I have made it through another day. Somehow, that seems like a major victory at the moment.
This morning was bad -- then I met with my pastor, and more importantly - my friend (and Jim's) for almost two hours. And that was good. And hard. And sad. But good. I think we may have counseled each other at different times.
Daughters #2 & #3 hit the road today for a reunion with friends a couple of hours away. I've never been the kind of parent that panics or is over-protective, but things have changed. I could feel panic on New Year's Eve when all 3 girls were out. I hate this part of "after". I guess I pretty much hate everything about "after".
I ran a couple of errands today and was helped by a man who asked, "So how was your New Years?" I paused for a moment and then realized that I can no longer say "fine, thanks" when someone asks me a question like that. I can't say it when asked "How are you?", either. It's amazing to me how often we all say that -- when we don't really feel it. It's automatic, isn't it? Or it was. "Before".
So I said, "It was." He didn't really catch on -- he's so used to asking and receiving the same answers that I don't think he noticed. I must've seemed normal. I feel like my face looks normal but my eyes are so very dead. How could he not notice?
But then, I was glad that he didn't. He seemed to having a good day. I was actually a bit envious.
I'd like to have one of those again.
But maybe "surviving" is as good as it gets.
For now.
5 comments:
Janine,
While cleaning out email, I found a letter in my junk box from my husband. He had sent it to me when my emails were getting mixed up with his, when I bought a new computer. He had said I got an email from my friend in Kenya. I remember saying, Kenya? You mean Kendall? (Suburb of Miami) And he sent it but it got lost in the junk file.
So, today, I decided to clean out my computer files and found your blog. Needless to say, I am so heartbroken for you. What an awful experience you and your kids are going through. I know you've read it before, but please know I am praying for you guys, and keeping you in my thoughts.
I am thankful you have the courage to write about your experiences. Keep writing. :)
Hornets forever,
Diane Gail (Patton) Carter
Janine,
You are doing just what you need to - one day, one step at a time. Tell God He must be the one to direct your steps. My heart is broken for you. You have so much to give - but for now let others give to you.
Susan
Janine -- It hardly seems fair ... YOU are comforting ME; how I wish I could return the favor. We miss you terribly here at work. I look forward to your blog each day to get a feeling of how you're recovering. I just pray, pray, and pray ... and pray some more. Much love, Jo
That is the cutest photo ever. I love it. That's what C looked like when I taught him in Sunday school. It reminds me of the many pics of my kids fishing by the bayou. Do the boys still like fishing? M lives on the bayou and maybe they could go fishing sometime with S&S.
Janine
Thank you for sharing your life through this blog. I have taken a look at "before" and "after" posts, and I am positively affected by both. I know others are too. At least one "other," my wife, has told me so. I am praying for you and your family. It just ocurred to me that you might not want to hear that, considering your feelings about God right now, which are clearly understandable. But, I am praying.
RayJ
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