..... five steps back.
Today has been a bad day. I haven't managed to get out of my p.j.s and probably won't (though I guess it's good that I didn't stay in bed!). I am so sick of this unpredictability. And I hate that I can't count on a "good" feeling to linger. Because even though I know I can't count on it, I can still feel that I'm hoping it might. But it doesn't.
And I hate this "after" Janine. I hate that she is so low and sad and depressed and sad and negative and sad. The "before" Janine would want her to "Snap out of it!". She would've told her to stop being negative and start moving forward. She would've encouraged her to write some humorous and witty posts to cheer up everyone. But the "before" me left on December 18th.
I don't blame her.
11 comments:
you will snap out of it, not today or even tomorrow, but one day you will. I'm sorry to hear you had a bad day. When I talked to you it didn't sound like a good day. But there are going to be good days. Unfortunatly the bad will outway the good for awhile. I do miss the before Janine but totally understand the after Janine. I don't like that she left on the 18th because that will be forever my birthday and forever the day that Jim left us. I HATE THAT!!!!!! Oh Janine I love you so and hurt for you so much and want to trade places with you so much. It's not fair and this should not have happend to you. I hate reading how sad, tired, hurt, lost, negative, depressed and low you are. I want to just take all of that away and make you happy and make you laugh yet some how I know I can't do that and don't know when that will happen again. I do know that it will happen again and so I read your blog everyday in hopes of seeing a glimmer of the before Janine. She has come trough a couple of times in the past 3 weeks and I know she will be back. I feel I am rambleing on and on but I want you to know how I feel. I want you to keep getting up everyday, even if you keep your pjs on. Dang I did that yesterday. But you got up. Keep blogging. We want to know what you are feeling and want to be involved. I think I speak for everyone when I say You txmomx6 are a wonderful woman, wife, mother, friend, and sister and we will always be there for you. I love you Janine!
I'm so sorry that you had a rough day :( Try not to be too hard on yourself or expect too much too soon. It's ok to stay in your pajamas all day! Heck I don't get out my pajamas half the days! I guess that's what happens when you work from home. :) But seriously, you and your family are lifted up in prayer.
The "before" Janine is still in there and she is giving the "after" Janine the time to grieve because she is wise. She will come back in bits and pieces in due time. In the mean time, give "after" Janine the permission to act and do what she needs to, to get through this.
Much love!
Melanie K
I love you Sis!
It's okay to stay in your P.J.s now and then. It's comforting sometimes. (You should see me feeding the horses in mine, occasionally! I look so cute in a t-shirt, underwear and red rubber shoes!)
I'm so sorry that you had such a rough day. Please don't be mad at yourself for having bad days..or being tired..or angry. You have a RIGHT to feel that way, and nobody expects it to be any different.
I was thinking that it would be nice if some of us, your family and friends, could exchange numbers and/or e-mail addresses. I would love to be able to keep in closer touch with your support group. If anyone wants to contact me, they can e-mail me at lisiedee@hughes.net and I will get back to them. We all look to your blog to keep us "connected" to you, but you are also connecting US to each other. It's wonderful to see how many people love you.
Give yourself permission to rest, to cry, to scream...to smile, even to laugh. I know it must feel awful to FEEL anything right now, but don't feel guilty because you do. (I hope that made sense.)
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Lisanne
My Darling Daughter,
I am so very sorry to hear that you had such a bad day. I know that it's going to happen, and often, but I hate it nonetheless. I just want to be able to fix things for you, and yet know that's not possible. It totally sucks. I know that it will pass in time, but that doesn't help at the moment. I just want you to know how deeply you are loved and by so very many people. I am hoping the time will pass quickly until I can get down there to hold you and take care of you. I love you, Janine, and will see you soon. Please take care of yourself. I'm still praying for you all.
Hold on Janine! And while you are holding on, be oh-so-gentle with yourself. I wish I could be there to provide a little tenderness to you in your raw state. Know that I am doing it from miles away as others do it hands on. Let your friends and family carry you for a while....it's really OK to do that - trust the net. I love you. And thank you for the pictures of Jim. They are incredibly meaningful.
I wanted to share this version of 2Corinthians from the Revised English Bible/Oxford Study Bible. I really like the use of the word consolation as it speaks more to grief than comfort as in NIV. It's long but it's good, especially toward the end.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the all-merciful Father, the God whose consolation never fails us! He consoles us in all our troubles, so that we may in turn be able to console others in any trouble of theirs and share with them the consolation we ourselves receive from God. As Christ’s suffering exceeds all measure and extends to us, so too it is through Christ, that our consolation has no limit.
If distress is our lot, it is the price we pay for your consolation and your salvation; if our lot is consolation, it is to help us to bring you consolation, and strength to face with fortitude the same sufferings we now endure. And our hope for you is firmly grounded; for we know that if you share in the suffering, you share also in the consolation. In saying this my friends, we should like you to know how serious was the trouble that we faced in the province of Asia. The burden of it was far too heavy that we even despaired of life. Instead we felt in our hearts that we had received a death sentence. This was meant to teach us to place reliance not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. From such mortal peril God delivered us; and he will deliver us again, he on whom our hope is fixed. 2 Corinthians 3-10
I love the "before Janine" and "after Janine" equally. Allow yourself to love the "after Janine" Don't be disappointed in yourself!! I feel honored to have shared a bad day with you today......and I will continue to share bad days with you...as many as it takes. I look forward to spending "good moments" with you. Eventually we will even be able to share "good days" together. Count on it--Di
It is difficult to pray for me too. Thursday I met with prayer team but only JM showed up so it was just the two of us. It felt good and awkward and sad but I did experience a glimpse of peace for a moment anyway. I opened to Psalm 119 the other day and began reading, I got stuck on verse 28, "My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word." I'm kind of stuck on that verse, it just seems to fit right now.
Loved you "before" and love you "after"
D
Janine,
It's Darcie Knapschaefer. I just now read your post. You were on my mind all day today so I prayed for you. Your heavenly angels are out there getting the attention of all your prayer warriors so that we could lift you up. I know I wish I could help lighten your load.
I'm so sorry. It has to be so incredibly difficult. I remember when I had my miscarriage with a 15 week old baby how I would listen (over and over) to a song by Jana Alayra, (MOPS Convention singer). She recorded the song, It is Well with my Soul. I knew in my soul it was right or what was meant to happen happened but couldn't get anything into my head or heart about the whole situation.
I will continue to pray for you and the kids. Somewhere, someday the sun will shine again when the soul, head, and heart seem to blend again.
Meantime, know you are loved!
This morning I woke up around 4 or 5--I didn't want to look. Yet, my heart told me that you were in need of prayer. Please know when God seems far, far off--there are many of us who can feel his presence on your behalf. It is an honor to pray for you and I am humbled to pray to a living God that hears our prayers,
"God does not comfort us to make us comfortable, but to make us comforters." J. H Howett
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