I wish it were that easy. I try to decide that first thing in the morning. I focus on the kids and what Jim would want. I manage to to be "ok" for about 10 minutes. Then a cloud just sort of settles over and in me. I know that Jim would be heartbroken to know that the only future I look forward to is the one after this life.
I think that will change, I guess it will just take time. A lot of time.
I do think things have gotten better. I can now take it one day at a time. It used to be one minute at a time. And the days aren't full of the strong desire to not be here anymore. That's definitely an improvement.
In other news --- I think I'm beginning to hate a certain cardiac surgeon.
Daughters #2 & #3 are coming home this weekend. It will be good to have them here.
Daughter #1 is leaving for Boston this weekend to interview with a certain Ivy league school. She doesn't want me to tell people in case she doesn't get in. But she refuses to read the blog, so there. Besides, I keep trying to tell her that most people don't even know someone who got an interview with that school, so she should be very proud of herself. Jim would have been hugely proud of her. Well, he was anyway.
Of all of us.
4 comments:
Just brainstorming . . . Does the cloud that settles over and in you happen only when you are at home? Or does it happen in random locations? You don't have to answer just something to think about.
It happens anywhere and everywhere.
Janine - I've experienced that "cloud" in grief - and my experience is that it would hit at any and all times. Sometimes a sudden reaization of what was happening would make me feel as if I had been socked in the stomach - a gut wrenching emptiness. I pray that eventually - the cloud will come less and less! You are loved!
Malinn
Mommy-
I cannot wait to see you. I love you so much, and I miss you a ton!
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