Cleaning out my feelings

     This is Jim with Son #3, a teddy bear.  Not necessarily on Halloween --- just for kicks.  Because he was so darn cute I could hardly stand it.  It's a good thing God made him cute -- it's saved his butt on many an occasion.

     Today I had lunch with three lovely women from church.  We shared things going on in our lives and challenges we're facing.  I told them about being sad.  And so frustrated that I seem to be doing OK for a while and then, Wham!  I find myself slammed backwards again.  I am not a patient person.  I want to be able to say, "I'm fine." and really mean it.  I want to be able to be doing OK.  Just when I think "I've moved forward a few steps -- I feel OK!",  then I wake up the next day feeling like I've been pushed 5 steps back.  

For someone who's not patient and who is someone who likes a modicum of control -- this is agonizingly frustrating.  And makes me feel like a bit of a loser.  Because I can't control this part of me.  It feels like I should, but I can't.  

I also feel like a huge loser because I won't be on that flight to Kenya tomorrow.  This also makes me sad.  It's hard to explain -- My whole being is sad at not going and yet part of my brain feels very relieved.  

So there ya go --- still sad.

     So today I decided to clean out the study.  I'm not sure what started it but I worked like a madwoman most of the morning and afternoon.  If I were to make a therapeutic guess, I'd say that I was trying to clean away my feelings.  The more "Jim things" I can remove from a room the less I'll have to see them and thus feel sorrow.  I have no idea if that theory actually works, but it kept me very busy.

     I also decided that I want the study to look a little like "me" now, so that I can feel comfortable working and hanging in it.  It was Jim's favorite room and it is 100% Jim.  I'm not there at all.  I was probably a bit jealous of him and his room.  So today I cleaned out most of the books, packed them up--- put some in the attic and donated some to the library.  I cleared out all of the files that I won't be using, boxed them up and added them to the attic.  It was a

 busy day.  I tried to "soften the room up a bit" so that I'd feel comfortable just hanging in there.

     I'm not sure if I got anything accomplished but I do feel a bit more comfortable in there.  

I'm not sure what the kids think.... if they're wondering why I'm changing things up and removing Dad's stuff.  They don't say much, they just watch.  And I just hope that I'm not causing any scars by doing things at the wrong time for them.

      Which brings me to a WHOLE nother part of this grieving progress that frustrates the hell out of me!!  This whole, huge, nuclear event did not just happen to me.  It also blew all 6 of my children sky high.  So now I have the job of pulling myself together - and quickly- so that I can make sure that each of my children is acting whole and healthyl  REALLY?!!  That's MY job?!!

Whoever decided that job order should spend a weekend locked into a room of 3 month olds.  A WHOLE weekend.

So anyway ... that's enough blabbering.  

J&J took me to see my first Lacrosse game today.  It was interesting and very tiring.  I mean, geez, I got exhausted watching all of those girls running all over the place!  But it was fun and I enjoy hanging with J--- again.  I look forward to the times when we can be together and share what's going on in our lives.  It seems that God gave us a brief sabbatical from each other for a couple of years (seemed longer) and then He, in His magnificent wisdom, brought us right back to each other --- just in time.  Scarily, just in time.  I have missed her beyond words.  And I need her -- so much.  

     Anyway, we went to the game and then out for spicy Tai food, which totally cleared out my sinuses!