As I sat in church today a thought came to me. It was during the reading of the Bible passage (which was before the sermon -- don't want any pastors getting big heads here). As everyone opened their Bibles to the passage to read along, I stared at one for a minute or so. I haven't touched a Bible since the cruise. I wasn't going to touch one today. And then I leaned forward and took it out of the rack in front of me. I starting turning to the passage as I thought, "It's time." It is time to let go of my anger. Jim is not coming back, no matter how angry I am with God. I'm tired. It's time. I know that many of you are also angry. I think you should hold on to that anger until the time is right for you to let it go. It's going to be different for all of us. I just don't think I have the strength to carry it anymore. I still can't quite comprehend that this is my life now, nor can I think about Jim for more than a few seconds without breaking down. But I need to make friends with God again. He's been a strong presence in my life for almost 40 years. I know He's still here, understanding and waiting.
Who knows what tomorrow or the next day may bring? The roller coaster may take me to anger again.
We'll see.
13 comments:
Once again you almost made me cry - you brought tears to my eye nod touched me by your thoughts. You have such a beautiful soul Janine... I know it may sound corny but I truly mean that. There are many, many people who hold onto anger when bad things happen for many many years. You are a strong and brave and amazing woman, and I'm blessed to share the experience of your journey through reading your blog, and through knowing you from what I've come to know in the times we have talked before all this happened. I hope and pray that you can continue to let go of the anger and continue to have strength in every aspect of this awfulness you are going through. God bless you! :)
Dear, Dear Janine aka Tigger - I have had a card for you since the day I found out that Jim died. I have carried it with me to Arizona, California, Arkansas and Kansas. I have taken it to coffee shops and carried it many times to my chair where I have my quiet time. I just have not been able to write the words I want to say. Because really my heart is still breaking for you, and I feel that any words would be too cheap. I cannot imagine your pain-and I only know that God alone will stitch back together your broken heart.
Your blog today really spoke to me and many of my own memories became very fresh. Last year our precious 16 year old daughter came very close to dying - it is hard for me to even say this- but she tried to kill herself - she was so very depressed. This past year I have struggled with fear and questioning God and anger and hopelessness like I have never known before. Only with God by our side, holding up our tired hands and steadying our fearful knees, have we survived. We, too, are so grateful for so many in the body of Christ who have walked through this fiery hell with us. And we, too, have been so angry with those who have been insensitive - who, as Paul said, considered the needs of their own more important than those of Jesus Christ. Jesus is in this fire with you - and I just want you to know my heart is broken for you and for your precious children. Your little, Linda
Well that's one prayer answered...
Love,
M
Yeah you! One more hurdle crossed!
Janine,
It's nice to see and hear the results of all of our prayers for you.
XOXO
K and M in AK
Very glad to read this post. Still praying.
RayJ
Most of the time and really even now it's so hard to know what to say and maybe it's not the words that are important but maybe it's in the knowing that you are being thought about and prayed for that helps you get through another day. I pray that God is more real to you than He has ever been and that you will find rest!
Love,
Julie
How do I even begin to tell you how proud I am of you? You amaze me every day. We have grown up so far from each other...and I know now that I missed so much with you. This tragedy has shown me my sister...and what a special, wonderful woman she is. I'm so sorry that we have never had the opportunity to REALLY know each other (a few months when we were kids doesn't count a lot now!)...but you can bet that I will make sure that we do now.
I love you Janine. I wish I had said it a million times over the years. You are so, SO cool.
Lis
(PS. This is really for you...so you don't have to post it:)
Dios es grande. :)
I'm so glad to hear of your decision to turn loose of anger. It's a decision that you are probably going to have to make every day. If you wake up one day and decide that today you don't want to, then God will understand. He's good like that. He's there when we're angry and when we're not.
You are an amazing woman and the strength which you are allowing God to show through you is amazing.
Janine, I continue to open up your blog 2 to 3 times a day, anxious to find a new entry. Daily I try to send you comforting and encouraging words by email, but end up deleting them because they never seem right. I think I now know why. Nothing of comfort can come from me. Today's entry showed a glimmer of your strength in giving it all up to Him. "It's time" for you to let God take complete control over everything in your life. He will...and He will make things right again. Different, but right again.
Marilyn
You amaze me Janine! Everyday you amaze me. So every day I thank God for such an amazeing sister and how much you inspire me to be a better person.. I know when we were growing up we did things that all sibblings do and I'm sure we all wondered if we would ever grow out of if. We did and a large part of it is because of you. You listened to me when I was hurting, when I did things you knew I shouldn't do (but held my hand and loved me anyway) I love you so much sis and I just wish I had the words to express how much that is. And yes I am crying! I am crying becasue the love I have for you is so emeince (sp)? You are the best big sister God could have given me and I am blessd. Hopefully now I can pick up my bible again and get back to were I need to be in my walk with God. I have strayed to far and only hope I can find my way back. You have always been good at pointing me in the right direction. Hopefully we can do this together even though we are miles apart. It never failed before! I love you Janine! Thank you for your blog and for sharing your feelings with us all. I just feel that much closer to you every day! Talk to you soon!
Letting go of the anger is a milestone - I hope that you can now rest in the palm of His hand and just let God continue to carry you through this horrible time in your life. You are such a beautiful person - my heart just aches for you - I wish that I could make it all go away. I am happy that you have allowed your friends and family to rally around you. Please let me know if I can be of any help - I don't want to overwhelm you right now but just want you to know that I am here if you need me.
ANgela C. (from CTK)
oops... that was Angela G. from CTK!
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