This is a family picture from my Grandparents' 50th anniversary party in 1993. We had a great time. This picture makes me smile and makes me sad. I seem to experience conflicting emotions a lot now. For example: Son #2. Need I say more? Maybe -- he does peruse this blog, dang it.
I feel such intense emotions about him. Fierce love, something I imagine would be akin to a mother bear. Don't hurt my child, don't say anything about my child (even if it's true) and please, please, please TRY to understand my child. Just that thought makes me emotional.
Fierce love combined with fierce frustration, anger (rage), humor, confusion, hurt, pride and sadness (depression). But always covered and surrounded by the love. Always.
We don't understand each other -- I hope that one day we will. Our brains and thought processes do not work in a similar fashion. The more I push the more he pulls. The more I pull the more he pushes. And so now I try to do neither. But that is more difficult than you can imagine. It's like watching him drown and not being able to throw him anything to keep that from happening. And what kind of a mother would just watch her son drown? We all know what kind.
And here I am, watching it happen and feeling so very, very alone. "Before" I had someone by my side, who encouraged me, who took over the "watch" when I could no longer take it. Someone who understood all of the emotions and felt them with me. Especially the love (and rage). Now it's just me. And God, but I must say that I have rarely felt God's support and encouragement when it comes to Son #2. I have consistently felt that I was praying to God's back. For almost 16 years -- consistently. Sixteen years of seemingly unheard prayers makes one feel very, very tired. And very, very alone.
Changing topics.
I find it interesting that there were so few comments to my "I'm not going to Kenya" post. I'm not sure if that means the blog isn't being read or that most people had no opinion. I do feel relieved now, which I know is a sign that it wasn't the right time.
I leave Tuesday for Oklahoma and am looking forward to that. I can't wait to see the women I lived with in college. The women who shared an amazing time in my life. The women who saw the beginning of the "before".
Oh, and I have an appointment Monday with a different ENT. That guy (nor anyone in his office) never called me with the test results. So I fired him (like he cares).
And I'm taking Son #3 to see "Leatherheads" today. So I will be smiling quite a bit. At least for an hour and 54 minutes!
Happy Birthday, K!!!!!
9 comments:
Just want you to know that I TOTALLY relate to Son #2!!! My Son #2 fought me every day of his life - he came into the world with a power struggle and a need to be in control. It took l00 times more energy (and many times I didn't have enough energy) to raise him than the other 2 boys. My #2 outgrew it at about 20 years old. I pray the same will be true for you! My heart aches for you - I DO know the feeling!
Love, Malinn
Hi Janine! Just got back from Mom's Day in Stillwater. I have to tell you that I ran into your "real" little today. I think she scolded me for claiming you, but that's too bad! I told her that she better be there next weekend, so we'll see, right Linda? Gamma Phis were awesome tonight in Spring Sing! Anyway, I can't wait to see you! Love you, Jennifer
Thanks for the birthday wishes, I'm still dancing the happy dance.
I think so many of those whom love you were still so busy celebrating the news that they havn't had time to comment yet??
It's a good decision-Thank you to Boss/Pastor/Friend for helping you with that decision.
I know you will make the trip when it is the right time.
Love You,K
I was relieved to hear that you were not going to Kenya at this time and I'm sure God was directing you in that decision.
As you know, I had a troubled teen who grew into a troubled adult with children. But I know full well that God loves her, has been working on her, and will continue to work on her (am me, too). One of the hardest things I've ever done in my life was to give her totally over to God. One thing that helped me so much was that my Christian friends not only loved me through it but loved and prayed for her as well. So, Son #2. You may not feel understood and you are going through a very difficult time, but know that you are loved by so many who care for your welfare.
Well I just got back from the Musical Showcase and I think Son #2 did something awesome today.
And I have absolute peace when I think about your kenya decision.
I agree with Rick! #2's leadership and direction with the musical showcase, not to mention his talent, was outstanding! We are all so proud of him and all that he accomplished at CTK today!
Way to go #2!
You certainly are not alone with son #2 although I know you feel it. Actually, I did not have support with N either and on special occasions (and often) had someone pulling in the wrong direction instead of helping. I remember standing over his bed when he slept and just weeping because I was so afraid for him. He is still not making 100% good decisions (nor do I), but is really becoming a good man in spite of everything. Son #2 will as well. Maybe spend some time with him when he is sleeping - they don't fight us at that time. I love you AND son #2.
I too, have absolute peace about your Kenya decision. Ultimately though, it was yours to make and what anyone else said was only added support/confusion. If you have peace then I have peace.
I can't help but look at Son#2 and feel peace there as well. There will come a day when he is tired of pushing and pulling against you and he will see that you are a loving mom and not a force to battle against. I see so much good in him and so much love, even if he did ask me if I lost a battle with a pair of scissors. Just one more sign that there is growing up yet to happen. :) It will come... in time. Keep praying to that back that feels turned. There are too many others praying the same prayer for it not to be heard.
I'm posting from a boat in the Coral sea headin back to the mainland. I just had to comment on son #2. I can't "promise" - who can - but I do feel he will be ok. Strong willed children often do not want anyones guidance but they listen more than you think, even when they seem to absolutely not be. Ultimately the most important thing in his life is his relationship to Christ and all else will flow from that. I even rejected God for many years and now have a very strong and real faith. Believe he will be ok, saved, is loved so much by God & every prayer youhave prayed tathas felt unanswered is not, it's held in the arms of God and it will be fruitful in its own wayand time. I do believe that. Glad u r having a fun time with your friends! xoxo wendee
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