I love this picture.
It's so strange to me that my day can change a million times in 24 hours. And so quickly that I can't seem to catch my breath when it happens. I have found out that I cannot count on a "good" feeling, not at all. Today started out with me feeling better than yesterday (actually, I couldn't possibly feel any worse so I knew it had to go up a notch or two). But things can come crashing down around me before I know it. And I hate that. Absolutely 100% hate it. I am not familiar with this roller coaster and I'd like to get off. And really, it's not actually a roller coaster because the ride never goes up. Ever. It either stays a bit level or plunges down. And down. And down.
And I feel tired. More tired than I ever imagined possible. Tired of the pain. Tired of trying to be strong. Tired of the effort of breathing.
And so very tired of missing him.
10 comments:
I sit here and cry for you as I read this. ...Can't help it.
I wish I could go back in time and spend the time with you that I missed. I wish I could ease your pain and exhaustion. You don't have to post this...I just want you to know how much my heart hurts for you. I can't seem to express it when we talk. I love you so much....
Lis
Good morning my darling daughter. That's my favorite picture of Jim, too. I downloaded all the pictures from the memory site yesterday. Thank you for telling me about that.
I so hurt for you, Janine. I pray constantly for your pain to ease. I know in my mind that it will happen one day, but my heart aches for what you are going through now. I don't know why I can't do something to make it better. Even a little.
I'm hoping you have talked to your dr. and made an appointment. If you haven't, please do that today.
I love you all dearly. Call me if you need me. Please.
Janine,
I don't know much about tennis other than they have those really cute tennis outfits, but if it is anything like running you really need to pick up a racket if you have not done so in the last couple of weeks. Give yourself permission to do "normal" things that you enjoyed doing "before" - you just might enjoys doing these things "after". If I hear any reports you are too tired to get up off the couch I'm going to come kidnap you and make you go running with me.
I hate that you are feeling this way. I hate that you are so far away and I can't see or hug you and tell you how much I love you and know that this sucks! But it's not always going suck! It will get to a stink point and then to a dull pain that might never subside but you have to remember that there are 6 wonderful children and numorus family memebers and more numours friends that feel some if not all of what you are feeling. You are not alone in this even though sometimes it feels like you are. Like God has turned his back on you. But we both know better than that. He would never do that. I know God's heart hurts for your pain and hurts when we think things like this. But like I have said before...its normal you can't help but feel this when someone so good and Godly was taken from you. Jim is looking down on you every minuet of everyday and he will be the one to help you through this hoprrible pain you are feeling. Jim, the one that helped you through so many other hard times. Just this time will be more difficult because he is not at your side. But I know he is there, he loves you and wants you to be happy. That is all Jim ever wanted for you. I love you and that is all I have ever wanted for you myself. One day I think you will just get tired of being tired and that will come soon. I really don't know where this is coming from and I hope my words don't upset you in anyway. That is the last thing I would want to do. I love you sis and am so glad your in my life. (just to dang far way) Working on that!
I love that picture too.
you are in my heart, so much so, that when you feel this kind of pain, I just ache. I love you, I love the kids, I love Jim.
I hate this.
i'm so sorry you're feeling so down. Give yourself permission to be "not strong" for a while. You've suffered a great loss, and I expect that there will be a lot of crying and sadness and weakness. But you can and will recover from this low... It will take time. Just keep hope in your heart. Jesus loves you all very very much!
Seeing pics of Jim takes me back and makes me miss the 2 of you terribly. Oh how difficult this is for you. I think of you all and know you are being cared for so directly...I will just send my love across the miles for now. The simple act of opening your eyes each day must be one of the bravest things you have ever done. I love you for doing it. Keep doing it.
Oh Janine,
There is not a darned thing I can say to make you feel better. Please just know you have so many people holding you close. It just breaks my heart to hear how much it hurts, but one thing we can all do for you....is just listen. You and the kids are always in my prayers....and know that we are all here to listen and support you.
Love and hugs,
Jenni Baeder
Just read some of your blogs and my heart aches for you. I know that does nothing to ease your pain but I know that my prayers will. Today is my baby girl's birthday. She is celebrating her 2nd b-day in Heaven this year. It's almost been a month since she's been gone and I must say your words are all too familiar. God will give us the strength to make it through. It will suck every step of the way but life here on Earth still does have some things to offer us. The one thing that gets me through is KNOWING that I will see my baby girl again. I'll probably have to wait for a long while, and so will you, but oh won't that be a glorious day? I'm feeling a little guilty that I'm excited to get to Heaven, not to see Jesus, but to see her smile at me once again. I hope I haven't overstepped my boundaries with my words. I just know that sometimes misery loves company. God bless you and your children! p.s. You can read my story at www.carepages.com page name addifaith if you want. I attend CTK with you.
Amber,
I know who you are and I read every single entry you and Tony made on Addi's care page. My heart ached for you all when your little angel flew home. I'd like to think that Jim is holding her and enjoying her smile now.
Thank you so much for your kind and understanding words. You have been in my prayers, too.
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