The girls went back to school today. They left Jovie behind for me. It's a test run. So far she and I have been snoozing on the couch all day. She's a good snoozing companion.
I'm still considering the "Things I don't need to hear" post. I'm getting input from the kids, too. We'll see what happens.
So here's what I no longer believe: I don't believe that prayer changes things. This has been a topic of discussion several times this week, with friends and with the girls. It seems that several people no longer believe this. I could say that I don't believe in the "power of prayer", but I don't think that's true. I just don't think it changes things. It can change people but I don't believe it changes events. If it did then Jim would still be alive.
I know that there were hundreds, if not thousands, of people praying for Jim to live on December 17th and into the 18th. I know that there were prayer warriors beating on the doors of heaven. Some were beating until their fists were bloody. I was begging. I begged God like I've never begged before (and I've literally been on the floor with my face to the ground for Son #2).
And Jim died.
So now I can't pray for events to change, for God to do or not do something, or for something to happen -- or not happen. Now I believe that God will do whatever He wants/plans to do and my begging and crying and pleading won't change that.
So I pray for people. For God to comfort, love and strengthen people.
I believe that my prayers are for my relationship with God. When we pray we grow closer to God. We don't change His mind.
Obviously.
11 comments:
I agree!
It was great to see the girls this weekend and your boys were a huge hit at Dinner Theatre!
Good idea "kitty sitting", like grandchildren you can always give them back. (Don't tell K I referred to the kitten as a relative, because if you are the grandma then K is the Mom, Ha!)
Interesting posts this weekend. Your comments on prayer will be added to my list of things to be discussed when I get to heaven.
love-
DT
I have taught the lesson on prayer to students many times. The one where prayer is about strengthening your relationship with God. It's about feeling closer to him and knowing that he is there. I still pray like maybe, just maybe this will be the prayer that convinces him to do things my way.
I know that someday we will all see how his way is best and that it all works out in the end. I don't see it now though and I don't understand.
I, along with you, will continue to pray. I will continue to pray for you as well.
Mmph.
Found you through my Sitemeter. I've been rifling through your archives (mostly just prior to December 18.) I feel like a voyeur, only worse -- like I'm somehow violating your privacy in some way. But your writing is so brilliant, and what has happened to you is so utterly devastating, and I hope you won't think it weird that I'd like to continue following along.
And my heart is literally aching for you right now. All the way from Wisconsin.
I'll pray for some peace for you tonight. Not that it will change anything....
Thank you for your prayers -- I don't consider it weird, or an invasion of my privacy, so please don't worry. We need all of the prayers we can get, so the more people who read, and pray, the better.
Stay warm in Wisconsin. :)
Wow--what a spiritual conversation starter...or stopper. I know ultimately what matters to God is relationship...though I also believe he hears and answers the prayers of his people. (although just as my children sometimes don't like my answer, sometimes I don't like His) That may oversimplify things, and I know there is nothing simple about what you have experienced. I love you Janine. Susan
Good evening my darling daughter. Sometimes the pain I feel for you is overwhelming. This is one of those times. Yes, I know it's nothing compared to the pain you go through daily. I pray I never have to feel that pain, knowing I probably will at some point in my life. Although I really doubt it could be as bad as yours, since this was so sudden and so unexpected...I feel guilty even mentioning any pain I feel. But, nevertheless I do hurt for you. Once again I'm at the place where I just don't know why I can't take it away and make it better for you. I hate this so much. I love you dearly and pray for the day things don't look hopeless for you. I hope it's closer than it seems.
After many years of being "on my own", I am finally reestablishing my relationship with God. Prayer is something that I do a lot right now:) I have to agree with you Sis...because I asked God for years to bring people into my life who would help me be closer to Him. He didn't....until just recently. I had decided that He had just forgotten me or didn't care, but I think that He just had His own timing. I'm ready...and God's ready...finally.
Reading your post tonight really made me think about it. I will continue to pray, but I do realize that my life is in His hands.
I love you Janine...and I'm looking forward to spending some time with you.
Lis
I agree also.
I'm curious do you think this is always, or just sometimes? Sort of predestination of not just saved people but of all things? If that is true, can we make a difference through our efforts on earth, even teaching about Jesus good news? Just some things I've been thinking about since your post. Albert Einstein said, Never stop questioning, curiosity has its own reason for existing. As someone who used to be an atheist, I believe honest questioning about the way the world is ultimately makes a stronger faith. And also a sort of realization that the more we learn, the more questions and the less we know! Sending love and light your way. I'm off to the car repair shop...
J - I read your post sitting at work today (which by the way, through this busy season we REALLY miss Jim too!) and I totally understand where you are right now. I have been through so many things in my life, and I can honestly say that I prayed most feverently for things "not to happen" or for God to change what seemed like the inevitable. And it always seemed to happen NOT what I had prayed for. It took YEARS for me to understand why he brought so much devestation into my life, and to the life of my family (the worst - a flood where we lost EVERYTHING) ...and why he made us go through all of the things that we did. I can only say now (almost 8 years later), that I see what it brought to our family - that we are EXTREMELY CLOSE, we know that we can get through ANY event that comes our way, and we know what is really important to us - the experiences we have had together, the love that we share, and all of that God brought to us too. So, keep your head up and keep praying...one day God will reveal to you too why this happened. And sadly, it probably won't be any time soon and when it does happen, it will be so slowly that it will take one night and lots of thinking back to see what he was doing.
Know that all of us think about you and the kids often and we appreciate your blog. you help us keep Jim alive in our hearts too...
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