To pray or not to pray? I wish it was a question, but it's not. Not when it comes to my ability. I simply can't. It's not that I won't. I can't. I cannot form words. It actually feels physical. And yes, emotional. I am angry. And stunned. And grieved. And empty. And hopeless. And angry ... oh wait, I already used that one, didn't I? And angry.
Does that mean I don't want others to pray? I know that some of you are in the same boat as I am --- well, not in the same boat, but your boats are rowing next to mine. I've had many friends tell me that praying is difficult for them now.
So that means that the rest of you have a heavy, heavy load. Because the kids and I need your prayers desperately. I'm counting on the prayers of everyone. And I thank you so very much.
My head knows that this anger won't last forever. It knows that this pain cannot stay at this intensity. But my heart sees no end. My heart, or what's left of it, sees nothing but a long and dark tunnel ahead -- without Jim to hold my hand.
So please keep praying.
11 comments:
Good morning my Darling Daughter.
Ok...curse, scream, shout, cry. But still giver yourself permission to smile, and yes, even laugh. Occassionaly. And then one of these days the amount of smiles and laughter will increase as the cursing, screaming, shouting & crying decreases. My faith is depending on that for you. My prayers are beseaching that for you. It's all I have at this moment in time, so just know my prayers, and everybody's that I know, are being said for you and the kids. Son #2 is being prayed for apart from beinng included in the family prayers. So he's getting double duty! Pretty awesome, huh.
I love you dearly and find it so unfair that a mother cannot fix the pain that her daughter is feeling. Anything. I'd give anytyhing.
I pray, just for today, that your pain will ease. We'll take tomorrow as it come. Please take care of yourself. Have you gone to the dr. yet? I will be calling you later. I love you.
Hi Jaaaaanine, thats how i say your name all the time now because you explained it that way when you were talking about the africian people..i like to say it too.. anyway i am Kat Valentine i am in mops and i go to christ the king, and i play tennis with christine foran.. now that you might no who i am, i just wanted to let you know that i have been praying for you and your kids everyday.. I am so sorry for what has happened, i don't understand God sometimes and the things he does to wonderful people.. but i do know that he sees you and he sees you suffering.. hes there and he will help.. God knows you and he knows how srtong you are.. I have always looked up to you, i love hearing you speak about your family, you are so funny and such a joy to listen to.. i still use the disapline techniques that you use.. anyway i hope this comment goes through.. Thank you for sharing your blog with us.. you are amazing.. I will continue to be praying for you and your family..
love, kat
ps. I love the photos.. What a beautiful family
I am praying every day, multiple times a day for you all!!! Even though you may have anger at God, at life, at what happened and feel there is no hope, you have so much true faith, faith you may not even see in yourself, that comes out in your blogs - the gratitude for our prayers and for your friends, the very fact that you know (in your head) that the anger and intense pain will not last forever, the clear and deep love you have for your family and your friends, and once had for life and I have no doubt it will return. It will be different but it WILL return, as the irises return after a deep dark winter. Your cup will runneth over. There are many who do not have faith in Jesus Christ who go through this or similar things and don't have ANY hope. I was there as a teen, and am grateful that he didn't take my life when I tried, and that he brought me back into His loving arms. Writing this is making me cry! His Love is real and vast and I Know you will feel enveloped in His love again. In Christ's Love, Wendee
I don't know what to say, but I love you guys...really. I may not be in your everyday lives, but I love you just the same. I hurt and hurt for you and I am angry for you and yes, I also pray for you because I am able and so I will continue. I remember you speaking at the xmas tea the year Jim lost his eye and you said something like, 'you know how you go through something and then afterward, you figure out why or what you were supposed to get out of it? Well, I am totally not there!' (of course, you said it much funnier because that is one of your God gifts, truly and one of the reasons I love you so) Anyway, I am sure you are saying the same darn thing now and I don't blame you.
I am so happy to be able to do something, anything for your family. It is kind of selfish, because it makes me feel better and glad that I do what I do so I can do this one thing for your family, that perhaps somebody else couldn't. I love you guys.
Melanie
I am praying for you all the time.
Lyn
Janine,
You and the kids are in my prayers daily...many times. I still am numb at the awefull realization of this. I can not imagine the deep sorrow, pain, and unanswered questions you are dealing with. Just know that there are sooo many people praying for all of you. Keep blogging.
Cheryl
I love you.
K
I love you, and second what mom said.
Janine,
Your Mom is one smart lady. I totally agree with giving yourself permission (hmm, there is a mission in permission) to smile and even to laugh. Another great point she made was to take care of yourself. What does it mean to take care of oneself - prayer (we've got you covered on that right now), plenty of rest but not too much, eat right (5 a day), exercise (tennis counts on this), drink plenty of water (helpful to keep yourself hydrated - though crying/grieving is important it can be very dehydrating). Your Mom also said see your doctor - I can totally understand it right now you are not totally a fan of doctors. Also if you need a hug they give really good hugs at the church. Seriously I have taken advantage - I walk in and say I need a hug and they have got me covered. I keep having this random thought that keeps going around in my head WWJD (What would Jesus Do?) but instead WWJES (What would Jim Eggers say?)
Janine, I am praying, praying, praying. For you, for the kids, for your friends.
Love,
Rebecca
Spending time with you is an honor and a privlege. I cannot tell you enough how much I admire your courage. We will get through this...but it is very painful and not very much fun at all (actually-- it sucks). I wish I could express, in words, everything that I am feeling. I can't. I feel so inadequate. In all honesty,I am not praying for you. I am having a hard time praying at all. I have a big problem with God right now. I am at a loss as to how to understand this.
I really like MB's comments--"WWJE do". Pretty intense but so on the mark. I wish Jim and you knew how many times M and I both discussed things using this as a reference. I hope to learn to not take my relationships for granted. Love you--Di
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