? Has Vicki made plans to come back for another visit? I WISH I WERE CLOSER! I love you dearly and miss you like crazy.
Going out on a limb here...but I think your niece...Katrina...your niece Katrina...Katrina your niece...well I think she loves you! Just makin sure you got that! LOL (not making fun of, just think its tooooo cute!)
I think Katrina is trying to work her way into your family...would you even notice if you had ONE more??? LOL!
Love you!
Janine,
I chuckled at daughter #2's second post I too had to re-read
the part about LDS or LSD. YOU are
so loved and bright and strong and
I could go on and on. (What's that you say, please do) well, lets see
witty, kind, generous, thoughtful.
Thanks for the e-mail and for making me feel more at ease. Ally's
been home sick with temp. for the last 3 days and tomorrow Will gets all 4 wisdom teeth out. Next week
I WILL get by there for a visit.
love,
Gina
OK, I didn't get it until Gina just spelled it out for me. I was wondering where daughter #2 had been for the 6 years!! LOL!!!!! Everyone is going to start believing the RET on the birth certificate here soon. I keep on writing RET stuff! Or it looks like I am typing RET stuff!
KDM had a problem with LSD??????
And WE didn't know about it??
KDM you need to start a blog...we need to discuss this.
everyone is talking in code!!! ;)
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