..... 23 1/2 years ago -- I fell in love with being a mom. As I mentioned earlier, it wasn't foremost in my plans. And if anyone had told me when I was in college (or earlier) that I would have 6 children, I might have found that nunnery. Or had my tubes tied. Heck, if anyone had told Jim, I wouldn't have had to worry about it. He would've run for the hills. For a while.
I have always been one to say that God's plans were not my plans. Not at all. But His plans were so much better than anything I could have imagined for my life that I was eager to tell people what He had done. I learned more and more to rely on Him over the years and to trust Him.
Until December.
My head and my experience tells me that He's in control and that His plans are not to harm me but to give me a hope and a future. But my heart doesn't see that. My heart sees that He harmed me .... as much as is humanly (or Godly) possible.
I've never lost a child but I cannot imagine a greater pain than losing Jim. If we had ever lost a child I would've had him beside me to share the grief. Even though I would've experienced a devastating pain, I would've had Jim. I would've had the other half of my heart.
I miss my heart.
Daughters #2 & #3 went back to school today. Their spring break is over. The boys' is just beginning.
I did manage to go to church this morning. And I held a baby .... again. I love holding babies. I always have. They can be so soothing (mostly!).
Tomorrow I go see the ENT. And then I may make an appointment to see my regular doctor. I'm tired of feeling sick .... and tired. I'm not sure what to attribute to grief and what might be something else. I do not like going to the doctor. I hate being sick. I rarely am. I've never had time to be ill. Not in this house. The natives would've become quite restless.
They can restless enough while I'm fully-functioning --- I hate to think what might happen if I just give in and surrender! And I know what you're thinking:
I haven't been fully-functioning in a long time. Just keep your opinion on how long to yourself.
2 comments:
I hope you feel better soon Sis. Please take it easy and and take care of yourself! J, are you getting some grief counseling? If not, it would be worth looking into. I can't even imagine how I would feel if I lost Tosh, but I know that I would need a lot of help to get through it.
I love the picture of you and George...too cute!
I love you so much. I think about you every day and you're always in my prayers.
Lis
I tried twice to blog about some of my thoughts after I heard about Jim. I quit both times because (1) I didn't want you to have to read my inadequate, unknowing response to something you're going through and I'm not and (2) I couldn't put my thoughts in to words. The hardest was trying to explain why the thought of losing JP caused an immediate physical response- made my breath catch and eyes tear - but the thought of losing Landon made be very, very sad, but it wasn't the same imagined feeling of my soul being ripped apart. I actually couldn't imagine losing JP, but my mind would imagine the latter- I'm certain actually losing a child is far worse than my projected feelings, but still, I could attempt to imagine it. That jumbled thought was very important to my reaction, but I just couldn't express it in a way that didn't sound shallow, nonsensical, or like I didn't love my child.
You, of course, summed it up perfectly, "I've never lost a child but I cannot imagine a greater pain than losing Jim. If we had ever lost a child I would've had him beside me to share the grief. Even though I would've experienced a devastating pain, I would've had Jim. I would've had the other half of my heart."
I hope my jumbled words above make sense. I just wanted you to know that when I read those words, I admired the way you were able to say it.
And I'm glad you had a good day up at the lake. It's a special place, and I'm happy you were able to return.
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