I was wrong ....

     I thought that the shock of Jim not being here had worn off.  I was wrong.  Sometimes it still knocks the breath out of me.  Like when I look at certain pictures.  This picture is from our senior year at OSU -- my sorority formal.  I didn't think I could love him any more than I did that day.  I was wrong about that, too.

I have mixed emotions when I look into that 21 year old girl's eyes.  I see all of the love to come and all of the joy and the children and the good things.  (It's a good thing she had no idea about the children to come --- she may have tried to fin a Baptist convent.)

I also see the huge, bottomless pit of pain that is to come.  And look at her -- she has no clue. All she sees is him and can only imagine their future.  

But I wouldn't have told her.  

Never in a million years.  

     Today has been quiet.  My sister is sick.  I hope it's not the flu.

I did stuff for work most of the day and am still in my p.j.s.

I paid Continental a thousand more dollars today --- just to change the departure date.  

But, once the agent changed the dates a flag appeared that said I needed to call the insurance company, which indicated that I had indeed purchased insurance (though an e-mail to that company came back saying that they had no info on me yesterday).  I called them and yes, I have insurance, so hopefully I will get that thousand dollars back.  I'm hoping that one of the doctors in Oklahoma will sign them and it will be no problem.  Let's just say that with the way things have gone the last few months, I will be pleasantly surprised if that happens.

     My mother-in-law is doing better.  I am told she's smiling and trying to communicate.  That's good news.  I am looking forward to seeing her, though I know it will be both good and painful for each of us.

     I'm not sure how much longer to wait before I go back in to the doctor.  My forehead feels very, very full and spinning-like.  How's that for a clear description?  So much for being an eloquent writer.

     Speaking of that, I have heard what many of you have said.  Very many.  While I do not agree and have no idea how to be a writer, I have decided to go to a Christian women writers' conference this summer (thank you, S and K).  I'm not sure if anything will come of it, but I do get to spend my birthday with two wonderful women and I'll be in North Carolina,  so why not?       The Kenya trip is moving forward.  Things seem to be much better there and the two lead guys left last Thursday for the pre-trip.  The thought of this trip is overwhelming exhausting to me but I also think it will energize me.  I have talked to each of my children and each one is good with it.  They have no worries.  I believe them.  

I'm not asking my parents' opinions --- I think we all know what they think.  :)

P.S.  My lovely sorority sister, SB, read this entry and then sent me an e-mail with some of the lyrics to Garth Brook's song, "The Dance".   Thank you, SB.  

Looking back on the memory of 
The dance we shared beneath the stars above 
For a moment all the world was right 
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye 
And now I'm glad I didn't know 
The way it all would end the way it all would go 
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain 
But I'd of had to miss the dance 
Holding you I held everything 
For a moment wasn't I the king 
But if I'd only known how the king would fall 
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all 
And now I'm glad I didn't know 
The way it all would end the way it all would go 
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain 
But I'd of had to miss the dance 
Yes my life is better left to chance 
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance