"Menopause, the Musical" was very funny. We had a good time. It was a pretty calm evening for a bunch of tennis ladies. We had dinner at the beach house, went to the show and then went back to the house and sat around and talked before going to bed at midnight.
And then I came home.
And Son #2 had a melt down over the tutoring. And I had a melt down. In front of God and everybody. Then he stormed out. And I cried.
And tonight I took 5 steps back.
I. Hate. This.
I. Miss. Jim.
I. Need. Jim.
WE. Need. Jim.
And I'm back to not believing he's really isn't here.
So, back to Son #2. Plan Y --- no more tutors. He wants to be on his own. To sink or swim. I'd love to think he'll swim. But I've seen him go down too many times. I cannot trust him or God or anyone on this. But I'm too tired to fight. I guess we'll see.
Son #1 and I went to the high school musical tonight. The theatre renovation is awesome. Jim, the school board member, would have been very proud to see how it turned out. I wish he had.
I may spend tomorrow in bed.
So much for no negative posts.
I need to let go of any expectations.
Funny, I didn't think I had any.
12 comments:
Its okay to have negative posts. Any post you make is okay. If you spend the day in bed tomorrow that is okay too, I might just join you for a while. I love you, K
J- Wow...a mother's work is never done. Your post tonight reminds me of my oldest brother. My mother always talks about how he had to go to summer school one year just for being LATE for school everyday! She was sooooo mad at him! She too had to handle everything on her own, just like you are doing now. We didn't have a Dad. (Well we did of course, somewhere, but not at home to help like Dad's are supposed to do.) I look back now and I wonder how my mother did it. When I ask her how she did it without losing her mind, she just laughs and says, "I just did what I had to do!"
Yeah right! She makes it sound so easy now. But somehow, she DID do it. I don't know how, but I believe that you too will "just DO it". I think you are a very strong person and the best part is that you have GREAT kids. Good kids. They are not going to do wrong by you J. And besides, you can only do the BEST that you can do, and that's it! Nobody can ask for more than that.
(oh, and today, that brother is about to retire and spends his free time traveling the world with his wife, and sometimes his mother!)
Love you.
K in AK
Grieving isn't a linear process. Its ok & normal to have good & bad days & backwards days. You are amazing & an amazing mom. It sucks but I know you can do this. You listen to your kids & that is something many don't do.and even when you don't feel you can believe in p you do.that's a blessing I hope he sees. I'm praying for God & his angels to surround your family & give you all peace. Love Wendee
Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you.
Lisa B.
G and I both spoke about Jim being proud of the renovations. It just isn't right that he never got to see the final product of all of his dedication and hard work. Of couse I am talking about everything in the district not just the KHS theatre. I agree with everyone that I know you can handle whatever situation comes your way because you are strong and determined but it just isn't right that you are without Jim. It's interesting that you said you are back to not believing he really isn't here. That's how I feel every time I see his photos.
I'm praying for #2 and you.
Love you all.
Excited, you made your flight arrangements for the reunion. I too hope a lot of folks will be there from our time. So many I would love to see like Fitz, Cindy H. and Beth G. I know Diane W. is coming in from Atlanta. We will have a great time catching up. I pray for you everyday and I don't understand or know either about if prayer changes outcomes or us. You bring up lots of things to ponder. Thanks for letting me into your life via the blog. Love you girl and am excited to see you!
Julie
Love you.
CYH
M
I'm writing to give you some wonderful words of wisdom on how to deal with all of this and make it all work out EXACTLY how you want it to...wait...I forgot what it was. Sorry!
Love ya,
Little Bro
Janine - just know I love you! I know my own experience with grieving had many backward steps! I know that is normal! And you can have as many negative posts as you need to!
Love,
Malinn
You deserve a hundred pats on the back just for surviving these moments. Every time I'm at my wit's end with my kids I think, "my god, what if I were doing this alone?" I'm so sorry you're going through this, and it's OK to feel this way. What you are doing is incredible. I hope you know that.
I'll stop by to warm up your coffee so you can stay in bed.
Love you!
DT
Janine,
The drama you described with son #2 over school and tutoring is not unusual. If anything, it may be the most normal thing that is happening to you. I have an excellent suggestion for someone who is totally awesome with students that are underachievers--and some of the students she has worked with probably did not have the intellect that I suspect your son has. I know you have had good tutors--but you never know. Even the best have changed coaches at times (Tiger Woods being one). So, if you need a name and number--let me know.
Marlene
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