So today I go get a second opinion about my ears, which are driving me insane. Then I get to go see Faith Hill with three friends that I haven't spent much time with in a while and I'm looking forward to that.
Phil Collins has been singing in my head lately (maybe I have what the guy has on "Eli Stone"!). I can feel something in the air.
I can sense it.
In the past 5 days I have twice been stunned by the fact that "life goes on". Stunned as in had my breath knocked out. By the cold, hard fact that life is going on. With or without me so I'd better jump on board...... or get left behind. Very far behind.
I knew in my brain that life, or rather, everyone else's life, would go on. I knew to expect it. I thought that I would be prepared. But my heart wasn't expecting it. My heart isn't even close to being prepared. I don't think that's possible, though sometimes a "head's up" might be some kind of buffer.
So those two events plus the sense I'm feeling (plus Phil in my head) are leading me to think that I am being expected to move on. To be a bit...... oh, I don't know ....... a bit happier? Maybe "happy" isn't the word. Maybe a bit less depressed. A bit more humorous?
And maybe, just maybe, a bit less honest.
M tells me that it's like someone you love is in the hospital, seriously ill. Then one day you visit and she seems better. Then you go down to the cafeteria to get something to eat and when you come back you discover that she crashed when you weren't looking. And there you are, helplessly watching her, thinking, "What happened?! I thought she was better!"
Sometimes the patient also thinks she is better.
And then reality hits and she discovers ----- not so much.
But, hey, the patient majored in Theatre and can act.
She's a pro.
13 comments:
Janine:
I have been reading your blog for some time now and honestly did not know what I could possibly say to convey how sorry I am that your beloved husband Jim has passed. To say I'm sorry is...well..stupid and not nearly enough. I HAVE been praying for you and your family, however. I love your sense of humor and enjoy your posts as I know so many other people do.
I just had to tell you how much I LOVE this pic of you and Jim..... Sooooooo cute! Thanks for posting as often as you do. I'm also glad I'm not the only one who has a son who is not necessarily living to his FULL potential. It's very refreshing to read of the conversations you have with him because they hit so close to home!
Take care, Gail Jenkins
Don't act. Don't stop being so honest. You will never have to put up a false front for those who love you. It is painful for everyone to see you hurt, but it would be more painful if we thought you were holding it in to protect us. The crashes would be awful if you had led us to believe things were better and they weren't. Everyone wants you to have brighter days. No one wants you to fake tan.
you have so much insight and such a profound way of writing it. one of my dearest friends lost her husband in 2003, and i know each persons grieving is different, but it seems to me grieving is a long road not a short one. those who seem to have a short path (sometimes including children) are probably shoveling it away and will grieve later in some form or another. be honest, be depressed, cry, be angry, be sad, go lay in bed all day if you need to, and don't worry about anyone else's expectations. no one is walking your path but you. i have always thought that grieving and depression is like the desert we have to walk through to regain spiritual and emotional strength, and rushing it through whatever means simply does not work but may even prolong it. the worry is only when a deep depression starts to last for longer than a year, or two. not that i'm a psychologist... but i've read a lot of books :) Exactly who you are is perfect. no need to act (unless of course you want to in which case you're perfectly entitled) :) i am hurting for you. i love you and you are amazing!
I love that picture.
And I love you.
(4 days)
No one can walk your road, I would not even presume to know what you are feeling. I have the utmost respect for you and the way you must do this Janine. Yes, I'm sure those that love you want desperately for you to feel a little better (including me), but however you do it is right. I love you and think of you every day so many times.
I wish I had something profound to say but I'm all out. My kids sucked it out of me. I heard a new term today. It's called "momnesia". I think that is what I have.
You keep going at your pace. The others can wait for you. You're worth waiting for.
Lisa B.
I love, love, love, that picture. Just too cute!!! You look like you are about 12. I think the "what happened" moments will get further and further appart for you and for M. Miss you and think of you and the kids everyday.
J-when I am down and out...your little bro sings "cheer up Charlie" to me from Willie Wonka...would you like me to send him to you for AHWILE so he could sing it to you???? WHY NOT??!!! Anyone? Any takers? Ma? Dawn?...
JK...please feel better...we love ya!
P.S. MK made a BEAUTIFUL decorated heart for her "favorite Uncle Jim" to be hung up at school.
I love you, K
I don’t think I understand the “moving on” thing. What does that mean anyway? Are you supposed to pack up your emotions and feelings and go to some new place? I don’t think it works that way. And I don’t think it is fair of anyone who expects that of you. Those that feel that way sound a lot like Job’s friends to me. Each and every day I see you put one foot in front of the other and face the day with a courage that I know can only come from God’s presence in your life.
Yes, those of us who know you, indeed know that you are a good actress, but you cannot act happy if you are not – nor should you! It hurts to watch someone you love in such pain. While we ache to have our Janine back, denying your feelings would only make those around you feel better not you. Don’t worry about us. Your real friends can shoulder that pain as long as it takes.
Love you,
M
Ok Janine, that picture is the Jim I remember! That has to be a Gunsling picture. I have loved seeing all the pics of Jim, but I have to say that this picture is how I remember both of you. Still thinking of you always. Love you.
Jennifer
I love you!!! 4 more days. Whooo Hooo!
I forgot to mention that this picture is so cute!!
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