This is my life.

I no longer think those words with a question mark behind them. Now it's a period. Period.
It doesn't make the future any brighter, trust me -- it just is. I guess that means some of the shock has worn off. Not the pain or the emptiness, but most of the shock ... I think. I've never done this before so I have no idea really, I'm just guessing.
One thing that I've learned is just how physical grief is. I still feel exhausted most of the time. By 2:00 in the afternoon I feel like I could go to bed for the night. Sometimes I wish I could. That, however, would be the end of any semblance of order around here and the beginning of chaos and a coup (with looting and pillaging not far behind). It would be very, very ugly since all three boys would try to usurp the others for power.
So, I don't take naps.
OK, I also don't take naps because I only go to bed when I'm ready to pass out. I don't like to be alone with my thoughts, especially at night.
And my stomach hurts all of the time. Every day since December 17th. The sight and thought of food still makes me nauseous sometimes, though not as much as a few weeks ago. It seems to come and go. For some reason it's been a little worse for the last two days. Maybe it's an allergic reaction to "Thank God it's not a Tattoo". Strangely enough I do like having her around. It was nice to come in from work today and know that she's here, waiting to be held. And she sleeps in my bed --- which would have NEVER happened in the "before". Not only would Jim have never gone along with that, neither would the "before Janine". She would have gagged at the thought of an animal in her bed. I hope she doesn't notice. :)
On a positive note (because I refuse to end another post(or at least another post for now) on a negative note, I do feel that I am doing better emotionally. I don't cry as much -- in fact, I have gone through an entire 24 hours without crying (though probably not 25 and not in the last 24 but still.....).
I don't feel that overwhelming blackness anymore. The future still looks black but I don't feel the physical presence of that color in the present.
Did you know you could physically feel colors? Neither did I -- before.
OK, add that to my two distinct personalities and it looks like I need serious psycho-therapy.
I think I'll pet the cat.